The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know what to do or where to turn anymore. I am a mother of 3 little girls and another one on the way. I home school my children and do not work. My husband of 7 years is an alcoholic mostly at night during weekdays and starts drinking in the noon on weekends, maybe once in a while he will have a day here and there sober. He has hides alcohol, lies, makes excuses, and spends our last dollar on drinks. We don't have much money and can barely pay the bills when he spends 200 a month on getting drunk. He has told me that he will start drinking less since now he can buy marijuana (we live in WA). But he hasn't really slowed down.. He never wants to be sober either high or drunk. He has for about 2 years now been starting to become an angry and verbally abusive to me and to my children. When he is sober he is a good father but his patience is wearing thin lately. I have left him twice in the 7 years and he has been to rehab and AA. Everyone in my family thinks hes doing better because I am ashamed to let them know, So, I have no one to go to... I am resentful, I am starting to hate him, I am tired, I am scared, sad, lonely and Isolated since we never get out of the house and I cant even drive because he spent all the money we were saving for getting my new drivers license, which it is expensive where I live... He never wants to take us out as a family either. I am trying so hard to stay strong for my girls... This is not the life my children deserve...I want to so bad, so bad to leave. But, I cant leave.. My reasons is because I home school my children and I want to keep it that way and I don't even know if I can even get a job while taking care of 4 children plus home school and also I am scared he might hurt or kill himself, He has depression issues and has threaten it before... I am feel like a failure as a mother and I feel I failed my husband because I couldn't fix his addiction... So I guess why I am telling you this is, maybe advice, reassurance?.. I don't know.....
-- Edited by Smama on Sunday 29th of November 2015 02:39:43 AM
Welcome smom, I am so pleased that you reached out and shared with such clarity and honesty . I can so identify with life you describe and know the frustration, loneliness and fear that it generates.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. You did no cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. Living with the insanity of the disease we, the family members become adversely affected and need a program of recovery of our own.
Alanon is that program. It is here I learned how to break the terrible isolation caused by the disease by attending face to face meeting held in most communities. Not only did I receive the support of those who understood as few others can, I was also given positive tools to live by a. My self esteem soared and I was restored to sanity.
You certainly sound like a busy women so that if you cannot attend face to face meeting you could check out our on line ones held here 2xs a day
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
Night Meetings
Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time
Sunday 7PM eastern time
Each Thursday night at 9PM EST, we will be having a Step/Tradition Meeting to help new people get to know and understand how to work the 12 steps. After going through one Step per week, and getting through the 12 of them, we then start a Tradition a week on this same night.
I was sort of in your position. I homeschooled my son until he was 16, just this past year, and now we do part homeschool and part private school since I had to go back to work. I know how scary it is to be dependent on someone who is spiraling out of control and I have to tell you that I now regret not working at all for those 16 years.
Here's what I did do that helped me get my bearings, before I decided to leave my marriage. I got a credit card in my name only and started using it to establish credit in my name. I told my XAH at the time that I wanted to do this because a friend of mine (a homeschooling mom) lost her husband in a tragic accident and she had no credit, no job, nothing saved in her name only, etc and she suffered financially because of this as well as trying to cope with her husband's death. Life is going to throw us curve balls so I decided I should at least take some measures to be prepared. We set up wills, we established power of attorney, we set up a bank account just in my name, etc.
Then, I hung in there for a few more years just focusing on my son and homeschooling him and managing the house and his schedule. I let my XAH spiral. We had the DUI, the jail time, the denial, the continued drinking, etc. You get the picture but I still stayed. I networked with other homeschool parents and put a bug in their ear that I might need their help in the future to get my son to the homeschool co-op in the future. I networked with neighbors and asked them to watch out for my house and my XAH when I traveled. I got heavy into Al Anon and found some strength to get my life organized in such a way that I wasn't going to be afraid of the future.
Hugs to you today. Please keep coming back. You are not alone.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Smama - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad you shared.
So sorry for the situation you find yourself in. The first thing I heard when I arrived at Al-Anon was the 3 Cs.....these helped me realize it was way beyond my control/power and gave me the ability to breathe!! The 3 Cs are: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it.
The online meetings here are great and many attend most days. If you arrive late, it's OK. If you need to leave early, it's OK. If you don't share, that's OK. It's all good and it's a great bunch. Al-Anon will help you understand more about the disease and it's affects on the whole family and those who live with or love an alcoholic.
Keep coming back - you're worth it!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Smama...you are qualified to be here and in the Al-Anon Family Groups. If you take the time to scroll back in time here at the other newcomers who told their stories you will feel the similarities. You're qualified sadly. No one wishes the disease on anyone else however it is what it is and the reality is most likely you're in it. This disease is progressive...it never gets better always gets worse. Try following up on some of the suggestions you read hear like the meetings Betty posted. Check into the literature we use and there is no such thing as a stupid question....ask away and you will find help. All of us to some degree or other have been where you are at now...it sucks.
Keep an I on the rise of abusive behavior cause that is a big part of alcoholism. You'll need stronger tools and many more. I'm in support with the rest of the family.
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 30th of November 2015 12:15:43 AM
Thank you all. I am most definitely going to check out the online meetings. It's comforting and sad to know I am not alone. Andromeda, you gave me some good advice and I think I am going to try and do the same. Need to be prepared for anything to come our way. My kids need to become my number one priority right now since there is nothing I can do for my husband unless he makes that choice. It is very hard because we have been together since we were 19 so about 10 years now. I guess I need to start focusing on me and the kids and start planning ahead... Thank you all
