Al-Anon Family Group

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Post Info TOPIC: I`m new here


Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:
I`m new here


Hi All,

I`ve been browsing the forum for a while now and thought it would be good to sign up. I`ve been with my AOH for around 18 months now and through many ups and downs she is finally doing various stints in between relapses (just over 3 weeks currently. Shes currently in AA and seems to be going on a regular basis (we don`t live together). Although she`s going to AA I really don`t feel that she`s doing this for herself rather me and I don`t think she`s hit that "rock bottom" point that I`ve read so much about, she says she has but I don`t think so.

It`s strange when reading what so many of you experience is exactly the same for myself, the lies, the lies, and the lies, every time she relapses I say to myself "never again", "this is the last time" and then a short while after it all happens again, its madness that I stay with her.

My main problem now is I worry if the damage has just gone to far for me, even though she is doing well I can`t help but feel resentful and often jump to conclusions in my head if she wants "time alone" (only because usually that means time with alcohol). I find myself pondering if this is right for me even though she is doing everything I could have ever asked in her sobriety and I know it takes time, I just cannot trust her anymore :(

I know its my decision at the end of the day but like many of you I`m filled with guilt that she needs me as support to beat this, but then again why can`t I be happy to?

Thanks for reading :)



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1661
Date:

Jim521, welcome to MIP and glad you had the courage to share your situation with us.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to join a local Al-Anon group, it is there, and in
Al-Anon, that you will acquire the tools and skills to find that healing point in your life
that will enable you to make guilt free decisions for yourself.
http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting
Wishing you the best and please keep coming back here to talk with us!



__________________

 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



~*Service Worker*~

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Jim521 - I too welcome you to MIP....so glad you found us and glad that you shared.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that is considered a family disease. It affects many beyond the alcoholic, and sucks us into the chaos, drama and insanity of the disease. AA is for the alcoholic, while Al-Anon is for friends and family members affected by the disease.

I agree with Debb above me - see if you can find local Al-Anon meetings and try a few. In Al-Anon, I did learn more about the disease as well as how to best live with all it brings. Al-Anon uses the same 12 steps, while we focus on ourselves and try to let go of the obsession/worry about what they are or are not doing.

We use slogans, literature and the steps to look at ourselves, how we can change how we think, act and react to the disease and how to find peace/serenity in spite of what they are or are not doing.

There is hope and you are not alone. It did help me to clear my mind so that I was better prepared to make decisions for self-care, self-protection and my serenity.

Keep coming back - we're usually just a post away!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
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Welcome Jim I agree with Debb and IAH that if you attend alanon meetings and pick up a few healthy tools you will discover how to make a healthy decision for yourself and will be able to shed the anger, resentment and fear that plaques us all.

Keep coming back here as well It is a :"we" program

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2200
Date:

Welcome Jim521,

It felt good for me to read Iamhere's comment about letting go of the obsession/worry. Nice reminder of old habits! When I went to my first Alanon meeting I was struck by the loving acceptance of the people that I met, and that they took good care of themselves to boot. I wanted to be like that and they showed me that it was possible.

I have similar worries to you as well and for the time being I just check in with each day as it passes - did it have something in it that I enjoyed, that made me smile? Did it make me cry? Usually not, most days are actually much nicer than my imagination tries to believe and I found that keeping a journal for a couple of weeks helped me to see this more clearly. I don't feel anger easily, but eventually I realised that kind, accepting, little old me was tremendously angry and upset about what had happened in the past - and these feelings were hurting me in the much improved now. I figured that the best support that I could give was to take care of myself, treat myself well, and feed my resentments with so many good things that they eventually floated away and burst like the balloons of hot air that they were.

Someone reminded me the other day that my husband was a grown up and did not need my support. I pouted about that one for a while, but I kind of see what they mean. It isn't easy learning new ways of living and coping, it takes time to adjust, but we learn best for ourselves I think.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

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Hello Jim, welcome. I'm glad you are here and appreciate your initiative and courage to reach out to the group.

I second the thoughts of the members above. I learned about AlAnon at a time when I had become overwhelmed with a mixture of helplessness, sadness, and anger, an unhealthy belief that my responsibility included my qualifier's recovery, and the devastation that comes from taking every relapse or lie about alcohol personally.

At that time, I felt that I was the responsible one, I was the victim, and everything would be great if my qualifier would just get it together, stick with her recovery, and take our relationship as seriously as I did.

In AlAnon, the focus was on me rather than the alcoholic, helping me to become aware of how my perspectives, thoughts, and behavior affect my interactions with my qualifier and everyone else in my life. I learned to redraw the boundaries of my responsibility to a manageable territory that was much more healthy for me, as well as my qualifier.

I came to realize that I had as much to work on and improve in my own life as I thought my qualifier did. The adjustments I made in my life as a result of AlAnon have allowed the troubling mindset and behavior that defined my attempts to address a loved one's drinking to fade. I discovered that my serenity did not depend on what others did, but rather, on the perspective, thoughts and behavior I choose to adopt.

So glad you are here; positive changes come when we seek out ways to improve our thoughts and behavior.

__________________

Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 



Senior Member

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Posts: 339
Date:

Hi Jim,

Welcome. I could relate a lot to your post. My AH has been in recovery for 8 months. I thought once he stopped drinking all my problems would be solved. Boy was I wrong. I found that I had a lot of work to do on myself and I was just as sick as he was with this disease. I was filled with resentment and found it very very hard to trust him. Every time he went out to do an errand I found myself second guessing him as to where he really was, found myself trying to see if I could smell liquor on his breath, etc. I was seriously going crazy with the second guessing. In the past few months I have done a lot of soul searching and praying to my HP. I still have moments of getting in my head and doubting what he was saying or my past resentments pop up but those are getting fewer and fewer the more I work on my program. If you haven't, I would suggest checking out a face to face meeting. I think you will find these meetings to be very helpful. Best wishes and just know that you are not alone. With time, resentments start to go away if you can find a way to let go and turn them over to a HP.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3613
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Welcome.  I second what other people have said.  I don't know if you know the Al-Anon Three C's: We didn't Cause it, we can't Cure it, we can't Control it.  The "it" being alcoholism.  So as to whether she needs your support to stop drinking - "we can't Cure it, we can't Control it."  If the drinking has caused irreparable damage to your relationship (as it has to many of ours), you should feel no guilt at taking care of yourself.  Whether you leave or stay is entirely up to you, and of course should be done for you alone, not to manipulate her.  But one thing to reflect on is that if you leave as a natural consequence of her drinking and the lies and pain that goes with that - that's the thing that might be her bottom.  Again, not that you should do it for that reason.  But that sometimes we think we're helping when actually we're not getting out of the way of the consequences.

Take good care of yourself.



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Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:

thankyou all for your kind and encouraging words, I guess a big part of me shamefully is to "proud" to admit that I need the help of a group or others to beat these wild thoughts that seem to be forever in my mind. I went to an Al anon meeting mid last year when things just got too much, the only things I recall from that meeting were how absolutely wonderful everyone was and secondly how much I burst into tears when they asked it I wanted to say something. I felt that being only 29 I was in the wrong place and I was young enough to choose my own life and did`nt need anyone`s help, how wrong I am. The more I read about the subject the more I realise that Ive known for sometime that I need someone to talk to who understands, after all, its not something you can just discuss with friends or family. Jazzie your post really hit home with me in the second guessing & trying to catch them out, it drives me crazy! the more I think about it all the more I just want to sob and it all to go away.

I really really appreciate all the comments and will use them as reference as I move forward, I will look up local groups to go to and see If I can start to repair myself.

Thanks once again.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

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Hey Jim - there are online meetings here as well if that will help you 'get your feet wet'.....for me, they do not replace F2F (face to face) meetings but complement them when time/life allows. The schedule and link to the meetings/chat room are at the top left!

Come back anytime - we do our best to support each other here!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1662
Date:

Welcome jim, it all just takes time,
Go to meetings with an open mind.
I did not speak for a long time.

I love to go and close my eyes and
Just Listen to peoples shares. I speak
Now mainly because i know its good
For me.

I can cry at mtgs, many still have their
own Ongoing demons. I got up a couple
mtgs Ago crying. No one judges you.


((((((((( Jim))))))




__________________


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1152
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I`m filled with guilt that she needs me as support to beat this, but then again why can`t I be happy to?
---------------------------------------------------------------
I went into AlAnon with the purpose of "getting happy again." I didn't know why I was there because I knew it wasn't MY problem. It was his problem and he had to fix it himself.

Yeah, true, but..... I had no idea how angry I was. Not until I went to quite a few meetings did I realize how affected I had become. I knew I didn't trust him anymore and I was beating myself up to make myself trust again. It just wasn't coming. I also wasn't happy but I didn't know why. The more meetings I went to, the more angry I got. The more I realized that I had bent myself into a pretzel to keep him happy and it was at the expense of my happiness. This was all happening after he got into AA as well as the years before AA. I didn't understand myself anymore. How could I let this happen?

I finally had to leave him to his AA meetings for his support group. I couldn't be his cheerleader anymore. It was also a revelation to him when I stopped being his cheerleader and left him to his friends at his own meetings. He didn't like it much and I was filled with guilt..... but he also had mixed messages for me that he wouldn't answer any questions or talk at all about his meetings or his friends at the meetings. But he wanted me to be the cheerleader. It was terribly confusing.

That was my illness. I kept on trying to be it all. It took lots of meetings to get me to concentrate on ME..... my happiness. I knew he wasn't the one to make me happy. I had to make myself happy. And to do that I had to concentrate on ME.

Keep taking care of yourself.

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maryjane


Senior Member

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Posts: 339
Date:

Jim,

I think getting into recovery on the young side of things will do wonders for you. I do hope you find a face to face that you will like. For some reason it took me so long to get through those doors but I am so grateful I made that step. The first couple of months I would cry whenever I shared. Now I can usually get through a share without crying but I have realized that I bottled up so many emotions for so many years that I just had to let the water works come....and come they did. Now I realize that cry can be healthy and helpful. Sending you prayers and positive thoughts.


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Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:

So quick update for what`s been a testing few month, my AOH has been 3 months sober and is continuing her sobriety and doing well, unfortunately the damage for me I feel is just too much and as much as I want to forgive and forget I just can`t do it, we seemed to be constantly battling of will of her wanting to forget the past and move on and me to try and explain how I feel and I`m still healing and cannot trust her, she doesn't understand and it is with regret that we have decided to part ways, After 2 years I just cannot carry the worry with me anymore and I hope that she continues her sobriety to a better life for herself. I think only those who have been through it can understand that even with a newly sober partner all is not fixed and that blanket of relief we thought we would get once they stopped would come, unfortunately for me did not and whilst I now understand the problem a little better I feel relief in my heart to know I don`t have to worry anymore, I love her but just can`t do it anymore no i`ll continue to read up to heal me, although in time hopefully i`ll be able to trust and love again. Thankyou all for your wonderful direction.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13696
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Aloha Jim (aloha means both hello and good bye) it sound like you have made up your mind without much experience in recovery and then that's how the program works...we have no "musts".   I read back over your shares and the responses and thought about my own experiences early on in the program where I was told "If you don't listen and learn it will get worse".

I didn't and left the program after a short period of time and it surely did get worse.  Until I learned and committed to working the program for all it has been worth I would repeat my errors over again with new relationships.  Our disease is surely cunning powerful and baffling...I remade the mistakes while I wasn't wanting to and learned my part in my disease.  This afternoon my neighbor remarked very nicely about my presents wife's character and personality.  I agreed with him and also told him I had more very poor relationships before meeting my wife 25-26 years ago...our last anniversary was our 23rd and this is my 3rd marriage.  I let God direct this marriage, both of us are in Al-Anon and work the program.  We are by far not recovery "twins" and our recoveries compliment each other being directed by HP.

I wish you all the happiness and good consequences you desire and pray your experiences do not duplicate.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
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((Jim)) I can understand and do hope you continue your own recovery in Alanon. Please keep coming back.

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 963
Date:

Jim, thank you for updating us on what must have been a very challenging period of time, leading up to an incredibly painful decision. I hope that you found in AlAnon some tools and guidance that helped you during this time, and, if you so choose, during times to come.

In AlAnon I have learned that everyone must make their own decision when it comes to making the decision to stay or go. It is good to hear that you still love and wish the best for your qualifier rather than remaining in a situation that you could not bear. I wish you all the best as you move on in life and in your recovery.


__________________

Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2725
Date:

Hi Jim~Your story is mine! Lies, lies, lies. I no longer expect my A to tell the truth~that's sad but true. It's like the boy who cried wolf. I went to Alanon 3 yrs ago to learn how to fix my A. At first I was very disappointed to learn that I wasn't going to be taught how to fix her. But what I learned instead was how to fix myself! I didn't even know I needed fixing. I am stronger, less co-dependent, happy much of the time, and my A hasn't changed. We are married for a long time. I do have plans of my own now and I can't believe I'm going to carry them out. Keep coming back to Alanon. You might find what you are looking for, Lyne

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Lyne



Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:

Thanks again for all your kind words, since the decision my AOH has advised that she has indeed given up her sobriety to pursue "social" drinking as now with three months off she can "control" it, for me this is just alarm bells in my head to not go down this path again, the decision for me was to be with a sober person and work on improving myself to help the relationship which I decided against, to consider a relationship with a "social" drinking alcoholic seems like a nightmare waiting to happen. Alanon I found very very helpful during this time and going to meetings helped me understand first and foremost I am not alone. Thanks again all for all your support, I wish you all the very best in the future.

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