Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Inga · Veteran Member

Women of Long Term Marriages

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Inga I was married for 23 years to my husband who finally attained sobriety, in AA 6 years before he passed (sober) from cancer.

It was a difficult and often very painful road that we traveled.

In the beginning I did not realize what I was dealing with and made all the same mistakes of trying fix myself, and trying to control him, in so doing developing many resentments, much anger, self pity and irrational fear. I tried alanon and thought it was too difficult and that I did not have a problem HE HAD.

He entered at least 10 detoxs and 3 rehabs in the coarse of seeking recovery. We dealt with infidelity and that was when I went back to alanon, willing to try anything in order to relieve my pain.

One time he left the house advising me he was going to kill himself. I called his sponsor and let it go . I did not hear from him again for 3 weeks and then he walked in the door and announced he was going to rehab. I left the marriage because I could not maintain my sanity while living with his disease . I did continue to attend alanon and we reconnected and rebuilt our life and marriage once again The Steps helped me to let go of the past and attempt to go forward. There is hope

Yankeerose · Senior Member

Hi Inga, I have been married to my AH going on 16 years. We have two children ages 13 and 16. My AH started a recovery program 7 months ago. He attends AA almost daily and has a sponsor he speaks to frequently. As far as I can tell he has not had a drink since he entered detox last June. I can usually tell as soon as he opens his mouth if he's been drinking. The memories are still very vivid.

My AH drank when we met but I also drank socially. However, I don't need a drink everyday and he did. It got progressively worse each year. The money was dwindelling away. He could not work enough to contribute to the household expenses so we had to sell our home and rent a condo. I worked 2 jobs for 5 years to try to keep us afloat. That is the point AH decided to seek help for his alcoholism. He was 51 years old at the time. This is his third attempt at recovery. This time he really wanted it. The other two times he was forced into it so he relapsed soon after.

I do not ever want to go back to the way it was when he was drinking. I don't know anyone who would. Now that I have gotten a taste of living with a sober mate I don't think I can. But we take it one day at a time. My AH was never physically abusive to me or the kids--he was basically non-existent. We did things alone--the three of us. We ate dinner alone while he stayed at friends or the bar drinking. I got so sick of it after 10 years I did seek affection from other men. I had horrible coping tools until I found the AlAnon program. As Betty said there is hope. Keep coming back and sharing.

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

Inga: 16 years of marriage. Nearly 2 years of separation. He has been sober for awhile but has relapsed several times. Relapsed so we separated for that period of time. Much better now. He sometimes slips on his program & can be very mean. Me I am responsible for my side of the street. Recovey is now my only option. I can't live in the disease anymore. Kathleen

Inga · Veteran Member

Sorry I didn't mean "stupid" boyfriends exactly, but somewhat. As if you are suffering you have no commitment, like people who are married have. We swore under God we would be faithful through richer poorer, sickness and heath, to death do we part. This is mighty serious. This is why my post.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

It is not necessary to feel bad about your choice of words Inga We do understand

Inga · Veteran Member

Hi dear friends, Betty, Yankeerose, Hoot nanny, etc. and others.

Thank you so much for sharing your stories with me. I think it's much different we women who are married than ones who are not. They can just walk way without the commitment they made under God's eyes. And in view, Gods eyes are there, making commitment under God is serious, and to be taken seriously. We say the words before God, "for richer for poorer, in sickness and in heath, for better for worse, till death do we part". These are our proclamations we made to almighty God, under God's eyes. Thank you my women friends for writing.

I am having a very hard time here. Pray for me.

Inga · Veteran Member

Hi Kathleen: I cannot either. I am so done. I pray daily for God to get me out of a marriage that is one sided. You see, we make our vows. Yes. But two people have to be in them. This I have learned. God Bless You Kathleen. Please write me with more of your story. I would love to hear it!

Inga · Veteran Member

Hi beautiful Rosanne! Thank you for sharing! You look just like my niece! I wish you all happiness my dear. God Bless You!

Love,

Inga\xoxoxo

Inga · Veteran Member

Hi Betty! Thank you so much for sharing dear one. I hear you. I am having a hard time maintaining my sanity being married to my abusive AH. I want to get out.

He is horrible, verbally abusive and his family is too! My family is loving and supportive, yet I cannot live with anybody, just now.

I am taking it one day at a time.

Thank you so much Betty!

