The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ex Abf of 4 years decided to start AA. Stopped drinking. We had moved in together in August. Deep breaths here, lol. Ended badly this week. As it goes, he slowly stopped meetings due to his work schedule and started telling me he wasn't an A and didn't want to go to meetings and this 90 days thing is just like a juice cleanse. He even took it so far as to call our therapist who deals in addiction and tell her he thinks him and I are a case of Munchausen syndrome whatever that means. He left a week ago to sleep on the office floor, b/c he said he wanted to sleep alone and wanted to break up possibly so he can have the right to a beer when he wants one. I wasn't sure what was happening so I just was nice and considerate even though I wanted to let him have it. All week was a barrage of how hard this was ON HIM, and how much he loves me and wants to marry me. Come to find out, after a week of that and him coming over to take me to dinner he dumps on me that he signed a lease!!!! And he would like to move into that apartment to "FIND HIMSELF" (Yeah right in the bottom of a bottle) and that we can go back and start over to when we first met and I can come there and visit, and when he is ready and fixed we can get married and have kids.
LIVID. I threw everything he owned in bag and made him carry it to his friends where he is sleeping on a couch. I unfortunately was so angry, I slapped him across the face and called him a selfish a**** who is nothing more than a junkie. (yeah. I feel guilty.) He continues to hold hope that I will be part of this future he has devised for us, and that he will be a healthier person in that apartment ( despite where this is actually going to go).
I told him if he does this it is obv. over. What am I ? A carpet? An idiot? Im fuming. He said he wants to think about moving back in and breaking the lease if he can drink in the apt and try to control it, until it fails and then he will attempt AA again. (we know that is not that far off). I just don't know that I can do that anymore. In moving, he had to find some reason to move and for the first time has crossed new boundaries looking for reasons including, " I may not love you anymore." Even though I know this is BS just to drink I am so exhausted, hurt, deflated, and depressed. We are at my parents this week, and going to a wedding where he wants to debut his drinking skills. I never slap people, I am appalled I did that to someone I love this much. We never treat each other that way and every time I think of it I cringe and it hurts my heart. On the other hand, I am also so angry at what he did. leading me on and then dumping this on me. He admits it is the most selfish thing he has ever done. I can't get my bearings I guess at this point. I am exhausted. We are both exhausted. I just think we fought to the point of total silence now and even though he said he is thinking, I could care less. On a separate flight I just realized I am thinking too. Thanks for listening.
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Thursday 26th of November 2015 02:02:41 AM
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 26th of November 2015 06:29:19 AM
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
(((Giraffe)) This disease of alcoholism is cunning and powerful. I understand your "Reaction" to the information that he presented and your guilt and deep regret because of your actions.
I know that I had to leave my husband because I was sure that one day, in my anger at the insanity, I would kill him.
You came here, worked a 10th Step on the incident and now forgive yourself and let go and let god.
Prayers and positive thoughts on the way .
PS
Missed you around here.
(((Giraffe))) - so very sorry for the current situation. The disease is so very powerful that it does override logic and rational thinking. I totally understand your anger and your reaction as well as your remorse for how it finished...
You share is powerful, and for me points to how powerless we truly are over people, places and things. I have been staying focused on the moment and allowing God to guide me. I have made some choices for this holiday to avoid the drama and chaos as I felt that's what I needed to do. My choice, just for today, is to try and be at peace and be grateful for what I have...
I'm sending you prayers and positive thoughts. Glad you stopped by and hoping that today is a new day for you to find peace.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for coming here and sharing your raw emotion. I understand. I remember slapping my XAH on the thigh really hard because I really did want to hurt him and I felt so raw and I thought that it was so unlike me but I had been pushed and I was madder than hell.
honestly, I think you are right to set boundaries and not live with him if living with active alcoholism is a boundary for you. You are refusing to be his enabler and he's not too happy about it. Well, so what? What are you going to do for you? I don't know if you work the program or not but I suggest you find a meeting, find some hope, and keep coming back. Peace is worth the sacrifice of losing someone we love if they are the ones who are disrupting our serenity and peace and I know it hurts like heck to think that way, but for me, it was the truth. I had to walk away. Too many broken promises and too much water under the bridge. My XAH is spiraling now that we're divorced and it's so hard for me to see that, but I know that it was the right choice for me.
Sending you hugs and lots of prayer today!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
This is temporary G...We have a program with steps to help us heal. Time to self forgive and finish the inventory you started here about hurting others and self. No we are not allowed to hurt in return for hurt and we are allowed to forgive ourselves and others asking HP for the power to carry that out after all HP does it constantly because HP loves unconditionally. Sorry for the pain you feel over this and it helps us grow and heal. Happy Thanks giving (((((hugs)))))
There is absolutely no point in having an argument with an active A. My most bad behavior has come into play when I am trying to rationalize and reason with an irrational person .. Sometimes that person is me. Self awareness, self forgiveness goes a long way. My mantra has been when someone shows you who they are believe them. Hugs thanks for sharing! S:)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
((Betty)) Thank you. All these posts are kind. Thanks. I for myself did apologize to him over the holiday regardless of what he did and I felt a lot better. Even though he is still behaving this way. I know, and he knows, that is not the real me. I know in apologizing, I felt God's forgiveness. I am ok now and that action is no longer haunting me. I did let go and let God.
As for the rest, I am still trying to Let Go and Let God! I did my best. I keep looking back (just two weeks ago) when he was still living here, and I found fault with myself for not being able to form the solutions I came up with before he signed the lease. We only talked after. But in the end I said, "Really? I did the best with what I could at that moment. It is impossible to navigate with 100% accuracy when we are in the storms he has placed us in, me with very limited options and with the pressure of his behavior etc. How can I look back, and pick out something I could have done differently when this person acted on impulse and acted self centered the entire time? Every choice I made, was selfless and for the betterment of his and I's life and future. I gingerly made every move, and still can look back and let him tell me, and tell myself subsequently, that I should have said/did certain things differently and he would not have made those choices then. He wants to drink. His decisions were based on that. I am angry at myself for even trying to find 1 iota of fault with myself in the end when he still wants to stick to his decision to move into that apt.
I can wish I had been perfect all day long. At this point, I don't feel completely destroyed and unable to look at someone new right now. I did though the first time we separated. I had to process a lot that first time and make my peace with certain aspects of this disease. This time, there is nothing grande about what is happening, other than I am deeply saddened, and just can't stop thinking about finding a nice person who just wants to take a walk with me or get a cup of coffee. Someone who can appreciate my company, even if it is just for today or tomorrow. I miss that so much. Someone who is normal!! It doesn't need to be him anymore. I just this week want to find someone to enjoy some leisure not monumental activities with and I am wondering if that is the real change that needed to happen..
It is still hard to see the apt and think about Christmas, but at least I am willing now to spend time with anyone else! From the inside. That gives me some hope. I do want to be happily married some day. Just reading your posts is making me feel better and I am not crazy. Thanks.
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Tuesday 1st of December 2015 03:22:18 PM
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Tuesday 1st of December 2015 03:23:15 PM
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Tuesday 1st of December 2015 03:24:48 PM
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
While codependency is not good, I will stand by the notion that I made some progress when I simply realized I could just upgrade to a better relationship. For a while, I couldn't stand not being in a relationship. And am sure it was relationship addiction, at least I started making better boundaries in those relationships I insisted on being in.
So Giraffe, Yes...there are better, less wounded, more fun fish in the sea. If that idea helps you move on for now, roll with it.
"This time, there is nothing grande about what is happening, other than I am deeply saddened, and just can't stop thinking about finding a nice person who just wants to take a walk with me or get a cup of coffee. Someone who can appreciate my company, even if it is just for today or tomorrow. I miss that so much. Someone who is normal!! It doesn't need to be him anymore. I just this week want to find someone to enjoy some leisure not monumental activities with and I am wondering if that is the real change that needed to happen.."
Giraffe, maybe you've hit bottom. Maybe spending time with your higher power in calmness and reflection will bring clarity concerning this relationship. The separation from your abf may be hp's will for you and protection of you.
When I read the statement above I immediately thought of spending time with my sponsor and those in the alanon fellowship. You can give yourself time to really think about what you want. You deserve that and you're worth that. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
((Thank you))
Yes. I have great family and friends fortunately. The first time we split I spent almost a year and a half alone, and took my time b/c I was not interested in dating and it felt pretty normal for a breakup. This time I am just saying, darn. I have been ready for awhile now to find a new person and I think him pulling this a second time was what I needed to throttle me into giving other people a chance now to take me out. I can't find anyone new if I never let them get to know me or take me out at all. I told my girl friend today, " We always have grand views of the future marriage kids the whole thing. As if BAM. One day it happens like we won the lottery. But that dream is built of everyday efforts. Tiny ones to get to know people, go out, be open minded. And that is something I have been holding back on for hopes that this person would sober up." I think I needed this deflating experience to be able to really date now. I was holding onto hope for a long time. Going to stick to this program, and stay open minded.. This thread helped me.
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Love the quote from Mother Theresa Giraffe You are so right alanon also stresses the importance of small positive steps getting us where we want to go I love you processing so please continue to keep an open mind and walk in the direction of your dreams.
Talking with and trying to make sense with an alcoholic \ addict who is outside of recovery is an exercise in frustration - here in Texas we have a saying for situations like this - "It's like teaching a pig to dance - you get frustrated and the pig gets mad - and ya both get dirty!"
For me, one of the mistakes that I frequently made when talking with my alcoholic \ addict son is that I assume (want to hope) that he's normal and rational - and of course, being that he's sick, an alcoholic \ addict, he's not normal and rational - once I start down a conversational road with him and I realize (admit) that he's not normal and rational, that some of the stuff that he's telling me just doesn't add up, I kick myself for once again hoping he was normal, and kick myself again for forgetting that he's sick. It's very hard, and VERY painful to look at my son and having to admit to myself and remember that he's an untreated alcoholic \ addict - that he's not the son I'd hoped he would be, not the son that he could be, if only he wasn't afflicted with this disease - if only he'd "see the light" and work a program.
SO now, our conversations, when we talk, are very light and only get to surface stuff - Father \ Son conversations are completely out of the question - and I have to remind myself every minute of every day that my relationship with him is far different that I'd hoped it would be.
I love my son very, very much, and I remind him of that every chance I get - BUT, I have to force myself to remember that he's a sick and troubled individual - also, I have to severely limit and almost eliminate any expectations - that helps a lot, too - for a Father, it's a sad, painful, and terrible way to have to live - it pains me all day every day - sometimes I find myself crying sometimes for no apparent reason - but thanks to a lot of Al Anon meetings, my life goes on with, surprisingly, a lot of bright spots - I have many, MANY people and things to be thankful for, aside from my son's issues.
I pray for guidance a lot - and when I'm not praying for guidance, I pray for strength - and sometimes I cry out to my HP, "Please, God, I need some help right now!"
I'm not sure if I made any sense relative to your situation - do what the program tells you to do - don't try and analyze it or figure it out - just do it!
um. Yeah...