It's my opinion that interventions are a waste of time and may even make things worse, because the alcoholic will get his/ her defenses up. Jesus couldn't even preach in his own town, so I know my words are powerless over any alcoholic. The alchoholic will get sober when and if they are ready and not a second before. My best bet is to continue to work on me and my life, hobbies, etc. It is heartbreaking to watch the ones we love hurt themselves, our best tool is to work a good program ourselves.

Thanks to you both for the responses. I kind of figured along these lines, but wanted a second opinion. Guess the "bottom" it will have to be for them. Ugh.

And thanks for the warm welcome, Iamhere. I appreciate it. I feel like shit right now, watching what's going on. But it's good to be here. I already attend an in-person ACA meeting during the week. So, my Al-Anon activities will have to be online, I guess.

Thanks again, all.

-- Edited by Bonnie8765 on Wednesday 30th of September 2015 07:42:52 PM

 

 

I'm with daze also because when the person is aware of their problem usually from experience having the family and friends come forward with their perceptions and needs makes the intervention that much more effective.  Usually they don't work if the alcoholic and or addict is in denial.  I use to be a clinical behavioral health therapist and have done some interventions.  I cannot remember any real long lasting results.   Don't stop this from you trying...they are expensive.   ((((hugs))))) keep coming back. 

Thank you daze, Jerry F and Jazzie18 for your feedback.  It's enlightening to hear as many perspectives as possible in tricky situations like this.

Well, it seems his father plans to come from out of town and have something of an intervention with my son, regardless. I don't know if it's such a good idea, but it sounds like it's going to happen whether I like it or not. Hope it doesn't do more harm than good. I don't want this to be lecturing or shaming, that never works for anyone (definitely doesn't work for me, lol).  But, his dad feels compelled to do this out of concern, so I will support it to the best of my ability.

I really like your idea, Jazzie18, of having a close friend of the family who has longtime recovery experience be present. I have a little time. I will try to locate such a person. I think my son would respect that.  Since my husband and I are not in AA, such a person could add a perspective that we haven't lived.

I am considering what you're saying daze and Jerry F, and it does seem logical that there would be a "spectrum" of where someone's at in terms of degree of denial. It puts me in mind of the "Stages of Change" model that's popular in recovery counseling. If I were to estimate where he's at, I would say somewhere between Contemplation and Preparation, and that he's been hovering there for about maybe 2 or 3 years, really. But, it never progresses to any actual action, just returns to the same behavior. But there does seem to be hope: the last alcohol-related altercation he had before this one, he called his dad crying afterward; and in this past incident, he called his dad again saying he knows he needs help, but doesn't know what he should do. For some reason he's very resistant to AA and counseling. That's the denial that still sticks, that he can "fix" this himself, and doesn't need help. Yet, time and again, his alcoholism keeps showing him how unmanageable his life is. But yes, from the looks of it, it seems he's part of the way there, wouldn't go so far as saying, "over 1/2 way there" just yet.

Thank you all for your input. It really helps. I feel relieved. I also met with my ACA sponsor today for our regular meeting, and her insights helped a lot too. Mostly, it's just good to know I'm not in this alone. I never thought I could feel serenity in the midst of the virulent effects of alcoholism, but I do. Couldn't have done it without people like you.

A million thanks.

-- Edited by Bonnie8765 on Thursday 1st of October 2015 04:45:19 PM

-- Edited by Bonnie8765 on Thursday 1st of October 2015 04:46:15 PM

-- Edited by Bonnie8765 on Thursday 1st of October 2015 04:47:12 PM

-- Edited by Bonnie8765 on Thursday 1st of October 2015 04:48:18 PM

Oh Bonnie you are definitely not in this alone. Please let us know how everything works out with your son and his talk with his father. It is good that he has admitted before that he has a problem so he is not 100% in denial about how unmanagable his life has become. If the talk goes well definitely have a plan for him afterwards. I am not sure how far along your son is in his disease but my AH tried to detox at home and made it about 3 days before I had to bring him into the ER to finish off his detox. I will say it was very eye opening for us. Me not knowing the full extent of his alcohol abuse and for him how sick he got. The Dr. told him he could have died if I hadn't forced him to seek help at the ER. Very scary. I pray everything goes well.

Jazzie18, thank you for the tip about contacting AA.  That's a great idea.  Yeah, I'm really not sure how far along his body is in terms of toxicity.  That would be interesting.  I have heard people can die just from the detox process, if not done under a doctor's supervision.  These are all great points you've made.  It is such a relief to communicate with people who have walked down this horrible path.  I will keep you posted.

