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I've been an Al Anon member for a long time, but have never come across these forums. This is my first post so saying hi to you all, hope you are doing well!
Lately I haven't been able to talk to any friends about my problem, and was hoping someone could help me with some advice. I've been in a relationship with a guy whom I considered the love of my life, for many reasons, especially because we had the most wonderful relationship when he was sober. We fell in love in a way that I'll always remember as the best time of my life, we got married and for some time had a really good marriage.
later on our relationship deteriorated because I was very frustrated and hurt by his increased drinking. I knew from his college days that was something he struggled with, as well as occasional drug use. He started going out with friends, drink a lot and my reaction to that was anger. We got into some ugly fights that hurt both of us enough for him to leave me for half a year and demand a divorce. He blamed many of our issues on my attitude and the way I treated him in those situations. I absolutely hated myself and even apologized for issues that were only partially my fault, while he never did.
I lived alone for like 6 months while he stayed with his family, until he got a DUI, and came back to fix the relationship. He was making effort to improve his drinking and turned into the caring husband I used to have. It took almost two years until he got this job offer to be a chef at a restaurant. It was his dream job, as it's a very esteemed restaurant and he is respected by his coworkers and many people who go there. However, with this new job offer my loneliness increased as well as anxieties over the relationship. He started going out more and noticing me less, and in a matter of weeks I was losing my best friend. I did my best to deal with it with keeping busy, but have to admit I have issues of codependency and the sudden change was difficult. We lost much trust when he left me the first time and I overreacted in some situations when he came home. His drinking got worse, as well as the types of friends he hung around with, some of them smoke a lot of pot and play computer games, and he was becoming so much like them.
I think few times I got angry and we got into a fight that turned somewhat physical. The way I remember is that I said something in anger and he started pushing me and I got defensive. He now says I physically hurt him first, and I don't know what to believe anymore. I hate myself because he did have some bruises on his chest from me pushing him away. I started believing that I was the one who started all these fights because I was needy. However, my heart tells me that I would never attack a person if they weren't either violating my personal space or making feel threatened.
I tried to suggest counseling and working further on our issues, but never expected him to give me the cold shoulder and say he no longer wanted to be with me. We had so much love for each other, but now suddenly he was choosing alcohol, smoking and his new friends over me. He told me before Xmas that he wanted to break up with me, as our relationship was not healthy and we would ruin each other. Yet, I don't see any issues with me, as long as I have a caring partner who doesn't drink almost daily.
I decided to leave him alone, we've been still living together, but I respect the break-up distance. I have the opportunity to move to a new city, and start a new life - but I've been stuck in this situation when I still have really strong feelings for him and miss him. I think I've been extending my stay in hopes of him reconciling with me, as the past we had was too beautiful to forget.
It got to the point where he ignores me all day and then comes home after drinking with friends and we have lots of sex together, because we still have lots of passion for each other. I know it would be healthy for me to cut it off, but it feels that if I do, I will lose that last connection to my best friend I have and that could bring this person back. He often does not remember the drunk moments, i think... in one he said he missed me as well, but I didn't know if it was the truth or manipulation. He hasn't said "i love you" in like a month, and we used to say it every day.
What's worse is that he says he was making effort and I did not treat him right, so that's why he left again. I've been replaying it all in my head and detesting myself for every starting any fight at all.
I've been finding it hard to talk to people, as I don't believe anyone understands (from the healthy normal world outside of Al-Anon) what it's like to be madly in love with an alcoholic. He is a functioning alcoholic, but definitely a daily drinker. Lately he has been coming home wasted around 2AM at least twice a week. I've been sitting at home, cleaning the house, taking care of absolutely everything... realizing this person is gone in a matter of months and not understanding where my husband went. He's not given me rent money and I don't want to ask not to damage the relationship further.
I know I should go ahead and get out of this situation, but I just don't believe he has no feelings for me anymore, after five years together, so I keep living with him in hopes that we make some good memories and eventually he will start making good decisions again.
He invited me on a trip to come see his friend - to a tropical island, and I am not sure if that means he just wants to keep stringing me along.. or is confused about the break-up and still wants to spend time with me.
any thoughts from you guys would be appreciated, I know you'd all say I need to let this person go.. but it's not as easy as leaving a stranger. We shared 5 years together.
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"A broken heart. An aching soul. The endless piercing pain. But stop a while. Go within. Why is love to blame? Love is selfless. Love is kind. And Like the dawn of day, it breaks the night To shine its light Upon the higher way."
Welcome Little Phoenix I know you have been attending alanon for a time and am sure you understand that alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless. I can easily identify with the beautiful love affair, and early marriage that slowly turns into a war zone with each s attempting to regain what has been.
Working the Steps with a sponsor, I was finally able to reach acceptance of life on life's terms and finally understand that I had to change dramatically, learn how to respond to this disease and stop reacting, if we were ever to connect again. My husband sought AA and recovery and it took nearly 3 years for me to let go of my disease enough to begin to heal .
Alanon tools work Focusing on myself, living one day at a time, trusting HP, detaching and learning to validate myself and stop reacting worked .
I suggest you up your meetings, let go of denial, embrace reality and keep coming back here. You are not alone
Welcome Little Phoenx - glad you found us and glad that you shared with us. So very sorry for the chaos and drama you appear to be living with. As Betty suggests, Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it's considered a family disease - it affects those who are close to it. We tend to get sucked in, our values, thinking, actions and reactions are often distorted as a result of living with the disease and the diseased.
I met my husband in AA - we both were sober quite a while. He was charming, lovely and the love of my life. We married after dating for a long while and I've stayed sober and he did not. Our 25th anniversary is in April. We have two children, both boys and they both are also alcoholics. We are batting 4 for 4 relative to the disease and the genetic component of it.
It's been a long strange journey that I would not wish upon anyone. I've considered leaving a few times over the years but I stayed. I have made my peace and found my sanity/serenity. Whenever I want to feel sorry for myself and/or wonder & dream about how my life may have been different with a different path and/or a different journey, I remind myself that there are no guarantees.
The program has taught me that I had distorted views of what love, commitment and relationships are/were about. I now know that I will find joy, peace and serenity each day if I rely on me and my HP vs. any other person. Relationships are hard and hard work. We are imperfect people trying to align with other imperfect people. My expectations were out of line and that compounded his inability to relate in our marriage and gave him more excuses to withdraw, and disconnect.
My best suggestion aligns with Betty's. Work the program, find a sponsor and take care of you for a while. If you need to move, go for it. If the relationship is meant to be, it will survive a separation - already has one time. If you need to stay, then do that. I will say decision-making for me with emotions vs. facts never seems to go well, and that's where the program grounded me. I became more confident and aware of me, my needs and my wants and realized I was uptight about many things that were just not all that important.
So - you are not alone and we're just a post away. Just for a moment and just for a day, try to focus on you and be kind/gentle with yourself. No point in regretting the past (this morning or yesterday) as it can't be changed. It's the now that matters and you are worth happiness - so choose you and that for a goal.
Keep coming back - it works if you work it and you're worth it!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Little Phoenix and welcome to the board. You have been in program for a while...what has worked for you? What has changed and how? My early sponsor gave me a slogan that really helped my decision making process..."When in doubt...Don't" and I used that one a lot especially when I was confused about what was going on and what was my part in it and what is it I wanted to do and have come out for me and us. My qualifier was my alcoholic/addict wife who I use to always drink with and started using with before coming to Al-Anon and then AA. I had to take care of my serenity and then my sobriety and while I was doing that most important task I left her to herself and her decisions which included still drinking and using. Work for Little Phoenix's recovery...she is what you have and what you are, she is who your HP is concerned for and your program. Stick around with the winners and if you have a winner sponsor certainly with that person. Keep coming back this works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
i think from Al-Anon meetings, the most I took away is that I cannot control the behavior of others but only my own. It gets lonely though, especially knowing that things used to be much better and missing someone a lot. I've been trying to stay strong and work on myself, while distancing myself from the partner that broke up with me, though we still live together. Feels the more I apologize for anything or try to reconcile, the more distant he is. If I give him space, he at least makes time to spend with me as friends and we can rebuild some trust.
If we never had a good relationship, I would have left by now, but because we used to be so close, it's been very hard.
He blames me pretty much for everything now and some of this statements are abusive - he points out anything negative I do.
I keep praying for some eye opening event (like the DUI), that will make him realize how his drinking hurt me and that my reactions, though not entirely appropriate, were a reaction out of loneliness and fear. He says I am crazy because my dad was an alcoholic. I firmly believe he thinks I am at fault in this relationship and that his drinking is not an issue, as he limited his consumption to what he considers acceptable (two beers a day, or some nights getting drunk a lot).
i do however think that if he did love me, he would not treat me this way.. ever, so I've been depressed and in denial, as it's also possible that I failed him as a wife and all our arguments killed the relationship we had.
That new life out there doesn't seem to be very appealing after a broken marriage.. and all those lost dreams. He was also my only family (with his family) as I don't have my own parents. The only people to turn to are in this situation friends, but they often don't understand why I'd want to be in a situation that obviously doesn't work, and why I am still in love with a person who will not be able to prioritize me. I do see only pain in the future, and lots of compromises until he finally gets to a point where he wants to turn around his life, if ever.
Chances are that by then he will meet another girl who will be an enabler, which is clearly what he's looking for now.
-- Edited by little_phoenix on Wednesday 10th of February 2016 03:21:27 PM
__________________
"A broken heart. An aching soul. The endless piercing pain. But stop a while. Go within. Why is love to blame? Love is selfless. Love is kind. And Like the dawn of day, it breaks the night To shine its light Upon the higher way."
Little Phoenix I so understand and am sorry you are in such pain I found that when I worked the Steps, with a sponsor I was able to discover my hidden defects that had been hurting me all my life. Having expectations of others, attempting to make them love me by acting in a certain way were huge . I had developed many other negative coping tools growing up and although they worked as a child -they no longer served me as an adult.
You deserve to be happy So please keep working the program. HP want good for you.
