The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to the forum, however not so new to dealing with a recovering alcoholic. As a little bit of background, I began my relationship with the RA in my life two years ago. It was my first experience dealing with an alcoholic, recovering or otherwise. What an experience. In two years' time, I've spiraled into severe depression, including self-harming, and my self-esteem has gotten so low that I fear that I won't be able to find myself again. Our relationship has been very tumultous. It did not start off the way a relationship should, with dishonesty on both sides. Eventually we tried to move past that and continue growing from the experience as a couple. We ended up moving in together last December, and two weeks ago, I found out I am pregnant with his child.
In the two years that I've been dating him, he has broken it off with me on average, I'd say every other week. Instead of talking about our problems, he would shut down, not talk to me at all, or if he did, he would say every mean and hurtful thing he could think of. Two days later, he'd come crawling back, apologizing, saying he will try to be a better person. I suppose I've gotten used to the routine and that is why I've stuck with him. It's gotten progressively worse in the past few months and when he found out I was pregnant, he freaked out. After a few days, he seemed to be okay with everything, even helping me to pick out baby names. He suggested joint counseling for us, which I fully supported. I think he may be bipolar, but he refuses to get medical attention for it. Yesterday, he broke it off with me and told me to pack my stuff. Since there is now another being involved with our relationship, I took him seriously and have begun packing my things. I can't help but hold out hope. I need help from anyone with experience with this same type of thing to advise me on whether it's worth another try providing there's stipulations put into place (i.e. counseling, medical attention, no yo-yo'ing on moods or relationship status), or if it's just a lost cause. Of course, I want the father of my baby to be involved with the process and the child's life, but if he is not willing to change and grow up, then I don't want to deal with it anymore.
If it's not a plausible option, I need hope that everything will be okay. I do not think I can handle this and I feel completely lost and heartbroken. Please help!
Welcome to MIP LAF, thank you for sharing and glad you found us! There is a saying, that when in doubt, don't. Can you participate in a local Al-anon meeting, you would get the support of face to face membership support that would be so good for you right now. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings We cannot advise you as to what you should do, but we can support you and help you with your recovery to sanity, peace and dignity. You are not alone, please keep coming back.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but glad you have found us.
I too was pregnant when I found out that my A was drinking again (I had thought he was in recovery) - and the up-and-down crazy roller coaster is very familiar to me. It is painful beyond painful, I know.
I had great hope and that carried me farther than it should have, because I was ignoring the reality. My experience now is that without actively working a program of recovery, which also means attending to issues like bi-polar, people will not get well or change for the better. They have to want to work their program out of their own motivation, not (sadly) because someone has convinced them. If it were possible to convince them, someone would have figured out how by now! In Al-Anon we have the Three C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. This is depressing in one way, but in another way it frees us from the feeling of "If only I could figure out how..."
Tragically, the statistics for those who start recovery are not good. The statistics for those who never start recovery are worse.
If you were to set boundaries and conditions, you'd have to be ready to enforce them when he violated them. My experience are that the chances an active addict will violate them are 100%. For one thing, they can't control themselves, even if they wanted to. Another thing is that they want to test us and make us go back on our boundaries and conditions. They'll manipulate, wheedle, promise (sometimes believing every word themselves), accuse, distract, divert, cry, threaten, threaten self-harm, storm out, refuse to leave... I imagine most everybody on the boards has experienced most of these.
But after all you've already been through, and with a precious new life coming, those manipulations are the last things you need. The sad fact is that an alcoholic (and someone with a mental illness that's not under control too) isn't in any state to be a responsible parent. Even when they're right there, we're left being a single parent, only worse: we have to cope with the insanity of alcoholism and all its weirdnesses in addition to keeping ourselves and the baby going.
After one incident in which it was truly a miracle my toddler didn't die, I realized never to leave a young child in the care of an alcoholic. Even if the alcoholic loves the child dearly, even if he swears he hasn't had a drink in months, even if he declares he would "never ever endanger him" and means it. Because they are not in control. They make terrible decisions, they pass out, they drive drunk, they leave the baby alone while they nip out for beer and forget to come back. I know that now. If I had known that then, my initial decisions would have been a lot different.
I hope you'll gather a good support system, whether that's family, friends, church, social services, relief nurseries, baby groups, an Al-Anon group or several, or any combination of them available where you are. Every parent needs more than the other parent as a support system - we were meant to live in communities. Sometimes things like this help us take the next step to making a larger community. Then you can keep yourself and your baby safe and happy without relying on one very unreliable person. I hope also that you'll consult a lawyer about getting child support - you should not have to pay 100% of baby costs - and however you go forward right now, you will know what your financial situation is/would be if you separate. We should be with someone because it's a good partnership, not because we can't afford to be on our own. That means your decision to stay (or go) will be about the quality of day-to-day life, not financial worries.
I hope you'll keep coming back. I made it through just fine - you can too. Hugs.
Welcome to MIP. Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive, chronic disease that can be arrested but never cured. I needed to really hear those words and process them in order to accept the facts of my life with an alcoholic.
Living with the disease we develop many negative coping tools that hurt us in the process. I, like yourself lost myself by making my needs invisible in an effort to keep the peace.
Alanon face to face meetings and our own on- line meetings here on MIP offered me hope. It was at meetings that I found those who understood like few others could. They offered support and new tools to live by.
These tools helped to restore my self esteem while i lived my life one day at a time , focused on myself acting i my own best interest and not reacting .
Welcome to MIP, LA, so glad you are here. My heart hurts for you as I read your story.
Those above have shared some great examples of their experience with the disease, the strength they found when they used the tools and resources of AlAnon, and the hope that gave them. I too, found incredible strength and hope in AlAnon at a time when I was desperate, fearful, and running out of hope after trying everything I thought to try.
AlAnon helped me gain a healthier and more accurate perspective of my situation and to make healthy decisions when they needed to be made. I was able to make those decisions with a sense of peace and confidence, based on a better understanding of what was best for me and those involved.
I learned that within the walls of AlAnon meetings and the pages of books such as Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in AlAnon, Hope for Today and others, there is love, support, and hope. This is all there for you, too. I hope you keep seeking out the resources of AlAnon as you look for a more peaceful path. Heart and thoughts out to you, hope you keep coming back
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
There have been many women that are on here who have made either of those choices. With the help of Al Anon and your Higher Power you can come to peace with either decision. Each person has their own decision to make, we can't tell you which one to make, but we can stand by you with whichever decision you do make, and help you to get your head in a better place to make that decision.
Keep coming back here, and get to an Al Anon face to face meeting!
Welcome to MIP - so glad you are here and glad you found your courage to share.
I don't have experience like yours, but have 2 boys with my AH. We met in recovery, he relapsed between the boys (they are 23 and 21) and I've stayed sober. It's been a long, rough road but Al-Anon has saved my bacon and given me tons of hope for the future.
We try to stay grounded in the present, just for today and what's important or matters today. For me, I am healthy, my sons are safe and my life is good. I will survive and be just fine whether my AH is here/gone, drinking/not and I have faith that my life matters.
My hope for you is that you embrace this program and find yourself. I too had shattered self-esteem and was utterly hopeless. This program has changed all that for me, and the fellowship I've found with like-minded persons is beyond words. It was here in Al-Anon that I learned I was not alone.
Al-Anon also gave me tools to thrive in spite of any chaos or drama that was going on around me. It's been beyond a game changer for me, it's been a life saver instead.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. We are all just a post away and have similar stories and feelings and ....
Keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