JerryF, I love that visualization of raising the problem to HP, and then being empty-handed.  It's powerful.  I meditate regularly, and will give that a try during one of my sessions.  That's a beautiful gesture.  

Thanks. 

-- Edited by Bonnie8765 on Wednesday 7th of October 2015 11:20:34 PM

Things are not going well. Yesterday, in a drunken state, my son shot and killed his dog of eight years. I wasn't home when it happened. The dog gets agitated when he and his friends get agitated. I am so disgusted with him, I am ready to call the police and have him arrested. I have no where to turn because my husband's entire family either drinks, or is otherwise dissociated from reality (heavily into religion, etc.). They like to cover things up. I am appalled, but apparently the only one who is. I feel like I live in the Twilight Zone, I really do. Things are going from bad to worse. My daughter just started college and is worried for my safety. I would rather her focus on her studies, but I would be worried for my mother too, if I left home for college and my mom lived in such circumstances. This is just sickening.

I won't be meeting with my ACA group for another two weeks, and I don't have a sponsor yet, so you guys are my group conscience sponsor for now. I have no money at the moment to get my cell phone turned on again, so I am really isolated at the moment. The intervention "talks" were attempted 3 times, and not done. My husband is ideally all for a talk with our son. But, when he gets here, he acts like everything's OK. I realized the depth of his need to enable our son, for whatever reason. I have asked him to at least not have any sort of drink with him, not even a beer. He says he won't, but then when I'm not there, he does. My husband has as much a problem as our son. I think he feels threatened that an intervention will mean he will have to look at his own drinking habits, and how he may have modeled in the past the behavior my son is exhibiting now. 

I read back over this thread. I have already given this to a Higher Power. But, that doesn't seem to be enough.

Thank you for listening. That's all I wanted, someone to listen.

-- Edited by Bonnie8765 on Saturday 21st of November 2015 07:57:24 PM

-- Edited by Bonnie8765 on Saturday 21st of November 2015 09:32:09 PM

Bonnie,
My hubby had an intervention via police officer who gave him a DUI. Then he had his brother (who attended AA for 10 years) get him out of jail and take him for 'the talk'. He quit drinking. He was on the verge of losing his wife and family. He lost his job because of the DUI... he was driving a company car at the time.

With an intervention you have to have something to hold over their heads. Usually the family is not enough. Everybody is different as to where their bottom is. Some don't hit bottom until death. Some lose their job, their freedom, their health, their families.... we (and probably they) don't know what has to happen to finally get them to quit.

So sorry Bonnie for what you are going through. I can relate to your mention of the twilight zone. Hopefully you can find some where else to go either permanent or temporary to step away from the chaos. It's hard to be 'in the threnches' with the craziness, so you've got positive thoughts and (((hugs))) coming from my part of the world.

Hang in there and try to stay in the moment.

Thank you JerryF and Iamhere. The virtual hugs mean so, so much to me right now. I don't have a mom and dad anymore, and I was just sitting here thinking of who I could call and see tomorrow that's like a mother and/or father figure to me. My uncles/aunts are all either drunks, dead from drinking, or dry drunks with all kinds of emotional issues. Just upstanding pillars of the community. Same with my husband's family (and him). I want nothing to do with any of my relatives.

Yeah, he was a good dog. I felt his spirit sit next to me this morning while meditating. That's when I figured out he was dead. I carved his name into a candle, and created a little shrine for him in my room. I lit the candle and let it burn for a while, talking to his spirit. In my culture we speak to our ancestors, so I had a good cry and I felt like they listened. I read through my Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) literature to help me ground and balance . I read through my journal, thinking about all the victories and gaining of awareness and insight I've experienced this year through ACA, and a lot of prayer, doing Step work, etc. I didn't allow myself to dissociate on the computer, or in music, or some other distraction. I felt my feelings, which is a big step for me (I have really bad PTSD from a violent upbringing --it's beginning to seem like my dad reincarnated into my son, I swear).

The thing is, my son loooved that dog. He was so insistent we all take care of him just so. He used to take him for walks, buy all kinds of stuff for him. To see him hate the dog like that is just, I can't describe it. He's another person, really really far from his true self. He seems to have a lot of self-loathing, and it wouldn't surprise me, for some reason, if he actually hurt himself sometime soon. Ironically, he's doing really well at work, the best he's ever done at any job. He made Employee of the Month a few months ago. Now, management has him training people, and I think will probably off him some kind of management position before long. So, of course, there's all the "functioning alcoholic" justifications at play.

Thanks for listening.