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Post Info TOPIC: awful day awful night


Senior Member

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Posts: 322
Date:
awful day awful night


Well as im in the process of divorcing my ah. . .The days just get worse. . I could launch into the tactics he tries for keeping me, the hate he throws at me and the contiuned lies but many if you know the drill all too weell. So today we did seperate thanksgivings. . He went to friends my daughter and i to family. She was fair much if the day i was silently falling apart. When we retuurned home the plan was her dad(who i still live with as we have no ifficial legal arrangement ) was to take daughter to movies. She left crying most likely bc i was not going along. I just cant do the fake family stuff. When they came home she came into see me. . I was in my makeshift bed. . Cushions on office floor and she mad a comment about my "stupid bed" and noticed pics i had taken off walls. She glared and walked out and went to room crying. Her father followed and cried with her then came tome and started begging me to reconsider. Saying prayer and church and forgiveness could soften my heart. For me to give him one more chance that i was ruining our daughter with my choice to.leave, saying "shell never recover".i stood my ground and just said NO. This all coming from a man who has been drinking like a fish the past five years not to mention the ten orior. Who adm to a serious affair five years ago and who was just caught in yet another affair last month with a neighbir friend. . He claims it was drunken sex. .Yes for two years but it was her persueing him. I found pics. . Told him im done. And just last night he was seen leaving a local bar with a group and SHE was part of the groyo. . And yet this man, this father is crying to me that im ruining our daughter. So i stayed in my makeshift room. They ignired me and i fell asleep. I just woke to her sobbing going into bed. He didnt suggest she come see me, he sounded as if he were crying too and i heard her just sob. And hete i am. I didnt go to her (shes11) bc it probably woukd have sparked a fight with ah. . And he of course acted like i wasnt here. . In 11 years i have NEVER not encouraged her to tell her father gnight. . That is if hes home. . Yet here i am. . He told het gnigjt. Shut the door to the bedroom went into now "his" room and here i am. . Part of me wants to go and curl.up next to my sweet bany but at the same time i find myself thinking she neefs to face the reality. Sadly since she was told we are divorcing her anger has been at me. Dad gets a pass and plays the "poor me" card. . .I am so unsure of how to handle things. He is manipulating my every move. We have started with a div med, session two on wed. . But i still am in the hoyse. . I fear leaving and not having her and then that being used against me. Nys prefers 50/50 which we are willing to try and i cant fight as he has a squeaky clean legal hx, but at the moment no official document establushes custody. . Uts in the plan but. . And on top of that my daughter us refusing and although i kno she cant technically refuse i also kniw her dad wont help. . He blames me for the break up of course and figures i deserve whatever reaction from her i get. Now mind you for the past eight years HE has been out doing his thing while she and i have bonded and fended for ourselves and devloped a tight tight relationship yet tonight he us the poor me and im the heartless you kniw what for not giving him anither chance. . Saddest part is my daughter. He i coukd care less about. . She us breaking my heart. .



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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3496
Date:

I think in moments like those I have had to put what is best for me ahead of others. Yes, it's hard on the kids. You know what my kids will tell you straight out where we are now is far better than where we have been in the past and I would not trade one moment of tears and heartbreak to go back. It's been a long time to come to that point for me. It is why I didn't lie or protect my XAH .. if my kids ask a direct question I give them a direct answer. it is hard enough to make those kinds of decisions ... they fully understand how difficult the decision was for me and they fully see their dad as he is .. they love him, however they do not depend on him for emotional support because he doesn't know how to provide it. Just as an example to that instead of calling his kids on Thanksgiving .. he texts them .. it's easier .. he can say he has fulfilled his obligations as a parent and then he can pretend that nothing is really wrong. I choose not to participate in the hallucination that behavior is "healthy". I don't have to say anything for them to say umm .. why a text and not a phone call. The emotional manipulation that goes on in terms of children and these situations is truly appalling .. I have had my moments of victim mentality .. I think that's part of the healing process .. however the reality is I made my choices .. my kids had no choice and no voice as a parent .. I don't live in a democratic society .. I am a dictatorship and my kids are lucky that I take their opinions and feelings into consideration .. ultimately I am responsible for my own happiness and own consequences .. they will have the power to choose when they are living on their own. My decisions though are based upon what is best for all of us and sometimes that part of the deal is not easy. Both of my kids will tell you that they see how sick their dad has been and that they are far better off than being in the yo-yo of emotional turmoil that was going on in our home. He was like living with a ghost .. there however not contributing.

