Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Sus · Veteran Member

Not sure if Al Anon is for me

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Sus
If you have been to 5 ot 6 alanon meeting and do not think that alanon has anything to offer you then I believe you are correct. We do not give advise in alanon, so that we suggest you try 6 different meetings to see if alanon is for you-- You have done as suggested and believe you cannot identify with the need. You do not say what the issue are in your relationship and why your partner is suggesting alanon. That might give us all a clue as to the benefits alanon can provide.
You describe yourself as a very healthy, happy person who has great tools to live by. I could have and did describe myself in like manner before I stepped out of denial and pretend mold and learned how to be honest with myself and others

Good Luck

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, im not surprised you feel this way. Its been used like a weapon against you. It was the best thing i ever did, get myself to alanon. Its a program of recovery that changed my thought processes from negative to positive. You say you are positive anyway, doesnt sound like your relationship is. What makes a happy, positive person stay in an abusive alcoholic relatiknship? Maybe alanon could help you explore more of you and answers might come for you.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I really don't know what I would have done if it were not for Al-Anon. It has
helped me so much, just to be able to focus on myself and not on my AH and
his drinking. Betty has it right, try Al-Anon for at least 6 meetings, then make
your decision. Glad you found us and hope to hear from you as to how you are
doing!

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP Sus....glad you found us and glad you decided to share.

Nobody but can decide what's right for your life. I did see somethings, and El-Cee above me picked up on them....there is a reason beyond fear that you stay and only you know what that may be. Nobody likes forced change and if you other half is shoving Al-Anon down your throat, I can see where it might be a turn-off.

Going to any recovery for another person never works. Recovery is a personal journey and I too found out a ton about me by joining Al-Anon and working the program. I am a wise, strong woman too - until I wasn't any longer. In my 'pre-disease days', I never would have tolerated name calling, lies, other betrayals, etc. yet with my qualifier(s), I lowered my values and the insanity became the norm.

One area we do give advice is abuse. If you truly believe you are in danger and stay out of fear of abuse, then you should seek assistance from any resource(s) necessary. You can engage the law and also get a restraining order - just some ideas.

Keep coming back - if you decide to keep exploring Al-Anon, wise folks told me to go with an open mind and look for the similarities vs. the differences in stories.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Sus,

You sound just like me a couple of years ago!!

I've learnt some good things in Alanon - but one of my favourites is that we really do have the freedom to choose what is best for us, day by day by day!

I also recognise that 'trying to break things off, but keep going back' scenario that you describe. I'm still trying to figure out what that one is all about.

I do, from experience, know that being scared in a relationship eventually wears a person down and it even undermined my optimism and judgement eventually. I really didn't see that one coming at me!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Sus and welcome to the board from this part of the Pacific. I won't give advice and we all ought not which is a principle suggestion by the Al-Anon Program. It took me two trips to the front door of the program before I sat down to take suggestions about how I would try it before deciding if it was good or bad for me. One of the things I know you have already heard within the program is "...If you keep and open mind, you will find help". I needed that condition mentioned to me because I had already determined as a oppositional defiant man that no one gets to decide of me. A lot of the fellowship suggest 6 meetings before deciding yet when I first got here they suggested 90/90...90 meetings in 90 days (I did 102) and I knew the reason for the 90/90 as it was as I learned the best way of changing and recreating habits. My way of living was habitual and I was doomed to repeat it over and over again unless I changed. I suggest you read your opening post again slowly and then reread how you describe yourself and your life in the opening. I am a former therapist and while you are not a patient you are now an MIP sister looking for solutions which we have here along with the experiences on how to arrive at them. Glad you showed up. (((((hugs))))) smile

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Hi Sus,

I just wanted to welcome you. The decision to go to Alanon meetings is only yours to make. Alanon is a program of self focus and recovery from the effects of alcoholism. Whether there is alcoholism in someone's family, friendships, romantic relationships or workplace it can be helpful to receive understanding and support from others who are having similiar experiences and knowing that our feelings are not labelled as "good" or "bad" and we are accepted. It's a place where we can share our feelings freely and know that our anonymity will be respected - what we share will not be repeated by others.

If you feel you are truly happy in your life as it is and with the choices you are making that's great. If you don't feel there is any value to continuing to attend Alanon meetings and you aren't getting much from the meetings, then whose feelings can you trust more than your own? Right? Thanks for sharing about your experience.

Wishing you the best. (((hugs))) TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 16th of November 2015 07:46:03 PM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not sure why your A (alcoholic) says he thinks you need Al-Anon, of course, and I'd get my back up too if someone tried to blame me for his problems and suggested Al-Anon would fix me.

What Al-Anon is for is to provide support and coping tools for those of us who care for an alcoholic. As you know, alcoholism causes chaos, and that chaos spreads to affect everyone around it. We get swept up into the insanity and lose perspective, so much so that sometimes we lose track of how distorted our thinking is. The alcoholic's "gaslighting" is so powerful that we sometimes question ourselves about what's real (is his drinking really as bad as I think it it? Do his suggestions have any merit? etc.). And sometimes we stay in the relationship even though it's become painful and dysfunctional. One danger is that if we are vulnerable to one person like that, we may be vulnerable to another one - as the saying is, sometimes our "picker" is broken. Al-Anon helps us understand how the dynamics work and gives us tools to protect ourselves in the face of the insanity.

But it sounds as if your A is misguided about what Al-Anon is for. Alcoholics typically blame their drinking on outside circumstances - "If you didn't do that, I wouldn't have to drink!" But Al-Anon is not about that. For one thing, Al-Anon has the three C's about alcoholism: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it." That's to us, the ones who aren't the drinker. What it is about is standing firm for our own health and serenity in the face of the alcoholism. It's not for the drinker or about the drinker. Dunno what mixed-up information your guy is working from!

I think a number of us tried Al-Anon in the early days, said "I don't think there's anything for me here, these people are not like me," and left. Then a number of us went back later and found that actually there was a lot for us and the people who seemed so unlike us were a lot like us after all. I went hoping for some kind of list of rules. There are the steps but they're not really a list of rules. And the tools and strategies aren't something you can just list in a row and solve the problem. You might try reading over the threads on this board and you will get an idea of the approach. If those don't seem helpful, maybe this is not the time for Al-Anon. If they do seem helpful, I hope you'll keep coming back. Whichever you choose, sending you good wishes!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

What al-anon did for me, essentially, was helped me take the focus off of my A partner (who REALLY demanded the center of attention at all times) and instead focus on ME and what I wanted and needed in the right now. It helped me to learnt to stand up to him and NOT give in to his demands too so I really don't know what your partner thinks al-anon is, lol.

And that made it much, MUCH easier for me to gain a perspective on whether I wanted the relationship or not, and on what terms if so.

So on that basis I'd say sure- give it a bit more of a chance but let go of the idea that you're there because HE told you to go (who cares about that, as Mattie says he really doesn't sound as though he has a clue what al-anon is about and if he really understood it he might beg you NOT to go lol!)

It's a pretty awesome resource, I often joke that it should be taught in schools, for everyone.

Anyway it's entirely up to you but I think you might find benefits if you stick around, whether you stay with him or not

Sus · Veteran Member

Thanks.

Sus · Veteran Member

Wow.. thanks everyone for such a wonderful replies. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. I think I might hang around here for awhile

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Sus - we're a family and you're welcome to the family!

Keep coming back - a journey of self-discovery for any reason is a trip worth taking....(((hugs)))

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I so agree! Look forward to hearing more from you

Sus · Veteran Member

You guys are great. I've gotten more out of this forum in one day than I have at any of the 5 or 6 meetings I've attended. It funny, my A and I are going to couples counseling...again at his insistence. The therapist told me privately that it is kind of ironic that my A is pushing Al Anon when its my Al Anonic personality that tolerated him. It seems to all be a control thing for him and its only causing me to resent him. I feel like he should accept me for the wonderful person all my friends and family say I am. Going to a meeting tonight.. Thank you all for being there!

Sus · Veteran Member

Oh....probably important to mention. Prior to my current 1 year relationship with a recovering alcoholic, I was married to a practicing one for 20 years... Bad choices???!!!

cspwil · Member

Sus,
I totally understand how you feel. I used to be exactly like you I thought my husband is the one with the problem why do I need to go to a group like what could I possibly get out of it. Well after going through numerous relapses and constantly being verbally abused and being made to feel no good enough I decided well let me try this al anon thing. Honestly this has been a life saver for me. I have learned tools that help me get back to feeling whole and sane again. You should give it a try and after attending meetings and posting some things and getting feedback then make your decision if it is for you. You learn a lot about alcohol, the disease and there are a lot of people that you can relate to so you don't feel alone. Give it a shot I think you will be surprised with all the great things you learn and wonderful tools you learn to get back to having your serenity.

Sus · Veteran Member

Thanks cspwil. I feel like I have my serenity when I'm not with him. I need to find the courage to end it for good with him. Maybe I can find the courage necessary through Al Anon. I really appreciate everyone's posts and support

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Sus you're gonna want to look at that issue of going from one alky to another because it does have meaning at least to me. Why did I do it?...many reasons only one of which was that I loved being and feeling needed and boy are alcoholics and addicts with in that category. Keep coming back. smile

cspwil · Member

oh jerry is that the truth... I couldn't help but laugh when you said that alcoholics make you feel needed and wanted....that was kind of my deal too lol

Sus · Veteran Member

Thanks Jerry....yes I think that is a big issue for me. My choices in relationship. I think you're a good friend to have

Dave2554 · Veteran Member

While I didn't go from one to another ... I know exactly what it was that drew me to my wife ... she was FUN! That is ... until she just wasn't anymore.

Sus · Veteran Member

Hmmmm...I actually wish he needed me less. I think for me its more of a self esteem issue. He seems to have no other focus in life besides me. He's retired so doesn't do anything all day. He wants to be with me every free moment I have. I work full time so I never really get any time to myself. I can't seem to say NO when I don't really want to see him because then he gets defensive and I'd rather not deal with that side of him so I just go along with what he wants.

Sus · Veteran Member

I hear you Dave....they can be exciting but in the wrong way.

Sus · Veteran Member

This is why I like this forum rather than meetings. At meetings they don't respond to your shares so you don't really get a feel for what others see in you that maybe you are missing

Dave2554 · Veteran Member

Sus wrote:
This is why I like this forum rather than meetings. At meetings they don't respond to your shares so you don't really get a feel for what others see in you that maybe you are missing

I hear you. I'm not sure what the meetings are like that you attend, but most of the ones I go to here there is usually a period of fellowship after the meeting where people will chat informally afterwards. When I first started going to meetings I got there a minute before they started and left a minute after they were done. When I started to show up a little sooner ... and stay a little longer ... and enjoyed the fellowship that accompanied a meeting, I found more of this kind of dialogue in the discussions. I also have my sponsor and some close AlAnon friends that also can provide some of that perspective as well. I find them both to be excellent sources of E S & H ... that are nice compliments to one another.

Sus · Veteran Member

Jerry hit nail on the head. My A is a classic gaslighter. He's extremely intelligent which makes him extra manipulative and extra convincing that's he's right and I'm the crazy one who needs fixing. But I'm holding tight to my identity and that threatens him so he verbally beats me down and almost has me convinced that everything is my fault....almost

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Maybe with a little more time attending in person Alanon meetings, you'll see some new and positive changes in yourself that motivate you to keep working Alanon. It does take time to understand some of the very helpful slogans and tools of the program and how to apply them daily in our lives. They really can be life savers.

As far as your past marriage and your current relationship with alcoholics, in my humble opinion we are ALL in 12 step programs due to our own unhealthy choices and behaviors. I'm not an alcoholic but I exhibited behaviors that made me incapable of attracting healthy people. For sake of clarity... I attracted all sorts of unhealthy people and coincidently some were alcoholic. I like what this program has done for me. I feel healthier in my thinking and choices because of it. It's opened my mind to things that would not have otherwise been possible had I not participated. Primarily, I learned over time that I had a problem and that problem wasn't the alcoholic or any other unhealthy person who I'd invited into my life, the problem was with me.

It's easy to label alcoholics as the problem. Get rid of the A, you get rid of the problem. Not really. Without a program, I would continue to exhibit unhealthy behaviors, attract, cultivate and feed upon insanity and misery making. It takes many forms other than alcoholism.

In person Alanon meetings are filled with recovering alcoholics and I'm as grateful for their experience, strength and hope shared at Alanon meetings as that of non-alcholics and I feel especially honored and even humbled when they ask me to sponsor them.

This Alanon site is owned and operated by a recovering alcoholic who is a member of the Alanon program. This is not a breach of anyone's anonymity. It's a fact that is openly shared at this site.

My experience from coming back over and over again to Alanon is that recovery can and does happen in both the Alanon program and AA program.

Alcoholics are not the problem in relationships. Lack of recovery in the Alanon family group or Alcoholics Anonymous program or both is the problem.

