The material presented
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my A has apparently been smoking crack Too! He just dropped this bombshell on me today. I don't know how I could have been so blind as to not know. People even asked me if he had a drug problem and I said oh no he would never do that! I feel like such an idiot! I don't know why he told me this Now. It doesn't make me want to change my mind about breaking up. if anything it strengthens my resolve to make a break from this man that I've been with for 22 years. He says he quit about a month ago and used both the smoking it and the quitting to explain his recent erratic behavior. Things do make a little more sense now but I am still floored by this news! It makes me wonder how many other things he's doing that I don't know about And it also makes me really angry because we have been struggling financially. I couldn't figure out why he never has any money. Now I know.
Oh boy, not good news, though also in a way unsurprising. Sounds like you knew something was up, some kind of bad influence and decision-making going on; you just didn't know the specifics. It's good to have full information as you make decisions going forward. Sorry the full information is so bad. Take good care of yourself.
Well, like Mattie said above, now you know why there was additional
financial struggle. Sorry for the added bombshell, certainly didn't not
need more complications. Wishing the best and keep working the
program, because it works!!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Getting the whole story takes patience and compassion. My alcoholic/addict wife would not tell me and she did not deny much when I found out the extent of her drinking and using and all the rest of the story. By that time I had learned the 3Cs and had earned some resignation and wasn't reacting as much as fast. Once I learned that anything was possible in the disease then accepting the infidelity and lying and stealing became road bumps. My sponsor kept teaching me keep your expectations open and honest and nothing will surprise you and then nothing did. I learned to accept her as a sick person and not a bad person which partly helped her move into recovery. QTIP Quit Taking It Personal allowed me to understand that it wasn't all about me. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Thanks guys. I think I get more solid useful advice here so far than I am getting in any face to faces that I have attended. I really appreciate your replies and input. It's not like I've never had a relationship with someone who has had a drug problem before. My first husbands severe cocaine addiction broke up my first marriage but my HE never tried to hide it from me so I knew what I was dealing with. That marriage only lasted 2 years though. This one 22 years. We are not technically married, but we have been living together for 22 years. I guess I'm glad that I never actually married him because now I don't have to go through all that legal crap to divorce him!
I can't believe how many times I asked my A what was going on, how many times I asked him what the problem was. I was so worried about him I thought he was ill, I thought he had some horrible disease because he was so skinny and he looks so terrible. He would always tell me that he was fine he just had a high metabolism. He refused to go to a doctor. He kept telling me alcohol wasn't the problem. He still thinks alcohol isn't the problem, he's blaming it all on the crack. I'm pretty sure that both are to blame for his craziness.
Believing the best in everybody and looking at the world through rose colored glasses isn't always the most practical way to live. I hope that I don't have to stop seeing the best in everybody, but I do think that I have to learn how to look at the big picture a little closer. It makes me sad though. The fact that I see the best in people is one of the things I like about myself. Now I feel like I'm always going to be second-guessing myself.
-- Edited by JukuVee on Sunday 30th of August 2015 04:17:12 PM
It sounds like your first marriage was an unusual situation in that he was honest about his drug use, and naturally that led you to believe people (specifically, your current guy) when they talked about their drug use. What's been hardest for me to get my mind around is that typically deceit and dishonesty are part of the whole syndrome. There's nothing so mind-boggling as having someone tell you something with all kinds of earnest sincerity, and yet it turns out they are lying through their teeth. When they're chronic liars, as addicts are - basically pathological liars - it's just beyond weird. I think those of us who try to be more straightforward in our lives are especially vulnerable, because we just have a hard time understanding how someone can lie about a major thing every single day and hour of their lives.
(((JukuVee))) - So very, very sorry that more has been revealed. My experience is that my qualifiers disclosed bits and pieces for an unknown reason at sporadic times and I just listened. I typically then discussed with trusted program friends and/or my sponsor as 2 of these are my boys and there's been enough disclosed to knock me on my backside. Even if I understand this disease, there are things you just wish you never heard coming out of the mouth of one you love/care for.....so - I feel your pain!
I always, always work hard to try and find the lesson for me, my program and/or my growth. My sponsor often points out that it speaks highly of me that they are willing to disclose these things, even if I wish they wouldn't. She also reminds me that my HP loves me and will not give me more than I can handle.
It sounds like you have yourself armed with program/plans. Maybe it will help to know that neither you nor he can change the past. This is 'part of that past' and while it's unpleasant, it's in the past and not a part of your today. Sometimes, if I just realize that in this moment, on this day, I am OK it helps....
Know that you aren't alone - just be grateful that it soon will not be a part of your present or your future!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hugs and sooo sorry mine really had the whammy because he was doing both alcohol and prescription drugs. After all if a Dr prescribes them how bad can it really be? He lied about that too in terms of the Dr put him on a script that he never told me about and I found them in the bathroom drawer literally when I was cleaning. Knowing that he was hiding things it made me feel even more crazy because this stuff would just blind side me.
I don't totally agree with the past is in the past because the reality is when the past keeps slamming into the present which absolutely affects the future then that's when I need to do some serious program work to figure out why I am continuing to repeat the patterns of being disrespected .. am I telling others that it is ok to disrespect me by allowing the current behavior to continue?
My XAH would/will constantly say .."it's I the past" .. umm NO .. when we currently in court dealing with his inability to finish the divorce the divorce is not in the past .. it is currently an ongoing issue .. yes .. we are divorced .. no .. it's not done totally.
So I work really hard not to live in the fact that things are not finished .. at the same time .. reality is reality. When information continues to pop up that has been lied about it's very hard to move past the past and start with a fresh start on anything. I absolutely agree with the fact that I know what I need to know when I need to know it .. it's just frustrating because I'm constantly having the conversation with the God of my understanding of seriously God .. LOL .. this would have been nice to know sooner .. I know deep down I wouldn't have been ready for it.
For me I have prayed about a course of action and once I am inline with what I need to do then I start going from there and I have learned that without goals pretty much I have already arrived at where I am. So goals help keep moving me forward and I'm open to the possibilities of my timelines being changed.
Hugs S :)
PS - Most active alcoholics are usually dealing with more than one addiction because it's such a thought process of getting the feel goods as I call them that when alcohol isn't enough to get there they go to something else. The thing that is so scary about crack is I just remember watching a very together human being I worked with smoked it one time and it devastated his life .. I have no doubt if he didn't find recovery he's probably dead. It was awful to watch him spiral .. I worked with him. Crack is one of most addictive substances out there in terms of one hit and it's off to the races.
-- Edited by SerenityRUS on Monday 31st of August 2015 08:29:36 AM
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
You guys are so wise. When I grow up I wanna be just like you! Yeah. I think he told me because he wants me to believe that THATS the real issue and that he's not cheating and that the alcohol has never been the problem. He does not want to quit drinking. It really hasn't made me believe him when he insists that he's not cheating though. He's seeming to say that crack has been the real problem all along and now that he's stopped that everything will be ok but nothing is ok and I don't think it ever will be again. At least not between him and me. Too much betrayal. I do think that I will be ok once he's moved out and I figure out how I'm going to be able to make ends meet without him.
In the case of my first husband it's not like he was a truthful guy and just being honest with me, it was just impossible for him to bring a bunch of friends over and have a pot and cocaine snorting party without me knowing. It wasn't important to him to try and hide it from me like it was for him to hide all of his extramarital affairs from me. He hurt me very badly with his cheating. One of the reasons that I am so hurt by my current partners betrayal is that I never thought he would hurt me this way. He has never been the cheating kind and I never worried about him being unfaithful before.
-- Edited by JukuVee on Thursday 3rd of September 2015 07:41:06 AM
I can relate to your post. I knew for most of my marriage my now exH was an A. I thought he never ever would go near coke. The last two years I saw some signs that denial helped me ignore. I also wondered where all the money was going and then unfortunately--I found out.
The thing that being married to an addict is it stops us from working on ourselves.
Thinking that its all about the alcohol and drugs and if they would just stop, life would be perfect. Yes, alcohol and drug to destroy relationships and it ends up destroying the addict eventually if not treated and it brings in to the marriage all kinds of problems.
Marriages and relationships are not just about one person. Both have a part in the dynamics of this disorder of addiction. Keep coming back to Alanon and find out what your part was. Whether it be codependency , the dynamic of the relationship takes two. Find out what makes you be a magnet for addicts, being your first husband was an addict also. Yes, Alanon is for YOU, Alanon is not about making the addict stop what he is doing.
Its about finding solutions and serenity for yourself and taking the inner journey in the midst of chaos . We need to find out about why we make the choices we make and the consequence of those choices. Keep coming back. The tools and solutions are within the program and within you.
Hugs, Bettina
Take good care of yourself.