Hi there,

So I feel like things are going so well lately (knock on wood).  Not that life is smooth but that I am handling the bumps in the road in a much saner way.  I really feel more in touch with my HP and that is helping me so much.  I'm starting to ask HP for help with things.  I'm learning not to react to everything so quickly and impulsively.  I'm actually starting to feel a sense of peace I don't know if I have ever felt for very long in my whole entire life.  I've felt it at moments here or there but yesterday I felt it most of the day.  That has never happened before that I can ever remember.  Being at Peace helps me focus better.  My focus was terrible in every aspect of my life before coming to the program.  As I focus more I can see how unmanageable my life had become.  Work has piled up at work, my house has been in disarray at home, my relationships with friends have fallen off track, my relationship with my mom was terrible, my daughter could certainly use more of my attention.  But I have been using the slogan easy does it and just doing small things to try to make things better because I cannot fix things all at once.  Last night my mom had dinner with us and at the end of the dinner I felt a need to give her a hug.  She has been grieving the loss of her mother and when I hugged her she broke down into tears and accepted my hug and held on tight.  in the past she would have pushed me away or said Ok ok until I stopped but not this time.  Things between her and I are getting better.  So much better than they were. 

On the weekend my AH was away and I really spent time with my daughter.  I took her out for lunch and I arranged for her friend to come over for dinner. I engaged with them and felt present with her and with them.  She couldn't stop hugging me that night when I put her to bed.  In the past I would have seen these results and felt guilty for not having done it sooner.  For all the things I didn't do.  And then that guilt (or shame) would have driven me back to my old habits. The C2C reading helped me a lot the other day that talked about taking small steps to better something.  That I should not try to make drastic changes to my life but rather making small changes little by little.  I feel more present and centred in my life.  At first being more present was overwhelming because zoning out was something I had done for so long to cope.  But with practice I am more and more present. 

Last night I was driving home from work.  My mom was going to be joining us for dinner.  My AH called to say he was annoyed with her (something she had done or said).  I started to dread going home for dinner.    In the past when my AH was in a bad mood my reaction would be to sit silently at the table.  My mom and my AH would get into some kind of argument or disagreement or another and then look to me to fix the problem with the other person.  So on the phone I suggested he speak to her about what was bothering him.  he threw around a few ideas and I validated that any one of those statements would be fine to say to her.  In the end he just simply stated that he was in a bad mood and left it alone.  I went home and even though he was quiet I didn't let it dominate the meal.  I didn't try to stop my mom from talking to my AH because she might annoy him.  I didn't try to reframe the things my AH said so that they would sound better to my mom.  I didn't try to cajole my AH out of his bad mood.  I just let them be them.  and it was fine.  I carried on with a convo with my mom and daughter since my AH was in a silent mood.  It turned out to be a good meal.  About a month ago I gave the same message to my mom and my AH.  I told them that I felt like I was in the middle of things with them because whenever they were upset with each other they would come to me and I would try to fix it.  I was the middle man for every annoyance and misstep.  I would try to manipulate (I didn't see it that way) each of them to make them change, apologize or see the other point of view.  I told them I would still listen and that I care about both of them but from now on they will need to speak to each other about their issues.  It took a few reminders but it has been amazing to watch it unfold.  The most amazing thing is how little they actually confront each other.  It makes sense.  Instead of having the easy way of going to the middle man they have to evaluate for themselves if it is really worth discussing with the other person and often it's not that important.  I can see that I was hindering their growth to deal with their problems by taking on this role that no one asked me to do in the first place.  I wasn't keeping peace within myself I was sacrificing my peace so that things would be quiet (but not peaceful).  So there is a lot less walking on egg shells in my house lately.

Sorry for the long share I just started to put things together as I wrote.