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Is it normal to be constantly mad at my abf? I have tried and tried to he a good mate, understanding, loving, etc. Everytime i open myself up to himband HIS needs, he takes more and disregards my efforts. Things had been going ok the past few weeks, until Friday nite when ge got smasbed and crashed his second Harley. Then he thinks its hysterical and yells me its my fault he dri ks when i nag him anout those types of incidences. I have to go on with a phoney smile and go along with his needs and wants, like sex every night, just to keep the peace and have a home for my kids. Im getting numb....im so pissed at him all the time....i feel like i deserve an academy award for my performance every day. I resent him, but the alternative of living in the gutter literally and lising my kids is much worse..... Just a vent im so torn up
Lisa, you are expecting a reciprocal relationship with the disease of alcoholism. Unfortunately, it is not possible. That is why we work the 12-step Al-Anon program, in order to accept and come to terms with the disappointment, frustration, and lose of dignity that alcoholism causes.
-- Edited by Debb on Monday 23rd of November 2015 03:41:59 PM
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Hugs Lisa..I think this is wreck your bike month smh! I have this on my desk "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" Buddha..
((Lisa)) Living with the disease of alcoholism is devastating. I know that i stored up anger, resentment, self pity and fear within my heart and soul over all the problems that I encountered as I attempted to live with my husband. I had no tools to release them and so as I held them within, and they continued to hurt me. Denying reality, pretending all was well, putting on a "Happy face " were all part of my tools that did not work. I hear you using them as well and experiencing the same results.
Alanon gave me tools that enabled me to validate myself, my needs, and the Steps 4 -11 that helped me to let go of the negative happenings of my life and shed the destructive resentments of the past. Alanon pointed out that I could not have a "True Present" if i was carrying around the pain of past experiences. I needed to release myself in order to grow and experience life on life's terms.
Try meetings online, keep an open mind and know that all the anger and resentments simply hurt you and are blocking you from responding in a healthy life affirming fashion.
Living one day at a time, focused on yourself, trustingHP. life can and does get better.
I too came into the program full of negative emotions and beyond angry. I actually had begun to believe I was the problem entirely and was so used to the chaos/drama, I was almost numb. As I began to listen with an open mind and try small things suggested by those who came before me, I began to feel better. I actually had anger resurface as my self-esteem began to be restored, and truly had to work the steps and engage with a sponsor to get through it...
I think anger is a part of the disease and I believe anger can resurface as we regain our sanity. It is, as Betty says, by working the steps, finding other healthy emotions (empathy, sympathy, forgiveness, etc.) and continuing to work on ourselves that we are able to process through the anger and let it go.
You are in charge of what you do with that anger when it comes up. You can let it wreck a great day or you can pray to let it go. I just no longer want to live with that negative energy within me, so do whatever it takes to let it go.....take a walk, take a run, vacuum a floor, take a shower - anything to get a break from the insanity to realize my truth, which is choosing recovery.
If it helps, I no longer get really angry. For the most part, with the tools of this program, I can engage my HP sooner now and/or process with a sponsor or trusted program friend. It get's better - that's my point.
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back....it will get better as you work the program!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
yI had to hit step one, it wasn't pretty. But it was a door opener. I can so identify with alot of your posts. We really cant control others, whether sad, angry, happy etc, he's going to do what he's going to do. Framing alcoholism as a disease is really helpful. I know I used to try apply logic to drinking; it never ends up good so why do it, idiot. Constant frustration. And with myself too. Resentment, yep, plenty and plenty more of that. However, knowing someone has a disease of thought, and being able to step back from it where possible, has helped me. I had to accept the man I married for who he is, not what I want him to be. And like training a small child, the parts I like get warm attention, the parts I don't have consequences. My own boundary around sex is I won't have it if I don't feel like it, and I generally don't feel like it when I am tired because no one helps me. The thing is, getting to where I am today, hasn't been pretty at all. We have had tempers and plates fly, fists fly, words fly, breakdowns and separation. Now, we live in seperate states during the week, and live together weekends, as my husband works, which is one thing I like about him, he feeds his family and takes pride in it. This disease however will undoubtedly have a say in that if it doesn't get arrested. I don't have any say in that, but I'm always aware of alcoholism and how it rears its ugly head. Over the last year, I've had to relearn boundaries. Fortunately I have a court order which prevents him from returning home under the influence. My part is using it, and he knows I will and why. Boundaries start in a home I reckon. No one likes unpleasantness. I don't know if anyone else here has different experience, but mine was we both morphed into a pair of ***holes, hated it, and then tried new ways of relating. I did becomes super witch, nothing he did was good enough (and it really wasn't) and i couldn't be pleased ever. Its horrible. Breaking isolation is a big one. I live in a city where i keep to myself, the neighbourhood overall is dodgy though their are son good folks about. Overtime, ive made aquaintances and have people to talk to. It helps me to focus on me. I know you have three kids at home, me too. And a wee baby is demanding, just by their mere constantness. Routines have helped me get a few hours back to myself and they are growing so quick. I realised ages ago i was a single mother with none of the perks, once i got through the resentment, it got easier. Keep coming back. Don't forget online meetings, they were the first things that helped claw back my sanity.
