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Post Info TOPIC: Why do I feel so ashamed if he deserved it?


Veteran Member

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Why do I feel so ashamed if he deserved it?


Been fuming ovef my AH putting his familys needs and wants before his own wife and kids....all I asked was to comprimise over time spent with family for the holidays so that we can fit both my family and his into our plans for the day and all he can think about is what he wants ( which is ultimatley whatever they want!). For 20 years its always been about his folks and what he wants and after our brief separation I started to get back to putting me first and not bending to whatever he wants to do or where we go or who we do it with. We called ourselves getting back together to make our family and marriage work and now I feel I made huge a mistake coming back and now its to the point that our 14 yr old cant stand him. Ive been fuming over this issue about our plans for the holidays for three days till he finally comes in tonite to start an argument the night befofe thanksgiving...(convenient setup) I told him if his priority is to be with them ( his people) right smack in the middle of the day then fine, Im not waiting till 5 or 6 in the evening to go see my folks...after he's gotten nice and toasty from drinking all day with his people. Its not fair...anyway fastforward he picked a fight after bei g ho.e all of 5 mins, I bit the bait bcuz I was already PO'd and thats when the blowout happened...somewhere between calling me a stupid b*** twice (something he's never done before no matter how drunk be's gotten!) and pushing me out the way to walk past, I snapped and started whaling on him in front of my 7yr old ...to the point that my 14r yr old came out to pull me off of him. I cant deny this was pent up frustration and anger from the lack of support my daughters and I have gotten from his family throughout all of this but also because lately Ive been the one carrying the load financially because he cant make it in to work due to binging (this time due to his moms failing health) and stress over his crashing my car bcuz he had been drinking and now learning from a recent trip to the ER that the alcohol has officially started to break down his liver and overall health.....he has screwed up royally this is true but I more so upset with myself for taking the bait and losing control tonight .



-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 26th of November 2015 12:03:05 AM

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~*Service Worker*~

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(((Hopeful))) I am so sorry that this incident erupted in your home this evening.  I often found that when I "REACTED to the  insanity and unfairness of the disease , I always felt terrible and  guilty.  I believe that  this  is one of the reasons that alanon principles outline tools that we can implement so  as to maintain our standards and still keep our boundaries.

Please be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself for" reacting",and know that the 10th Step is there because we are not perfect and do slip from time to time. You have just reviewed your actions, shared your inventory and promptly admitted  your regrets.  Now the next step is to let it go and get some rest.

Having a Plan B and C helped me to reschedule my Holiday plans often .  Positive thoughts on the way     

 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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(((((Hopeful))))) do you have phone numbers and names of members in the program where you are at that you can get with?  That's a smart and safe thing to do.  The swearing at you with the push and pull is the progression which can and will lead you and he to levels you do not want to have happen.  Please get an Al-Anon circle of support around you and use them.   Take care ((((hugs)))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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Oh yes I've been where you are. You are not alone. It just showed me deep inside I needed to find new ways to navigate life. My old paths were not useful. It was then I embraced working on my program. I had become as sick as he. You can do this. There are better ways of coping, even if his behavior is not what you would have for him. It's your own behavior you can concentrate on. Your children will learn from you.

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~*Service Worker*~

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(((Hopeful))) - so sorry that your night was as it was. I too tend to feel badly when I react in a manner that is aligned with the chaos/drama caused by this disease. I too have a rough time forgiving myself and moving forward. For me, I can no longer let things 'fester' within or these blow-ups are more likely to happen.

I am one who must talk about things as I go, otherwise they tend to pile up within me and grow into unpredictable balls of negative energy. I am one who does also make amends to those on the 'other end' as quickly as possible focusing on my part - my words, actions, reactions as suggested. Only after I've written about it, talked about it, prayed about it and made amends with clear motives can I move forward to my own next right step in recovery.

As Jerry suggests, I am best able to keep myself from blowing up by having phone numbers of trusted friends and my sponsor. When I am affected by this disease, if I can share early and often, I am able to process through and find peace 'as I go'. For me, this helps me from allowing it to pile up and fester.

With this disease, I have to work harder than some others to keep my joy and peace. It's not always fair, but it's so worth it for me as I grow and continue with recovery. I still hold on to, "I love my A, I hate this disease often" as it's so true in my world.

(((Huge Hugs))), prayers and positive thoughts sent from me to you...

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Veteran Member

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Thanks for the responses and support....I stopped going to meetings when the girls and I moved back home because my schedule just got too hectic but last night showed me that I need to figure out a way to get back to those meeting ASAP...dont know how Im gonna manage but I've gotta do something fast.

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~*Service Worker*~

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On line meetings here are very powerful .
Enjoy your day


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1887
Date:

I found the only way to step out of the insanity and anger that always reared its head around holidays and family occasions was to plan mine without him and "do our own thing". That meant me going to my family events alone, and he usually ended up staying home and drinking after saying he was going to his mothers. The positives far outweighed the negatives as I got to enjoy the occasions without anger or resentment or hidden tears and was usually genuinely happy to see him by the time I got back.
The first year I went to Christmas without him I thought I would feel sad but in fact it was so relaxing that I looked forward to it the next time.
Just a thought.
I hope you do find a way to attend some meetings f2f or online here as betty suggests.
And we've all done things we regret in anger. I was horrified by some of my actions before I got to al-anon. One day I was so enraged with him that I picked up a chair and broke it against the wall...I shudder to think about it but living within an alcoholic relationship without a lifeline is enough to drive anyone over the edge.
Be gentle with you.
(((Hopeful)))

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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I too am sorry to hear that you reached such a difficult time of it. I would definitely get
back to local Al-Anon meetings .. http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting and maybe get your
children involved as well.



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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



Senior Member

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Be kind of yourself. You are only human and there is only so much a person can take before they snap. Also, the holidays are very stressful, especially when living with an addict. I hope the rest of your weekend turns around.

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Senior Member

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Hopeful, I too have "snapped" big time on many occasions over the past 18 years--unfortunately in front of the kids as well. I can only imagine the scars they carry now. I hope not too deep. What's done is done and you can't go back and change anything. We can only go forward and try to learn from our mistakes and do things differently now. I was so exhausted from fighting. And it got me nowhere but a lot of pain and heartache. You are definitely not alone. Maybe try to work off the frustration by leaving and taking a walk or a run or sometimes I would just get in the car and drive. I needed to escape if only for a little while. Even counting to 10 might help if you can't escape (or 100 lol). As Jazzie said we are only human and can only take so much. Most people cannot live with an alcoholic for a year. I always try to remember that when I am hard on myself.

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Rosanne 



~*Service Worker*~

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My sponsor taught me that "Why" questions are only answered by other "Why" questions if I am not into acceptance and that I can get into acceptance by doing an honest inventory of myself in the situation.  I use to have negative reactions to that word "honest" because I knew I would and could only be responsible for my part in it which caused the problem. I still have a problem with it as recently as last week I needed that process again with my wife.   It works when you work it and I don't have to like it.

((((hugs)))) smile



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