The material presented
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I was just reading some posts and saw a response by Elcee that said she learned in Al-anon that her A's drinking was never a choice, not a decision to drink instead of spending time with loved ones etc
This is something I am really struggling with. I get so resentful and hurt because I feel like my AH chooses the alcohol, his mother, even other "important" people in town, on this committee or that group (who really need his help), over me and the kids and our life at home. I call it "going AWOL" when he says he'll be home at such and such a time but then he "got a call" from (fill in the blank - his mother, his team member on some committee, his colleague - blah blah blah) and then he just doesn't make it home. Doesn't matter any more if he's promised a project with one of the kids, time with me, dinner with the family. There is always an unavoidable excuse. And then when he does make it home, he has an edge to him - not always clearly drunk but an edge that tells me he has checked out again, gone AWOL on us. I know then that he is unreachable for the rest of the night too. I can't discuss the day, he can't help with homework. I am parenting alone. I am in my marriage alone.
I know I need to get past this but I don't know how. He's missing everything. The kids will grow and be gone. I will wake up one day and realize I don't want to be with him anymore. I hate this. It is not what I signed up for.
Thanks for reading.
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
((Newleaf))) I agree the disease of alcoholism is something I would not and did not sign up for. I am however extremely grateful that this destructive force lead me to alanon and the powerful principles of recovery. I have found that it is true that " Acceptance of Life on Life's terms is the key. I had to learn to stop fighting reality , and pick up alanon tools to learn how to live and let live
Before I knew my guy was an addict it used to drive me insane when we were getting ready to go on a ride. It would take him what seemed like forever to get ready.
I used to stand in the garage with smoke coming out of my ears while he checked the same back again lol
I finally figured out that instead of standing there fuming I could be cleaning the house, watching tv or doing something for myself. That saved me lots of aggravation, and resentment.
Sounds like, from your very insightful responses, that my focus is on my AH not on myself which is where it needs to be. Gotta get out of victim mode too. Thank you both for your honest sharing. I am hoping to get to a meeting tonight to buffer me before the holiday tomorrow. đ
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
Very insightful on your part newleaf. The willingness to listen and learn from others' is a great way to break the isolation that this disease causes. Your awareness has turned into acceptance, and now your are going for some action tonight. That's great!!
The whole "I didn't sign up for this" is certainly what all of us go through. The thorough working of just the first of the 12 steps can go a long ways towards the acceptance of this condition, and steps 2-3 did a very thorough job of helping me accept the conditions that I was in, and to not take it personally. I encourage you to work on the steps, that kind of relief can come quickly.
I can relate to your post and my heart goes out to you. My husband was not one to not be home though sometimes I thought it would be better if he was out of the house. He was a secret drinker and was usually already checked out by the time he got home from work. I too parented alone and felt like I was alone in this marriage for many years. I am thankful that I found Al Anon when I did as I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown and just couldn't be in denial anymore. I wish you only the best and hope your AH can find sobriety and happiness that you both deserve. There is hope in this program. After I started to attend I was able to step back and let my husband hit rock bottom. Once he found sobriety I found that I was very very sick from living in this disease and also growing up in it (my father is a recovering alcoholic). I continue to work on myself but I am grateful for this program and the clarity and truth it has brought to my life. Best of luck to you and your family. We are here for you.
I was just reading some posts and saw a response by Elcee that said she learned in Al-anon that her A's drinking was never a choice, not a decision to drink instead of spending time with loved ones etc
This is something I am really struggling with. I get so resentful and hurt because I feel like my AH chooses the alcohol, his mother, even other "important" people in town, on this committee or that group (who really need his help), over me and the kids and our life at home. I call it "going AWOL" when he says he'll be home at such and such a time but then he "got a call" from (fill in the blank - his mother, his team member on some committee, his colleague - blah blah blah) and then he just doesn't make it home. Doesn't matter any more if he's promised a project with one of the kids, time with me, dinner with the family. There is always an unavoidable excuse. And then when he does make it home, he has an edge to him - not always clearly drunk but an edge that tells me he has checked out again, gone AWOL on us. I know then that he is unreachable for the rest of the night too. I can't discuss the day, he can't help with homework. I am parenting alone. I am in my marriage alone.
I know I need to get past this but I don't know how. He's missing everything. The kids will grow and be gone. I will wake up one day and realize I don't want to be with him anymore. I hate this. It is not what I signed up for.
Thanks for reading.
