Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Taraxacum · Senior Member

separating from A with young children

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

As I said on another thread, I separated when our son was 3. I did not allow my ex access beyond a couple of hours per week, and in the beginning I supervised that. He moved one block away, so he could walk over and see our son, and didn't have to use a car to take him over to his place.

One up side is that alcoholics are very often too preoccupied by their alcoholism to want very much intensive parenting. They may say they do, but when push comes to shove, an hour or two with a small kid is all they can handle. They'll park him in front of the TV and keep drinking, in my experience. I would coax my ex to take our kid to a pizza place, so there'd be some interaction between them.

I talked to a lawyer who's familiar with these issues and made sure my ex had no overnights and no extended custody of our son. The lawyer advised me to document everything, which I did, although in the end my A did not contest the arrangement. I think he was relieved I wasn't trying to make him parent more.

I think the good advice of a lawyer would be important here. But I'm here to say it can be done. I had thought being a single parent of a young child would be tough. It was, but not as tough as living with an active alcoholic.

Taraxacum · Senior Member

thank you Mattie, it was your other comment that got me really thinking about this and examining my own fears. It helps just to write it out and reflect on it. My AH is high functioning and often dry for long stretches. I have no proof of his unsafe behaviors and I fear a judge would not consider them egregious enough to warrant any limits on visitation even if he admitted to them. Part of this is the gas-lighting, AH's denial and his attempts to undermine my sane thinking so he may continue to drink. And part of this is stuff I need to let go of - I can't control him or his drinking, and I definitely can't control his poor parenting either.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Knowing that you have no proof is an honest start on where to start. Honesty with self and others keeps me from trying to be in control and when I try to be in control it is amazing how occluded issues get. Al-Anon is a "me" program (my perspective) to set me right with other people, places and things. If there is a real problem the program also directs me in finding and using the tools and methods in trying to arrange life there without guarantees that it will come out my way. I used this process with my first addict wife and though it wasn't easy and perfect the storms were not so horrendous. Sometimes I did and used strict responses with my addict wife and other times just took a back seat to HP and followed where it was leading. I can tell you that consequences were not and are not to this day was I would have wished for though they are not how bad they could have been. It is never all about me though I is always about God and me. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

littlelionman · Veteran Member

Hi Tara,

I've been separated from my AW for a little over a year. We have joint custody of our two children ages 4 and 2 and spend equal time with them. I had a lot of the same fears as you do, and although I still have some concerns, overall things have been mostly positive. I think the truly surprising thing I've noticed is that now that my ex doesn't have me to depend on, SHE has stepped up her parenting a little bit. Now she cooks for the kids often, bathes them regularly, and does their laundry. She even takes them to the pediatrician half the time now as per my request.

Don't get me wrong, we don't agree on everything and my ex simply can't stand someone disagreeing with her. Not my problem. We agree to disagree sometimes and I'm totally fine with that. Sometimes I see her side of it and agree to see it her way if it's not that important to me. I don't necessarily expect the same courtesy in return because I've accepted that we're different people.

One downside: All of the mundane details of divorce...drafting a legal separation, filing for actual divorce, figuring out how to divide assets, figuring out child custody, etc. all fell to me, but I was willing to do more than my share this one last time because I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I was doing it for me.

Yes my ex plops them in front of the TV more than I'd like and I don't always agree with her parenting style. There are worse things in life and I let it all go. I have a lot to learn about parenting myself so I try to keep the focus on me as I try to become the best version of myself I can for me and my kids. And I hope this never happens, but IF I need to take custody of the kids from her someday for their safety, I'll be ready and able to do so.

I found face to face meetings very supportive during the trying times of my separation, and I hope you do as well if you decide to go that route :)

Taraxacum · Senior Member

Thank you for your replies, I'm feeling much better after sitting with this and thinking it through with everyone's stories in mind. I've shifted my focus back to me, my parenting and my choices moving forward. My concerns about possible dicorce have some validity and they are also my projections not reality. So. . . my reality today is my AH is not an emotionally competent parent and I have been expending my energy trying to compensate and play damage control in ways that aren't healthy. I'm waking up to that and working on changing my behaviors.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Taraxacum - your processing sounds great and you sound more at peace. It's never easy to consider divorce and even more fearful when we have to consider beyond the qualifier. I spent a great deal of time working with my sponsor on my marriage expectations, my fears of separation/divorce, my own fear of parenting alone, detaching from that which I can't control as well as setting up boundaries for self-preservation/protection.

I was able to establish boundaries and detach enough and salvage my marriage. It's not perfect and he's not the man I married. But he has been a good provider, and he is sick. My empathy towards him and my acceptance of the disease allowed me to continue in the relationship and not break up the family. I often have felt like a single parent and had to work through those feelings (which are because of my attitude and my outlook vs. what he's doing/not doing).

My boys love their father and I was willing to go to any lengths to try and keep my family together. It's far from perfect, but one day at a time, it's worked.

So, do as you are - focus on you and what's going to work best for you, your life, your situation and your child. In my world, working this program and releasing my expectations and resentments truly allowed me to be at peace each day. I agree with Jerry too - realizing and admitting that you have no proof is a huge step in working towards what is now and what can be today/tomorrow.

(((Hugs)))

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Sending you a hug tara, alcoholic relationships
are Hard. Keep working on yourself and your
Answers will come. Mine did, i didnt like them,
no children though.

Sometimes that is just life, i was much stronger
after enough alanon under my belt To emotionally
deal with the fall out of my Marriage.

(((((( Tara ))))))

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I separated from my exAH when my youngest was maybe 2 years old. Both my children are doing very well, when we first left they saw their father half the time, but slowly over the past 5 years it is less and less. Especially since we moved further away 3.5 years ago. My kids are happy to go see him most holidays and 3 day weekends. I was worried at first, but had to do what was best for me and being on my own was the best decision I have ever made. Sending you love and support on your journey!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

My kids are older and 7/12 when the whole thing started .. I do not co-parent with my X he lacks the ability to make good decisions .. he honestly needs someone to tell him what to do. He actually got remarried and that's what keeps him on track.

It has been ugly, drama filled and still not totally done .. we do not co-parent .. I have sole custody. I am not going to argue or explain the decisions I need to make that are best for the kids .. I would be open to listening to him and taking his thoughts as well as concerns into consideration .. he chooses not to have the conversation so that is not on me. He hasn't spoken to the kids since Christmas and an actual phone conversation before that was probably in October of last year. So he doesn't even know what's going on with the kids. I don't know if he could tell you what grades they were in and I doubt he is even aware of the kids extra circular activities. He has been told.

I had most of my anxieties confirmed in terms of he drove in an altered state of mind with the kids in his whiskey truck, .. my daughter picked up the "family" tablet and found porn .. I asked him to take the kids to the Dr and I had to take them after visitation because of his home remedy which I"m sure he did not think of on his own they had bacterial ear infections. I still question his choices .. with good reason as when nothing changes .. nothing changes. He was admitted to a psych ward at one point on a 51/50. There are things that have not been far enough out and his lack of involvement or remorse for that fact tells me that things really have not changed there is just a new bandaide on the sore.

We do not co-parent (obviously .. lol), he didn't take the mandatory parenting class that we needed before getting divorced .. LOL. Oi .. and let's all remember I picked this man. Bless his heart. My only expectation lays with child support and I will have to find a way to manage that expectation .. I'm an odd duck .. yes I will hold him accountable when I have struggled while him and his new wife pull 6 figures .. umm yes .. he can at least participate in the kids financial well being since he can't be there emotionally.

I wish you so much health and well being, having sole custody for me has been the right answer. I have gotten creative in getting breaks and taking care of myself. I find a happy mom means happy kids. I also learned that other people's answers for them were not always mine and I'm way ok with that too. Alanon tools gave me the courage to really reach outside of the box and find out who I am and what works and what I need to work on. Wishing you well on your lifetime journey.

Hugs s :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene