The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good Morning to everyone.
I am the spouse of an AH. Sorry for any mistakes I may make in posting, is my first time.
I have spent the past 24 yrs with an alcoholic spouse. When we first met, I knew he drank beer but didn't even realize that a person could be an alcoholic just drinking beer. I did not grow up in an alcoholic home, have seen my dad drink a beer or have an occasional drink. I never saw any abuse of it.
Three wks ago, my husband hit me....a first. I had tolerated rages, infidelity, and just general bad temperament for yrs but never physical abuse. I called the police, he was arrested.
He is now back home, attending AA, church etc. I am"the love of his life, the glue that holds him together" He tells me he can't imagine his life without me...everything is going to change.
I attended my first AlAnon meeting 2 wks ago. I plan on continuing. I know that I am responsible for the choices I made in staying these many yrs. I still keep asking myself how I got here, to this place.
I work in the medical field, am by nature a nurturer. I just want to fix this in my heart even though my mind knows better. Why do I continue hoping for a different outcome? There have been multiple alcohol related arrests....
I have heard all the promises of change so many times....find myself watching, apprehensive as to when the REAL husband will reappear. I feel no stability and that is sad. I feel that this situation is drawing to it's end. I feel tired.......hopeless and ashamed that I have stayed.
I am also raising 2 grandchildren on an alcoholic daughter. At times, I feel that I am hanging on by a thread. I am anxious all the time.
I know that I am not responsible for another's choices, am a fairly intelligent person.I am trying to prepare myself to step away from this relationship and would appreciate any encouragement, spiritual or otherwise.
Thanks for listening
Welcome to MIP Strick . I am pleased that you are attending Al-Anon meetings and that you had the courage and clarity to share here with us.
I can readily identify with marrying someone that I knew drank but was unaware of the severity of the disease of alcoholism. Al-Anon has taught me that alcoholism is a family disease and that by living with the active alcoholism. I too developed negative coping tools that affected my mental, physical and spiritual health. Al-Anon is the recovery program for family members and I am so grateful that I found the tools that were offered.
Alcoholism being a chronic, progressive disease over which were powerless, the best chance we have, is to develop new tools in order to live our lives. Al-Anon suggests that we don't make major changes in our lives for the first six months unless there is physical danger. I'm sorry to hear that this has occurred and pleased that you are taking appropriate action.
Please continue attending Al-Anon meetings, find a sponsor, so that by working the steps and slogans, living one day at a time trusting a HIgher Power you will find hope and a new a new constructive attitude You are not alone
Please keep coming back here and sharing the journey
Welcome Strick62 You are in the right place. Your story is familiar to me. By attending alanon meetings you have begun to reclaim yourself. It is here we find acceptance for the choices we made and the courage to make choices that serve us. Living with alcoholism shapes us. It is here I found I am worthy of a good life. I learned slogans to help me make decisions that were better for me and my family. Keep coming back. Here is hope.
strick62 - Welcome to MIP - so glad that you found us and found your courage to share. I am also glad that you have found local Al-Anon support - for me, that was a game changer. I was told to come as often as possible, try to live in the day, don't make any large/big decisions for a bit and to just try to breathe and be gentle with myself.
I am sorry that his disease progressed to a physical level. That's never good and while we do not give advice in Al-Anon, it is safe to suggest that you do everything you can to protect yourself and the children. The disease is progressive and can never be cured, however, recovery is possible if the A is willing to pursue it.
I am one who also arrived full of fear, shame, anger and regret. I was able to feel better in just knowing I wasn't alone with how I felt and how I lived. Slowly I began to practice what we shared with me, and I found peace little by little moment by moment. There is nothing wrong with having hope for improvement; it's when we expect how things will go that we get disappointed. I've learned to hope for the best and pray for the next best thing for me. It's strange how my journey has changed as I've worked on me, changing me and my actions/reactions. I truly feel today that everything will be OK no matter what happens next.
My best suggestions are to stay in the present day and find time in your life to do program things for you each day. Know that you are not alone and keep coming back here + your local meetings.
(((Hugs))) for you! It works if you work it and you are worth it!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
tHERE IS LOTS OF HOPE FOR YOU. ALANON HAS BEEN A LIFESAVER FOR ME,MOSTLY TO HELP ME GET MY SELF WORTH AND CONFIDENCE BACK ALSO HOW TO DEAL WITH AH. I WAS MARRIED TO AH FOR 25 YEARS. IT TOOK SOME PLANNING AND SUPPORT ESPECIALLY FROM THIS BOARD AND MY GROUP BUT I HAVE LEFT HIM AND HAVE MY OWN PLACE. I HAVE MY SANITY BACK AND THOUGH AT TIMES IT IS HARD[ STILL HAVNT A STEADY JOB] I WAKE UP HAPPY EVERY MORNING. I WAS SO TERRIBLY MISERABLE FOR YEARS ENDURING THE SAME TYPE OF THINGS YOU ARE ENDURING. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO PM ME
Lori - I don't see anything yellow - where is it showing?
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Lori, firstly welcome, and secondly, that little yellow tag is how you identify your own posts when you look at the list...no-one else can see it!!
I have my own little yellow tag on my own posts as does everyone else
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
The yellow thing is a tag for you to find your post when checking the incoming shares. Welcome to the board Strick and mahalo (thanks) for the courage in your share. Sorry that you arrived at the physical abuse level of the disease...it is one of the levels or progression of alcoholism as they loose more and more control over it. I hope that you have not allowed it over the past because allowing it to get worse and worse makes it harder for him to feel the negative consequences of using it over you. Great for your courage to change what you did...having him arrested for the physical abuse is a "best choice" decision as it brings in others to help you get freedom from the dangerous and often deadly consequences of alcoholism. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence. If never arrested is often is fatal having traveled thru insanity which seems to be the level you are at right now.
Even if he is going to meeting, church, counseling and such keep and eye out on his body language as very often the body will give you signals you won't get otherwise. He has crossed the line with the physical abuse and is working a reprieve only. From reading your post I get the impression that it was building up to this for a while. Sorry...soooo sorry. Build a plan for your own safety should the signals show a repeat is near and keep coming back here often to read and share. (((((hugs)))))
Also, the little yellow tag is so that you can tag your posts in case someone is searching for particular topics. it's not used here too much, probably because everyone just thinks it's to identify their own posts! If you look around you will see that, even on the first page, there are a few posts that the authors have attached tags to.
When you say you won't do it anymore - do you mean call the police?
Thanks to all who answered.....you would think as much as I am here, I would have noticed the yellow tag.....you all rock!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm so sorry to read your story and that the disease has come to this frightening point - well done on calling the police. Even if you had a sense of things not being as it should, it is still a huge shock to the system to be assaulted physically, and confusing when it is someone you have trusted. I know that I have grappled with the sense of 'how could I have let this happen to me'. My realisation of the damage that I had allowed into my life had me questioning my identity for longer than I care to admit. But in all honesty, the build up of abusive behaviour is such a gradual and insidious creep - it is like being stalked by a shadow - and I don't suppose any one of us saw it coming. Be gentle with yourself, you are not crazy. You've shown tremendous strength and resolve by calling the police when you did. Stay safe. Sending you HUGE ((((hugs)))). I'm really glad you've joined us.
