The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband had bypass surgery almost two years ago. While recovering he started playing slots online. I didn't even know he was doing it until the bank called about something. When I looked at our bank account, I could not believe the damage he has caused. I brought it to his attention and he said it was nothing serious, but then I showed him the print out. He of course started saying that he earned the money he can do what he wants with it. We had a few joint bank accounts and he was the one in charge of paying the bills, etc. I never needed to look at our statements as he was always a reliable person. He has a good job and never gave me a reason to suspect anything. We have been married almost 21 years.
Once I found out about the gambling, he has pushed me away any and which way he can. Emotionally, detached himself from the family. Last year he said he wanted to quit and deleted the app for about a week. Then he came to me and practically begged to start again and that he would only play no more than $100 a week and only on the week-end. This is from a person who sometimes sent as much as $700 a day to this online place. I knew I shouldn't have said yes, but he is a man and I am not his mother, I knew if I didn't say yes he would find a way to play. Once he started playing again, he lost all control. Before he used to hide in the upstairs bedroom and do it away from my face. Now he was doing it not only in my face, but in front our kids, our friends and family. If we were at a function, he would be there but pretty much a few feet away, sitting by himself and playing. Everyone knows what he is doing but he doesn't care. It was in our face.
I have begged him to stop and get help. We actually went to a gamblers meeting but it was cancelled. He laughed in my face and that night sent the game $300. He will not seek help. He will not speak to clergy or a therapist.
He is cold and distant and basically checked out of our marriage. Two week ago I had enough. We had an argument and he told me he loves me but is not in love with me anymore. The next day he went to see an attorney who I believe told him to take half of our savings out. I know this because he came home and said if you look at our bank account online you will see I took half. I found out that he saw an attorney only because right before he took half the money he took money from the ATM in an area that mostly has attorney offices. He works far from this area so it wasn't hard to guess why he used the ATM there. I told him I know you saw an attorney and he said yes but he doesn't know what to do yet...because it is expensive to get a divorce. He told me again he feels dead inside and has no feeling for me. This is from a man who told me he loves a hundred times a day. Was always kind and there was never a day we didn't have a long hug. For months now he won't even let me hold his hand and if I tried to hug him he would squirm.
The worst thing he did is something so pathetic, I don't know if I could ever forgive him for that one. He implicated our son in something that he himself has done. He didn't feel remorse about it and thought it was funny when he told me about it. Our son was only 12 years old at the time, he is now a teen.
Anyway, he moved out almost two weeks ago. I didn't ask him where he is staying as I don't really care but he lets out little bits of information and I believe he rents a room in some motel that you pay by the week. He comes around almost every evening for a little bit. This kills me because I love him very much and he is not letting me get any kind of peace. He hardly says a word, just sits and smokes and looks at me.
I don't even recognize him anymore. In the last four months or so he lost about 50 pounds. He may or may not be having an affair, I don't even care about that, I just don't see where he would get the money for a woman, gambling and still pay the bills.
I asked him why is he punishing me with his actions and lack of emotions, feelings and he said he thinks he is punishing himself.
I don't know what will happen. I haven't eaten in almost two weeks and can't sleep. I have been surviving on grapes as that is the only food I can keep down.
At this point, he is so cold and distant, I don't think he is coming back. Before he left, he used to speak to our younger son, who is now a teen, a couple times a day on the phone. They were very close and my son loves him to death, now he hardly calls or texts him. Maybe once in two three days. He does see him for a few minutes when he comes around in the evening, but he has not explained to him what is going on and just says I love you to him.
Well, this is the nightmare I am living in right now. I don't know what will happen. I love my family and I still love him but honestly I love the old him. The one that went into surgery, not the one that came out.
We had such a nice life. A good family, beautiful home. I guess he would rather live in some room than to be here with us.
From my research I believe his is going through PTSD and depression, but again, he won't let me help him...I think I lost him.
-- Edited by lf on Saturday 28th of November 2015 11:47:53 AM
-- Edited by lf on Saturday 28th of November 2015 11:52:07 AM
-- Edited by lf on Saturday 28th of November 2015 11:53:13 AM
-- Edited by lf on Saturday 28th of November 2015 07:48:10 PM
I'm very sorry to hear of the pain addiction is causing you. Its also concerning that you are not eating, I do understand that stress does that. Alanon is for us the non-drinkers, though I see no reason why the principles of it can't be transferred to a non gambler suffering through the addiction of another. One of the major themes is taking care of ourselves. Detachment, self care, the 12 steps and meetings are son of the ways we relearn ourselves. I'm sorry I cant write long at the moment, but I wanted to welcome you, virtually hug you.you are not alone with the pain,confusion that addiction brings.
Like alcoholism gambling is also a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the spirit and body...he is hating himself because he is wishing not to be a looser in something he is soooo addicted to hoping and wishing he would be successful and everyone overjoyed at how well he can play and win. Geeez could I be owned by a deck of cards and a sexy dealer...ugh. Our first step in Al-Anon says..."We admitted we were powerless and that our lives had become unmanageable"...does this fit for you? The second step tells us that we "Came to believe that a Power Greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"...that Higher Power is also greater than the addiction. The third step tells us that "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God AS WE UNDERSTOOD HIM". Our program is far from religious except for those of us who work it daily...24/7...religiously.
You came here with courage and faith and hope knowing that the main concern was alcohol and substance addiction. For me it hasn't mattered what the addiction was or is this program works when you work it and I hope you continue to stick around. This is a very very large recovering family who has walked thru hell, like yourself, to get free of the deep sickness of addiction. I pray you stay and keep coming back often and stick around so that the rest of the MIP family can be supportive.
I like your nick "IF"...I use to you that one a lot and still do. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
