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Post Info TOPIC: please help


Senior Member

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please help


Its midnight. I just had a very disturbing phone call from my husband last affair of two.years of which i found out about a month ago. We have been working with a mediator to avoid a drawn out ugly battle. . He claims of course he will change. . Not a chance. This woman, who was a family friend( who has been having drunken sex with my ah for 2yrs) just called to say she felt i shoukd know that things are far worse than i know. That husb is at a swinger party. .Apparently started with her but now she wants to.leave and he doesnt and she decided i should know the rest of the truth. Im scared out of my.mind. Ive been listening to.this man sob and cry and beg forgiveness. Claiming to.take our daughter to church tomiroow while i move out some things. .All while insisting on 50/50 custody. Im sick. I cant live in this house. I cant stay here. . Ive heard he is into.drugs too but he has a squeaky clean record and judges "like 50/50 and i will hard time fighting. Do i confront him with this information. . Do i say no to mediation and hire a lawyer. How do.i safely get out of the house withy child and belongings while doing those things? I have an 11 yr old daughter to think of. . Dear God how do i do this. .

btw he will.if course deny everything. How do.i retain a lawyer but get my daughter and myself out if the hoyse first. .



-- Edited by Theoceancalls on Sunday 29th of November 2015 12:35:42 AM

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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.



~*Service Worker*~

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Can you get this woman to document what she told you and then sign it? Can you make copies of it to distribute to the judge and the lawyers and whoever else is involved?  Fear us a great motivator in getting us to stop and go hide and then do nothing.  That is what it did and sometimes still does with me.  Do you have Al-Anon tools...the literature and a sponsor and fellowship outside of MIP that is close to you?  Those tools help a lot.  (((hugs)))  smile



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Senior Member

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Jerry, yes.  I have a sponsor. I just texted the woman and asked her for that very documentation. Im terrified for what he is pulling over on me. . And just sick. How did this become my.life. .



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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.



~*Service Worker*~

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Sister the truth is that he hasn't pulled it over on you...he's found out and now he knows, you know, they know...what's he gonna do?   I know it sounds trite however you don't have to take this personally...this is his deal, his choice and his consequences...you don't have to make it right for him...just yourself.  Its going to take a while and we will be partners with you for a while and then ...OH Well, it is what it is and it's only temporary, you'll come out the miracle.   (((((hugs))))) smile



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Senior Member

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I wish I had anything helpful to offer but I don't... except for walking the path alongside you. I left the house when I couldn't take the verbal abuse and lying/sneaking any more. I did not take my 10 and 12 year olds for a few reasons, but one was that a friend had done so, without filing for temp custody, and it messed her up... she lost custody for a short while, and had to have a psych evaluation along with her truly crazy ex. She now has primary custody but it was pretty bad for awhile. For me, now my AH (who does not want a divorce, but continues to sneak drinks and lie - has now been in our family home for 5 months, with the kids more than 50 percent of the time. Not a good precedent for me, if we end up getting divorced, but it was the best I could do, when they want to be in their home, and I started working at the same time, meaning I wasn't home when they got off school, and was so drained by everything g changing at once. One option for you could be - not knowing laws in your state/country - to get a lawyer and file for temp custody. I agree with Jerry - you need to do what is best for you. It is admirable to try to go through this with a mediator, staying in the house, but... he is not equally participating in your attempts to keep it mellow. He is ALL WORDS just like my AH, but their actions speak louder. Please proceed cautiously, but take care of yourself. Your daughter needs a mama who is taking care of herself. Hang in there.

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~*Service Worker*~

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(TOC)) You are doing well You have processed the information and are taking constructive actions to protect yourself and child so as to take yourself out of the home. You did suspect additional unacceptable behavior and had the courage to see a doctor and have medical tests run .

This is a new shocker and the GF having the nerve to call you because he would not leave a" swingers" party with her indicates how crazy and bazaar it has become.

You have a plan, work your plan and contact the mediator asap
Positive thoughts on the way

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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I have no advice except to agree with the others. My XAH left his cell phone in a limo while on business in another city and I got a call from the limo company that they had his phone. Turns out they picked him up at a sex club. I understand your fears and reservations. I didn't leave right then and there, I just tucked away the information as further fuel to propel me to get my crap together and to get ready to leave. It really did become: He's going to do what he's going to do and he's going to fight me for custody, too.....but the question was: What am I going to do now that I know?

At that point (this was July 2014, by the way so it was relatively recent) I was already planning on leaving. I just knew I had to time it right. Every word he said to try to get me to see things his way went over my head and never made it past my ears. I heard him but I had blocked out anything he said as ever being truth. I knew my truth and it didn't jive with his. I needed to protect my son and myself, but I also knew I had time.