Recovery attracts recovery. TT

Sus · Veteran Member

Thanks TT....I appreciate your experience

Sus · Veteran Member

So basically....the average person could benefit from Al Anon whether or not they have been affected by another's addiction? It's like free therapy

ceewi · Veteran Member

Sus wrote:
I'm a very happy person with a very optimistic outlook on life. I appreciate and am grateful for all the wonderful things life has to offer. I have no resentments and don't blame other people for things that happen in my life. I've been in a rocky relationship with a recovering alcoholic for a year. He has anger and control issues and becomes verbally abusive if I don't say or do exactly what he thinks I should. He is trying to convince me that I'm the one with the problem and that I need Al Anon. What for? To learn to accept his abuse? I've tried to break it off with him but he thinks he owns me and badgers me until I'm so tired of the badgering that I give in and get back together with him. I guess essentially he scares me. He shoved Al Anon down my throat regularly. I don't think our problems have anything to do with Alcoholic and Al Anonic. This is a pattern with him and many previous relationships. I know Al Anon is not about giving advice but I really need an opinion on if I sound like someone who needs Al Anon because I've been to abou 5 or 6 meetings and don't think it's for me. Thanks

I remember many years ago when my ex-husband was in rehab..they suggest Al-anon..I looked at them like..umm he's the addict not me lol For me personally al-anon saved my life..Flash forward 20 years and I'm back again..because I need a refresher on what I learned the first time around..

Sus · Veteran Member

Thanks ceewi. I'm here looking for inspiring posts. I really appreciate everyone's input. I'm certain I could benefit from the camaraderie of the meetings, certainly there are things about me that could be improved but I'm skeptical about my "need" for Al Anon. I feel like my life is good and I'm happy when my A is not trying to control me and tell me what to do. I feel like our relationship issues stem from his abusive and controlling father and my mother being "in charge" and my father letting her

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Sus, No one can convince you that alanon is for you-- It is a difficult discipline that is by no means learned over night and must be practice diligently It is also a spiritual program and although I feel very close to my alanon friends I do not socialize with them except on special occasion.

In program, I learned to take charge of my only life,not to blame others for my choices or action,and to shed any resentments and misguided ideas from the past.

Alanon suggested that I utilize the program tools and stop analyzing situations, looking to blame or "understand" . Instead I could examine my own motives so I could understand myself and If I discovered anger, resentment self pity and fear dwelling within then it was my job to dispel it .

Sus · Veteran Member

Thanks hotrod. those are great rules to live by!

Sus · Veteran Member

I feel like I'm losing my sense of self because if I don't do what he wants me to do, he badgers me until I do. So I'm doing things that I don't want to do because I'm afraid of his reaction if I don't.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I felt the same way Sus, my AH would throw tantrums if I did, or said what he did not want.
Now he doesn't bother, because I refuse to be in his company if that is the way he is going
to act. I leave the room, the house or say this conversation has become unacceptable and
end it. It was not easy, but when the tantrums begin, it is their way to manipulate and
I will not accept being manipulated anymore.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Sus,if you feel as if you are losing your" sense of self", then alanon has powerful tools that could benefit you.

Sus · Veteran Member

Thanks Debb.... I'm relieved to hear that my A is not the only one who has tantrums! He has tantrums over the smallest things. Most recently I ignored his tantrum and just went about my business as if it didn't bother me. He stayed in tantrum mode until he finally realized I wasn't going to respond and then acted normal. But the tantrums are so unappealing to me, I lose some love and respect for him each time he behaves that way. Would he want to be with a woman who behaves like that? Certainly not. But yes, your advice about ignoring does eventually work! I used to not be able to just ignore it and would react so I'm making progress

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

I have tantrum throwers too! The tantrums happen far less frequently here now as I just choose to walk away, ignore them or do something else until it ends. With the Al-Anon program, I allow them to do what they want/need to do and stay on my side of the street. I love the freedom I have acquired in learning/understanding/embracing that relationships are not fairy-tales. They are hard work and not always or often perfect. I have become self-reliant in my happiness, joy and peace - the best gift of all....

Good luck Sus with your choice(s)....I do a small amount of socializing with program friends - just depends what's going on.

Sus · Veteran Member

Thanks Iamhere.... Ignoring the tantrums is best and hopefully they will stop. He was insisting on being with me every moment of my free time and would become emotionally abusive if I didn't want to see him for one evening. Lately I've stood my ground on needing "me" time and so far no tantrums or abusive behsvior! He is retired and does nothing all day so he has "me" time all day everyday. I work full time and he is normally at my house when I get home from work and all weekend! Its stifling... We've only been together a year I still need space.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene