The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good morning - My son is 5 months sober, living in sober living and doing IOP (he just turned 19). I got a call last night that he relapsed. (drunk) I will soon need to talk to the professionals managing his recovery and him. I am desperately trying to figure out how I should best deal with this situation - what should be my approach, what to say, what NOT to say, etc. I knew this would happen one day, but I didn't see it coming this soon. I want to carefully not muddy the waters with ME and keep him focused on his recovery, but point him in the right direction. I do not have a sponsor yet. Help?
I am so sorry to hear about your son - but glad he is currently in a safe environment (and so are you!). I am still somewhat of a newbie, but I'm sure someone with more ESH will be along soon.
Welcome to MIP Peace Seeker - glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share. I have two sons that are my qualifiers, and they relapsed many times - one is still active after 5 treatment centers, 5 sober living homes, 2 periods of homelessness, etc. My other son appears to be sober currently - but also did numerous stays in rehab, sober living, etc.
It's a rough road to be the mother of a young alcoholic. What I've come to see is that the disease knows no difference between age, race, gender, etc. If they have not hit bottom, they are at risk for relapse. With each 'save' I did, I kept them from their bottom. I truly had to let go and let God, and jump into Al-Anon...I got a sponsor, established boundaries and detached as best I could.
We don't give advice, so the best I can say is show up intending to listen to what he/the professionals have to say and do your best to not rescue him from the consequences of his relapse. Once I let my sons understand that each choice had a consequence, good and bad, they matured a bit. They both have a long way to go, but they are truly independent at the moment, so I've done my job...my personal mantra is....if I were to pass from this Earth tomorrow, would they be OK?
Good luck - I strong encourage you to get into local F2F (Face to Face) meetings if you haven't yet. A sponsor is a great resource for this stage of recovery and the fellowship will be helpful for all your situations forthcoming.
Glad you're here - keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you to Jaclyn. I will hang in there..... :0) And thank you for the response Iamhere.... I have to ask what this forum is for if not for other al anon pro's to help the newbies with how they should handle situations in a healthy way that is not the codependent fall back. If there is no advice given on this forum, then what good is it? I don't mean to sound harsh, but I don't understand.
I have not spoken to my son yet, but after reading, praying, and thinking on this, I plan to ask him what he thinks brought him to the place of relapse, and what he would do differently in the future to avoid it. (I see what it was, but I won't reveal it as that would not be helpful to him.) As for what the direction of his treatment will be, I will place that decision firmly in his hands, but remind him of the contract we have in place from the treatment center, and if he chooses to leave IOP after detox, he will need to self support financially except for college costs (he is full time college through his program).
I will seek a sponsor so I can get feedback, and how best to handle these moments when I feel alone.
I think the thing about advice is because none of us knows another person's situation as well as they do. And Al-Anon is about learning the tools and how to find our own solutions that are best for our situation. So we support each other in learning and practicing the tools, instead of just spelling out you-should-do-this which may be relevant or may be completely off base. At least that's the way I understand it.
Al-Anon principles are about sharing our experience, strength and hope. We do not give advice as everyone is equal, and one key characteristic of many Al-Anon members is attempting to control others and outcomes.
We also keep the focus on ourselves, our experiences and our recovery. Continuing to focus on the alcoholic/qualifier tends to inhibit recovery and stifle growth. We are a support group vs. a help group.
While each member is different so is each alcoholic, therefore each journey is different. In spite of all the differences in personal journeys, we do find commonalities in feelings, actions, reactions and thoughts. We also find commonality in practicing the program, working the steps and using the tools.
My sons are 23 and 21, so close in age to yours. They both are my qualifiers, as well as my husband. I could spend hours sharing everything I have personally done or tried to redirect them towards a path "I WANT". However, until I learned through this program that the will choose the path "THEY WANT" and I need to give them that freedom, I was spinning my wheels - literally. There was nothing I did to cause their disease, and there is nothing I can do to change their journey. I can only work on my own.
My personal recovery guidelines suggest that I ignore/avoid members who use absolutes - All Alcoholics.....relapse, lie, cheat, never recover, etc. I also avoid those who give advice and tune into those who speak from the heart about their own ESH vs. their A(s) wrongdoings. Al-Anon is a program of mutual support for ourselves to recover from the affects of the disease of alcoholism.
I came here and wanted help for my boys. I came here wanting to fix them. I came here looking for the cure. I learned instead that I can't fix or cure them, but can change me and how I am, which will lead me to a better way of being me.
Does this help?
-- Edited by Iamhere on Monday 8th of February 2016 10:04:01 AM
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Well said IAH I agree that by keeping an open mind and sharing experience, strength and hope with each other we are Blessed with a courage, sernity and wisdom that we may have never known.
That is an excellent question. The advice that you get here will be from reading everyone's input, hearing their experiences and seeing how they relate to yours to build your awareness, keep reading and experiencing to come to a place of real awareness, and then you can figure out what actions to take.
As Mattie said, we can't give you advice because we don';t know your situation, and every one is different, even though they are all the same in many ways. So keep coming back. And read what has already been written here by many people before you, and you can start to come to terms with knowing what you think you should do, instead of us telling you what to do.
This is all a process, and we are all continually growing every day, even the ones who have been here for 20 years, so join in the process and get ready for growth.
My experience with relapse is that the first couple of times I didn't know what to do, so I just rolled with it. I followed my usual pattern of sticking my head in the sand and hoped it went away by now talking about it. A couple of DUIs/jail/probation/loss of licenses later, and with lots of support from Al Anon, I definitely talk about it with my wife when it happens. But I don't beat her over the head with it. I found that she is already ashamed of herself when she relapses, I don't need to add to that. I just need to let her know what I know (did anything bad happen she can't remember) and make sure she knows that I'm not leaving her because of it, she won't lose her son, I still love her, and she isn't a bad person (at least not any worse than anyone else) she just got this alcoholism dealt to her and it's hard to deal with. I don't get angry (usually, it's sometimes a struggle and I fail), just keep to the facts. I say what I mean, mean what I say, and don't say it mean.
Hope that helps, stick around, there is lots to learn here.
Aloha Peace and welcome to the board...the newbies and the old timers have the same 1st step on their set of 12 and it starts with "Admitted we were powerless..." the second part of the 1st step was a reminder of what the conflict between my powerlessness and my insistent use of power and control on my alcoholic/addict was doing to my life. When I finally got the first part into my gut and into my shoes (practice) the second part calmed down. I surprised myself after one relapse with my alcoholic/addict wife with the statement "Oh well" and moved on with what I had to do with/for me. Other tools for relapse are...Turning it over, Letting it go, giving it back and asking "so how is it going for you"?, calling my sponsor and listening at meetings. You will be okay. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I found that reading other people's posts here helped me to see what my options might be and I found my own ways of handling things armed with the experience of others.
When my husband relapsed it scared me and my fear used to influence my reaction, not helpful! I'm fairly sure that I must have added to the shame that he was already feeling and I can see how easy it was for him to go from that sense of shame to another drink, and then another. The last couple of times AH relapsed I did as Jerry says above - 'oh', and carried on with whatever it was I was doing. I didn't really give it any attention and did not feel any need to get involved since I finally started seeing that, despite signs to the contrary, AH was an adult and he was free to choose for himself. That helped me and it may, or may not, have helped my husband when, two and a half years ago, he chose to fight his own battle and not drink any more.
Sending (((((hugs))))), it is a frustrating experience for you.