Newleaf,
One of the things that really helped me come to accept the premise that an untreated A's drinking was not a choice was by hearing recovering A's tell their stories at open meetings. I remember vividly the first story that really impacted me. It was a very successful business owner who became an alcoholic in his late 40's ... and his disease spiraled so far out of control that he spent virtually his entire day trying to figure out how to continue to drink without detection of his problem by his family, employees, or members of his community. He would shop at a different liquor store every day so that a clerk would never see him more that once in a week buy a bottle of vodka. On garbage day, he would gather up all of his used bottles, which he had hidden all over his property and ensure that no garbage bag in that week's trash had more than one bottle in it so the trash men would not hear it clank. He would constantly work on identifying hiding places for his bottles so that his family wouldn't find them ... and when he did, his first thought was not 'Wow, I have a problem' ... it was 'Wow, I have to find better hiding places'. By the time he finally hit bottom, he was addicted, he would wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to get back to sleep unless he drank at least a fifth of vodka to take away the shakes, nausea, etc. No one chooses to live like that ... the alcoholic, as the first step tells us, has become powerless over alcohol and their life has become unmanageable. It was hearing this story, told openly and honestly by an alcoholic, that open my mind to the possibility that my AW was also powerless over her disease, and that her behaviors were not her choice, but instead symptoms of her progressing disease. It was after hearing this story, that I first was able to view my A with some compassion and empathy, and was a huge step for me in my own recovery, as it allowed me a foundation to find forgiveness and to start moving past the resentment and anger that came from feeling as though my AW was 'choosing' alcohol over her family.
If you have not had the chance to attend an open meeting with AA participation, you may want to consider attending a few and getting the perspective that comes from listening to an A tell their story. This may aid you in gaining some acceptance that your A is not making the choice to be an A, and may in fact be just as upset, or more so, about the behaviors they are engaging in.
I have also heard other people in the fellowship talk a lot about taking the time to read the AA Big Book, and how that also gave them perspective on the disease from the perspective of the alcoholic they had not gotten before.
Jazzie, thank you for sharing your story with me. It gives me hope that I can find acceptance which has been such a struggle for me. It also helps to know that others have been here and have survived and even moved their lives forward.
Dave, I appreciate this other perspective. I have not really considered that my AH is helpless too. I know intellectually that he is hard on himself, that he is tired of apologizing to me and the kids, but I have not really sympathized because I am too hurt right now. I will keep this in mind and try to see him with different eyes. Thank you.
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
my ah does that also,drives me nuts! Also today,when the cleaning people who i now can afford only 1x month, were cleaning,he was drunkenly yelling at them for the noise! Noise of them cleaning.then im quietly cleaning something later and he says"whats with u so quiet?' ICANT STAND THIS!!
There is a some element of choice involved. I stoopped drinking utilizing AA. I made that choice. Up until I saw 100 percent that it was ruining my life and would continue to do so, the choice wasnt apparent. I always thought I could drink AND have my significant other or I could drink AND just make up for what I missed later. The disease actually consists of that delusion more than the drininkg itself. So given that there is such denial and insanity that you have to deal with, alanon can save you from losing your own sanity and serenity.
pinkchip, thank you for your post. It helps so much to hear from the A's perspective. I need to disengage and let him make (or not make) his choice for recovery in his own time. Meanwhile, I will be over here, doing my own work to keep my serenity and support my children to keep theirs.
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
((((Newleaf)))) Situations like yours causes the empathy factor to rise in me and I get to feel the sadness again all over. During these times I get also to revisit what I learned about the disease and what it is and how it works or has to work to arrive at the condition you speak of. I get to remember the definitions I learned about alcohol and alcoholism which helps me to continue to believe that it is the most powerful mind and mood altering chemical at the base of a disease of compulsion which will never be cured and only arrested by total abstinence or else it will progress beyond the insanity you are experiencing now and progress into death. I came to understand that the death progressed over time as each day we lost more and more unconditional love and understanding. I never thought that there would be a tragedy which could make me cry until I learned about the disease and participated in the recovery from within it.
The drinking is a choice and one motivated by sooooo much pain and promise of the relief of pain at the same time. The pain isn't only physical the massive amounts of mental and emotional pain kept repeating to me something I came to know and yet could not or would not seek help for until the program where I found out that sanity could and would come from turning my self completely over to a power greater than myself and the power in and of the bottle. That also was a choice and today I make the choice not to drink and to trust God as I understand God.
Betty's suggestion is the one I practice and the one I also recommend along with keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
