The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello Everyone, I am new to this group. Let me tell you a little about myself. I am married, have two children and I am a substance abuse counselor and a psychologist. I am here today because my son is in the Army National Guard and came home from his last deployment with a drinking problem that has escalated and he is an alcoholic. He has recently been diagnosed with PTSD and was prescribed Paxil and XANAX to help with the anxiety and depression. He is working with the VA to address his drinking and PTSD. He was doing really well and his usage decreased and he was down to about 4 ounces a day and was ready to quit. Then there was a problem at his job and he ended up being let go. He is married and has children and his wife is trying to be supportive but is more controlling than supportive. Because I am a licensed counselor everyone thinks I can solve this problem and I can't. This is something he has to work through and be willing to stop. The rest of the family has a hard time understanding that alcohol is controlling his life currently and he needs help to get back in control. They don't understand why he can't just stop. So here I am looking for a place to go so I can talk.
Welcome to MIP Armymom - glad you found us and glad you shared! So sorry that you are the 'expected fixer' - I believe that happens sometimes even when your just a mom and not a licensed counselor....I am sure it's compounded with your credentials!
So sorry that your son who served to protect our freedom has PTSD and alcoholism too. That's rough, and my hope is he is able to choose recovery and find sobriety, serenity and peace.
For you, my hope is you can find some comfort in the fellowship of Al-Anon. We are a great lot, but there's no replacement for actual F2F (face to face) meetings and the physical fellowship they bring. Most communities have meetings, and we have 2 per day here online (check top left for the schedule and the link to the chat/meeting room).
Keep coming back and know that you're not alone!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I completely understand where you are coming from as I am in the same boat. I am my own worst enemy at times though and felt like a failure both as a mother and as a professional sometimes thinking how can I help others if I cant help my own child. The difference is that the people I help were ready and wanted to get help and she does not at this time. I struggle with that daily. I have had to accept my powerlessness over the situation, and relinquish any thoughts that I could control or cure it. I an glad that you have found us to reach out to. It is a lonely place to be without any support for yourself. I hope your son finds his way to the help he requires.
We have similarities...most of us here do as we share that common disease of addiction and compulsion and allergy. I am also a former substance abuse therapist and family counselor within our disease. I am a recovering alcoholic and a 35 year fellow in the Al-Anon Family Groups. I am a vet with the symptoms you have mentioned of PTSD and more and life is good because of this social model therapy program called Al-Anon. Social model...we share the problems and the solutions and recover very very well very very often. Aside from that my practice was as a behaviorist, I didn't mix much with peoples minds or emotions as both could and would change when behaviors did. Our shared similarities are what has the value in our recoveries. The program is a duplicate of AA in steps and traditions which has save so many lives and which also is the reason I keep coming back. I would recommend AA to your son after sharing with him my journey as I am sure I will understand his as for the rest of the family I would also recommend the Al-Anon Family Groups and other venues such as MIP where the Al-Anon fellowship comes to help ourselves and others. I hope you keep coming back often. Bravo for your work with the sick. ((((hugs))))
It is very tough to watch our kids go through this. My son is ready for help, asks for help and makes it a few days sober and then relapses. He is open now about his inability to help himself which is good but not everyone understands the problems that he has. I hope your daughter allows you in to help her too.
-- Edited by Armymom on Tuesday 8th of December 2015 10:36:28 PM
Jerry, I find comfort in your post, hope and support. Thank you. Thirty-five years of recovery is so great, I bet you are correct you can relate to my son. I have recommended AA to my son and because the town we live in is so small and the next closest would be about 60 miles away he is going to try online meetings and working with the VA clinic and a substance abuse counselor. I find helping is my calling. The reward comes not in the paycheck but in helping to make a difference in the lives of people who need help. I will be coming back. Thank you!!
I understand your reply on helping as that runs with me also however learning the definition and characteristics of enabling was paramount for me...I thought I was helping and things just got worse. That is when and where learned the dynamics or personal responsibility and started allowing my clients to enact their own recovery as demonstrated by others with experience. I use to travel 60 miles from time to time to get to a meeting which was different and where as my counselor use to tell me that I couldn't act the big shot in the group. (Alcoholics are known egotists, controllers and manipulators) we often do that subconsciously to our own demise. If your son will make the trip...bless his journey with a hug and turn him over to Higher Power. It is dicey when you've lost faith and this is a way to rebuild it. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Even with all the knowledge and tools in the world it is still so difficult to see the ones we love suffer and change isn't it? Coming here to speak and to listen is such a valuable gift (that you MIP )
It is good to hear that your son is reaching out. He has given so much and of course that just makes me wish that it was possible to reach out fix it all for him! It is also good to hear your understanding of what can and can't be done and I am sure that your family are lucky to have you and I imagine that you are setting some wonderful examples about how to deal with the disease of alcoholism even if others can't see the sense of your actions yet. They maybe don't yet realise that picking up and oar and rowing towards the shore for themselves is helpful! Sounds like you need to take care of you - gosh, with your work and then this in your home life it must get pretty tiring and difficult.
Looking forward to seeing you around and from one heart to another - you are not alone!
Milkwood, Thanks for the support. I love my work but struggle with being the mom and wanting to help my son and at the same time I am trying to be honest with him and myself and not enable him. Parenting is tough.
Jerry, I am trying my best not to enable. It is a struggle and I second guess myself often. He is seeing a counselor at the VA who is more worried about the PTSD and feels alcohol usage will come in time. I worry that the fact he is an alcoholic and not addressing it more will continue the spiral. My son doesn't have faith right now, not in himself or anyone else he feels he still needs the crutch alcohol gives him. My son feels he can't attend a meeting in an area where most who attend know me. I appreciate the advice and your listening.
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