The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since my last update, my bf has returned to work and I have the house to myself. Its been a relief, a huge relief to not be around his moping and depression and misery. He remains sober and for that I am grateful. However, for me I feel rage toward him still. I just can not stand the thought of him having to come home. I find him so needy and like a child. We do talk on the phone and I find I have to watch what I say around him or he gets mad. Its like I have to walk on egg shells still. I saw on Facebook he still has contact with his ex-wife and that bothers me as well. I know when he was using this summer they were seeing each other again. I found that out and now to see that he has messaged her, the fears and worries comes back. He say she loves me and all but I just do not trust him at all! Something says he is using you! I just feel so sad. I have never been able to connect with any man all my life. Living alone I am so, so, happy! I feel like there is a chain tied around my neck and I hate it. I want to be free of any relationships with a man and be single and carefree. Yet this relationship provides some kind of security. I do not need him financially so why do I stay..I do not know. I must be just as sick as he is. I know I have to get a life of my own and keep the focus of him. If I were to get a life of my own, maybe things will change and I will meet the man of my dreams. I know within me, I am numb toward this man and feel anger. Anger that I have to keep helping him with this and that, and deal with his neediness. I know I have to start making me happy what ever that looks like. All I know is I am not happy yet I stay in this sick relationship. The man is 6 years older than me and I wonder why do I stay with an old man...he reminds me of an abuser from my childhood...maybe this is where the connection is. I need to get help for me before I explode and do something to hurt him and I want to to for what he did to me...I have a hard time letting go when my trust has been broken by him! I do not trust him or believe his bs anymore and I guess that is why I am angry, I am living a lie!
It really sounds like this is a good time to explore what you are getting out of this very one sided relationship.
To me X's that remain in contact when there are no children involved is not always a healthy thing especially if the people are so obviously toxic to each other .. that's just my opinion.
MY X did that dance with his X-wife and that should have been a huge red flag for me. What he was getting out of the relationship with someone telling him what a mistake she had made and feeding a very sick ego. He verbalized that to me directly so it's nothing in terms of guessing what he was or wasn't thinking.
That's why Alanon is such a great safe place you can explore what you want about you and figure out why you do the things you are doing. Sometimes it's a change in attitude .. sometimes it's a change in perspective which is different than a change in attitude.
I go back to .. love should not hurt. No one has to earn the right to be loved. Some people do not know what love looks like so it's important for me to know what love IS so I can keep that in my life give it out to those who will accept it .. and allow others to be who they are and try to let go the best I can.
I also have discovered that I cause most of my own pain .. my X did do about 15 - 20 percent however .. boy of boy .. my own worst enemy was between my own two ears. Why I tortured myself the way I did and dragged the relationship out in ways that boggle the mind .. I did learn a LOT about myself .. I did learn what I do and don't want in my life I also have learned when enough is enough. There is a specific lesson I'm learning right now about fear. I'm not sure where to go with that .. however I do know I do not have to remain where I am.
PS .. so much of my own anger really wasn't at my XAH .. it truly has been at myself and missals out at him .. some of it justifiably, extremely justifiable and that's rough. The things I'm working on forgiving myself for .. why did I not see my own worth in that relationship. Why did I choose to stay as long as I did? Why did I allow his treatment of me? He showed me who he was and I continued to accept the behavior .. not accepting bad behavior is not about control .. it IS about my own worth .. he's going to do what he's going to do the bigger question is do I love and value myself enough to draw a line and say it's time to let go of my perception of what the relationships would, could and should be's.
Keep coming back .. personally I find anger to be a very healthy response to a very unreasonable situation Anger motivates change. Anger also is a feeling not a fact. It is meant as a warning system not a defense. I completely disagree that it's toxic .. it is only toxic if I allow it to run my other emotions.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
It kinda sounds as though even though he is out of the house and working he's still pretty central to your universe.
Nothing changes if nothing changes as they say...now that you have some breathing room and time for you, what can you do to make life better for you?
I found life went much better when i stopped trying to argue with myself about should i stay or should i go and instead just focused on being the best and happiest me that I could be, by getting out, going to meetings, taking steps to create an independent life for myself and creating my own happiness. When I stopped focusing on "why do I stay" the answers became clear all on their own and i was able to make decisions that I was happy with and didn't second guess.
Forgetting about HIM for a moment...what do you want for you? What did you want from life before you met him? What can you do to make YOU happy, regardless of what he does?
(((Joker)))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Working the 12-step program helped me to detach from the alcoholic chaos/drama and find peace and dignity, which enabled me to lose the anger and disappointment.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
