The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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boyfreind doing everything he can to get back with me even wants to marry me but when I asked to look at his cell ph. Cause it rings a lot he wouldn't let me.i told him we wasn't gonna work again cause we broke up over his cell ph. He would tell me it was one thing then when I snuck around and looked at it it was love notes from other women now he says it's not that if he let me look at it I'd make something out of nothing and that he stays with me and is doing great but Im thinking it's just a matter of time ,am I acting stupid? He says I am.i told him there should be no secrets between us and he says there's not but he is keeping a tight grip on that ph of his.allways gotta be his cell ph.im confused what do I say to him I love him so much and he says he loves me so much to.trying to make this work but feeling like he is already keeping secrets from me or maybe I would make something out of what he has on his ph.need esh plz...feeling drained already and yes he is a addict.thanks for letting me ramble on like always....hugs and I've missed you folks my bestie alanon freinds/ family in this world .
Lookingup, good to hear from you. Sorry you are in such an uncomfortable position. If I had to look at my AB's phone all the time, cause I did not trust him, then I probably would not marry him.
-- Edited by Debb on Sunday 22nd of November 2015 04:59:47 PM
-- Edited by Debb on Sunday 22nd of November 2015 05:00:08 PM
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Thank you for sharing. There is healing found here or locally in the alanon program. Prayers for your inner peace and serenity. I never found any serenity or peace when my focus was on what my husband was doing. I needed this program and the reminders to mind my own business. I am a student learning ongoing in this program that I'm powerless over others and what they are doing. My only power is with my hp and within myself.
-- Edited by karma13 on Sunday 22nd of November 2015 04:34:44 PM
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Hello Looking up Good to hear from you Missed your shares.
I believe that living with fear and distrust is very destructive to our mental health and peace of mind. Karma has pointed out , we are indeed powerless over others so that in taking the focus off them and back to our own well beingandd HP is the solution.
The Steps especially 4 through 11 helped me to let go of my anger, resentment, fear and self pity from the past so that i could be in the moment and the day. He will never be ale to convince yu to trust hism. Even if you were able to see his phone there would still be doubt.
It is nice he is interested in getting married There is no rush to do that . Keep dating , seeing each other and building trust-- then when you are ready decide.,
Hey LookingUp - good to see you! If I were you, I would re-read what you wrote as if you were a friend to yourself and then explore your options. For me, today, I would rather live and be alone than live with perpetual fear and mistrust. I also agree that if the relationship is meant to be, it will be and there is no need to be in any hurry to decide anything, just for today.
Keep coming back - we've missed you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
,am I acting stupid? He says I am ..just because He says it doesn't make it True (Truth) .. When I read these situations with relationships now, I think back .. I was there .. in it for over 13 years .. all the same .. it was what led me through the doors of alanon .. grateful I made it here .. Truth is looking .. everyone here can share experience but if you are like me I felt powerless to walk away .. (I had less power without alanon and its members) .. I was powerless because I 'felt like i'd known him my Entire life .. I did .. I Knew the behaviors ..
it's recommended to make no life changes for 6 months or preferably til after step 6 with a sponsor .. I hope you try some .. they may be the best thing you will ever do for 'you ..
For me if there was no trust there was no love...I cannot supply trust to my alcoholic addict and myself at the same time...not possible. Additionally when the alcoholic/addict discounted my love I wasn't in an equal relationship and it was easy for me to walk away because I needed fairness and she wasn't forthcoming. Walk away...suffer the early pains of missing her and keep walking. That is for me...thank you Al-Anon. She was a pretty fish and not the only one in the Ocean. ((((hugs))))
I agree that type of relationship is not worth it. I always say people who have nothing to hide ... Hide nothing!!! I am better suited in that type of relationship Jerry F. Is describing. There is a complete difference to someone wanting privacy (it usually has a timeframe) versus it being a behaviour to keep you mixed up and confused and second guessing yourself. Trust your gut and you will know!!!
I played the phone game and it was hard...even more so that when we met, I found out after that he saved me as another person (male) so his current lady didn't know it was me....like really.
I feel that anyone that plays games with their phone life is possibly playing games with their real life.
((Hugs)) I've learned to trust my inner voice lately. Don't doubt yourself!
I could've written this post myself. There is nothing wrong with you, and our ABF have a wonderful way of making us feel that its our problem if we bring things up. Im getting to this conclusion more and more and they are master manipulators....they are also very sick people and so Im also getting to the conclusion that sometimes this is the root of the behvaiour, othertimes its not.
Im stuck on the trust thing too and for me Ive decided to not check the phone anymore as its not going to change their behaviour one way or another and ive decided to try and get on with my life as best i can (which is hard at times) and to put the relationship on a day by day basis. Someone on here suggested that to me and to be honest, it was so hlepful for me.
I think for me its helped thinking that I dont have to make an instant decsion on anything and that the truth will come to me eventually and i'll know what to do at the right time. Just keep going day by day and try to focus on you. Ive found it hard to do that totally as im very new to al-anon, but im better than i was two months ago so can see some progress in myself however small.
I wish you luck and peace of mind and remember, there is nothing wrong with you at all. X