As for the mediator stuff: I wish I had used a lawyer and not a mediator, but hindsight is 20/20. If my son had been younger I definitely would have used a lawyer but my son is now 17 and so close to emancipation that I didn't want to spend the time or the money on a court battle. Every situation is different, though.

Honestly, I know you think a swingers party is a big deal but he really didn't do this TO YOU. I had to learn to not take things personally.
Dear TOC, I want you to know that I was where you are a year ago. I was living in the spare bedroom of our home. I hadn't had sexual relations with my XAH for 3 years. He had a DUI under his belt, had been in jail, was going to strip clubs and sex clubs, was hiding his drinking, lying about where he had been, crashing on his mountain bike drunk, lied to a judge and blamed ME for the BAC reading on his interlock (breathalyzer) in his car when he tried to start it two nights in one week and blew twice the legal limit. I could go on.

My point is this:this is a man in his 40s who picked up the drinking after 15 years of being dry. This was all new to me and I had to work very hard to come into reality and realize that it wasn't personal. This had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the disease of alcoholism.

Last year, my holidays sucked and I was counting down the days until I was going to move out. I wanted to wait until the holidays were over because I wanted to be nice to my XAH. He was/is a sick man, but I felt that I shouldn't be that cruel so I suffered through a terrible holiday season but tried to make the best of it for our son.

Anyway, I look at my life today and I am beyond blissful. Life is 90% peaceful and serene. The 10% that is NOT peaceful and serene is when I have to deal with my XAH over money stuff, listen to my son tell me how he couldn't' get his passed out dad off the toilet, etc. But, I am in a very different place today than I was a year ago. Ask anyone here on these boards about just how far I've come. Your life is constantly evolving. It will change, that's just what happens because it's never constant. Hold on to hope that things will get better. It may not get better right away, but by this time next year you could be in a beautiful place both emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Honestly, if anyone here had told me at this time last year that I'd be working full time (I figured I wasn't employable for anything other than being a Walmart greeter), still able to homeschool my son for a few classes, living in a beautiful rental home in a community with my favorite hiking trails, that I'd have my divorce finalized and over with, that I'd be healthy enough to be in a relationship with a man who is NOT an addict or alcoholic and who is so very good to me, and that I'd be taking care of myself and my recovery so well.....I'd have had them committed to an insane asylum. Because, there was no way that was even within my vision of where my life could be.

Please hold onto those possibilities. Sending you love and hugs and support today.



-- Edited by andromeda on Sunday 29th of November 2015 09:28:13 AM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Wow, that must have hurt. I'm so sorry TOC.
But a double wow - because you can sure use your anger. As Jerry says the consequences belong to your husband and so far he has had it fairly easy. It is time to stop trying to keep his peace for him. You can reclaim your life and your daughter's life. Even if your husband wants to deny what you are being told, it doesn't mean that you need to keep it a secret that you have been told this nonsense and by whom.
I agree with Hotrod - tell the mediator and then review the discussion of terms to make sure that they fall for the best for you and for your daughter.
You deserve to have this dealt with quickly by professionals, for the good of you and your daughter.
Sending huge (((((((hugs)))))))

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Senior Member

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My old plan is to call a lawyer on monday. .My fear is that if i start to back.peddle on the custody he will stop "cooperating". .ive been told before my state prefers 50/50 and if he wants it and has no criminal record he gets it unless lawyers insist on an alc eval and tx andvthey have told me most tes they are refused appealed and very costly and emotionally draining. So my plan is to ask if i agree to 50/50. .can it be modified thru family court if need be. Im also asking whimen during this process i can legally move out. Even.the best case scenario its 4-6 weeks. .But i CANT stay here that long. .



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Senior Member

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you are my role model. I totally hope to be where u are 1yr from now[or sooner] I am especially encouraged by the thought u said that u thought u were only suited to be a Wallmart greeter and now have a decent job. I feel like that[ only suited to be a greeter]



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ALYCE R KINIKIN


~*Service Worker*~

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I like your plan TOC You are correct staying there for 4-6 weeks would be impossible. Keep listening to the small voice within and sharing here You are not alone.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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TOC - prayers for you to find your peace and your truth. In my experience, when I stopped reacting and starting working the program, most of the chaos/drama stopped. It took restraint, a good sponsor and tons of meetings, but it got better quite quickly when I used the program tools.

Many here can relate to the insanity you are sharing. Many here can relate to your pain. Where the program is so helpful is if nothing changes, nothing changes. That middle of the night phone call you got? I got a few of those until someone suggested to me that I had a right to turn my phone off during sleep and that I also had a choice to not answer it.

If you are both in agreement on the custody of your child, no court, lawyer, mediator or other can make you stay there. Nothing keeps you there. You are free to leave at any time and go to a shelter, a friends, etc. You don't have to be held hostage to the situation until it's settled - you can also have him removed. If you are seeing a lawyer on Monday, you can ask for an immediate separation agreement, and he can be out the same day (or you can).

