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Post Info TOPIC: feeling very betrayed and angry


Senior Member

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Posts: 419
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feeling very betrayed and angry


My 18 year old daughter wanted to do some Christmas shopping yesterday and she borrowed some cash from me,I also gave her my debit card to purchase something that I needed,but the store was closed.She went with her boyfriend and they used my card to go out to dinner and also for more purchases without asking permission.I am furious with her because she didn't ask.That money was for a water bill,and my Christmas shopping.She has never done anything like that before and she says she is paying me back when she gets paid,but I don't appreciate them using my card without asking.I don't know how to approach this,I feel like not even paying the water bill and letting them worry about it,I have a lot of extra expenses around the hoildays and I feel pretty frustrated anyway.I don't want to have a scene,but I really feel angry about this.



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Mary



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13696
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That always had sucked for me until I learned the consequence centered response to people who violated my trust.  They got consequences I didn't warn them about before hand or within reaction to what they did.  I demanded respectfully a settlement which went in my favor and then said that the favor which was violated would not be duplicated.  I didn't like that and not as much as I didn't like being violated.  Pretty much always now I get advised and asked permission about plans that don't originally include me.  I hate feeling betrayed and angry like this and have accepted my responsibility for permitting it to happen.  Short lecture resulting with guilt and a warning not to violate (use that word) your trust again and then a hug with a promise of repayment.  Kill expectations too.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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Mary - so very sorry for your anger and frustration. I can relate and my oldest did this once upon a time, while he was sober...

He had my credit card vs. debit card, and didn't bother to mention it. I noticed it on my statement. I asked him about it, and he acted as if it was no big deal. Now, in my home, my boys were raised to know right from wrong, and that this is a huge no-no. It was the first time (and the last time) I ever gave him my credit card for any purpose. I would never give me debit card to them - as I don't want them or anyone they know to have my pin #.

So, I applied the Al-Anon principles and said, as nicely as possible that you violated my trust by spending beyond what was discussed and agreed to. I am sorry, but you won't get another opportunity to use my card. I mean it too. Because of my values, how they were taught, the choices they've made and a few other reasons, I have a one and done policy as an adult.

This applies to many things and when they ask or we discuss something like this, I throw it out there - this is a one and done item. Just like anything else, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...

(((Hugs))) - it's painful on so many levels. Trust, deception, tight funds, etc. Not to mention - it's out of character based on what you've taught and how she's been. Determine what your boundary should be, share it, enforce the pay-back and then try to let it go.

HTH!!!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

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Posts: 419
Date:

Well, I told her how I felt and I just think she got caught up in the Christmas shopping frenzy,she is a good kid and helps a lot.She is returning an item to reimburse me.I haven't always been responsible with money myself,so the anger is gone .I am learning to forgive faster and not stay angry,I don't like being angry anymore, I like peace, I think a lot of my reactions are still fear based,I need to work on that one.

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Mary



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 11569
Date:

Mary - awesome work girl.......I hear ya on the fear - for me, it often drives more than I wish....glad that you and she were able to work it out and discuss it.

Have a marvelous day!!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

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