Welcome to MI Cc55, Iamhere gave you the best advice! Joining an Al-anon group would be
the best thing you could do for yourself. We have two meetings a day here on this website
as well. Working the 12-steps has proven, to me, to be the best thing I could have ever
done for myself, a real life changer. I do not have children who are alcoholics, but my husband
is and Al-anon has given me my life and sanity back. http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting
You are not alone, please keep coming back to talk with us.

 

Whether I contact mine or not depends on my attitude and his condition.  If I know he's been drinking or using I make no contact at all.  If he is sounding human and respectful I may.  Just because they are not drinking doesn't give us guarantees of anything and the program doesn't give us guarantees either.   When I came to understand my part in the disease and that I had no control over it I never again went after solutions by just reacting.  I needed to remember what it was like, what happened and how it came out after.  I don't enable today by holding him to the consequences of his choices...and that causes him to think twice before contacting me if he has been drinking or using or both.   Good Post.   Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))

My younger son (29) lives several hours away and he's not the most communicative person, so I rarely have any insight into whether or not he's using, or drinking, or homeless, or depressed, or jobless, or dealing with some other situation. About a year ago I finally was able to detach with love and I no longer enable him with money or advice - I don't understand why, but the "white tornado" of anxiety regarding my son that was always swirling inside my head has now subsided, at least most of the time - I still love him very much, it pains me that the disease is controlling him right now, and I am still hopeful that he will find a better path, but I can't put him on any other path, just like not one thing that I did while I was enabling him made a bit of difference in his life.

I do send him texts occasionally (he has no phone), letting him know that I am thinking of him, that I care about him, that I love him - sometimes I get a response, sometimes not.

It's terrible, but it's the way it is for now - I don't wanna over emphasize the impact that his situation has on me - I am pretty sure that he is suffering a lot with this disease - for me, the rest of my life is really pretty good - I go to a lot of meetings, I call Al Anon friends frequently, and I stay busy - I can't fix him, but I can work on me - LOL, there's lots of work to do.

Stay strong and pray for guidance and strength (Step 11).

Reading all your posts is really helping me.

presently I am struggling with ....enabling detachment and love re my son who now lives away from home.

have been His Caregiver for 17 years ...he has been in and out of rehabs but very soon gets back to drinking and drugs.What compounds matters is that he is on meds for mental illness too.

How much and how little shall I do or just wait for him to reach out.

i am sad anxious and fearful.

My (addict, alcoholic) son and I have always had a close relationship. Even when I was enabling, we were very close and talked a lot! He was always a sweet and loving child ( GREAT LIAR TOO haha ). Now that I have "wised up" and stopped the cash flow, he calls less. I know that's partly because I have learned to say NO and also because he wants to avoid hearing my "message". I've drawn my "line in the sand" and will only help if it leads to getting treatment. I still worry a lot!! I have a plan in place with rehab options, as soon as he shows any small willingness, I'm ready to take advantage of the opportunity and get him back in treatment.

I love you even if I don't love your choices.... So beautifully put..exactly how I feel re my son but was unable to understand the distinction.

Thanks so much to those that contributed to this thread. This morning, sad and anxious after not hearing anything from my adult son for several weeks now, I REALLY needed to read this message thread again - strength comes in mysterious ways, and reading this message thread gave me the strength I needed to knock back my anxiety - I'll be going to an Open AA meeting later this morning, and I always enjoy hearing those in recovery talk about their journey - it gives me a sense of how difficult it can be to start that journey, and how difficult it can be to stay on the right path. I typically walk out at the end of the meeting with a sense of hope - hope that what has worked for so many alcoholics and addicts can work for my son, too.

I'm usually able to manage the anxiety with exercise (in addition to Al Anon), but my back has been acting up (bulging disc and sciatica) so my exercise activity is limited - now that I think of it, a nice walk by myself, talking with God, is just what I need - see ya later !

LOL, the walk was, as always, wonderful - while I look forward walking each day with my Special Somebody, there's something really special about walking alone and talking with God - in fact, I, too, asked God for the power to get through today - JUST TODAY - I also asked Him to show my son a better path and keep him safe - my God wants us all to be happy and healthy, and He gets sad, too, when one of us strays off the best path for us - but God has ways that I can't even imagine of helping us get back on the right path - our free will often gets in the way, but God keeps trying in ways that I will never fully understand - He loves my son, too, maybe even more than I do - after all, God just "loaned" my son to me - my son was, is, and always will be God's creature - even now, I believe that God is working overtime to help my son get on a better path.

Thanks for the helpful, supportive words, Iamhere - they are more help right now than you'll ever know.

TY Shakti - I just try to give back as best I can.....others lead me when I was 'young and dumb' in the program and I am forever grateful!

Have a great evening - off to bed!

Puppy - your story gives me hope that my son will turn his life around - thanks very much.

I dont get online very often but it is such a blessing to come back and read these other stories.
I had a good chat with my so the other day. He seems to understand his condition so much more these days and despite still falling into same old patterns he rises up out of them some how with new views and understandings. It helps me to be so much more hopeful that he just maybe on the path of recovery, even in a small way. Its at least something!
I keep stepping away, I know this is for the best yet we are deeply loving within it....
I actually feel blessed with my own journey of finding addiction and how so much of it is a I feel a spiritual illness and how deeply t connects me to my own spiritual path
Bless you all and may the force be with you! Together we are so much stronger Xx

Shakti - I'm in a similar situation - the pain of knowing my son is in a bad place for now is almost always with me, mostly in the background, but still there most of the time - I've accepted that as "the way it is", at least for now - I believe that it's due to him being sick, having a disease, and making bad choices - I don't believe that it's "God's will" for him to be sick, or that my son is "right where he needs to be right now" - the loving God I believe in doesn't subject people to horrors like this disease - He does send people to help those that are suffering - that's where you, and me, and Al Anon come in.