Bottling up feelings led me to depression - a million miles from where I had been living previously and I found it very debilitating. For me there was no reward in venting my anger at my husband - that only caused more hurt. I was so wound up I could not speak my truth without exploding. I found that yoga and meditation plus the wisdom of Alanon helped me to unwind enough to say what I needed to say and do what I needed to do for my own well being. I had to take it very gently to begin with.
I did come to learn that I was responsible for my own self esteem and becoming a bitter old lady wasn't helping me feel good about myself one little bit! When I get angry or resentful I do something for myself that I enjoy and give myself a metaphorical hug. Then I review what I feel like afterwards. I can honestly say that there has never been a time when I didn't feel better and calmer! You've been through a lot. Perhaps it is time to start taking care of you in ways that are possible?
-- Edited by milkwood on Tuesday 24th of November 2015 02:07:48 AM
I feel that if i put away the anger that i am agreeing to his bad behaviour. For instance after his accident i was furious, what should i have done/said? Is walking the other way telling him its ok....its so confusing
I feel that if i put away the anger that i am agreeing to his bad behaviour. For instance after his accident i was furious, what should i have done/said? Is walking the other way telling him its ok....its so confusing
I took an extremely deep breath..asked if he went to the hospital lol he didn't (probably because he was high) I try to treat mine like anyone with a disease..trust and believe some days are harder than others.
We have no control of anyone's actions, we can either love them from across the street or be miserable because they're doing what addicts do. I realize that getting mad won't change a thing so I find other outlets.
I view releasing the anger as empowering and a 'for me' action vs. 'for them'. Debb has the best quote ever about forgiveness and it suggests that forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but instead allows it to not destroy our hearts. There are usually natural consequences for all actions, and not all are bad. When I can forgive, I'm lightening the load on my body, mind and soul. When I can release anger, it's a choice to lower my stress. If I wreck my car, I am inconvenienced by not having 'ready transportation'. If he wrecks his motorcycle, he doesn't have it to ride.
Allow yourself the freedom from the chaos and focus on you. You didn't wreck the bike, don't allow that to ruin your day or your moment. Take a walk, get a facial, etc. Live your life as best you can and leave him to live his.
(((Hugs))) - It's not easy work but so worth it!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Lisa, Remembering that we are dealing with an irrational disease over which we are powerless helped me to understand that exploding in anger, (Even if it felt good for the moment) did nothing to help the situation. It did destroy my peace of mind and gave my partner the open door to defend himself by blaming me . The argument then escalated and nothing was accomplished.
It is important to feel your feelings, own them to yourself and then to respond to them in a healthy non destructive manner.
I did not realize it but as the result of living with the insanity of the disease I had become a very fearful person. When I took the time to examine my motives, I found that I turned my fear into anger so that I could explode and feel better. It never solved any problem.
Once I stopped doing this I found that "Fear" was my biggest problem and most powerful driver. Alanon gave me tools to address this Fear and I did not need to explode any longer. I could respond to situations in a respectful manner. Making an alanon call , helped me to defuse the anger so that I could say what I meant,mean what I say, without saying it mean,
I appreciate the alanon principles that impressed upon me that holding resentments, anger, self pity are all destructive weapons that only hurt me and by letting them go I am setting myself free to embrace the courage, serenity and wisdom that lives within my heart, Serenity prayer, living one day at a time, eliminating blaming, judging, critiquing anyone all helped in the process.
I feel that if i put away the anger that i am agreeing to his bad behaviour. For instance after his accident i was furious, what should i have done/said? Is walking the other way telling him its ok....its so confusing
I do not think you are telling him 'it's ok' ... I think what you are telling him is that choosing to drink and then drive a bike is his choice, and that the consequences of making that choice are also his. You are acknowledging what we learn in the first step ... 'We are powerless over Alcohol'. The more you expect him to do what you believe to be in his best interest, the more frustrated, angry, resentful, and unreasonable you are likely to become when he doesn't do it.
What I came to realize in AlAnon is that not only do I have no control over the choices others make, it actually robs others of their humanity when I assume to know that what the best choices for them are and expect them to do as I wish. I am not their higher power. They are adults, and it's their right to choose what to do with their lives. Through detaching from the choices others make in their life, I am able to put my focus and energy where it rightfully belongs ... on improving my own choices, working my own recovery, and keeping my side of the street clean.
I know it's not easy ... accidents, destruction of property and belongings, legal problems, fines, etc do affect the family members and others close to the alcoholic ... but this is where I have found it's more productive to me to set boundaries and adhere to them, rather than just being angry and resentful all the time.
Simple example ... my AW lost her driving privileges as a result of multiple DUI convictions. Rather than driving her everywhere she needed to go, and being angry and resentful for every mile I drove doing it ... I set a simple boundary ... you are responsible for getting yourself where you need to be, when you need to be there. It was difficult for her at first ... and she was mad as a wet hen (literally) at me when I wouldn't change my plans so that I could give her a ride home on a rainy evening after work. I kept my plans, and she made it home ... albeit wet and cold and at the time angry. When she attempted to bait me into an argument later that evening about how I didn't care enough about her to keep her from the discomfort of walking 2 miles in the rain, I told her that I was sorry she felt that way, and then I gently reminded her that it was her choices that led to the consequence of not having the privilege to drive, and that I had made my boundary clear ... that her transportation needs were hers to own, not mine. She had to walk home in the rain not because she lost her license, and failed to look at the weather report, and make the necessary arrangements to be sure she got home warm and dry. I left it at that. I kept my plans ... I didn't abandon my boundary ... she faced the consequences of her actions ... and I maintained my serenity. Over time, she began to take ownership of her transportation needs and accepting that this was a product of her choices, not my lack of concern for her. She bought a bike, learned the bus schedules, and learned how to humbly ask for help from co-workers, others in her AA Fellowship, family members, friends and me. Sometimes I agreed to help her ... but the difference was it was my choice, and therefore I avoided resentment and anger because I perceived that I was having the consequences of her actions enforced on me, by taking ownership for something (her transportation) that wasn't rightfully mine to take. Resentment on her part about me not providing all her transportation was eventually replaced with gratitude to those who chose to help her out ... including me.
I like the example that Dave has posted because it was also how I learned to stop getting myself into enabling troubles. I went to meetings and listened with an open mind and learned lots and lots of tools which were opposite and different than the ones I kept using that did not work for me. The boundaries and holding to me we difficult at first to build and hold on to yet the consequences were gold as they were/are for Dave and for my alcoholic/addict. I learned responses to my alcoholics complaints that the consequences of her choice were not fair...one was "oh well" which didn't sound loving or compassionate yet she learned that I was powerless and that she was responsible. and there were/are many more. It is very telling that I do not have to use these same tools quite as often with my present wife who is very responsible.
The anger? I learned that the opposite of anger or resentments is forgiveness. When I hate feeling the former...I choose the latter because both cannot exist at the same time in the same place. I love forgiveness more. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I am in a similar situation and am working on setting boundaries around sex just as many have said. Also having trust in my HP that I will be ok no matter what happens and that I can no longer invest my well-being in his actions. I have to learn to be self-sufficient and manage only myself and my own actions. It's hard not to resent and be angry- but it also makes me retreat into myself.
Know that you are not alone- as many others have walked this path before you, there are just as many walking right beside in the same state of struggle right here, right now.
Reading everyones experiences is helpful. One more challengevi am up against is his control, and anger when things do not go his way. For example when i set a boundry with sex, he will sometimes hound me until i give in....has lasted until 5am before. If i refused to pick him up after his accident he would have txt harassed me and start a fight all night long. He is relentless and can be destructive . I try to apply the i dont have to attend every argument im invited to....i really like that one, but sometimes he justbwont give up until he gets what he wants.
I feel like such an a$$ . There was someone in there i feel in love with. He has been gone for so long, and i feel like he just pulls yhe old jerry outbof jis hat when he wants something from me like sex. I used to be oblivious to it, but now it makes me angry
Lisa II sounds as if he is using all his manipulative tools to get what he wants when he wants it. Your awareness of this is a powerful incentive to delve into program and begin to slowly use new tools to interact with him ,
Practicing the alanon program is a process, and change takes time.
You can decide one day at a time to not engage in any argument with him. If he wants sex, simply ,no I am tired and going to sleep " and then do it works or the slogan "NO is a complete sentence" also holds true.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. I had to really accept the fact that I was not a "victim" and although I was powerless over the disease , I had power over my own responses..
Examining my motives helped me to decide how to place principles above personalities and respond in a constructive healthy manner.
One step, one moment a at a time it gets better
When I get angry or resentful I do something for myself that I enjoy and give myself a metaphorical hug. Then I review what I feel like afterwards. I can honestly say that there has never been a time when I didn't feel better and calmer! You've been through a lot. Perhaps it is time to start taking care of you in ways that are possible?