The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I came here looking for guidance nearly 5 years ago and then attended Al-Anon meetings briefly in my town but did not continue and I cannot remember why. Here I am now, 25 years in the same marriage with my AH and he has now started to change physically. He was a functional alcoholic for many years but it is starting to take its toll - mood swings, distended abdomen, sleep apnea, night sweats. My children are 17, 14 and 10 and I believe in my heart that they will watch him slowly kill himself with alcohol. He drinks daily now but secretively. My children know and I know when he is lying. I am working so hard at remaining detached and focusing on the kids and their needs, just trying to be present, really present for them.
I am here because I don't know what to do. I have read everything over the years. I know I didn't cause it, can't fix it.etc. The last real discussion about this with him was last winter when I asked him to see his PCP and have his liver checked. He of course did not.
But, detachment feels like inaction. I feel helpless. If it was just me that's one thing but my kids are collateral damage here and I feel like I can't do anything to save them.
I lost my father at a young age and I don't want this for them.
-- Edited by newleaf66 on Monday 23rd of November 2015 01:12:27 AM
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Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. The health effects of progressive alcoholism are very real. They happened to my AH and of course this affected me and our entire family. I do understand how worried you must be, and how you want to protect your children.
I've raised two children to adulthood, and over the years I came to realize that I could not protect them from everything that might cause them distress, I could not build a wall around them or take revenge on anyone that was unkind to them ... but I could focus on strengthening them so they could better cope with whatever comes their way. Once I felt confident that my children could cope with many situations, even bad/sad ones, I did not have to worry as much about them.
I wanted to protect my children from the effects of their father's alcoholism (there was no abuse, just attitudes, odd behavior, and then bad health) ... but that was like trying to hide the elephant in the room. They felt better when they could take action -- not enabling, but doing things that helped me and him in a positive way.
Is there an Alateen program where you live? Could you make it available to your children? That could be a way to give them the strength and tools to help themselves, while you focus on helping yourself. I wish you strength and serenity!
Welcome back and so sorry you are feeling responsible for your AH's physical deterioration, but as we learn in Al-Anon, you are not responsible. Place him in his HP's hands and I would pick up and go back to Al-Anon face to face meetings for yourself. Al-Ateen for your children would be a good decision as well. Wishing you peace.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Welcome back newleaf. We are powerless over people places and things so that developing a trust in a HP will allow you to keep showing up, living, one day at a time with compassion, empathy and love.
I agree with Debbie, the best you can do for yourself and your children is to return to alanon face to face meetings, pick up the principles and tools so as to re- learn about powerlessness and acceptance of life on life's terms.
Freetime, thank you for your response, I agree with you and have been trying to empower my children.
I grew up in an alcoholic home (my father gave up the alcohol but not the behavior) and it was walking on eggshells, quiet as mice, washed and in pajamas before he came home, do what you're told and quick - 1970's - and especially don't talk about what you are feeling.
I talk to the kids and give them space to talk. When he is himself, I tell their father that we are open (me and the kids) about his addiction and the kids are feeling helpless and scared. I do this not to give him guilt but to not allow any secrets or denial (except for the ones he brings in).
Debb, you are so insightful - I hadn't realized I was feeling responsible until you said it. Thank you.
Hotrod, thank you for the gentle reminders.
I will look into meetings today and offer them to my boys who are the teens. My daughter is 10 and I give her space to talk here too.
I cannot shield them and need to let go of the resentment that my partner has left me to parent alone.
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
newleaf66 - I too welcome you back. You've got some great input above, and all I can think to add is to just stay present as best as possible. For me, when my AH was active and my boys were aware, I tended to make things worse by adding stress with my worry about what was going to happen, when it was going to happen, etc. Projecting for my world and my life was such a waste of time/energy, and I didn't realize it until I did my 4th & 5th Step here how damaging that was to what we had today.
Hang in there - you are not alone and we're all just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
What a great discussion, and such helpful reminders. I am in a similar situation.
Freetime, and newleaf66, you both mentioned "They felt better when they could take action -- not enabling, but doing things that helped me and him in a positive way."
I would love some examples/ideas of things that empower children. My 2 sons are 12 and 10, and I am stumped about what helps without seeming like it endorses/ignores (denies) the drinking behavior.
Thank you - there is so much wisdom in this board - I am constantly in awe.
Iamhere - projection and fear is a waste of time, you are so right. I just finished reading The Power of Now and trying to be present - really present - may be the key to detachment for me.
Oceanpine - I teach my kids that no matter the relationship or situation, the only one we can control is ourselves. I also am honest about why Dad is grumpy, yelling or just unavailable physically or emotionally. When they ask if Dad has been drinking, I tell them yes, and it's too bad that he made that choice but he has to make the decision to change, we cannot do it for him. I just felt frightened and confused as a kid. I don't ever want them to think that any of this is their fault in some way,
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
Newleaf, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of empowering the kids. Anything they can do to help around the house that is age-appropriate would probably help them feel capable and yet not as if they have to take on the role of parents, just helpers. Being open and making sure they know they can ask you any question at all and it won't make you upset but you will answer honestly. Also talking about how you handle difficult situations, like "that person at work was driving me nuts, but I decided not to let it bother me." Or when they have a problem, helping them generate ideas on what they can do, but not rushing in to do it for them.
My situation was a bit different in that my kids were already adults by the time the alcoholism started creating crises for us ... and they were medical crises. Even then, I did not want them to have to get involved but they wanted to ... or in any case they stepped up. They did things like drive Dad to medical appointments, bring him things he wanted when he was in a care home, fix his computer, help me get him down the stairs and into the car for a trip to the emergency room late at night (I should have called an ambulance that time, but I was too embarrassed). My daughter even offered to take over dealing with Dad's doctors and the medical system, because after a couple of years of it I was becoming badly stressed. She's the one who explained to me that she felt better when she could know what was going on and take action, rather than stay home and worry about the unknown.
If there is one silver lining to the terrible dilemma of an alcoholic sick Dad, it is that the kids and I evolved to work as a team, and I really feel they are my superheroes.
It would be very helpful for the kids (they are old enough) to be involved in the face to face meetings and/or even Alateen if it is available. You can get the Alateen literature for them from within the meeting or on-line at Al-Anon.Org. Please do that so that they can get mentorship from other than the family who is deeply involved and also very sick. As a former Alateen sponsor and behavioral therapist I can tell you that when the kids get the message from other kids who have gotten the message they blossom so well and miracles are created. I also suggest you get back into your meetings to get the help you also need. Keep coming back often. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you Freetime and Jerry - great advice from both of you. I will definitely start floating the literature and books around the houseI don't know if my boys would be receptive to a group but you never know. They have both been to therapists and know that can tap that resource whenever it is needed. I intend to go myself, though (to AL-ANON). I know that it is time. I will post again after I've been to a few meetings. THANK YOU for the support - it was so needed and so so appreciated.
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Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
I don't know how active the Alateen board is here at MIP, you can check it out. My last open conference I met an 11 year old member of the Al-Anon family groups from Kona and she was recommended to the Family Group because the Alateen group had dwindled. She loved it and listening to her in conference I was with an equal as she revealed the maturity to sit with the elders. Alateen is a part of the Al-Anon Family Groups. We offer it by suggestion not by demand and then as always turn it over to HP (Higher Power). Blessings to you and to them. I remain in support with the rest of the MIP family, (((((hugs)))))
Watching our kids suffer while they watch a parent spiral into the depths of alcoholism is a difficult thing. I divorced my XAH a few months ago but now my 17 year old really sees what is going on with his father and it worries him so much. He comes to Al Anon meetings with me, he tried AlaTeen for a bit but didn't really like it so he just comes with me to meetings. He has a counselor and gets to express his concerns there, too.
I just keep the lines of communication open and I do the best I can to teach him about the disease. I give him resources, I tell him that we need to pray for his dad, and I try really really hard to NOT throw my ex under the bus. I know how hard it is to watch this both as a spouse and as a child, since my father was an alcoholic as well.
Hugs and lots of love and support to you and your children.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
So much good info here...I have a 14yr old and a 7 yr old. My 14 yr old refuses to go to alateen as she does better in one on one sessions. She went to a counselor for a while (at the height of our families crises) and got a lot of insight on the disease which has helped deal with our current reality but has not felt the desire to continue on. She is a pretty intelligent kid who is mature for her age so she gets it. I have learned that I dont have to dumb down or sugar coat things because of this but at the same time she is still only 14 so I just try to keep the lines of communication open so she doesnt turn inward.
My 7ry old however is another story. She knows daddy drinks a lot but isnt able to make the connection like my 14yr old has. As far as my 7 yr old is concerned she is a typical kid who loves her dad unconditionally and just wants everybody to be happy. I havent had a conversation with her about why her dad behaves the way he does. I think mostly out of fear she will share/comment on it at an inappropriate time ( like in a really long line at the grocery store!) as most kids tend to do! LOL. Any suggestions on age appropriate info/tools to share with her would be greatly appreciated.
Hopeful I have a sponsee in Al-Anon who when he came into the program had two young children he would not leave home with a drinking relative so he brought them. While there they kept busy partly with our literature and often by listening to the stories of their Al-Anon Uncles and Aunties. Today they are awesome individuals...one just starting college and one in the final years of High School. The understand the disease and all of the problems it has brought to their lives and the life of their alcoholic/addict mother who is often in and out of jail/prison, courts, rehabs etc etc. Our program works when we work it and sometimes just when we let it. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
