The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not sure why I so strongly feel the need to post today, but I do, so here it is.
My AH is retired, and 13 years older than I. We live about 17 miles from town, in a gated lakeside community. His world is very small. Mostly he works around the house on projects I wrack my brain to come up with, plays computer games (which at 62 years old, seems odd to me) and drinks. Some days he is blotto when I get home between 4:30 and 5, and somedays he seems sober and waits until I go to bed to party like a rock star until early morning. (Thank God for earplugs!)
I work full time at a very mentally demanding job. Focusing on work and leaving my home issues at home is a constant challenge for me. I am a researcher and I am always looking for something that will make this all make sense or give me new ideas on how to make my life better (AKA make him drink like a Normal person). It easy to get off task at work, and even more so if I am tired and/or anxious.
We just came off of two weeks of intense together time with two out of town weddings in two weeks in distant towns. Both were drivable but required staying over at least one night. Since I no longer count on him to drive me anywhere, I do all the driving. The first trip was to Lake Tahoe and it was snowing. I love the snow, as long as I dont have to drive in it. I was not in my comfort zone, but we arrived safely. The second was closer to home but after staying overnight we had to drive home in driving rain, sometimes flooded highway conditions. Again, not my comfort zone, but we got home safely.
We are annually invited to my stepsons home for Super Bowl and we always go (with me driving of course). He lives about an hour and half away from us. This year, I told my AH I would not be going to the Super Bowl party. I said it is no hard feelings against anyone, I just dont want to get back in the car and drive that far. I need a day at home to catch up on laundry and other chores from our trips and I dont want to get home late on Sunday and have to go work on Monday at 7 am. His response...who will be my designated driver? I dont know. You figure it out. Stay sober? Call one of the other kids and ask if you can ride with them? He ended up driving himself. When he got home he said everyone asked about me, but everyone had a good time without me and I had a lovely time at home. He seemed sober when he got home, and stayed up all night partying on his own. He was coming to bed at 5:30 when I was getting up for work.
Last night, I got home from work around 4:30 and found muddy footprints all over the house. Like one of those Family Circus cartoons I could see everywhere he had gone with muddy feet. I saw MANY trips to the wet bar. Uh-oh, bad sign. I found him in bed snoring. So, what do I do? Clean up the muddy footprints first then go in to my craft room, close the door and work on a project. It almost felt like relief that he was asleep and I had more time to myself. He woke up after a while and I could hear him banging around the kitchen so I went out to ask if I could help him find something. He was looking for the fish he had taken out of the freezer for dinner. I had put it in the fridge because it was definitely thawed when I got home. He was limping around and making pathetic groaning and whimpering noises. When I asked if he was in pain, he showed me the hole he dug in the back yard. Huh? A hole for what? A fire pit. Nice, thanks for discussing it with me! I told him not to worry about dinner, I would get it done. He asked why and I started to say Because you are WASTED, but I held my tongue (thank you Al-Anon) and said I could see he was in pain, and I could help out by cooking. So I made dinner, while he snored in the recliner. He ate and then promptly went back to bed.
Because he was so drunk that all he could do was sleep, I had the most peaceful evening. I read my book by the fire I made. I had a nice cup of decaf coffee with no banter and no TV blaring in the background. I found that an evening that a year ago would have sent me in a TAILSPIN of freaking out and worry and tears, was now a peaceful, serene time I could relax and enjoy myself. Not all our drunken evenings are this way, but I surely wasnt going to waste this one by conjuring up worry and dread. I just leaned in to it and enjoyed the time alone in the quiet.
And for this, I thank Al-Anon. The insanity continues at my house, but I have feet to move me away when I need. I have other rooms I can visit or a beautiful neighborhood for walking. And sometimes, the situation takes care of itself, and I can just enjoy some quiet time. It can get lonely, but at those times, I can pick up a phone or go to a meeting. I have choices as to how I am going to react, what I am going to do and say and how I am going to spend my time. I have only been attending meetings one year and I can feel the effect of this program. I am much less likely to hand over my sanity and peace of mind based on the actions of my AH. His monkeys in his circus are not mine!
Tomorrow, I could slip back in to the freak-out mode I have lived in before, but I hope not. I will continue to work the program, rely on my HP and try to keep my eyes and mind on my side of the street. I know that I have my own sickness and my own problems that make it easy to focus on his in an effort to avoid my own. I pray every day that my HP will show me a better way to live and he does.
Thank you for listening, and caring and being my family. Thank you for your honesty and integrity. Thank you for being a sounding board for sanity in some insane times and situations. Thank you for your encouragement, strength, hope and wisdom.
And for newcomers, keep showing up. This program really works, even when you dont see it and dont know it, you are learning and growing. It is a lifeline in the stormy seas of isms.
Sorry its long. I guess I had a lot to get off my chest and out in the universe.
-- Edited by Bethany66 on Tuesday 9th of February 2016 07:14:46 PM
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
((Bethany))) Lovely share!! Thank you so much for taking the time to pass on your experience , strength and hope. Your honesty, clarity and abundant use of alanon tools are clearly evident in every word. I salute you as another "Miracle in Progress' .
Love your share Bethany, you are doing great
Using your tools and boundaries. Having a safe
Place to go and staying out of his drinking time.
You survived two road trips and two weddings.
Having a spouse at home is a challenge, one i
Failed at. My xah being at home a lot was the
Ending point in our marriage.
You sound at peace, to me detaching equals
Peace. Its still a very hard painful road.
Thank you Betty for your kind words!! That means so much coming from you. You are like an Al-Anon rock star!! :)
And Miranda, thank you as well. I don't know how the cards will all play out in my marriage, but for now, I am where I am and will continue to work on being the best me I can. I am learning to stay out of my head and out of HP's way!!
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Bethany - I too thank you for your share. I never am bothered by long posts - your post was awesome as it's a testament to what happens when one of the family embraces the program!!!
I love to see progress and results. It's the way my brain is wired I suppose but I too see your efforts and the results of using the program tools and working on you.
I have to admit that the mud-footprints all over make me chuckle (and I need that these days) - it reminded me of me - once upon a time many, many years ago. Before I got sober, I drove home from a night out and did not make it. I woke up the next day and did not remember that I did not make it. I got out of bed, into the shower, dressed, make-up, etc.
I walked out of my bedroom, found my clothes (muddy....badly so), and mud prints all over the rest of my house. I had no idea what happened but knew it was me as nobody else lived there/stayed there. I was short on time so with no recollection of the night before, figured I'd clean up my mess after work.
I went to my garage - no car. I went to the front door to look in the driveway - no car. I walked around the hood - no car. Needless to say, I was very, very, very late to work and found my car in a ditch many miles from my home - needing a tow & repair. Had it not been raining the night before, I would have died - instead, when my car went airborne, it landed and buried itself to the top of the tires in mud (there it is....the mud source).
Someone was kind enough to take me home, I guess. But it was one of those stories that would have had a normal person scared out of their mind. For me, at that point, in action alcoholism, I just wanted my car back quickly so I could 'do my thing'....
I appreciate you sharing with us - I am one who needs to hear ESH about all things Al-Anon to keep growing and keep centered. I am so glad that you had a lovely peaceful evening.
(((Hugs))) - stop by and share anytime! Thanks for being part of the family!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you, Bethany. I'm a real newcomer, 3 days since I started AlAnon. I struggle a LOT with being angry at ah. When he's a jerk to me, I don't yell at him, but I do get angry. Really angry sometimes. I don't understand why he's such a jerk, why he lies, why he gets angry at me for things I never said or thought. It's like he lives in a world that has no reality to it. And I don't get it. How do you get to a place of compassion and calm?
Thank you Bethany. It is always nice to hear when people are able to hang onto their own peace, find some quiet moments in spite of chaos. Nothing may have changed yet for him but you have changed and are reaping the benefits.
Thank you for a wonderful post and for expressing so clearly how to take care of oneself in difficult circumstances. I love your description of Hotrod - Spot on! Rock on!!
And welcome aw101, this is a marvellous place and a great support network that compliments the benefits of face to face Alanon meetings. I too would be an angry person, bottling up my feelings and getting depressed if it were not for listening to the experience of others and hearing over and over again that we can find our own serenity regardless of what the alcoholic in our life chooses to do. For years I tied myself in knots wondering how I could be a better wife, what was wrong with me?!!! Then, reading the stories of other people, I realised that we were all in the same boat and that they were hearing the same nonsense that I was hearing. That made it easier for me to stop taking things so personally, which, in turn, helped to restore some sense of balance and self-esteem. I'm still a work in progress though!
aw101 - Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad that you shared! What milkwood says is how it also worked for me. Before Al-Anon, I had great issues in finding peace and lived with/in chaos, drama, anger, fear, etc. As I embraced the program and listened with an open mind and an open heart, I slowly began to realize how insane living with this disease is. I am still with my AH, and I have changed. As I changed, he did too. He's not sober but life is calmer and I have found peace and joy.
Keep coming back - glad that you are here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
aw101 - I didn't arrive at this place of calm overnight, let me tell you. And unfortunately, I don't always take up residence at this place of calm. I tend to wander in and out depending on the day and my will. But I will say when I make the choice to be in the place of calm it comes from realizing that my peace cannot come from him. In fact, most of the time it must come IN SPITE of him! For just this moment, I am okay. I am not in danger, I have no immediate threats and I allow myself to just be. I get really mad sometimes and I screw up sometimes, so when I actually get to the place of peace I relish it.
Funny add on to the muddy footprints story, later in the afternoon he went back to digging the hole and came in with MORE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS!! I started to get mad, I really did! I said something to the effect of MORE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS? He grabbed the Swifter and started trying to clean it up, all the while he still has on the muddy shoes and pants so everywhere he goes is cleaning up the old and making new!! I CRACKED UP!! Realizing it was only dirt, no one was dead and eventually the show would be over helped me to take the step back and see the ridiculous humor in all of it. I said "you are making as many muddy prints as you are cleaning" and laughed, but he didn't get it and kept cleaning away! I thanked my HP for a bit of levity in a crazy life!!
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
I understand the wandering in and out of calm so well. Thank you so much for sharing your ESH. I, too, am grateful to Al Anon for helping me see that I can ask the question: how important is it? like when you're dealing with muddy footprints, right? As for your marriage, all that matters is that you are OK with where you are today because today is all we have. HUGS to you today!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thank you, everybody, for the welcome, and for your thoughts. Bethany, I have to tell you, the image of you with a good book and a nice cup of decaf made a real impression on me. That image helped me today when I was talking with ah and I felt myself getting angry. Just knowing I had the choice to let it go, that I didn't have to fix him, didn't have to explain reality to him and make him understand, was all new to me, and I like it! And then your second post, saying that your calm doesn't come from him, but often in spite of him, helped too. The idea that I can be happy no matter what he does is so freeing. I know I can't make the changes overnight, but I feel like a light bulb went off in my head. And Milkwood and Iamhere, hearing that I'm not the only person hearing nonsense is wonderful. I can't go to face to face meetings as I'm disabled and housebound, often bed bound. Finding this board, and the online meetings, feels like a miracle to me.
aw101 - it's not easy but it does get easier with time and it feels more natural the longer we practice using the tools. We are all about progress and one day at a time. Today is a new day - a new beginning - we get to start all over and make it the best day for us that we can! Keep coming back - it works if you work it and you're worth it!!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Wow!...Loved your share, Bethany! You are an inspiration on how to work this program. There is nothing easy about but looks like you have figured out how to make it work... Thanks for the great share!
Thank you, Iamhere. I'm reading How AlAnon Works, and it has a lot of good stuff in it. I read it last night to help me get to sleep. I'm not sure what I should be working on though. Where do I start? Can I find an online sponsor?
aw101 - here at MIP, we have a step study (look top right)....also, top left, we have meetings twice a day and there's a link to the meeting/chat room.
For me, I got online and ordered a daily reader. It helped me consider an Al-Anon concept, slogan, step or principle each day and truly focus on me, how it affects me, speaks to me, helps me, etc.
It was so foreign to me to put me first - I completely understand your, 'where do I start?' I did for everyone else and then felt dismissed/rejected when it wasn't appreciated. So, I truly had to flip things upside down and it took a conscience effort.
I get up each morning and first talk to HP. I then make my coffee. I usually pull out literature (the daily readers are great for this) and read/meditate a bit. I then collect myself for the day - shower, teeth, etc. Then I focus on what I want to do - productive or fun. I focus on what I want to cook for dinner. I then populate around my to-do(s) with how I can be of service to others.
There is tons to read here if you don't have access to more literature. I also have just googled things like detachment and studied what others have written on the web.
The most important thing to do is to try to turn your energy towards you vs. them (qualifier and others). Does this help?
You can certainly ask for an online sponsor here and/or at the meetings. If folks don't respond, don't take it personally - they may be unable due to life or other commitments.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you so much Bethany for your share! You are an inspiration! Do you have children together??? Are you happy basically in your marriage may I ask when his A is not in play????
Thank you, Iamhere. I will ask for a sponsor and check out the step board, and the literature. I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner, I tried to, but was really too sick to type. And then I remembered all the emphasis on self-care and realized it would be ok to wait until I was more coherent to respond. So I did. I like this program.
aw101 - you are welcome - no worries about when you get back to 'here' - we always leave the lights on - for everyone, one day at a time! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
We do not have any children together, but my two were very young when we married. My daughter was 7 and my son was 4. Their biological father was a drug addict and a long haul truck driver (winning combination, wouldn't you say!?) and he was absent for much of their lives, and my husband was there for everything. Thus, he gets the "dad" title. My son gave us fits from 15-20. He turned 18 in jail and was homeless for a spell, but he after some of the darkest days in our lives, he has turned the corner and is a productive young man of 26.
My husband and I are happy together when he sober. We are best friends, and I do not want to imagine my life without him. But this is a cunning and baffling disease and it would prefer if I just left him to his own devices. More than anything I wish he could drink like a "normal" person. Or what I consider a "normal" person. We live in the wine country of California and there are so many great places with so many fun events. But he has to drink it all, until its gone or he passes out and then a little more when he wakes up to chase off the demons. I understand that is the disease and not my real friend and husband. He can go days without it, then go on a weekend binge that lasts for 3 or 4 days. Eventually he won't be able to do that without getting sick. I see it coming. And if frightens the crap out of me. So, I choose to live in the moment, this moment and to have peace and serenity that no matter what happens I will be okay.
Thanks for inquiring! I hope my story helps someone as others have helped me.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Thank you for this Bethany. I too am new to al-anon and I am just so hoping to get to the place of peace you describe! I'm working on it. But when I come home and find my ABF passed out on the brand new mattress, in his own urine and vomit.... I just can't clean it up and detach yet. I'm angry and he needs to clean it up and he won't so I get more angry. I'm detaching, but there's no love in it! I'm sitting in my bedroom (we have several, so I can pick an empty one) trying to say the slogans, paying for peace, trying to work the program. After reading your share, I was reminded to just... Let go. Just for today. And suddenly, there was the peace I was trying so hard to find :) maybe I'll deal with the mattress tomorrow, who knows. It's hard for me to let something go unclean so this is waaay out of my comfort zone!
Long time since I've been on here. Struggling more than usual lately over letting go. I am angry a lot but stuffing it. Reading this chain of comments helps immeasurably. I'm realizing I need some friends. I'm grateful to everyone here. Bless you. That's all. 😕
this post and the comments that follow are a ray of hope for me as well.... I get angry at my AH but I am learning I own my reactions; that realization has helped me to react more appropriately (not every time but I am working on it) we are all a Work In Progress.... thank you all for your ESH (((( hugs)))