My best suggestion for you is to make a list of all the things that are keeping you there for the lawyer. Get specific answers to all your questions so you can make informed decisions. Based on the state of things, I suggest they be written - it helps me stay focused in emotionally charged situations. You owe it to yourself and your child to get things peaceful and stable as soon as possible. Staying there isn't good for any of you....

Have you been going to meetings? Local support from others who've been in your shoes would be so helpful right now....(((Hugs)))

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

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You are all truly amazing. Today i moved enough of my stuff to.my friends to.makeit quite homey. I need to.clarifu when.ican go and then pray my daughter comes around. She sees me as leaving so.its my fault yetshes seen her fatherdrunk hungover and weekend of missings. She is insightfiul enough to know the relationship with said neighbor friends was wrong. But still i am.disrupting her world.
Yes last nights call form.HER was a hard hit but amazingly,they both prooved themselves wo me saying a word. She called tonight he refused the 'psychos' call yet i found text messages from last night. .She clearly calledc me to get this attention. And he knows she called me. . She told him and i did. .Not giving details. On top of that i saw six more email correspondences. . He was planning to pay for her propane for the winter months. . Probably still will despite their spat last night. Makes me sick. He is begging me to stay, wanting me to carry his ins by getting a legal sep not divorce and yet he was planming to oay her prpane bill Monday. The deceit is amazing. I feel worse for my daughter and hope that although i agree to 50/50 its no time before he back peddles there too. Be thinking if me wed as we go to mediation. We have three issues to.tackle, oh and the (sorry) stupid dog. . I am going to try REAL hard to not give on that one. .

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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.



Veteran Member

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I hope that you are planning on taking your daughter to your friend's to stay with you. She may not be happy but she is a child and when she is an adult she will see what you have done is for her sake. I can't imagine that being in a house alone with an active AF is an option. It is hard enough for an adult to understand the disease and all of its pitfalls let alone a child. Please have a plan in place for consoling for her, poor baby is going to need it. Call and speak to her school's guidance consoler and tell them all of your concerns for her. If they are worth their salt, they will talk to her and help her understand that she is a valuable person and she did not cause this. I have seen way too many children that have endured this exact kind of turmoil and my heart breaks for them.

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Please DO NOT leave your daughter with this man!  I know he is her father and that she is angry, but you must look at it from an outside point of view.  If I were a judge and you told me your story and then said you just left her there to ....whatever, I would seriously consider a couple of things.  1.  Are you telling the truth? 2. If I had proof as as judge that you were telling the truth, then I would wonder how you could possibly leave your female child, who is too young to understand adult situations fully, in a situation with a sexually deviant, drunken sot....father or not.  I, as a judge, would insist on a psychological evaluation of all persons involved, a thorough investigation of your child's behavior and a determination by a subject matter expert to whether or not her "placement" would be best with either parent, and I would immediately appoint a guardianadlitem for your child. Believe me when I say things can be extremely expensive.

Please know that I do believe you completely and that I am not a judge, but I have spent many years in a court room and have seen this type of thing backfire too many times.

My sister-in-law went through years of hell in the court systems because of the way she handled things.  Her daughter had made some statements of an insestual nature, which she reported.  Unfortunately she did not handle things the way the judge thought she should have.  So, he ended up giving joint custody and unsupervised visitation to the father.  She felt the only way to protect her child was to stop the divorce, which had been dragging along for over two years (almost three) and allowed him to move back in "as a family".  I feel horrible for her, but I understand why she did what she felt was best.

I am NOT saying this is best for you in any way or even a comparable situation.  It is only an example of what can happen if a judge does not believe the motives of a person are pure and honest.  I truly pray that you and you daughter get to a more healthy living environment and get there soon. I am concerned for both of you more and more each day.

I pray you find peace and happiness for your child and yourself and will keep you in my thoughts until you are both safe.

 



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There, but for the Grace of God, go I.



~*Service Worker*~

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I too urge you not to leave your daughter with your A.

It will look very bad in court - as if either he is not an A (or why would you leave her there with him?) or you are an irresponsible mother (because only an irresponsible mother would take that risk with her child).  I agree that that is what a judge would think.

If you do leave her there with him, there are two big risks.  One is that he will leave her alone while he goes out drinking and on his sexual pursuits.  That is not a safe environment for a child.  What if someone predatory came to the door?  Would she know not to open it even if threatened?  Would she know how to call 911?  Are you sure?

The second is that he would bring back his new sexual partner to the house (this is pretty certain, in my book).  Or if he's in the "swinging" scene, he could bring back multiple sexual partners at the same time.  Is this what you want your daughter exposed to?

She is angry because her world is falling apart.  But she is still a child.  Please do your best to take good care of her and yourself.



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