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Post Info TOPIC: Trying to leave my abf


Member

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Posts: 8
Date:
Trying to leave my abf


I am new here and have only attended one al-anon meeting - years ago - and several meetings for family/loved ones of people who were in rehab (a previous relationship). 

I don't quite know how to start. 

I have been trying to leave the current relationship almost since I became involved with him.

 

I have tried to share more here about it all but I find that the idea of putting those things in a format that might stay online forever makes me a bit nervous. So instead I will try to focus on things that I am ok with sharing in this format. 

As I mentioned, I've been trying to leave my boyfriend for a while - almost since we first got together. It's as if he was broken long ago and was able to put some of the pieces back together so he's partially functional but it's been very slow and difficult, and he still has so far to go. Our relationship was always odd - more of a friends with exclusive benefits than a romantic one.

I had feelings for him but he didn't seem to have them for me although he seemed genuinely fond of me as a friend at times - although at others I wondered if it weren't all just an act to get me to help him, to do things for him, to drain my energy so he was free to drink and do what he wanted.

I don't think I can withstand the emotional abusiveness and the drain on my energy and resources waiting and hoping he'll get it more together.  I should say that I don't think the emotional abuse has harmed me in the way it might have when I was younger. These days, I know myself fairly well and accept my shortcomings and generally don't apologize for the. I've told him before, I realize that I have flaws that might not appeal to him, but I wanted to be with someone who could appreciate me - flaws and all - and I could deal with it if he couldn't. I was willing to tolerate his tantrums for a while because I was curious.. and I do care for him and hoped I was somehow wrong and he'd turn out to be better than I imagined. 

Anyway, he was "forced" to be sober recently for several months by a scram bracelet. He had difficulty staying sober even with that device, but the change in his behavior over time was amazing. He treated me significantly better, but frequently declared his intent to drink as soon as he could. As the time for it to come off approached, I realized that I didn't want to go back to the way he was. Even without the alcohol, while he was far "less" abusive emotionally, it wasn't what I wanted for myself long term, and I was pretty sick of it. I was pretty close to my limit. 

At first, I would put him off with excuses (true and good reasons but not the only reasons) but eventually he questioned me - suggesting that I was making excuses and I should just say if I didn't want to see him. I decided he was right - I told him I was worn out and didn't look forward to seeing him because it was a chore. I could never just go and enjoy his company, there were always "favors" or errands, etc that he'd want me to do because he didn't have time (as if MY time wasn't important). Not only that, he'd repeatedly said he wasn't attracted to me, had little s*xual interest in me, and I told him I dreaded him going back to drinking - seeing him ruin his life and being nasty to me. 

To my surprise, he insisted that he wanted to give up drinking. I was a little blindsided by that, I admit, and was so shocked that I reluctantly agreed to at least wait and see what happened when the scram came off.  

It didn't take long, as I suspected it wouldn't, for him to be drinking again. He didn't tell me at first, but his behavior changed so drastically that I suspected it and after he broke up with me, called me to ask for money, and then yelled at me within 24 hours. I called him on it and he admitted it. He promised that we would talk about it but then cancelled plans on that, griped me again the next day, and then became charming again saying he wanted to see me - just to see me. There seems to be a clear pattern where he gets angry at me and tells me he doesn't want anything to do with me, then the next day - or sometimes minutes later - acts like he never said anything like that, turns on the sweetness and light, and then asks for a favor.. or money. I was suspicious and I was right - there was something he wanted from me - my extraordinary typing skill. Sometimes he's so predictable it's almost funny, but I wasn't so amused that time. After 24 more hours of extreme highs and lows from him, we argued via text. He was getting very irate and finally said he'd delete my profile and so would not be able to contact me again or bother me - even if he wanted to - until he heard from me. After rereading it, I think he just meant to force himself to calm down and focus on his kids and family for the holiday and get his head together, but I have been wondering if this wouldn't be the easiest way to end things. 

He has only ever been in my home once as he didn't want to infringe on my teenaged son's space. While I liked that he respected my space, this too has put a strain on the relationship as I always feel as if I am choosing between my son and this relationship. This is something else we've been arguing about lately. I don't want someone in my life, anymore, who can't be around my kids (ok, so they're adult age now, but I still want them to always have me as a home base!) I don't know why I ever settled for less! 

 

In the past, when bf and I have had a fight, I  would find it very difficult to not check in with him, say something to defuse things, share something of my day, etc, and he would always respond to that, but I was too angry for that the first day. Now that I am no longer angry, I am find myself enjoying the peace and quiet right now and am wondering how long it will take for me to miss him this time. If I could stick to it, this seems like an easy way to end things.. to just never contact him again. As he is reluctant to come to my home, so I might well never hear from him again. It seems a little cold, but since he put it that way. 

If he really wanted, he could try facebook.. not something he typically uses but it's not like he can't reach me. 