When I hear from or see my son, I have to be careful about conversation topics - nothing like "How are you doing" that could lead to a litany of his terrible situation - I avoid positive topics like "I believe in you" because he's specifically asked me to avoid the "happy times stuff" - so I do.

I tell him that I love him every chance I get - I listen to him - my son also has depression symptoms, so I have let him know that if he decides to seek treatment, that I'd pay for a therapist and prescribed medications - that may not be "Al Anon pure", but that's my decision - it works for me.

Some fine Al Anon folks have decided to sever contact until their loved one gets sober, or until their loved one has a year of sobriety behind them - if that works for them, so be it - remember, we are here to take care of ourselves.

What I'd suggest is to increase your prayer activity, focusing on Step 11's guidance - "praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out" - I like keeping it simple, and that's pretty simple - the guidance you seek will come - LOL, maybe in a way that you'd never expect.

Remember, your son is sick - what helps me is to hold on to the belief that there's still a small part of my son that's struggling against this disease - there's a part of my son that loves me, a part of him that hates being the way he is right now, and a part of him that is waiting for the right circumstances to start getting better - maybe that'll be a miracle ("Expect a Miracle") - maybe that'll be him hitting his bottom, maybe that'll be some set of circumstances that'll come together to make the environment right for him to start getting himself better - I don't know, but whatever happens, it's out of my hands - I already have plenty of hope - I continually ask for greater faith.

There IS hope. I could have written the same letter a few weeks ago. My 36 yo son almost died from alcohol poisoning. He was laying unconscious on the street when some good person called 911 and the doctors were able to save him. He says his BAC was over .4.

Almost losing his life was the impetus for him to seek help. He is now in a sober-living facility and has begun treatment. I admit I had stopped praying for years until he got really bad and I was really scared for him. I began praying and asked my friends to join me and before long I got a message from his friend telling me he was seeking help.

I stayed in contact with him throughout the years as much as he would allow. I never gave up on him but I refused to talk to him when he called drunk. I asked family members not to supply him with drinks at family get-togethers which made him very unhappy with me. But now that he hasn't drank for a month or so we are back on good terms. I just have to be very careful what I say, as the above poster said. I let him tell me what he wants to and don't ask any questions that might be interpreted as prying.

I know the feeling of having that dark cloud of worry about him always there. I have even caught myself feeling guilty when I was happy or enjoying myself because I was sure he was suffering physically and emotionally. I am still worried, if he decides to walk away from the treatment he will be right back where he was six weeks ago when he almost drank himself to death. I am still praying night and day that he grabs onto this opportunity for help and isn't swayed when times get tough.

at 35 years my son is still very much up and down, I have recognised finally that he really does have to 'fall' every now and again so that he can begin to see the pattern he is in. and its true, each time it happens he becomes a bit more aware of what is going on. Ive started to see his 'failings' as gifts in a strange sort of way. They are getting shorter, he is waking up and sharing these problems much more with us. Its taken a long time and I know it is not over but there is light beginning to shine....I just pray he stays alive to embrace that light when it is finally here!

-- Edited by Cc55 on Friday 20th of November 2015 02:13:19 AM

-- Edited by Cc55 on Friday 20th of November 2015 03:36:46 AM

The only way for me to Let Go and Let God when it comes to my boys is to embrace this program upon awakening, and then each and every time that fear, sadness or negative thinking begins to return. I have to remind myself that to detach doesn't mean to ignore, or to stop loving them. I must stay in the day, in the moment and pray or talk away (sponsor or trusted friend) any projections, because the future is unknown.

It's not easy but it's possible with continued efforts to mind my own business and focus on what's working in my life and all the gifts that I receive. I do not believe in coincidences, so can easily find things to be grateful for if I sit quietly and consider my life. Lastly, a seasoned member told me a long time ago that I was acting as if God had grand-children.....which he doesn't. She went on to say that each time I worried about the unknown, I was trying to take my power back and insert my will. This truly helped me as I do believe my HP, God, has a plan for each of us.

(((Hugs))) to all - we are not alone, which also brings me comfort and joy!!!

Let's do that turn things over to the Hp .

today I virtually hold your hand as a mom in equal distress and Decide to turn my will Over to Him.

Shakti wrote:

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I love you even if I don't love your choices.... So beautifully put..exactly how I feel re my son but was unable to understand the distinction.

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 Beautiful. . I think I'll make this my mantra. .I love this man but smh..thank you 

"Thanks Yankee-that really helped me today!" - Hi Thorn - after all of the Experience, Strength, and Hope others on this board have shared, insights that have literally saved my life several times over,  it is so gratifying to hear you say that something that I said helped you today - thank you so much for saying that.

We are all on this road together, and while no one can put anyone else at the end of the road in the "land of a perfect life", if I can help someone make one step on the road a bit easier, I'm a happy guy - you made my day - hope you have a good one, too!