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Post Info TOPIC: Engaged to a recovering Addict- Help please


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Engaged to a recovering Addict- Help please


So, I am engaged to a recovering addict. He spent over 15 years of his life using heroine, crack, pills, etc. I know he has gotten himself into some unwanted situations (particularly of the sexual nature) while he was using. There are many things about his past and about his current behavior that he hides from me. For example, I just found out that he is having Skype sex with other men and looking at "men seeking men" ads on craigslist. He isn't aware that I know this about him. I think it is something he feels a lot of shame about, but that gives him a feeling similar to getting high. I feel like I need to bring this up with him, but I fear his reaction. I fear that he will be so filled with shame that he will start using again. But at the same time, I worry that I will never be enough for him if we get married. How do I talk about this with him without sounding angry and accusatory? Should I talk about it? Should I stay with him? Help please!!!



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The man that I love to death admitted to me a little over a week ago that he does meth. After the shock wore off I was glad that he told me, he said it had been killing him to keep that secret. He's not in recovery, that's none of my business..what is my business is my program..I cling to it with every fiber of my being.
Honesty is a big deal for me, some secret behavior (drug use, unprotected sex) can be a matter of life and death.
He said he wanted to quit, and I told him not to do it for me, do it for yourself. I have enough of my own stuff to deal with, your sobriety isn't one of them. I will support you, but I won't carry you.


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~*Service Worker*~

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I remember the saying, "When people show you who they are, believe them."

In my experience, things don't get better after the wedding.  They stay the same or, in bad situations, they go downhill.

When dealing with sane and stable, honest people, talking leads to greater communication and reassurance.  What you know about your guy now is that he i deceptive and compulsive.  Compulsive suggests that he probably does not want to stop, and probably is not able to (without a great deal of help which he would have to want to get).  Deceptive means that he will probably not say trustworthy things in response to your concerns.  My guess is that he will almost certainly want to keep on with this behavior, because that's why he's doing it now.  That is a health risk to you, as well as the very painful emotions.

I imagine that turning this situation around and ending up with you feeling healthy and serene isn't an instant job.  But Al-Anon is here for these situations.  I hope you'll find a face-to-face meeting (they say to try 6 because they're all different), read the threads on these boards, get the literature, start exploring and using the tools, maybe look out for a sponsor...  There is peace in store.  Take good care of yourself.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome Hall, That is certainly a huge discovery and I can understand your hesitation and confusion.. Alanon is a Spiritual program that was founded to help families of alcoholics cope with the several dysfunctions that arise when living with the disease of alcoholism. .
One of the basic principles of the program is that we do not give advise but encourage each of us to look inward for the guidance we need to live our lives.
Each one has a different road , so If you have not attempted to attend alanon meetings, I would like to suggest that you search out the face to face meetings in your community and attend The number is in the white pages

Try 6 different meetings, pick up some literature, and attempt to focus on yourself, your needs, wants and desires. Once you have done this you will be in a better position to make a decision as to the relationship and how to proceed.

Justifying his behavior or trying to" understand it ", is not in your best interest. Examining your motives, your needs your expectation is crucial. Being prepared to know deep within what you want is important before having the "Talk" as he can promise you the world .
Keep coming back you are not alone .

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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When my XAB left recovery and went back to active drug use, he could promise me the world and for some reason I believed him. I've come to learn that the sneaky things he did were only the tip of the iceberg...the rest is history and I don't need to know anything else. The A was so good at manipulating and hiding, it was unbelievable. He really is a smart man but the using clouded his judgement and he would take huge risks...a smart addict is very dangerous. Perhaps risk taking added to the rush or high? Not my issue to understand though...I don't think any of us that don't struggle with addiction will ever understand an A. It was super hard not to try to understand, but it was futile and just frustrated me for months and months.
For me, I had to go to the doc to get a full work up and make sure I was physically healthy due to all his risky behaviour that I may or may not know about. Taking care of yourself number one! ((Hugs))

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Thank you.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome to MIP Hall2015 - glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share. So very sorry for what you've uncovered. I would ask you to read back what you wrote as if you were your best friend. I believe you will find the answers you are seeking if you remove yourself from the situation and look upon it.

We learn in Al-Anon the 3 C(s) - we did not cause it, we can not cure it and we can not control it. No matter what you do, if he's driven, he will do what he wants or needs to do (seek relationships o/s the marriage, drink, drug, etc.)

Stick around and know that you are not alone. I encourage you to look at you, work on you and choose you. (((Hugs)))

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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I married my guy a week & a half ago. He had been perfect for months before the wedding & I was completely 100% convinced that he had changed. We had a beautiful wedding - the perfect day & I was SURE I had made the right decision. A week & a half ago my world was a wonderful place..... Since our wedding, he has started drinking again, assaulted me, put me down, called me names, told me to go kill myself (including sharpening a knife & handing it to me), ignored me for long periods of time, locked me out of my house for three hours, refused to have sex with me (oh actually that's not true - we were halfway through one night when he just got up & left the room and slept on the lounge all night), looked at me like he despises me and refuses to give me any attention or affection. So should you marry this person? In one word, no.

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Belinda


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belinda..one word..anulment

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ALYCE R KINIKIN


~*Service Worker*~

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Belinda, that is horrifying!  I hope you are keeping yourself safe!  That thing about the knife is especially worrisome.  Whatever it takes to keep you safe - you are worth it.  We can't afford to lose you.  Please find someplace to go where he cannot find you.  And let us know how you are.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Hall2015 wrote:

... I worry that I will never be enough for him if we get married. 


Hi Hall,

I would think the question is will he ever be enough for you?  You can't make the call on the question you asked, but you are definitely the only person that can answer whether he is enough for you.  You have just now started to see the drama that unrecovered addiction problems can bring, if he doesn't enter some kind of recovery program it won't get any better, since addiction only gets worse without a commitment to recovery.

 

Kenny



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Thank you, Kenny. Very helpful perspective. Gotta ask the right questions!



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~*Service Worker*~

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Writing as a gay man AND an alcoholic...

That porn issue and skype with other men is NOT a drinking /drugging thing. He is most likely gay. Straight men do not do that. They might be more likely to look at female porn or cheat with women, but that still just makes it alcohol enhanced infidelity...and they would probably do it anyhow.

Back before coming out, part of my drinking was related to shame over my sexuality. I was so scared of being gay and what that meant that I would only engage in computer sex and such with men because I knew in my mind that real sex with a man would mean no looking back and that I was clearly just gay...which I am and am fine with now.  At first my desires made me so anxious I had to drink just to let myself be sexual with men. I am not trying to give advice but this guy has 2 giant issues that make him not ready to commit to a heterosexual marriage at this time. Addiction and way likely he is just a closeted homosexual.



-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 25th of November 2015 09:17:47 PM

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Pinkchip,

Thank you for your comments. That was also one of the reasons why I posted. Feels like it could have been manipulative to say that it is related to drug use. He is pretty adamant about it. Hard to know what is real and true and what isn't.

Thank you.



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~*Service Worker*~

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One thing that can and will work is to "unengaged" from the unacceptable relationship...or, as I was taught, own the consequences.  Prayers for your decision (((hugs))) wink



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