I think I'm most afraid that he WILL find a way to contact me again and talk me into sticking it out with him... 

He can twist my thoughts around so much sometimes I found we are back to something that I didn't agree to. I have located a meeting tomorrow and I think I will try to go. 

Some part of me still hopes that maybe after we've had no contact for a while, and he's had to deal with his life himself, he'll straighten himself out.

I suspect that's tripping me up. Even if he did choose recovery and succeeded (I can't tell at this point if he was sincere or not), it could take years.. and as a single Mom, I don't feel "done" with my kids yet. The divorce from their father (also a drinker but more functional in life but less so with his kids) really did some damage to them, and we're all still recovering.  Maybe after the youngest is done with college.. but even then, I'm tired of having my energy drained away by people who don't give back. Sigh.

I think I've answered my own questions in a way, but I'm afraid I'll forget the first time I feel a bit lonely or if he contacts me. He's very good at getting a reaction from me.. 

All that said, I am grateful for this forum. I really need this. I don't know what I think of AA - it seems there are multiple roads to sobriety and whether AA is the right one depends on the person and also timing to some extent, but I think Al-anon by supporting the rest of us, on focusing on taking care of ourselves, is onto something.



__________________
AnnM


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Welcome Ann , Thank you for sharing with such honesty. You are correct alanon does support "the rest of us", as we relearn how to take the focus off another and begin slowly to take care of ourselves. The support and understanding found n face to face meeting is amazing so that I suggest you search out the main number, in the white pages and call.
Living one day at a time, focused on our needs, not reacting to the insanity about and learning healthy responses lead me to the serenity,courage and wisdom of which program promises.
Keep coming back here as well.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome to MIP Ann - glad you found us and glad you are here. I believe if you go back and read what you've written, you will see the patterns of the disease, and then maybe see that the only person who can chose to put you first is you. Al-Anon can help given you back yourself, which we often loose, bit by bit and piece by piece to the insanity of the disease.

Alcoholism is considered a family disease as we are all affected by it when it's around and not treated. You can choose to enter recovery no matter what any other person is doing. Al-Anon has given me back my self-esteem and self-worth which was beat down by this disease and my hope is that day by day, I can keep my sanity and peace by working the program.

So glad you shared and hope you keep coming back. You are not alone and we're glad you are here!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1887
Date:

Hi Anne.
Your story rings a lot of bells for me. I am also a single mother, and my A partner came into my life when i was very lonely and vulnerable and inserted himself as a "friend with benefits" playing many different emotional games with me ranging from nightly booty calls to living on my couch mooching off me and professing to have no sexual interest in me, and when I was finally done with him he suddenly got a job and decided he wanted an exclusive relationship with me...forever!!! Then began a long cycle of ignoring me, saying vile and incredibly nasty things to me followed almost immediately by asking me for money or favors!!!! As you say, it became so predictable that it was tragically hilarious.
Not exactly the same as what you describe but similar in oh so many ways too; your post brought back a flood of memories.

Al-anon helped me take the focus off of his behaviour and put it on myself where it belongs, and through that process his emotional games and "hooks" lost their hold on me and I get better and better at making the best choices for me regardless of what he does or how he tries to manipulate me (and he still does try, sometimes, and is met with raised eyebrows at most).

Have you read Getting Them Sober? It has some amazing insight into the dynamics you describe; you might benefit from reading it if you haven't already.

Also, welcome


__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



Member

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Date:

Thank you all for responding to me. I should have checked it again before I sent it - I didn't realize just how much I'd edited and how choppy it was, but it was good to get it out.

It is hard not to be angry with myself for going back with him every time. I even jokingly told a friend - maybe it just takes practice for me, lol. But seriously, though, I keep telling myself that it might take me some time to really learn how to put myself first and have good boundaries. Hopefully, I will get better and better at it.

I love to read, so I really appreciate the book suggestion. I had heard of it but there are so many books out there, I didn't quite know where to start.

One thing I am grateful for the more I see other people's stories is that for whatever reason, he is very determined to have his own space and for me to have mine. I guess he's been kicked out of one too many places with nowhere to go and seems determined to make his own living (with a lot of help from his family and whatever woman he can get to help him).

Ultimately, though, I think I would prefer an exclusive live together relationship (not necessarily marriage as I am scared about blending finances with anyone ever again), but he is obviously not the right person for that. I might have caved if he'd wanted it. Again, I am so glad he didn't, and I don't have to deal with one of us moving out.

Thank you all for warm welcome and encouragement.

__________________
AnnM


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 934
Date:

Wow Ann you sound incredibly strong and are checking in with your values. I loved your post and am inspired that you recognized the emotional abuse and validated it. I am sending you lots of love and support. ))

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3496
Date:

Hugs Ann,

Welcome here and you are not alone. You have made some good choices .. I understand the fear and frustration.

Big hugs,

S :)

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop

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