Yankeerose · Senior Member

I was brought up Catholic Inga so I do understand the vows for richer for poorer in sickness and in health but I honestly felt my AH did not love me the way he was acting. He certainly did not hold up his end of the vows "to love and to cherish." I in no way felt cherished by him. So my point being an alcoholic marriage is just not the norm.

At the time I did not believe alcoholism was a disease. I thought he was making a conscious choice to drink and hurt us. So I wanted to hurt him back. My way of thinking got so sick. But it was because I was living in a sick environment.

I would never judge anyone for wanting out of their alcoholic marriage. I myself have contacted an attorney right after my daughter's birth to see what my options were. Being hormonal and just home from the hospital with an infant and toddler to care for, AH decided instead of staying with his wife to help with the children he would go on a fishing boat for the day with friends. This is the type of thing I would deal with for years. My father had to come help me. How angry I was!

Inga · Veteran Member

Hi beautiful Rosanne! How awful! How are you now?????

Inga · Veteran Member

I was not a Catholic when I married, rather a convert. (Best thing I ever did in my entire life...;.another story). But I never felt/nor do I now feel cherished by my h. He is sick, mean, nasty, unfaithful, etc. He knows not love, or anything related to it. I so want to exit. Just waiting upon the Lord to get me out. He drinks daily and has no regard for it, or our family. Has been fired from every job, gotten reckless driving tickets, etc. I am so done. But I am trapped. After trying to raise yr kids with this disfuntion.........being the best mom I could, I have had it. I am now 60 years young. I think it's not until our elderly parents are in heaven that I can do anything. So in the meantime, I go to Al-anon, (just discovered) try to work on healthy self-help, and etc. I so appreciate everyone here! Thank you! Please pray for me.

Love,

Inga

-- Edited by Inga on Sunday 24th of January 2016 06:05:16 PM

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Inga - I've been married soon 25 years. I met him in recovery (AA) and we dated for 2-3 years before we married (5-6 years sober each of us).

He relapsed between the birth of my 2 boys, who are 23 and 21.

I am short on time with some family issues, but if you search around here on MIP you will find many stories from members with long-term marriages/relationships/children.

Each journey is different and each situation personal. What Al-Anon tells us is to keep the focus on ourselves. When I sit here and tell you all the horrible, no-good, terrible, silly, drunken things my AH has done, I am not healing myself - instead I am justifying my own actions and my resentments. I lived like this forever and a day - looking outside myself for everything that was wrong with my life, my marriage, my family, etc.

So - if you're looking for many who share details about their spouse or SO (Significant Other), that may be lacking. And that's because we work really hard to stay focused on ourselves. I am Catholic as well, I take my vows seriously. I stay because I chose to. I stay because I can. I stay because I have learned to let him be who he is and I've grown into a better person than I used to be.

Prayers for peace for you - my experience is it will come much easier and much faster if you keep your focus on what you are doing and what is good vs. what he is/is not doing.

Yankeerose · Senior Member

I would like to say I am much stronger now but I have my moments. AH is a totally different person without alcohol although he still has some selfish ways that continue to irk me. For example his line of work is not steady. He can make money for 2 months and then nothing for the next 2. Instead of going out and looking for a steady job he will go hunting. But I let him know about it.

7 months is still not very long to be sober so I have to remember he is learning a new way of life too. It's progress not perfection that I need to remind myself--for both of us. I must say things are 99 percent better minus the alcohol. He comes home every day, is more considerate and affectionate and we can actually have a decent conversation. At times I feel like pinching myself to make sure it's not a dream. However, relapse is always in the back of my mind because I know that it happens.

It sounds like your AH may be in denial. Does he admit he has a drinking problem? My AH always admitted he did but he was so afraid to stop. He said he did not drink to get drunk, he drank to feel better. Hang in there we are all here for you!

Of Mice and Men · Newbie

Hello Inga,

I'm not sure how much insight I have--I'm just now sticking my toe into the alanon waters so to speak, but your invitation to share spoke to me, so here goes.

I have been married to my AH for 19 years tomorrow. We started dating when I was about 17, and family members expressed to me concerns even then--but what 17 year old in love listens to anyone? Which is not to say that we haven't had some really amazing years. He is the best friend I've ever had, we have 3 children, he's a successful executive, and he has been incredibly supportive of my goals (I am currently in a very demanding, time consuming PhD program).

