The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I started my 4th step and I am coming to a lot of realizations about my self and my behaviors. I have a lot of work to do to improve myself. What I have come to see is I am a very negative person, see the world as black and white, and I am very controlling and that I am very hard on myself and others!! I expect and expect perfection from myself and my ABF. I do not have empathy for him being a sick person. I have no patience for babysitting and helping someone who is handicapped by their own doing. He too grew up in an alcoholic home as I did and became addicted to alcohol. I try to understand but I have a hard time to accept this. I also realized, I am very lonely. I live alone most times as ABF works out of town, and when he is home, he is so miserable and lacks energy to do anything but sleep. I feel I am wasting my time by patiently being at home all the time and putting my life on hold, waiting for him. I am angry I have allowed him to have this much control over me and I like a puppy wait at home for him. I am missing out on life because I am waiting on him. I fear if I go out and start living my life I will meet someone more comparable for me and I will leave him behind. That makes me sad as he is a good man and has endured a lot in his life as well, and has now stopped drinking and working again. I feel so mixed up. A part of me feels like I jumped into this relationship to soon and I should have waited to see if he really is the one for me and another part says he is the one for you. I feel completely numb. I just know that I am alone a lot and I am tired of this. I also allow fear to hold me back. I was thinking back at my former relationships and they were all the same, I was always waiting at home for them and they were out working and drinking. I was never put first. This reminds me of my mother. She too always waited for my stepfather and when she had enough and he too was abusive toward her, she would leave and go on a drunk, leaving us kids alone with him or my grandparents. We never knew when she would resurface, it could be a month, maybe 2 months. maybe a day, maybe a week, we just never knew and I remember how lonely I was. It was killing me. And her I am going through the same thing again. Why am I not living my life? what is keeping me back? Why am I not getting a life outside the home? I think my home gives me a sense of comfort, as I am alone here and I do not have to risk being hurt, abused, called down, ect. I have to make changes for my sanity and start living my life and finding happiness for me. I am getting a kitten today and that makes me excited. I can focus on her and training her. I guess I have a lot of work to do yet! I am grateful bf has stopped drinking and appears to be more stable by working and contributing rather than constantly taking and asking of me. I do not know where this relationship will go or if it will continue but I have to just have faith and believe that I am not god and he has a plan.
I REALLY hope you are not doing a step 4 on your own. While we ALL have character defects you absolutely also need a list for character assets. I find I am my own worst critic when it comes to things I perceive to do "wrong". Absolutely I am not perfect. Good for you on working a 4th however do it with someone who is loving and can see the whole picture and doesn't just pick at those things that have been picked at over a long time.
This is where sponsorship is soooo important. My biggest cheerleader is my sponsor. She will ask the hard questions however she also reminds me of all of the good things I have going on. I miss her dearly right now.
Do not minimize or maximize situations that right now because they are so raw you may or may not be seeing them clearly. Focus on you, let him do what he's going to do .. whatever that is you will find your own answers that are best for you by working the 12 steps. 4,5,6 I don't think should be done alone, that's my opinion so DO find a meeting if you aren't already going and DO find a sponsor.
Most of all be very very gentle with you .. you deserve it.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Serenity showed up at the right time with the right direction...read it again and again. I've done six major 4th steps each one more in depth than the one before it because I wanted to leave my part in the disease and not ever return just like yourself. It isn't others who are at fault it is me. I was told by my early sponsor "If you do not rid yourself of your defects, you will be doomed to repeat them over and over (expecting different results?)...and that is what I had been doing over and over and over. Lonely isn't a moral defect...it isn't good or bad...what we do with it is the concern. I was a lonely person and in my family of origin had the nick of the "Lone Ranger" what I did to not be lonely was not good...bad and those things I had to amend.
(((Joker))) When I worked my 4th Step I found that I too felt lonely and unloved because, at a very early point in my life, I had abandoned myself, did not nourished my life or my dreams and spent all my time being a cheer leader for others and making myself invisible
I was lonely, not for the affection or attention of others but for" me "and the self love and nourishing I had denied myself for so long.
Taking positive actions in the direction of my dreams, validating my self and my needs without fear of hurting another, HP and gratitude and asset lists all helped in this process
