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Post Info TOPIC: Opinions


~*Service Worker*~

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Opinions


Is it ok for someone else to push their strong opinions on a person?  I apologize for not wording it right the 1st time.  ,thanks, I'll get it right one day ,lol,I'll just tell what's really going on is that my sister whome lives here with me in my home,says shes a strongly opinionated person and that she will start keeping her opinions to herself cause she has really got into my business here way to much with her strong opinions. Any esh would be highly apriciated on this topic,she isolates,and has said some pretty hurtful things to me,she pays very little rent for staying here,but all the responsibilities ate on me ,paying all bills on time ,anything that needs worked on,etc,etc,she moved in with me 8 moths ago and it's just getting harder and harder to live with her ,so she just excuses her bad behavior with that she is a strongly opinionated person,I'm not understanding ,can someone plz help me with this issue .thanks .lookingup



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~*Service Worker*~

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I wonder if the "strong opinions" aren't a way to take the attention away from the fact that she is living in your home and not pulling her weight or treating you with respect?

Unhealthy people often create dramatic diversions to mask other issues...just a thought.

I'd strongly suggest taking some time out from her and thinking through your boundaries and how they apply to house-guests, family or not!

Hugs.

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Hello Lookingup,

Eight months is quite a long time to have someone staying with you, I get a bit grizzly after a week! Perhaps it would be helpful to discuss some boundaries/house rules? I've meet some strongly opinionated people in my time and I enjoy their fervour - but I don't have to adopt their opinions as my own or let their strong feelings impact on my own balance or well being.

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~*Service Worker*~

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My sisters strong opinions are usually directed at me and anything and always negative.

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~*Service Worker*~

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lookingup , I believe anyone who has "Strong opinions" about how I should behave or live my life ,when their opinions have not been solicited, are simply rude and interfering.

It is very easy to look at someone else's life and judge and critique it and have strong opinions-- it is much more difficult to look at ones own behavior and do the same.

I would suggest that unless asked, she should keep her strong opinions of how you should live your life to herself and develop some strong opinions about how she should improve her own life, If she would like you would be glad to help her but you are not rude enough to interfere in her life.
Remember alanon reminds us that we do not have to justify, defend, or in any way engage in conversations such as this, we can simply state:" I do not agree and this is my life"
Good Luck



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Do you have a history of taking abuse from others? I think that is where the problem lies. You will change and draw better boundaries when ready.

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Veteran Member

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She's telling you this is who she is, expect you to understand this. Since she's your sister, the way she acts may not be such a surprise to you. I guess now it's about what you plan to do.  That's always what it's about in Alanon. We can't change other people just the way we respond to them.

From what you've written, it's a very unbalanced living situation. She's been living with you a long time paying very little rent, doesn't share in the responsibilities of the house. You point those things out when you talk about her behavior.  I'm not sure how much of this is OK with you. If you feel you are coming up short either financially, with her attitude toward you or her participation in things around the house, it could be time to have a talk with her.Some of in Alanon would rather suffer in silence or vent than confront someone. It's never comfortable to do this but it can finally resolve things so the other person understands what responsibilities go along with being a member in your household.

Sometimes when I need to confront someone, I put my thoughts on paper first and share them with my sponsor and discuss the situation. It helps me to hear someone else's thoughts and be sure that I am about to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean.  

Sometimes there are resentments I have to work on, sometimes I have played a part in the way things are with the other person.

Asking my higher power to be with me when I speak to the other person helps too and as well as remembering the good things I know to be true about that other person.

It easier when I tell the other person I value them and our relationship very much so I want to have the discussion. It's a way of being gentle with myself and the other person because we're both imperfect people doing the best we can with what we have.

I hope something here was of help to you and that your living situation with you sister can become more of what you hope for.  (((hugs)))) TT



-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 7th of February 2016 05:54:52 PM



-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 7th of February 2016 05:59:02 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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As I understand it, one problem you're feeling is that you feel you have no leverage, am I right?  Because if you don't like her behavior and she is not willing to change it (as I guess is the situation), your option is asking her to leave, which would mean she would be homeless, am I right?  And you are worried about her being homeless.

