The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think parents often have unconditional love for their children. However, it doesn't have to mean that they behave unwisely and let their children get away with everything. You can still love someone while setting boundaries and responding appropriately to the person's behavior. Many of us continue to love our A's, but that doesn't mean we let them ride roughshod over us. And sometimes that loving has to happen from afar.
I think unconditional love presents itself in many ways. I had unconditional love for my XAH also but it backfired because i became blind or too accepting to behavior of his which hurt me and our relationship. It allowed my personality to morph into blind trust and acceptance of everthing because i believed then that was all i deserved
Now, with Alanon and hp and space between my XAH i can see better. With my new boyfriend, i set boundaries, my eyes stay pealed for any behavior of his that comprimises my self worth, self reliance etc etc
The Unconditional love becomes conditional that way. Athough i have acceptance/love for him, and tolerance for his faults, i am aware and am even able to suggest where he could improve. Also im open to his suggestions. Everything seems to be taken well and in a healthy way
Alyce
For me, this is about acceptance of myself as I am today and others as well. For me, it's about looking for a loving hp working within myself and being capable of seeing loving hp in another person. When I make conscious choice to unlove someone based on their actions, I'm in an ego driven place - edging god out. I'm an imperfect work in progress. I try to keep that in front of me each day. With that said, I don't necessarily like all family members or their actions. I like some more than others, spend time with some more than others but the depth of my love is the same. When I find myself drifting from that thinking into a place of presumed superiority and judgement of others, I've drifted too far from the god of my understanding and am losing my humility. Some days I need more work in this area than on other days. That's OK. I think the most humbling of all is when a loved one I've judged and I've acted downright rotten towards, forgives my actions without condition. That can be very humbling. Uhhh who has recovery? Who was pointing? Oh yeah... it was me. I'm grateful for those lessons when hp shows me the equal playing field by showing actions of recovery in those on whom I'm trying to impose my will. Thank you for this topic and for sharing. I look forward to the responses. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Great topic and my thoughts mirror what TT says! I don't believe you can give unconditional love or receive it unless it starts with self. It's about self acceptance and acceptance of others, exactly as we all are with no expectations of change, or anything in return. I too can drift at times, and have been told time and time again that when I am bothered by a person, place or thing the fault lies within me. It's either the way I am processing or a lack of acceptance of others.
Lovely shares above me - thanks to all for the input!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The shares match my own understanding and practice..."Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exact who they are". So it is acceptance with out condition...the other doesn't have to be something they are not in order for me to love them. Yay!! (((hugs)))
LinSC - I also struggle with unconditional love, in that I can't stop giving it to people that don't deserve it. Seems like you have some great replies here - just wanted to let you know how relevant this topic is for me, as well. Thank you and all the best, Jaclyn
I believe that love could be unconditional but that the relationship, itself, has conditions. I can love my SO or children unconditionally but when boundaries are crossed or there is abuse, I can still love that person but I can love myself more by putting a condition on the relationship.
Honestly, this is a great topic because we can learn so much from other people's perspectives.
I can accept my partner as he is just as I accept myself and am willing to see the good, the bad, and the ugly within myself. Self love and acceptance are key to understanding exactly what unconditional love looks like. I used to think that I loved my XAH unconditionally, but really I was looking to him to fill a void, I put him on a pedestal and expected things from him that he wasn't capable of giving....I'm not sure that's unconditional now that I can look back on it. I wish I could say that I loved him unconditionally, but my empty damaged soul and heart and my ego were using our marriage to fill a void, even though at the time, I didn't even recognize it as such.
It's a dangerous thing for me to say that I loved unconditionally because if you asked my XAH, he will probably say that he didn't feel that way. And, he's probably right.
So, until I practice true honest self love and acceptance, I cannot say that I can truly practice unconditional love. I can only hope that, moving forward, I am doing better at it today with my new partner than I did in the past.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
HI Lin I believe that being an imperfect human being, I am unable to love unconditionally. I do attempt to love humbly, with non judgemental acceptance, empathy and compassion and I feel only my "Perfect HP "can love with this "perfect unconditional love "of which we speak .
I am pleased that I have reached the point in Loving that alanon has given me and am grateful
I think it's when you love someone regardless of what they do and how they treat you. It's a love that is selfless, and won't change with the other person's actions.
It can also be a sign of an unhealthy attachment to a person, codependency - but it can also be love that is full of hope, kindness and wisdom. I feel that choosing to love sometimes certain people unconditionally lightens up my heart as I don't harbor any hatred.
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"A broken heart. An aching soul. The endless piercing pain. But stop a while. Go within. Why is love to blame? Love is selfless. Love is kind. And Like the dawn of day, it breaks the night To shine its light Upon the higher way."
What a great question, love those deep thoughtful ones. Some things never change. Linsc xxx also love your picture, i see the winters all white for you as usual.xxx
When I came into Alanon and began working the program I had to rethink and consider my whole out dated belief system on everything really. The very ideas I had of what love was were pretty warped and unhealthy, of course. Just all part of my sick thinking in this disease of alcoholism that seems to coarse through my blood and my families blood.
I thought I loved and loved deeply, I thought I was better at love than anyone else I knew. lol. After all, I was loving this alcoholic husband and who else would??? This must have meant I was really good at loving!!! Aye right!!!
Actually, my idea of love was pretty immature in every aspect of my life. the love I gave my Mother was childish and my role within that love was the child daughter, even as a grown woman. the love I gave my husband was a pretty child like love, kind of based around drama and crisis and prove it kind of childish notions. Also, I thought love was that despite the horror of crisis after crisis our life together had become we were still together.
The love I've thought about more than any other is my Mother love and Ive got to admit that I became aware that even that was pretty immature. dished out in lavish expressions or withheld in huffy withdrawal. Never really a consistent dependable love of a grown up Mother Im afraid. The Mother love I showed my kids was an all or nothing love and it was based on guilt and fear. Pretty negative motives to direct love within.
I learned through Al-anon and the members to love more appropriately, not sure I could ever say I loved unconditionally but im as close as I have ever been. I love my children enough now to let them go, let them make their own way and mistakes without my big mouth interfering, controlling and judging. I love through example, trying hard to love myself, setting healthy boundaries, self care, thats the best love ive ever given. Thats why Im a lifelong member of Alanon now, because otherwise I cant really love.
I like to feel love for people, sometimes i can even feel it for workmates and acquaintances and its pretty amazing. Its not guaranteed though. If i lose sight of the steps and the program love kind of disappears from me in lots of ways. Love is another gift of this program but ive got to work it.