I suppose those things are why it always feels like a betrayal to tell people there is a problem. Even as I write this and try to put into words what the problems are...I struggle to describe them and I feel si. I just know that the strain of relocating for my schooling has removed some blinders from eyes and I can finally see how this disease breeds constant chaos. And as our oldest prepares to graduate high school and leave the nest, I see the damage that has been done to her, and our other children. I am still very much in love with him and he desperately wants to save our marriage. I just don't think he is ready to be sober, and I don't know if there's a level of chaos that I am willing to tolerate in order to be with him. And being in that place of not knowing is excruciating at times because I am still trying to control everything because if I'm spending all my energy trying to fix things, then I don't have to sit with the fear of knowing that I can't. And the idea that we may not make it literally takes my breath away.

pjwa12726 · Veteran Member

Hello Inga,
I met my AH when I was 17. We married after college which was over 35 years ago. He was a high functioning A with a great job and career. I think that in my mind I married for life and I still love him. I tried and did all the things that al-anon advises against. Nothing worked. I entered al-anon when I was at my lowest point. So there was no where to go but up, however I do waffle back and forth often. It is not an easy journey. My parents are gone and I still have our children and grandchildren but it is incredibly sad... or that is how I feel today...

Keep coming back to Al-anon... it works if you work it...

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Of Mice and Men -

Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared!

Keep coming back!!

YARNCRAZY · Senior Member

married 24 years until 2 months ago when i left. miserable i was, domestic violence, numerous financial and emotional costs etc lost who i was.
Sooooo happy now even an old boyfriend who is booze free came back

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Is this the attitude of the board in general, that if you are not married "as if you are suffering"? I'm astounded this wasn't brought to my attention sooner. Wow.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

missmeliss wrote:
Is this the attitude of the board in general, that if you are not married "as if you are suffering"? I'm astounded this wasn't brought to my attention sooner. Wow.

No.....not at all. Love is love is love is love to me. The OP is new and is making a judgment that I don't agree with. It is never easy to let go of a loved one, not matter if they are spouse, SO, son, daughter, friend, uncle, aunt, etc.

I thought about it before responding as I didn't agree with the views of the OP. But, then I put principles above personalities and decided I would share my ESH.

(((Mell))) - I love you and know your experience is as important/real as mine!!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

If I was a newcomer who had come to MIP to seek help in my relationship with an alcoholic and read these rude and nasty comments and observed that all of the responses were seemingly quite OK with it and in agreement I would not be back here again and might steer clear of al-anon altogether if it was my first al-anon experience, as it is for many.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Ms.M. I do not believe that this is the attitude. Please remember that the opinions expressed are simply those of the person who shared them- Take what you like and leave the rest.

I believe the attitude of the Board and alanon in general is that if you are in a relationship with an alcoholic you are experiencing pain , fear anxiety and need support. Tradition #3 points out that the only requirement for membership in Alanon is that there is a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.
I believe that being married to the alcoholic simply adds a "Legal " dimension to the difficulty in separating not in the level of pain,anxiety or fear.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for clarifying your positions. I believe as probably half of the people that come here looking for help are NOT married it would be very unfortunate for it to seem that this "group" was considered unimportant or in a less legitimate need of support and felt it very important to speak up accordingly.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree and am glad that you expressed your concerns. I am happy that you are here and keep coming back .

Yankeerose · Senior Member

MissMeliss,

I relate to members' shares whether they are married or not. The similarities in alcoholic relationships are many. The marriage license may make it more difficult to end the relationship from a legal point of view, but I was head over heels for my AH the day we met so I would've had a very hard time just walking away. Which is why I didn't. The problems with alcohol started early on so I was in turmoil then just as I am now.

I in no way would ever mean to insinuate someone's relationship was insignificant just because they aren't married. I certainly don't blame you for being offended.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I hear you mel...until a few years ago I could not get married period...many invalidated my relationships. Didn't think a man could be so confused and hurt in a relationship with another man. The whole alanon thing has taught me some about walking in other's shoes...

-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 24th of January 2016 09:30:03 PM

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I find that often new members spend time still focused on the A which is not what Al-Anon is about.

When I respond, I try to suggest that we're about keeping the focus on ourselves vs. them. Some learn faster than others. Those who truly want recovery tend to learn this and their posts change. Those who just want to blame others for where they are don't, and usually stop posting.

I love how Betty said it - we are for and about helping everyone touched by the disease. Being married does add a layer of legal complexity, but that doesn't make the experience different.

I too am glad you shared your concerns and am hopeful that we can continue to work to redirect newer members to working on themselves instead of focusing/blaming the alcoholic. If it were that easy, we wouldn't need each other. We are here because we are affected negatively by the disease. We are here because we want to find peace in our lives no matter what others are doing/are not doing.

