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I'm making some changes to my estate planning provisions - previously, I had a set up a simple three way split for my three kids - two normal kids, and my active alcoholic/addict younger son that I've shared about here before. I'm coming to feel that it wouldn't be in my younger son's best interests to just leave him a chunk of money the way he is now, so I'd be interested in any suggestions about what'd be the right thing to do.
I love him, and I'm not trying to control things, but one of my Al Anon buddies has pointed out several times that an active alcoholic and money is not a good combination.
Hey TY - mine are young (23 & 21) and I felt the exact same way. I set up a trust with the monies to go to my Grand-Children. I had to reach out to a trusted nephew to be my executor and POA. I have chosen to keep this private from my sons as it's truly none of their business how I proceed with my estate upon my demise.
I fully agree that windfalls and addictive people are a bad combo - whether it's alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling, etc.
This gave me peace of mind in the here/now (which is all I can plan for).
Hope this helps!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It was suggested that I set up an annuity for my son so that he would receive a certain amount each month. I needed to deposit a certain amount in the annuity and then the financial planner would do the rest.
Good Luck
I forgot to mention that my younger son has no children, so while I like the idea about leaving the money to his children, it won't work in my situation - but I like the idea of an annuity, or something like that - now I'm wondering, if I did that, would I be enabling, even if I was dead (LOL) ??
I'm guessing that a provision that says anything like "if you get sober and stay sober for five years, you get the money" would be completely wrong, correct?
"Texas Yankee you could do that . We do have choices and it is your money" - sure, and there's also "Take what ya like and leave the rest", but since presenting him with an offer like that now (while I'm alive) wouldn't be right, I'm really looking for the right solution here - sure, I'll be dead then, and it's really out of my control, but I wanna do what's right - I always have hope that he'll get on a better path . . .
I guess The first item to remember is that alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. He could certainly get sober and stay sober for 5 years get the money and then relapse. As IAH stated alcoholics do not handle windfalls well. My son found sobriety, finished school, established a career, built a race car, bought a house and had a great life for 13 years he then relapsed and died from the disease within a short time There are no guarantees. I would pray about it and consult a financial advisor .
hotrod - "I would pray about it and consult a financial advisor ." - thanks so much - THAT'S the right answer for me. Much appreciated - thanks, again, for sharing your ESH with me.
I agree about the prayer + consult. My decision was certainly not a quick/dirty/done. I struggled with what to do and what ifs. In my case, this is as is for now. It is my hope that I will modify it as needed as time goes on. My parents have changed their will/power of attorney several times over the last 30+ years. Things change, needs change, etc.
Certainly consult someone as you move forward.....always a great plan!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can only write about this from experience of being the girlfriend/ wife of an alcoholic from a rich family. His parents owned multiple properties worth millions and he knew he would inherit all that in their will.
I think knowing the money was there waiting definitely was an enabling factor in his life - as no matter how much he messed up, he would always have that guarantee. Whether it was going to jail, DUI, divorce... there was always lots of support.
Sometimes it felt that the only security he could ever provide was his parents' trust fund. He worked a job he was passionate about but for minimum wage, and didn't care much about building anything with me on our own, which I discovered much later in the relationship. I didn't have the same background and soon began to realize that his motivation to be independent of his parents was lacking.
There was also no motivation to get his life together and stop drinking because even if he spent all the money on drinking and save nothing, he would still be able to live in a house of his own and retire happily.
I guess as a mother I could never disinherit my own child, so I understand that dilemma. I also don't think that itself is the solution to alcoholism. These people have to hit bottom though to recover, so financial struggles can be one of the awakenings, but definitely not to only solution. Perhaps, it could make things actually worse, if he struggles with depression.
hope some of the above helps a little, though I don't have a clear answer
-- Edited by little_phoenix on Thursday 11th of February 2016 02:14:11 AM
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"A broken heart. An aching soul. The endless piercing pain. But stop a while. Go within. Why is love to blame? Love is selfless. Love is kind. And Like the dawn of day, it breaks the night To shine its light Upon the higher way."
There's certainly a lot more to consider with this stuff that I originally thought - I don't wanna enable him from the grave, or give him a safety net so he doesn't even have to worry about doing things on his own, and I don't wanna put anything between him and finding his bottom - I know that has to happen, but it's still a scary thought for me. Prayer, prayer, and more prayer . . .
It would seem to me like any condition of sobriety is bound to fail. That's why all the laws of no drinking while on probation for a DUI fail. My AW was a model for stopping drinking after her 2nd DUI, she passed an automated breathalyzer twice/day for 6 months. She got off that, and was fine, but relapsed after about 1.5 years. She is still in recovery, she hasn't gone into being active, but she did drink. Who would monitor it? There are lots of questions, I hadn't thought of it before either.
In fact, seems like I can only think of questions. I think you are right, prayer, prayer, prayer!
I think we cant see the future and have no way of knowing how anyone would spend money left to them. Even the healthy children could kill themselves with it. I think to set up a different way of doing it for your son is kind of liek controlling from beyond the grave and not really giving him his dignity. If he chooses or not, but if he kills himself with this money or any other then is it any of your business in the grand scheme of things? Although, i do understand your concern and money and alcoholics dont go well but having no money has never stopped the destruction and chaos either really.
When I was still in deep denial about my AD (now 24 and her sister is 21), we made a will. Our estate lawyer and financial adviser worked together with us and it was decided that they have a trust until they reach age 35. If we both die and they want to spend some money the have to go to their joint "trustees" and ask.
One trustee is my brother, the other -my husband's sister. My children have to request the money and state a reason-the trustee's have to agree and "sign off" on any monies that are distributed. If it is not a good reason they can deny them.
That said, when they reach the age of 35 they can use it as the wish (if we are dead). The age 35 was suggested by my lawyer because she said it is really the minimum age where most people start getting our act together as fiscally responsible adults. Throw in an addiction and that really complicates matters.
You can set up something similar with trusted friends or family and designate any age you wish. My AD has been sober nearly 6 months so things are looking up. Will they stay that way? No telling. Time will tell and we may adjust the age and conditions as we feel necessary.
I'm not sure this is my business but....here goes anyway....If at all possible I am all about treating each child the same whether it is money or whatever. If I give one child money I give the other child the same amount. I have seen in my extended family many times that when one child is given money and others are not it causes deep emotional distress in the child/adult that lasts a lifetime. Many times it causes a rift between the siblings that never heals. I saw this in my parents generation and many times in my generation.
Like I said earlier this is not my business but in my family this has torn a family apart. I know that it shouldn't be about money but... it is and was...
Thanks everyone, for the ESH - as many of you have pointed out, there's no "right" answer, no "one size fits all", and I knew that when I asked - LOL, I guess I was trying to be an optimist - and I guess that means that I had expectations - and I'm mad at myself because I thought I'd have learned about expectations by now.
I have a lot of thoughts running through my head about this - sometimes I think that if I tried to put together something specific to him with any conditions, I'd be, once again, doubting his ability to handle something - then again, maybe I'd be ignoring the reality that he's got issues and has shown that he CAN'T handle things - or maybe it's me having hopes and expectations that he'd sober up - and even if he did, that's no guarantee against a relapse, or worse.
Right now, there's no answer that's clear to me - so I'm just going to keep praying about it and wait - I hope my HP gives me some patience, too.