Easy does it and try to take things moment by moment .. I couldn't live with my XAH and go through what you are going through .. ugh ..the stress alone .. I hope you have a good support team behind you and remember all of this will pass .. it's not easy .. I have said this many times .. the good days get longer the bad days get shorter and go from days to moments.

Giving that kind of power over to your child over decision making or guilt for that matter is so not the way to go .. my mom did that kind of thing and to this day still blames me for marrying my "favorite" teacher and he was a horrible alcoholic/abuser. She will still bring it up .. it caused a great deal of damage to our relationship because I still struggle with a respect issue with her. Kids are not stupid and they know far more than they let on. My daughter has mentioned things to me now that she didn't share before it's sad and it's interesting how far a kid will go to protect a parent or think that because they aren't able to operate in a healthy way they are doing them a favor because it's what mom did after all. Lots of dialog .. lots of personal responsibility .. I try not to blame or shame in terms of their dad .. however .. bottom line his behavior is a direct reflection of how not ok he is and when nothing changes .. nothing changes.

Hugs S :)

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5663
Date:

What I see is your AH is so sick, he is loterally trying to upset your daughter to get at you. It should get easier once you guys are actually separated. In the meanwhile, I might take daughter to counseling or let her school counselor in on some of this. It is sad that he is using her like this, but that's clearly what it is.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
Date:

I am so sorry to read of this TOC  

Positive thoughts and prayers on the way .



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Newbie

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Posts: 3
Date:

He is manipulating your daughter just the same way he is manipulating you, only she is a child and doesn't have tools to cope. I do hope she can get some therapy as pinkchip suggested. I was your daughter, when my mom left my alcoholic father he put me right in the middle of it. In my eyes, it was black and white - she's the one who left, so she was the one at fault. Life is not black and white but to a child, that's how it looks. It is so unfair to do that to a child, and just another example of how out of control the alcoholic is. People who love you don't use you. I hope you are able to get out soon, both of you, since that is your plan. I can't imagine staying in the house after you have told him you want a divorce. Best wishes to you and your daughter - you both deserve better.  I will say this - as an adult, I apologized to my mother for the way I treated her, and she apologized to me for having to endure that treatment from my father.  And, as an adult, I really, really wish that she had actually gone through with it and stayed gone after she left him.  She went back to him "for the children" but she was miserable and so were we.



-- Edited by Karny on Friday 27th of November 2015 03:03:51 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1887
Date:

Ocean, my daughters father and his wife have spent over a decade informing our child of my evil ways; the lies and accusations delivered to me via our innocent daughter has been just awful..for her and for me...but it didn't have to be as bad as it has.

I wish I had known of al-anon back then and knew that I could better protect both of us by NOT reacting and by NOT attending every argument I was invited to. Now, when daughter tells me of something poisonous they have said about me I simply ask her calmly if she thinks it is true (she knows me too well to believe any of their nonsense) and then I make a point of engaging in something enjoyable with her instead of dwelling on someone else's nastiness.

I do believe her father and his wife have worked so hard on their smear campaign against me out of guilt, and perhaps fear that daughter will see their own shortcomings if they dont constantly focus on mine, real and imagined. That could be why your husband is trying so hard to discredit you to your daughter?-The good news is she WILL see through it, probably more quickly if you don't react and instead tell her simply that it is untrue and then get on with the business of being her mother and enjoying her. Don't waste time wallowing in someone else's nastiness!!

 



-- Edited by missmeliss on Friday 27th of November 2015 08:29:02 PM

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 25
Date:

Well you can really be grateful that you have the strength and self worth that you do. Hopefully, resolution to this will be swift. Your daughter may be crying now but when she's a little older she'll likely be proud of the lesson you're teaching her about healthy boundaries, self respect and dignity.  Keep strong, you're in the thick of it right now but you will get through this.  (((hugs))) TT



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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.

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