I have to watch how easily I can be offended though as the other side of this disease tells me, 'it's all about me...." Like all areas of my life, if I apply the principles I am learning, I can get past it. I do understand why you responded though Mel!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

If it were only personal offence I would have kept it to myself tbh. Concern for newcomers potentially feeling invalidated and missing the opportunity for help prompted me to comment. I also think respect and kindness are important here as they are anywhere but perhaps more so in an environment where people have often been abused or mistreated and feel uncertain about sharing or doubt the validity of their own experiences. That's a big hurdle for a lot of people and I don't like to see any unnecessary obstacles placed in the way.

Personally I was married to an addict I was with for just under a decade, and for me, my non married relationship with my abf has been far more difficult and painful than the marriage was, legal or not, not only emotionally but legally, financially, you name it. Addicts and codependents find ways of emeshing each other into relationships whether married or not and just as Mr Pink suggests, you really can't know what it is like to walk in another's shoes.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 25th of January 2016 02:05:38 PM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the one issue people who are formally married can have, that those who are not escape, is the marriage vows, which some religious authorities hold to mean "We must stay in a household with our spouse and be loving and intimate with them no matter what happens, because we made a vow to do that before God." So I've known people who were reluctant to leave their spouses who had become violently psychotic, because they had made that promise. And I've certainly seen my share of religious authorities - preachers and priests - who have told spouses, "It would be a sin to leave this person, you need to be more understanding, you can love him back to sobriety."

That's a burden which I never personally felt. I felt that I had made promises, but the marriage had dissolved in all but name by his lying, stealing, spending our money compulsively and driving us into debt, and the many other things he did that people in a loving, committed partnership would not do. In my view, he had wrecked the marriage, and for a long time I was trying to keep it together single-handed, but eventually I came to acknowledge reality. The marriage was a legal fact, but not there in any genuine sense. As all of us know, we who are with an alcoholic try anything to get them to stop drinking - to save our relationship. We go the extra mile and then a hundred extra miles. My marriage didn't fail for lack of me trying. But a marriage is about two people, and there was really only one of us in the marriage.

But I can see why people who regard themselves as having promised to "stay married, absolutely no matter what happens," that is an extra hurdle. I myself, as I've said, don't interpret the vows quite that way. But one thing is that even for someone who does, I don't think a marriage has to consist of staying in the same house to endure abuse. You can separate gently without getting a divorce. In past centuries, when divorce was almost unknown, this is how people handled it. You can "love and cherish" from afar, and indeed in some cases, that's the only way to love and cherish - up close is too much of a nightmare.

I think the wording of the initial post was a little unfortunate, and I hope any newcomers who come across it will continue to read and find how we discuss these things - the truth about something often takes a while to work around to.

MollyOwl27 · Member

New to the forums but am SO happy to have found them, glad to be on board. I've been mourning the loss of the relationship I've always wanted in these past few days and it's a good time to reach out a share. I've been married 7 years, no kids, but recovering from serious financial codependency at this point. DH is functional to the extent of going to work and doing well there, but he drinks heavily. No overt abuse, just plenty of criticism and general over-bearingness. He seems expert at riding that fine line of getting away with EVERYTHING he possibly can without "officially" being abusive....though I've grown to see it still is abusive. I'm working on detatchment but some days I just get so sad about the whole thing. Taking it day by day. I'm working on getting my finances together but I think he keeps us in debt to keep me around. So now I have to find a job that not only supports me, but allows me to pay back TONS of debt. Sometimes it feels impossible. We moved to a new town about 5 years ago and its been very difficult to meet people. He only seems to want to befriend addicts and I can't handle being around more of them, so I just isolate. I'm trying to work on my codependency and live my life for me but it is a constant challenge.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Molly Thanka for connecting and sharing with such honesty and clarity. Alanon face to face meetings held in most communities do offer a place to connect with others who understand as few others can, as well as new and constructive tools to live by. You are not alone and there is hope.
Please do keep coming back

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Molly and welcome to MIP! Glad you found us and glad you shared. The meetings Betty mentions above will certainly help break the isolation as well as joining us here on the discussion boards. There is no better welcome than those of us who understand what you are feeling and have had similar experiences with the disease and the diseased.

Keep coming back - you are not alone and we're just a post away!

