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Post Info TOPIC: Parent unsupportive or in denial?


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Parent unsupportive or in denial?


I have been with an alcoholic for 7 years and we are 34 years old.  We have two children together 4 and 2.  We have been through more relapses than I can keep track of and I know I was always the enabler as I would never keep by boundary and do what I said which was make him leave.  I finally made him leave over a year ago and he finally sought professional help and went through treatment and I didn't allow him back in until he had been sober for over 6 months.  He just relapsed a few weeks ago and I held my boundary and made him leave.  The problem I am having is with his father.  I originally went to his parents four years ago and asked for help as his drinking had gotten out of control and he wouldn't admit that he had a problem.  In hindsight I now know through meetings and counseling and other resources that I was never going to be able to help him until he wanted to help himself.  When I went to his parents his mom was more than willing but when she got his father involved everything fizzled.  His dad brought over self help cd's and told him to start exercising.  I was very offended and couldn't believe that was there stance.  I continued in the relationship and chose to shut out his family.  Now I have made plenty of mistakes in this relationship and made bad decisions that were not the best.  I chose to seek comfort in someone else when I felt I couldn't handle this situation anymore.  This helped me keep the boundary for the first time at least that is what I told myself.  I had suspected he was drinking again as he was always very good at hiding it and ordered a breathalyzer.  The night I tested him he blew a .158 and I immediately told him he had to leave.  I knew he didn't have a vehicle as I had the keys so I called his parents.  His dad began to tell me I'm cold hearted and I am part of the problem.  I was in shock but didn't fight back.  His parents came to get him and his dad said I don't believe you and want to see him take the breathylzer myself.  We did this and of course he failed again this time blowing .148.  Before his parents took him his dad continued to badger me and yell at me for not doing anything.  I told him now is not the time to have a conversation since the other person involved is drunk and that I appreciated he got things of his chest and that he was not helping the situation.  A week later I decided to go and speak with his father and tell him some of things I had experienced so that he might understand the severity of his sons drinking issue.  Upon arrival his father told me I am not high on his list and that I am far from perfect and that I should leave as I am part of the problem and am one of his sons stressers and therefore I lead him to drink and that I am a manipulator.  I was in shock and simply said you clearly do not understand what alcoholism is and do not understand that your son needs to want to help himself.  I left, and an hour later he called me and was more civil but continued to tell me that I am part of the problem and how dare I kick his son out and I'm ruining our childrens lives and such.  I told him again you need to seek help and or reach out to someone professional to understand this choice of his sons is his choice and it is only his choice to work on it.  He has to figure out how and what program works for him and how to deal with lifes stressers because they will never be completely gone.  I am going to support by boyfriend through this relapse as he is sober now and has more awareness this time than any other in the past.  I am going to stand by my boundary that he needs to keep 6 months of sobriety before he can come back into my house with our kids.  I'm allowing him to see the kids daily if agreed upon and he has to take a breathalyzer before and after seeing them.  I feel terrible that his father can not seem to grasp everything that is going on and I do not know why I feel I need to get him to understand.  So I am looking for input regarding dealing with this or if I should even keep involving myself.  I see a therapist to keep myself in check and almost feel like as a last ditch effort I need to invite his father into one of my sessions for a professional to explain to him what is going on because I am the problem in his eyes and what I say can't possibly have any relevancy.  Any feedback is greatly appreciated and I appreciate you taking the time to do so.



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Senior Member

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Denial is a very powerful and tricky thing. By the sounds of it, your boyfriends father is in denial and wants to blame you for his son's actions and disease. I think at this point it is important for you to keep the focus on yourself and your recovery. You should ask yourself why it matters so much to you to get him to see your point of view. You know what the truth is so you have to remember this.  Keep the focus on yourself and your young children. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so tough dealing with this and little kids. Sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers.



-- Edited by Jazzie18 on Wednesday 25th of November 2015 02:28:59 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome Susann I am glad that you have sought professional help and are drawing healthy boundaries in your relationship.  In reading your post,  I did not see that you had availed yourself of the support of  alanon face to face meetings.
In case you are  unaware I will give a brief overview.
 
Alanon is the program founded by the wife of the founder of AA.  She understood first hand the pain of living with this disease and then established a recovery program for family members. 
 
Face to face meetings are held in most communities  and the hot line number is in the white pages. 
In order for you partner's family to fully comprehend the disease it might be helpful if yo suggested they attend alanon or reach out to  open AA meetings. 
 
Alanon would help  them to understand the nature of the disease and to  develop constructive tools to live by.The open AA meetings will show them the truth of power of the disease of alcoholism.
  
Regardless of what they do  Keep taking care of yourself and keep coming back   


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Susann, welcome to MIP. Remember JADE. you don't need to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. You can tell him your truth, and either he accepts it or he doesn't. You know the truth, you have lived it every day, but it is very easy for a parent to be in denial, and also easy for them not to be educated in alcoholism.

I think you are right to wonder why you have the need to have the father on board, since that is more about you, it would be a great place to start, rather than on attempting to educate him, which is about someone else over whom you have no control.

As Betty said, go to some meetings, they not only saved my life from being drowned in alcoholism, they helped me grow tremendously as a person, there was a point where I found that I was rarely discussing anything about alcohol in the meetings as it pertained to me.

And keep coming back here!

Kenny

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hello Susann - I too welcome you to MIP. Thank you for sharing your story with us and so sorry for your current situation.

As Betty suggests, I believe you would benefit from the Al-Anon program as it will help you with your boundaries beyond your ABF. Alcoholism is a family disease so just as you and your children are affected, so are his parents. And, yes, denial can be a huge part of the disease, standing between anyone and recovery.

You can not lead his parents to recovery any more than you can lead your ABF to recovery. The only person you can 'fix' is you. We learn in Al-Anon to stay on our side of the street, set up healthy boundaries, detach with love, and an assortment of other tools that allow us to live our lives with peace and serenity no matter what others are doing.

You've got time on your side right now to work on a healthier you. With your boundary in place, choose your recovery and set aside anything else at this point. In my experience, there is no point in trying to share 'your point of view' with others, especially when they are in aftermath or active chaos of the disease. Time gives everyone the opportunity to find their own truth and just because you want everyone to know yours right now, doesn't mean anyone cares right now or can 'hear it' right now.

What I've found out from my own world (I am the parent of an ASon with a live-in baby mama) is that when she vents to me or blames me, most often it is because my son has told some wild story about things that are bold-face lies. In the beginning, I wanted her to 'see' and 'hear' my point of view. As time went on, and I worked the Al-Anon program, I learned to just say, "Hummmmmmm....." neither agreeing, disagreeing, defending or justifying. I also took every opportunity to invite her to Al-Anon.....she came a couple times and hasn't been back to that meeting. She may be going elsewhere - I do not ask as recovery is private and her choices are none of my business.

So - breathe deep and stop to consider what you truly need. Do a thing or two just for you. Find local meetings and try one/two - a few. See what you think and keep coming back here. If you can't get out to meetings because of the kids, we have 2 here twice a day - look top left for the schedule and link to the room.

You are not alone - glad you came and joined us!!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Newbie

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Thank you all for your responses and helping make me aware of some things. I was most concerned with his father not being supportive as they jointly run a cattle operation. My thoughts were if his father doesn't understand alcoholism then the chance of a relapse happening again would be high as unsupportive people around you can cause negativity. This is by ABF life and he has to work through it. Perhaps I was selfish because I don't know how many relapses I can survive and it possibly would help my peace of mind knowing there was more support. So I will continue to stay on my side and focus on myself and my children and support my ABF when he asks. My choice is not to have people close to me that will be a negative impact on me and thank you for pointing out I only know the truth and will move forward.


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~*Service Worker*~

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Susan,

Hugs and welcome, in reading your post it brought back memories of my first XAH. We did not have children however he had a drug problem. When I left him his dad wanted to know what he was suppose to do now because I was suppose to fix his son. He didn't use that exact phrasing however it was his fear. I found it interesting to reflect on and I think parents hope that there will be someone who will fix what they couldn't. You can't tell me the dad is unaware of what is going on ..yes denial is powerful .. I think most people have the attitude that to much drinking will just go away if someone finds the right person. I remember my current X's mother's response to her son's last DUI .. well he went to rehab he shouldn't have a problem anymore.

No parent wants to admit that their child is sick.

I think it was a real wake up call for me that alcoholism is a family disease. In my current X's family household there were 5 immediate alcoholics going from mom, dad, s/dad, grandfather's and so on .. I didn't realize how enmeshed things really were until after we were married and I really watched the dynamics going on.

It doesn't sound like looking for affirmation or support from his family is going to work. I would encourage you to find an Alanon group to help you manage your own feelings and thought processes.

Hugs and best of luck, S :)

__________________

Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

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Hi, so glad your going to meetings and getting that awareness for yourself. You have done well sticking to your boundaries. It does seem as if the parents are in denial. Its such a destructive horrible disease. I learned that only when the alcoholic is allowed by everyone around them to have the proper consequence of their drinking then and only then will real change begin. Right now, hes like a little child, with you and his family picking him up when he falles like hes a naughty school boy. Everyone else taking responsiblity for a grown man. You are all contributing to his progression into his disease. Sounds harsh. If I were you I would read the leaflet 'The merrygoround called denial' It will show you the roles you are all playing in this mand sdownfall. He must be allowed to fall with no 'help' from family. This is very difficult, it usually means homelessness, maybe prison but the alternative is that you all remain sick forever potentially. Everyone living their lives with this man at the centre. So noone really living. This is all enabling and enabling can cost alcoholics their lives as well as everyone taking part.

My son is a problem drinker and I wont be picking him up from his partners home or doing anything to 'help' if I can help it.



-- Edited by el-cee on Friday 27th of November 2015 08:14:40 AM

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Newbie

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Thank you all again for the information. I think I have overloaded myself with information and feel like I have more questions now than I ever have before. Now that I have read the merry go round of denial I am very confused. I feel as if I am part of every part. When I started seeing a therapist and reading books to educate myself a year ago I was dealing with overcoming so much anger. I never worked on or prepared myself for dealing with a relapse and how to handle it other than not knowing if I could. I am extremely analytical and wonder if I am playing the parts I shouldn't yet again.


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