Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Difficult Day + Email from ExAF

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn n I am sorry for your pain and sadness. The email sounds as if he is attempting to make "amends" for his part in the situatiton. I have learned not to try to interpret or attempt to translate other people's words and to accept them on face value. Owning my part in the situation also helps with being able to accept life on life's terms
Prayers and positive thoughts on the way

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn, I'm sorry for the sadness you are feeling and the difficult decisions you've had to make.
One thing I have learned in my time in al-anon is that trying to interpret the motivation behind someone else's words or behaviour is more harmful to me than helpful and I often get it wrong; my interpretation usually says more about me and my emotional state at the time than the other person's actual motives.
For what it's worth, I too felt this sounded like an amends and didn't think it seemed distant. Perhaps he's just trying to put into words something very difficult and hasn't expressed it in a way that resonates for you.
I hope you'll take very good care of yourself and I wish you healing and peace.
(((Jaclyn)))

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Jaclyn))) - so sorry for your sadness today! I've not been in your shoes, so won't pretend to understand your pain/feelings.

I too feel as if that is his attempt to make amends. Reading between the lines, looking for an agenda and/or trying to see into another person's brain/heart for the intent vs. content made me a crazy person.....seriously. I had to learn through Al-Anon to stop applying my values, beliefs and drams towards other people. An example, I tend to write from the heart. I don't spend a ton of time picking the right words or even spell-checking/grammar-checking....I just tend to write from my heart and let it all out.

So, I assumed all people were like this. It's not so. My boys are male (think and process different than female), they are young and they've grown up with the digital age. So, they would never write down what's truly in their heart for fear it would be used against them in some manner/form/other. I have come to realize in my heart that for each person living on this earth, there is a different brain processing facts, emotions, thoughts and more. It does me no good at all whatsoever to try and analyze, dissect or understand anything other than what is in front of me.

I realize you are sad and in pain and grieving. Perhaps if you set aside the who wrote it and focus on the words, you can see it with fresh eyes and receive it differently. I've had to do that at times - and if I read things as if they were written by a stranger and/or a best friend, it's interesting how differently I 'hear it'.

We are here for you - you are not alone!

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I'm sorry for all the sadness you're feeling at this time, for the loss of a dream you had for your life.

As far as the email, I don't see this as an amends. I see it as a form of manipulation. First he tells you're a strong "girl" then he undermines your self empowerment by telling you that you don't know this about yourself. To me, this is an attempt to try to undermine your ability to recover. It implies you're in a one down position, don't know your own mind and he knows your mind. Jaclyn... you don't need to let him rent space in your head. He moved out and you're moving on now.

Whatever your illness, you are not your illness. You're a person with an illness. It sounds to me like your ex is offering false nobility with a dose of pity to you concerning that. His rejection really is HP's protection of you. In my humble opinion, better to have someone who is in for the long haul not just as long as you stay well.

As far as how he addresses your body and feelings, I would say trust my gut on this one. I question his motive with emailing this to you because he talks about his "demons" which implies he had no free will when he took the actions. Basically, he's telling you he's a victim and soliciting your pity. I think he's attention seeking and wants you to soothe his guilt and vindicate him of responsibility.

"I know this day hurts and I wish I could take it from you and put it on me (I deserve it).

Big Hug. "

This is a second attempt at getting you to respond to him. This is really rich. Hmmmm how did this become all about him??

I just don't buy it, but this is just my feeling. You're the one who's been in a relationship with him so I would say trust your own past experience as to who he is.

I hope you'll continue to trust your higher power and yourself.

I wish you healing one day at a time. You are lovable and deserving of someone who is capable of a mature relationship with the adult woman that you are. (((hugs))) TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 5th of February 2016 01:11:52 PM

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 5th of February 2016 01:56:29 PM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think both these things might be true - he wants to make amends and his basic sickness means that it can't help but be somewhat manipulative, self-regarding, etc.

It may also be a way of trying to unload the guilt he's feeling, and also to reach out and get re-enmeshed with you emotionally. Alcoholics have a hard time letting go and letting people moving on. They're always dangling a little baited fishhook. If we dwell on their craziness too much, we're taking the bait.

I think the kind of reaction it warrants might be, "He did something. He's an alcoholic. He's dangerous to be around. Even if he means something in a kind and caring way, he can't sustain that level of emotional health for long, and it will come back and bite me if I get near it. I am going to move on now and focus on my recovery and my future."

Take good care of yourself.

LedfootJenny · Senior Member

Hi Jaclyn - first I just wanted to say that it must have taken a tremendous amount of courage to write your post and put your pain out there. Thank you for sharing your story. I don't know what illness you're struggling with, but I know that for me living with Lupus means that I have to take care of myself first and that stress exacerbates my symptoms. I "hear" how much heartache you've wrestled with while making the decision to take care of your health first and delay having children until you were in a healthier place. I hope reading your post one day and looking back you will have peace about your decision and know you did the right thing for you.

I also hope that you won't let this email steal your peace or let the stress rise up and wreak havoc. He's dangling a big carrot in this email. It's almost as if he strings together a few sentences with (apparent) depth and insight during the most difficult of days - he waits to see if you'll "bite". You didn't. Also, by closing with his "slap on the back" big hug salutation it sends the message that "well I baited the hook but if you don't bite - no big deal". He saves face that way. It's the famous push-pull, "I hate you- don't leave me" stance and dance this disease generates. So, I don't know if it's amends or manipulation - I just see the pattern of the old tired out dance.

It's good to know we don't have to dance that dance anymore! I hope you're able to get to a meeting or with a close friend during this difficult time. Take care of yourself and be gentle too. There are good things on the horizon when we continue to work these steps and stay focused on us. (((HUGS)))

Jenny

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Thank you all for your insights and support.

To those who believe he is trying to 'make amends'... Why would he do that? He is not in treatment, nor any program - just "trying to get better" by himself.

To those who believe he was being manipulative... Makes sense. I just don't see the part where he is "baiting" me, as few of you put it. Do you mind elaborating or explaining that further?

And to all of you for not judging me for the difficult decision I had to make - thank you so much. I didn't know how this post would be received - but after all of your acceptance and warmth, I am glad I shared.

Thought: I know this makes me sound awful, but I am so terrified he will magically get well and give our life to this new girl he is seeing. After so many years, everything we've been through, the ceaseless and unconditional love and support I have give him. It may be irrational (?), but that's where my mind goes when he says he is "trying to be better" and with someone else.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn - I may be unique in the way I view life, love and people, but I believe that making amends is about being a good person. It's not just for those of us in recovery, it's for everyone. His motives may not be pure, but for me, that does not negate the message or the intent.

I am one who has had to do a whole lot of forgiveness to heal myself. I have 3 qualifiers that drove me to Al-Anon, and not one of them has ever made amends....no words, no effort, no apology, nothing. Instead, their way of 'dealing' is to act as if it never happened.

So, I trust everyone always until they give me a reason not to. This is one huge change I made as a result of recovery. I do not wear any guard because of my experiences; I've completely let go of it all and truly wake up each day....a new beginning. I trusted nobody when I arrived, and assumed all alcoholics were ... (insert your desired adjective here).

Based on my experience, any effort from anyone to right a wrong is a bonus in this life.

PS - this is a judgment free zone! We are all imperfect humans doing the best we can!!! (((Hugs))) for you!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I would guess that he's trying to make amends, if he is, because he had a feeling of sadness and wanted to say he was sorry.

One possible problem is that many people do use making amends as a way to get the other person to soften and trust them again. Then they draw them back into the web of enmeshment and unhealthiness. Lots of times they can do this unconsciously - they don't plot it through, but they want a way to be enmeshed with the other person again. This often happens, I've noticed, with people who have a trouble with commitment. When they're with Person A, a full relationship is too intense for them, and they don't have the emotional health to do it for long. And so they do a little extracurricular reaching out to Person B. That helps divide their attention and stir up chaos and keep them from feeling "trapped" with a single person. Sadly, I have done this myself, so I know all too well how it goes.

So that would be the part about dangling the bait. He's using an experience that is powerful for both of you, and that you have deep feelings about. And he's using it to approach you and get you feeling sentimental. Maybe even to conclude "Well, he's not so bad after all" or "How I wish it had worked out with him" or "I miss him sometimes, and what we might have had." So you get re-involved with thinking about him. You were moving forward and now you're thinking about him again more than you were. That's what they like - they like to be the center of things. They feel threatened when people start moving on. They pull out all the stops of niceness and self-blame and reminiscing to get us thinking about them again. It's sort of classic.

But we can resist the tidal wave of thinking and regretting - as they say, "Look at the past, but don't stare at it." I will state my experience of the worries that he might suddenly get healthy and be a wonderful companion for the next person. I think I am safe in saying that this never, never, never, never happens. For them to get healthy, they need to work a formal program of recovery hard, for years. They never magically become healthy partners in a quick turnaround. Even if they enter a recovery program, there is a long rough period, full of emotional oubursts, selfishness, moodiness, and turmoil. And that's the good scenario. From the outside, you won't be able to see what the new woman is going through. The lies, the nights ruined by his drinking or moodiness, the disappointment, the erratic behavior, the turmoil. But believe me, it's there. If he were able to be healthy on his own, it would have happened already. You have dodged a bullet.

Take very good care of yourself.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Thanks for elaborating! Any other ESH on this, would be super appreciated. xo

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Physical illness aside, I am struggling so much emotionally right now. I am terrified of everything. Despite their promises, I'm scared the doctors won't be able to find what's wrong with me and I'll never be able to return to my life as a happy, functioning, independent human being (I'm staying with my mother/long time abuser while I am sick). I'm scared that my father will give up on me and my wellness, and I'll have no one left to help me - practically and financially. I'm scared my exAF will forget about me, get well, and ride off into the sunset - giving our life to someone else. I'm scared my brother will never forgiving me for cutting him out of my life for the passed 8-9 months (long story). I'm scared my friends will forget about me, the longer I am absent, or just think of me as the debilitated, sick one. I'm scared the longer I stay sick and miserable, the more I will lose the person I was (whom I very much liked). I'm scared my hair will never grow back (it is falling out in clumps all day everyday for no reason that we know of). I could go on - but I think you all get the point. I struggle with the concept and acceptance of a higher power, but have been actively trying to "talk to" something and try to believe. I have a therapist I speak with twice a week. How else do I work through these fears? I feel like they are drowning me. Thanks all.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn attending on line meetings will help to reinforce alanon basic principles of living one day at a time, trusting our lives and the outcome to HP, as we stop projecting to the future and and living in the past.

Many of us have had the same anxiety and have been provided with the tools that enabled us to shed the pain and come to live in serenity , courage and a little wisdom.

You can too please keep coming back

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn, I am so sorry you are experiencing such overwhelming feelings. For myself, I was given a gift by another Al-anon member, who shared "If you are going to make stuff up, why not make up good stuff?" (This saying always makes me laugh, which gets me out of the negative thoughts.)

Of course, your worries have a basis in reality. All of those people and situations are real. But can you reframe how you are looking at them? For example, there is some percent chance the doctors won't find the cause of the problem, but there is also some percent chance that they will find it. Also, you are not alone. Sometimes help comes from unexpected sources.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

There are also some unspoken assumptions in your fears. For instance, what if your ABF is magically the one in a billion alcoholics who can suddenly and amazingly get better and ride off into the sunset with the new woman? First of all, if he suddenly became a healthy, wonderful person, he would recognize the wrongs he has done you, disentangle himself from both relationships, do a lot of work on himself, and re-approach you carefully and gently, showing you that he's healthy and giving you a long, long time to believe in the new him. Hasn't done that? Then he's not healthy! Guaranteed!

But even if he were to become healthy and ride off into the sunset with the new woman, the unspoken assumption in your heart is "I could never find anyone as good as that. Or be any happier than I could be with him. This is a man who has hurt me badly in the past, who started his adult life as an alcoholic who causes damage to the people nearest to him. But that's the best I can do. I could never get anyone better than a ex-damaged alcoholic. If I don't have him, I couldn't be acceptably happy." But the truth is that there are wonderful people out there - even men who have had no problems with alcohol! Think how healthy and loving those men could be! With no sad and painful past in how they've treated you, even!

When we get into fear mode, our brain state takes over and narrows our focus, so we see danger in every situation. But there is more than that out there. Just keeping in mind that there are more possibilities than our brain is looking at can be freeing. Take good care of yourself.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Hotrod - I'm sorry that you and others have felt this degree of anxiety/fear... But am encouraged that you seem to have found a way through the horrific pain. freetime - I like that quotation! I need to try and reframe like you recommended. I will do my absolute best. Mattie - thank you for pointing out that despite what ex-AF says, he is not yet healthy, by any means. You're posts really hit home with me - and I'm oh so appreciative. To the community: any further thoughts/ESH always welcome and much appreciated

Jaclyn · Senior Member

For many years, ex-AF and I threw a huge annual Super Bowl party. I loved preparing for it together and then being together with all of our friends. Surprisingly enough, even in times of drinking - he was never "badly behaved" at one of these parties.

I miss him and I miss us; I'm so scared he is just going to sub in the new girl he is seeing - and everything will go on like I was never there. I, on the other hand, will be doing nothing - as I am still so physically ill. Just so upsetting. All of it.

-- Edited by Jaclyn on Sunday 7th of February 2016 01:29:34 PM

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Hugs))))) Jaclyn,

I'm sorry that you are going through so much at the moment and I'm sending positive vibes to you and those doctors so that they can continue to help you and restore your health. I'm afraid that your ex-AF's email reminds me of some of the times when my husband tried to be nice but then it turned out that his self-pity just couldn't quite resist stepping into the spotlight of someone else's grief.

Apart from admiring your bravery and courage in making some difficult choices, the thought that really jumped out for me from all that you've said is is that you 'liked yourself very much'. I love that you are still connecting with that person that you like - thank you for sharing that with us. I know that I've been very fearful of turning into a bitter, ungrateful old cow sometimes and it did me the power of good when I could remember who I was during a simpler time in my life. I have used my memories about what I valued and enjoyed about myself so that I could look at how I could incorporate some of those sustaining enjoyments and affirmations into my current situation. They made me stronger, empowered me even though I was feeling helpless at the time, and they helped me to imagine a more positive future for myself as well. Thank you Jaclyn for the reminder. And letting you know that you are not alone.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jaclyn,

You are having a hard go of it, I am truly sorry that this is happening to you. It makes the struggles I have pale in comparison. I will pray to HP that you will come out of this soon, and get answers.

Al Anon has an acronym for FEAR. I know, who would've guessed? biggrin In fact, I found a bunch of acronyms for fear, some of which, according to this website, come from AA as well. The one I have always heard is False Evidence Appearing Real. As was pointed out above, you have basis for these fears, but none of them has yet happened, and many of them may never happen.

I am a naturally fearful person, and I go into flight rather than fight mode. Reminds me of another one on the site, F--- Everything and Run - that's me! Not an acronym I want to live by, it's always a struggle.

My favorite on on the website, which I hadn't heard before, is FEAR: Failure Expected And Received. That I thought was a good one, somewhat like False Evidence Appearing Real, which shows that my fears are projections, they aren't reality.

So many things to work on for fear. It's a big subject, and one we talk about much, thanks for bringing it up, and I hope you get some serenity soon. The hardest thing I can think of is to have serenity under the kind of stress you are under, and I know it can be achieved, but I have not yet gotten to that point. I hope you can, I'm sure you can with enough working steps and reading.

Kenny

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It's also easy for us to have "selective remembering" - like the loss of the Super Bowl party looms large. But think of all the painful things he did that weren't the Super Bowl party. Those are actually more important factors for your overall happiness than a once-a-year party. Of course everyone we're with, no matter how damaged, has some good qualities and we had some good times with them. Otherwise we wouldn't have stayed past moment 1. But 80% bad and 20% good does not mean the relationship was endurable. Even 50-50 each way doesn't mean it's endurable. Sometimes when things are bad, we remember those good times with even more yearning. But they shouldn't be rare and precious - we should have been able to take good times for granted.

Jaclyn, it sounds to me also as if your poor health right now is also an understandable cause of grief. You can find another guy who likes the Super Bowl. Indeed, it's hard to find a guy who doesn't! But the real important thing is your good health. Losing that is a source of sadness that isn't related to your guy, even though "Back when I was healthy and enjoyed the Super Bowl parties" seems like all one thing.

I too had a terrible period of ill health and despair. It turned out I had two rare syndromes that were complicating each other. Both have gradually gotten better. It caused a lot of depression, though. Didn't help that my A revealed that he thought it was "all in my head." You can imagine how I feel about that! But anyway, just to say that I know things are twice as hard with ill health - but that is a time when we especially need everyone around us to be emotionally healthy.

Jazzie18 · Senior Member

Thought: I know this makes me sound awful, but I am so terrified he will magically get well and give our life to this new girl he is seeing. After so many years, everything we've been through, the ceaseless and unconditional love and support I have give him. It may be irrational (?), but that's where my mind goes when he says he is "trying to be better" and with someone else.

I think you will find that many have thought/feared the same exact thing so don't feel bad expressing that fear.

OceanTide · Veteran Member

This I initially thought was an amends...and I still do mostly. But I also think it is somewhat of a manipulation. I recently went through the same thing where I got an email from XA. For a little while it drove me REALLY crazy and then I had to use my program tools and stop worrying about what he wanted. I started to look at my motivations and figure out what I wanted. Did I want this guy to be in contact with me? Did I want to go for a coffee with this person? Where did I stand on things? When I figured out what my motivations were it allowed me to have boundaries that reflected them and it also protected me from whatever his motivations were. It was not worth it for me to drive myself crazy worrying about him when I need to worry about me.

Just as an aside... I took the statement about being irresponsible with your body as a reflection of him perhaps feeling bad that he contributed to an unplanned pregnancy...that's just my two cents. Even if his motivations were different with those words it's not worth you analyzing it. I really went crazy with second-guessing my past with XA and not just taking it at face value and then leaving it in the past.

((Hugs))

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Milkwood - Thank you for your response. I really did like myself, but have a great fear that through whatever mystery illness I have - coupled with how traumatized I am by family of origin and the A - that the person I liked is gone. That is, of course, not what I want to be the case - and I feel like between the doctors I am going to, therapist I am seeing, and participating here, I am doing the best I can... But I'm losing. I want the bright future that I once had, but it just seems so far gone and out of reach :(

Kenny - Thanks for the acronyms and for sharing. I appreciate all that you wrote, and I too hope I can achieve some type of peace - even while I am going through this.

Mattie - Just to clarify, it really wasn't about the superbowl. I could care less - it was about us and our close friends being together. That being said, you are definitely right about "selective remembering" and my poor health being an enormous source of pain/stress. My horrific family of origin (who I am forced to stay with while I'm ill) also is relentless in trying to convince me that this is "all in my head". How did you make it through? Because honestly, most of the time I feel like I won't...

Jazzie - Thank you for your support and reassurance.

OceanTide - Thank you for sharing your similar experience and how it unfolded for you. It really helps to know I'm not completely alone.

Keep the ESH coming, all - you don't know how much it means to me.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Vday weekend... I'm still very sick with no viable leads... Ex-A is with someone else. He was SO good at holidays and grand gestures. It sickens me that he can and will do all of those loving things he did for me for almost eight years - but for someone else. How do I deal? So sad... Happy weekend, all. xo

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn - my AH has not recognized my b-day, v-day, anniversary and any other day for more than 20 years. I was hurt and sad at first, but then someone in program told me that it's just another day...and that was true and that's how I view it. I am not concerned about what he does or doesn't do any more. I made plans for Sunday before I realized it was V-Day and that's perfectly OK for me.

So, I've treated myself before, eaten ice-cream and watched movies, ordered food delivery, etc. Love you and don't wait for someone else to do so. You are worth it and it is just another day!

(((Hugs)))

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn, I like Iamhere's solution for V-day and I'm going to do something I enjoy and feel cosseted by to send a valentine to myself.

I think that my 'true self' hibernated for a while but it didn't go away, I now think that I've grown as a result of some unexpected hardships. I hear you recognising that you are hurting and want to take care of yourself. I read a suggestion somewhere that has helped, it sounds a bit new-age but I liked that it was something I could do, wherever I was - when you are aware of those rattling thoughts and worries going round in your head, who is it that holds that awareness? I found that to be a calm place and it was were I started to reconnect.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Iamhere - I am sorry to hear your AH has been so neglectful over the passed 20 years. You deserve someone to recognize these occasions and to spoil you. That being said, I think your advice is great (especially when I am so physically ill)... And I plan on heading it to the best of my ability. Thank you so much. Milkwood - thank you for your response. Do you mind elaborating/explaining further your "new age" method/advice? ALL - In great need of ESH and much support right now. Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. xo

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Jaclyn - I am not at all sorry nor do I feel sorry for my situation at all. What I've learned is I don't need another person to spoil me or to recognize me for anything/a special day. This program has given me the confidence to be grateful for each day I am alive/on this earth and that's more than enough for me on any single day - whether it's labeled a special day or not.

I no longer live my life thinking about what I will 'get' from it. Recovery has taught me that it's not about what I get but rather what I give. The 'give' has to be without motive, and with the intent of being of service.

Food for thought - my husband has 7 siblings. There were 10 total folks living in a very small home, and never enough money or food. His parents died very early and he's the oldest. All these milestone days and recognized holidays tend to remind him of unpleasant times and loss of days gone by. I love him enough and respect him enough to accept how he is and what he is or is not doing on these days. He made an effort early on and I could tell he was visibly not into it. Whether he does/does not do what's expected by society on special days doesn't change that.

I've never been spoiled in my life and would probably run fast and furious away from anyone who tried to do so. I enjoy folks doing for me or helping me, but I am not comfortable with extensive pampering. Just not my thing....so - please don't feel sorry for me - I need no pity or concern - the best gift I have ever gotten came from this program and HP - that is peace of mind and heart. I would not trade this for the rock-star best husband in the whole wide world - ever - I promise!!

(((Hugs)))

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Iamhere - I understand and was not "pitying" you. I apologize if my words offended you.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Mahalo Iamhere for your response with Jaclyn...how powerful and able to invite me to inventory my own recovery and reality. I love it. ((((hugs)))) smile

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn - no offense at all! Just speaking my truth....I love my life as is. I am grateful for all I was, all I am and all I hope to be (God Willing)!!!

Thanks Jerry - TBH.....I'm not super thrilled about most of the 'special days' - that comes from the other side of the program. The commercial intent has surprised the original intent and for so many alcoholics, these are very hard days to meet expectations, let alone exceed. I had many days in early sobriety where I just held on for dear life on 'special days'. So - for me, my family and most of my friends in program, these are 'just another day' days for us.

My brother called me last night & told me he loved me and HVD! It was so out of the blue, so unexpected and so appreciated. The unexpected gift from an unexpected source is way better to me than anything else that could happen.

My AH is sheetrocking and insulating @ the rental house today - that's a way better gift to me than a meal, a flower(s) or chocolates and I can't wait to see the progress!

(((Hugs))) to all!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene