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Post Info TOPIC: starting the divorce process


Senior Member

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Posts: 322
Date:
starting the divorce process


Well, its been a month since finding confirmation of my ah "drunken sex affair " as he called it thats apparently been on/off for 2 years. .With a family friend, under my nose. Needless to say . He vowed to.go to Recovery. . He went once, he started therapy, had me go and hasnt returned. Now the drinking cintinues with maybe a little less intwnsity but its no recovery and i dont think its his "botton". We finally had round one if div mediation. .two hrs and i think wegot custody fig out. Going back dec 2 to deal with mortgage, health insurance. Minor incidentals. . Then filing can happen and 17 years ends in 4-6 weeks. Merry Christmas. The hardest part is yet to come. I have told ah i want her to be told whats happening over thanksg break and then im moving to a friends. She will be with me 3 1/2 days. . Shes never been away from me for 24 hrs since the day she entered my life. .Telling her will be excuriating but i cant live this limbo fake way any longer. Ive been advised moving out is ok. . I cant keep her from him nor him keep her from me. Hes been decent but the anger and coldness in the home grows worse each day. I know our daughter senses it. One of the strange by products if thus is the realization of MY role as an enabler a codependent in all of this. . I have lued to.people, pushed family and friends away all inan attempt to keep the family in tact. . For what? Im struggling with feelings . .They overwhelm me at times. . I remind myself "feelings arent facts" on an hourly basis. . But this is just plain hard. Daughter was in her first school play tonigjt. Hus and i sat together. . He looking and acting squeky clea, me cringing inside. I havent worn my wedding rings in over a month. . Its just done but for her sake i fake it. But. . The div is proceeding. I found a text he wrote a a friend saying. .He will be glad to.have me gone due to my coldness and bitterness. . Yes, cuz its all me. . Wonder if that friend knows what its like to.wonder where ones husband is at 3 in the morning, or for a whole weekend, i winderif that oerson knows what its like to know ones husb had an affair 5 yrs ago. .Confessed and then started oartying even more as i walled myself away from the world. I wonder if that person knows that pictures confirmed my suspicions of an affair that has been going on under my nose. . I guess in the long run it diesnt matter. What matters is what know. I did NOT cause this, i i can NIT control it and I



-- Edited by Theoceancalls on Friday 20th of November 2015 08:52:26 PM

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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 322
Date:

I did not cause this i can not control it and i cant cure it. At this point i have got to.put one foot in front if the other and trust it will be ok. I cant imagine being away from my girl. . Its been 11 years. . Ikniw shes not mine to own but my heart breaks at the thought of her nit having mom home every night. Guess im just struggling a bit. Thanks to all of you fir your support and thoughts.

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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
Date:

(((DearTOC)))Thank you for the update. I know this is an extremely difficult time for you and your family and just wanted to say that I impressed with your courage , steadfastness and determination . HP is walking with you so please keep listening to the small voice within and keep coming back here for support.
Positive thoughts and prayers continue.


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

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Posts: 322
Date:

Tonight has been tough. I feel so out of place. Was hoping to sleep in my daughters room on her extra bed as i refuse to sleep.in my bedroom and hate our couch and the cushions on the floor just are getting old. Yet when i mentioned doing a sleepover in her room she went silent. This from a child who begs to sleep with me at least weekly when dad(ah) isnt home. It broke me up. I realuzed just what a mess this has all become. . For us all. She must be so hurt, confused and scrared. And in a few days im tellung her i wont be here every night to tuck her in. Ive been with this child every nite but a few for 11 years and im going to soon be telling her mommy is going to see you 3 1/2 days a week. How do i come to terms with that. How do i let go. I know this marriage us over. . It has been for a long time. .Ive stayed bc i didnt want to face the day that i realized would mean not kissing her and tucking her in every night and doing goofy morning rountines every morning to wake her up. Im angry. Im scared. Im hurting, im broken . . My life has spiraled to a place that has me feeling like i belong nowhere. I know it will Be better but right now it just simply hurts. And ive broken out in hives due to stress. I dont know what peaceful sleep.is and i know i still have uphill battles to climb. .

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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2200
Date:

A few thoughts came to my mind as I read your post TOC some of them are quite personal to me so take what you like and leave the rest as they say.

Well done on getting the divorce mediation underway. I know that it wasn't easy to get to that point and that it took a lot of strength and resolve on your part.

I don't know what 'that friend' knows or doesn't know, but it does not really matter (although I understand and relate to the thoughts that you are having - been there too!) I do know that we understand and that you are not alone.

Now here some feelings of my own that I have never told anyone when I was a little girl my parents separated. It was never, ever discussed and I just thought that my father worked away from home a lot. I remember a time when I knew 'something was up' and I remember feeling excluded and angry because I was blocked from the processes that were going on. I am sure that I probably seemed to reject my parents at the time but I get a sense that it was because I was feeling rejected and as if my own thoughts and opinions, and therefore self, didn't count for much. (I can see how that has shaped many things in my life btw!) Of course my parents were protecting me from some of the horrible things they were having to deal with but I didn't understand that. If I was that little girl again I think that I would appreciate it if I was reassured that it wasn't about me and I would appreciate being gently told what it was about; I would like to hear how much my mummy loves me and that she was always going to be there for me; I would appreciate my mother's understanding that I loved my father and that it was a nice thing that I felt that way; I would want to feel included and 'asked' as new plans were being made for our lives. I would appreciate my parent's helping me as I formed and adopted their choices as my own as well; My mother and my father's happiness would matter to me and whilst I would scream and shout at the time I know that I would come to understand and would appreciate being treated as a little person whose feelings mattered (can you picture the pout as as say that??!). Now these are just the musings of a middle-aged little child and that little girl is me. My thoughts are not really relevant to anyone else, but I'm sending them to you with love and if there is anything in them to help you then I would feel... gosh, I think I would feel relieved!!

You know better than anyone what your daughter needs. I'm sure that you might well cry together and perhaps she will have an opportunity to express her anger as well, which won't be easy for you I know. I'm not surprised that you are feeling stressed by the thought of it, but I can imagine that it will be cathartic and will help you both to understand and move forward.

Sending you huge (((((hugs))))).

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:

Im sorry its turned out like this for you ocean. You sound strong though and clearly seeing the reality of your life and its hard to see clearly and painful but its the beginning of making real changes that will make yours and your daughters life much better. Children are sensitive to whats going on you might find she knows whats going on and the changes have been needed for her too. Your a loving and caring mother and she will be ok because shes got you. It also sounds like your ah loves her very much too. I hope you get what you need and your healing can begin.x



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Veteran Member

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Posts: 25
Date:

Sounds like you are doing a great job being true to yourself and going forward with your decision to divorce.  I don't know if I missed something in your posts. Your husband has been having an affair for two years yet you are leaving the family home. Please don't misunderstand, I respect your decision to do whatever is right for you but in my humble opinion the home itself and it's location next door to this woman is not the problem. You have every reason to hold your head high in your neighborhood and continue to live in your home with your daughter. It seems he should be the one who has to find another place to live after his actions.

I'm sorry now that this will mean that you split your time with your daughter and she comes to a place that is not her home to visit with you.  ((((hugs)))) TT



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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 83
Date:

Hugs..one day,one hour,one minute at a time..you will get through this.

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Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 65
Date:

I am struck by how much your daughter has had to take on and am worried about her. Sleeping in her room puts her right up front in all this chaos and she really doesn't need that. She should be the one whose life is made as normal and comfortable as possible because she had no part in the problems you are facing. You and your husband need to make some difficult decisions on living arrangements and do so in timely and adult manner. I have been there, AH who had multiple affairs when my son was young and struggled within myself as to what to do, my decision was different from the one you have made but that was mine and only right for me. The one thing that I can say with pride is that my son was kept entirely out of the loop and had no idea what was going on. It was not his struggle but mine. No one expects or asks for these pitfalls that come in a marriage but in my humble opinion they are adult problems.

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Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 38
Date:

I just want to say be kind to yourself during divorce. I divorced fouryrs ago and it is one of the most difficuly life events...God bless you xuring this difficult time

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Lisa


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1661
Date:

Ocean, it would be very helpful to you and your daughter if she gets Al-Ateen and/or therapy at this time.

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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



Senior Member

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Posts: 322
Date:

I agree he should leave. .But our home sits atop a crazy driveway that is near impissible to.maintain in the winter. I no longer take comfort in this home. .She use to house sit, dog sit .shes been in our home goodness knows on what occassions im not aware of. .This whole environment just represents pain.



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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.

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