If I were her, and my living situation were dependent on my sister, I would be very nice to my sister.  I would be grateful and as kind as I could be.

If she would rather be homeless than behave nicely towards you, that's her choice, isn't it?  If she knew those were the options, then she could choose.

The bottom line is that you are under no obligation to host someone who treats you badly or criticizes you unnecessarily.  You have choices.  You can explain to her that while she's living there, she needs to be kind and easy to get along with, and keep harsh judgments to herself.  If she does not want to do that, then she has the option of finding another place to live or being homeless.  Her freedom, her choice.  If she chooses homelessness, you are under no obligation to stop her.

If I were your sister, I'd be sure to choose to be nice, kind, and helpful as I could be.  If she'd rather live elsewhere, then she is free to go ahead and do it.

Those are my thoughts.



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~*Service Worker*~

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R E S P E C T. I see that she doesn't have any for you. And the fact that you took her lack of respect for all those years makes me think you had a reason to think she didn't need to have respect for you. But now that you are in AlAnon and getting in touch with yourself, you are getting different than before and now you notice. Good for you.

I also do not like negative people. I avoid them whenever I can. I tune them out when I have to be with them. I call them on their words when I can.

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maryjane


~*Service Worker*~

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Mrs Betty you couldn't have said it better,she struggles with a bad addiction of her own and a daughter thats just 16 and moved away far away to be with her father and step mom.she often talks about it wondering why why instrad of what what,drives me nuts,a/sis says she done nothing to her so I dunno ,there's a problem there somewhere ,that I know but it's her bus. None of mine I nicely tell her there's help she can seek,but she says they can't do nothing for her she in deniel,my plans are in my program strong as I can get into it,and try to keep the focus on me and not her ,I can't and won't deal with her issues way to many and deep.yes I'm concerned at times cause she can get very strange acting like moveing around the house talking to herself and answering herself healthy friends of mine have noticed it ,its sad,so sad but all I can do is work my program and hope she sees a difference in me for the better,she will be uncomfortable with my changes I know she discourages me all she can to distract me from my working this,and going to meetings I usually end up quitting my meetings,she won't go to dr for she complains of being weak and fatiged all the time says she thinks it's her heart ,won't go to dr ,no exercise just hermits inside,and stares at a TV 24/7 well she takes spells of sleeping a lot,no life what so ever.i love her she my sister but she can and does bring me down then I feel drained,she has rude and hateful ways she hates on people,my sanity is right here in alanon and my hp,is what keeps me sane. It's working I know it's gonna get harder as time goes by and I really start getting even deeper and working it,and I'm sure I'll be back here alot cause there's gonna be some difficult people that won't like me ,oh well it's about me and it's got to begin with me. Thank you mrs Betty for your insight.



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Do the next right thing~

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
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((Lookingup))) It sounds as if your sister is in a great deal of pain and denial . I am pleased that you are maintaining your alanon program and using the tools.

Please do not abandon your meetings becaue she is distracting you . Living with her negative attitudes , you need all the positive support you can find. Please come back here often and refill your spirit with positive energy.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1008
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TT ,you to have helped me in this situation,everybody here seems to have given me my answers I most needed Ty,TT ,I have written down some boundaries for her and told her a few boundaries like we each clean kitchen taken turns,if you can't say something nice don't say nothing at all,and go sign up to start classes here in our town ,it's great classes all about taking care of ourselves in every way and getting out of house but she keeps trying to blow that one off,so I told her to forget cleaning just do the program the only way we can live together.



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Do the next right thing~

ONE DAY AT A TIME!

 

 



Veteran Member

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Posts: 25
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I'm glad something in my response was helpful.  I hope the boundaries you've expressed bring more balance to your household and respect without the compromise of each person's right to choose what's best for them. ((hugs))) TT



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