MollyOwl27 · Member

Thanks so much Iamhere and hotrod, I will seek out local meetings/online options and I appreciate the warm greeting. I also very much appreciate the differentiation between AA and alanon. I had NO idea they were aimed at different people.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

You're in the right place and I'm glad you found us. Through my years of Alanon, I have met some women who stayed in their long-term marriages, working a solid Alanon program. I was married to an active AH for 20 years, and now divorced for about 10 years. Our daughter is now in her 20s. I can say many things that were already posted by others. For me, there were difficult challenges whether I stayed or left the marriage. In my case, the horrific trouble of the disease even followed me post-divorce.

I chose the nick "bud" because I saw a saying that said "...And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." I remained as a tight bud long after the typical bloom time... I'm a very late bloomer, indeed!

Working the 12 steps and using the tools of Alanon has helped me overcome my overwhelm even when I didn't think it was possible.

blindsided · Veteran Member

I have been married to my AH for 17 years. When we got married, I didn't really see him as an alcoholic (blindsided). After we were married he would stop at a bar on his way home from work and drink and come home hours later. Three years ago, he got fired from his job after 29 years. Ever since then, he has been drinking from the minute he gets up to the minute he goes to bed. I have done everything to get him to stop. I go to f2f Al-Anon meetings when I can and have met some great people and realize I am not alone in this situation. Lately, he has gotten even worse. I have not spoken to him in days because I am sick of his drinking and am disgusted with his habits and sick of cleaning up after him. If I had a place to go or the money to move, I think this time I really would leave. His family is no help to me. They are in denial and think that I am here to take care of him so they go on about their lives. I wish I never married him. Luckily, we have no children, although he has a son from his first marriage and 2 grandchildren. I really don't know where to turn right now. I wish I could have a normal conversation with somebody. I haven't had one with him in a long, long time. Lately he snaps at me if I say anything or he disagrees with me, so I guess I feel better that I am not speaking to him right now. He is in the house 24/7 drinking and I try to get out for an hour a day to get away from it, which helps. I'll try to get to my Al-Anon meeting this week if weather is okay. Also, I just lost a sister, who was a prescription drug addict, which is tormenting me. Thanks for listening.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Blindsided. I am sorry to read of the loss of your sister as well as the increased difficulties you are experiencing with the disease of alcoholism.
I am happy you have found alanon and are attending face to face meetings. When I first discovered that I was powerless over people,places and things , that I did not cause the disease, could not cure it and could not control it I made a special effort to learn how to change myself, my reactions, my attitudes so I could regain my sanity and peace.
We have on line meetings here 2xs a day and a 24 hour chat room available. If you are feeling trapped please join us

meetinginfo.activeboard.com/

Morning Meetings

Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST

Sat. - Sun at 10am EST

Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.

Night Meetings

Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time

Sunday 7PM eastern time

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP blindsided! So glad you found us and joined us. I too am sorry to hear about the loss of your sister. Addiction (alcohol or other substances) is a dreadful, powerful disease and it knows no limits. I am glad to hear that you are going to F2F local meetings (Face to Face) - I am sure that helps you isolate less. I found it very hopeful to know I was not alone and there was others who could listen without judgement and share their ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with me so I could see healing in progress.

If interested, we also have just started our online Step Study. If you look to the top of the page, right side, you'll see a link to it. You will have to register again, but can use the same username/password if that's easiest. Betty (hotrod) posts a new step for us every 2 weeks, and we share our ESH, Stories, etc.

Sorry also about your current situation. Alcoholism is a disease that tends to affect most who love/live with an alcoholic. As best you can, try to be gentle with you, focus on you and do for you! There is hope in Al-Anon, and it's given me a life I didn't think possible.

Keep coming back! We're usually just a post away!

Inga · Veteran Member

Hi blindsided! You can talk to me anytime! Or feel free to PM me if you want. I am new to Al-anon and just beginning to see how it works. Sometimes we need to vent. We can't always have all the tools all the time can we? We have horrible circumstances! I hear you, My AH drinks daily and I have come to know I can't even talk to him lately or he jumps down my throat with verbal assaults. I am learning detachment. And to be happy I guess no matter what he chooses to do.

Inga~ I wish you well!

Inga · Veteran Member

Thank you Mattie! Your post is right-on. There ARE many differences for we women of long term marriages than others. That's why I posted it. And it's not all religious but that is part of it, a huge part for me. I think at this point I am learning that a "marriage" means two. I was the only one really in it, and the only who's been in it for the past 10 years now, out of 28 or so. I have got to learn to be a separate person. In marriage "two become one flesh". That is how it is, like it or not, this is the mystery of marriage! It makes it that much harder!!!!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene