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Post Info TOPIC: New here and a bit lost....


Newbie

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New here and a bit lost....


I'm in a relationship with the person I truly do consider my soul mate.  We've known each other since we were about ten, and the last few years we've finally had the opportunity to be together.  I have three children with my ex.  My partner has had addiction problems for most of his life.  Drugs and alcohol.  Most recently alcohol has been the culprit.  I've played the codependent role for quite some time in regards to this addiction.  The past few months I set clear boundaries.  He was talking about doing rehab.  Then he hit rock bottom....I came home from work and he was so drunk he could barely walk.  I got him into the car and took him to the E.R.   By the time we got there, I couldn't wake him...he was unresponsive.  My 5 year old son was in the car; we were supposed to be going to see a monster truck show for his birthday.  Instead, we spent the night in the e.r.  Then he went to detox.   Now he's doing intensive outpatient therapy..  

What I'm struggling with here, is trying to balance everything and not go insane.  How to play the supporter without playing the enabler.  How to begin mending my own wounds while trying to help him do the same.  He's staying in a hotel as he's going through this process.  We had a fun night together, both sober.  Today I went to take him out and he was in an awful mood.  I suddenly realized that I'm not yet equipped to deal with that phase of this process.  I'm still too hurt.  It causes my resentment to bubble up.  I met with his therapist for a few minutes the other day and asked the question about supporting vs. enabling.  That I understand what enabling is when we're talking about the active addiction phase.  But I was asking what was considered to be enabling during the recovery phase.  He gave a confusing answer, and his example was that if he called and said he was lonely, and I went to him, this was enabling.  Enabling what?  What negative behavior am I encouraging by being there for him?  Today I got an email from the therapist stating that he and I should no longer text throughout the day, but instead set up a time to email once a day.  This upset me.  It made me feel like I'm part of the problem.  It also made me feel like I'm being pushed into the background.  My partner has stated that hearing from me and hearing about the kids, is how he gets through his days.  What am I supposed to do here??



-- Edited by womanking on Thursday 4th of February 2016 08:54:03 PM

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wp


~*Service Worker*~

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Woman, When our life has become unmanageable, we find we belong in alanon. Suggest you go to local alanon meetings now and keep going and going. This is the best way I know of to find serenity in our situations.
Best to you and may you find the road to peace.

wp


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~*Service Worker*~

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I cannot be exactly sure of what the therapist meant but I would lean towards "enabling" him not to have to deal with the feeling lonely and work through it.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome and I'm glad you have found us.  It's hard to know what the therapist means by these examples, since we don't have the whole context.  It could be that he is not very familiar with addiction or it could be that he's very familiar with it but just not explaining himself clearly right now.  One principle that we learn in Al-Anon is not to protect the alcoholic from the consequence of his actions.  That's a way to assess for ourselves whether we're enabling.  It does require thought and practice, and all of this doesn't happen overnight.  Meetings are the best way to get a handle on the program and to start our own recovery. We need recovery too since alcoholism draws everyone around into the insanity.  I hope you'll read through the threads on this site, find a good meeting, get the literature, and keep coming back.  Hugs!



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Truth wrote:

I cannot be exactly sure of what the therapist meant but I would lean towards "enabling" him not to have to deal with the feeling lonely and work through it.


 I understand what you're meaning here, but I've always thought of the term "enabling", in the negative sense, meaning that it produces negative results, or reinforces negative actions.  We all get lonely.  There's no shame in that.  And there should be no shame in asking for help.  Hell, he's lonely there, I'm lonely here.  We're all fighting our own battles in this situation.  But one thing I won't ever deny him is help when he feels alone.  No matter how he got there.  This is a very deep, 'soul mate' like connection....yes, sometimes I want to rip my hair out because of everything mentioned above.  I'd just never heard the term 'enabling' in regards to something like this example provided.  I've always read that they need all of the love and support they can get, without enabling them to continue on with their addictions or the behaviors that accompanied them.

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome Womanking,

This is a great subject and really relevant for me today. When a toddler is learning to walk we left them fall from time to time, that way they learn to get their balance and to be able to walk through life under their own steam. I have been overly protective of my husbands feelings and have always wanted to step up when he is struggling but sometimes I think it would have been more loving to have simply said 'you've got this, you can do it'. It is very counterintuitive for me to do that, but as you say the resentments keep coming up when we get into a pattern of giving to much, however much that giving meets our own our need to feel needed.

I think that there is a place for a degree of 'codependency' in a healthy relationship, but the consideration needs to flow equally in both directions. In a relationship tinged by addiction that doesn't always happen and we learn ways of caring that are unhealthy to ourselves and to our partner. Life is endlessly nuanced isn't it?!!!

Alanon has great tools for learning how to look at ourselves, not to take things too seriously and to enjoy our lives regardless of what the alcoholic is doing. To my mind that helps me to be better able to be present and able to enjoy my relationships without worrying about what the other person is feeling.

Just my take on it today. Thank you for your thought provoking post.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome Woman, I believe that by filling the void in this person's life with your life , your children, your concerns you are enabling him to stay stuck.
He needs to reach out to AA members, and people in the recovery community, make meaningful connections in recovery and then find himself enough to rebuild a life. He cannot simply sit in a room and feed off your life.

A partnership is just that both people are living life, walking in the same direction side by side, not one person having a life and the other standing still. It is two whole people not each person being half.  

Alanon face to face meetings will help you to develop new tools to live by so please search them out and attend 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Womanking - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you shared.

I too would recommend finding local Al-Anon meetings, as this will help you gain deeper understanding of the disease and how it affects all those who are touched by it. I wholeheartedly agree with what hotrod (Betty) above me has written - a partnership is two separate people walking in the same direction as unique and whole individuals sharing experiences. For me, when I become engaged in their choices, actions, consequences, etc. I'm overstepping my place in it.

One example/definition of enabling that I use is doing for another what they could/should do for themselves. Some concrete examples - paying bills, fees, fines, etc. when they can't because they are not employed and/or not allocating moneys wisely.

Abstract examples are as suggested - filling voids created by them or their disease, keeping company when they are unpleasant, being their sponsor, counselor, etc. This area is harder to define in the moment so I also had to include for my mental boundaries - when I am concerned about their (insert .......... here) more than they are, I'm enabling again. Examples for me include future, job, children, bills, sadness, depression, etc.

I have learned through the program to not attempt to decipher what another means. As I have gained more confidence in my program and my ability to 'be', I ask questions. For example, with professionals, I would ask, "Can you give me examples?" "What do you see my role to be in these sessions?" I guess for me, I am one who seeks clarity as best as possible so I am doing the best I can to go forward.

Al-Anon has given me a set of tools to use when I am just not certain what to do next. It helps me to be healthy in my thoughts, actions and deeds. We learn to detach from others and to find peace while living with or loving someone with the disease. We try to keep the focus on ourselves, one day at a time and move forward with purpose that supports our goals/joy.

Keep coming back - know that you are not alone and we're just a post away!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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Thank you all for these past few responses. They are helpful and very insightful. There is always another perspective to anything, and that's just what I was seeking out. I grew up basically raising my brother at a young age, and caring for people ever since then, whether they deserved it or not. It's in my nature. Though I've set clear boundaries regarding actions, I enter a foggy area when it comes to boundaries with my heart. Especially with him. I've never been so close to someone. And due to that, and the current circumstances, never so hurt by someone.

There are Al Anon meetings about 20 minutes from me. I have a hard time finding to do anything. I have three kids, two jobs, rent, bills, a house to maintain, activities the kids are involved in, and in the midst of that chaos, I'm trying to process the current situation and keep my feet on the ground during what feels like an emotional tornado. I'm a photographer, so I do a lot of work on my computer and it was easiest to reach out this way to start. He's currently staying in that town 20 minutes away. He's attending meetings, therapy sessions (individual and group). I get confused as to what my role is right now. It feels awkward to not be in contact with him throughout the day.

Anyway...thanks again!



-- Edited by womanking on Friday 5th of February 2016 08:18:29 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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womanking - if it helps, there are meetings here twice a day. Look to the top left for the meeting times and also the link to the meeting/chat room. There are a few times where no chair appears, but there are almost always folks who can talk with you and share ESH (Experience Strength Hope) with you.

Take care of you and trust the process with the rest as best you can!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Hi wk, welcome.

Other members have contributed some very helpful thoughts and recommendations that I followed and benefited from, I hope you do, too. For me, meeting attendance was extremely helpful to refocus my thoughts, and reading a page daily from the readers (Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in AlAnon, Hope for Today) was indispensible for exposing me to healthier ways to process and respond to situations in my life.

One of the things that I appreciate about AlAnon is that it does not get hung up on word definitions or place value or importance on "accurately" labeling the behavior of others. We are asked only to become aware and honest about how WE feel about them, and then take steps to place ourselves in a healthy environment in which WE feel secure. AlAnon helps us discover what that is for US.

Many of us who are affected by the drinking of others came to AlAnon with unhealthy ways of perceiving and interacting with others. This becomes evident when our lives become unmanageable. For me, this was because I tried to hold responsibility for far too many things outside of myself, including my qualifier's recovery.

Through attending meetings, daily readings of healthier perspectives, and meditation I learned what I was responsible for, me, and what I needed to let go of, everything else. I determined what was acceptable for ME, and what was not, regardless of what others labeled it or thought of it; others have the right to decide for themselves, only I can decide for me.

This took me awhile; AlAnon mentions a 6-month time period during which it might be wise to hold off on making major decisions while trying on a healthier perspective and coming to terms with our true self. I tried that and am very grateful; it allowed me to come to a decision that was made calmly, with a sense of peace, and with a good outcome for ME.

It sounds like you have a ton on your plate, but I really hope you will be able to make the meetings happen. As is sometimes said, when you feel like there is too much going on and there's no way you can make it, that's when you need to go. Reading from the books I mentioned or any other AlAnon Family Group books is also very helpful for getting a fresh, healthy splash of positive...might even be better than wheat grass!

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best on your journey, keep coming back

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Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 

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