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Post Info TOPIC: Separated but still controlled??


Senior Member

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Posts: 144
Date:
Separated but still controlled??


My ah and I are separated and I think I screwed up somewhere and need some advise. I kicked him out bc he was drinking again and I just couldn't live with it anymore. Well when I kicked him out he took his paycheck with him and I am stuck with everything the house mortgage the dogs the kid everything. Well he is the step dad so if I filed for divorce we have to be separated a year and I wouldn't get a dime to help with the mortgage. We have been nice to each Other for the sake of my daughter and we also work together. We both agree he has to stay out for a year to get and stay sober. Yet this week was my daughters birthday so he has been over here a lot helping clean and move furniture. 1at wake up: He told me at lunch that he was talking to a ex girlfriend that he told me he wouldn't talk to anymore. Yet when I mentioned us dating other people he said if I did that I needed to serve him divorce papers and I said well u r talking to an exgirlfriend so can I talk with guys. He started yelling at me telling me he talked to her bc she found out her husband was an addict and had slipped recently and now won't work or do anything. He then went off on me that she was seeking advise and how dare I not give exception and blah blah. I immediate woke to reality and went oh crap..he helped me move the rest of the furniture with some complaining of course. After he left I realized he got back in! I lost control- first question did I ever have it bc I didn't completely let go of him. Now tomorrow we r traveling an hour, staying in a hotel and doing something really special for my daughters birthday. If I bring up the control issues it could ruin her birthday surprise yet having Him there and having him control even more I am not sure of. Is the right thing to tel him and go to the function and hotel with just my daughter and I? She will be disappointed. He isn't there. Help! Can't believe I did this!

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Senior Member

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Posts: 144
Date:

Also forgot that he said he will help me with bills bc he cares what happens to us. Sure didn't when I told him to move out he said he is sober, working his program and seeing things clearer and that's why. I have a feeling that if I tell him how I really feel the old ah will come back really fast. So do I have him help till after my daughter birthday, and he teaches me enough to get a promotion that will help me not need his money anymore. Ir just get a roommate as fast as I can and tell him to get lost. I feel like I am up against something bigger than myself and just need to play chess till I can get to a safe place. Or am I kidding myself here?

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1661
Date:

Hepangel, I can really understand what you are telling us, and I am

thinking that you did what you did because you set a boundary that 

AH crossed.  What seems to be going on is that you are worried that

his participation in your daughters B-Day celebration is going to be

controlled by AH and that you are apprehensive about letting him

in you and your daughter's life because of the control issues.  But 

you still need financial support and some training to get a better

job.  So your dilemma is do you go it alone or continue to allow him

in your lives.  Seems your daughter is attached to him, so for her

sake, you need to make some decisions.  I would working my recovery

program, allow daughter to interact with her step Dad, contact

an attorney to set up support payments, and find another way to

get the training you need for your job.  It is so confusing when you

are in the midst of the alcholics chaos and drama.  Wishing you the

best of all possible outcomes.  {{HUGS TO YOU}}



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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3496
Date:

Hugs Help,

I want to be sure I understand correctly .. your daughter is having her birthday and you guys are going in as a family.

This is where a sponsor comes in so handy or Face to Face meeting call lists because it's so hard in the heat of the moment to know what is really in my heart vs what I'm reacting to emotionally.

As far as the money I wouldn't count on anything your STBAX is telling you .. does he mean it in the moment .. I absolutely believe it .. however I'm the show me state and all I can say is show me the money less talk please.

My XAH would text me things like I prayed at church today and I'm going to pay you what I owe you .. LMAO .. this was a week before court and he knew what was coming and he would have no choice except to pay because it was coming out of his check. He apparently didn't remember texting this to me because no he didn't pay and I didn't say a word one way or the other. There was no point in talking to someone who wasn't showing me in action he meant what he was saying.

He did pay however only because he was forced to pay and OMGOSH he was pissed about that big time. He still owes me thousands of dollars and until I start seeing things coming through the way they are suppose to then it's going to get ugly and I will be back in court yet again.

This is something I would really give over to my HP and let it sit there as long as you can. Honestly with my XAH I worried about things that never came to fruition. HE decided to back out or whatever maybe he got a better offer and once again I was left to deal with the collateral damage that was left in the wake.

Big Hugs, just keep coming back S :)

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1258
Date:

As with others, I worried about things with my XAH that never came to fruition. The other thing I want to say is: Be gentle with yourself. And, please get a sponsor if you don't have one already because it's nice to have an 'in real life' person to talk to on a daily basis who knows you, who can hug you, and who can help you settle down the crazy that happens in our minds when we start beating ourselves up.

Do your best to turn it over to your HP. Take a deep breath and know that we are hear thinking of you and lifting you up in thoughts and prayers.

__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


Senior Member

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Posts: 203
Date:

Your post reminds me so much of my own situation 9 years ago. I too am from the "show me" state, and words fell empty after many years of broken promises. I quickly realized no matter how many promises of help - my only REAL help was going to come from my HP, my true friends and family and from inside of me.

I rented out a room in my home. I got rid of the car payment and bought an old "beater" ;) I traded daycare with a friend of mine - you watch my kiddo two days a week after school and I will find a way to do the same for you and it was free. I went to the food bank. School clothes came from the thrift shop. And - I was as happy as I had been in a decade :)

When I let go, there were many opportunities that opened up that I would never have thought of on my own. HP is a creative being, a real cheerleader, a concerned (father/ mother) figure for me and never let me down.

Sounds like birthday plans are already set into motion. No reason to panic. Stay loving and detached from drama. Your eyes and ears and entire focus can be in the moment with your daughter and your own HP as you know her/him.

There can be boundaries and limits and no tolerance for his "pot stirring" with some patience and practice and planning ahead.

I too wish you the best of luck and a sponsor and thoughts and prayers your way.

Please let us know how you're doing soon.....

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I've got new tools, and I'm running with them!



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:

Stop panicking. I'm not reading that you did anything that wrong. Listen, you both need to work your programs and you sound like 2 newbies arguing over silly stuff. This is how the newcomer couples I see acting all the time. Not unusual. Neither of you has enough program time to know what's really important, what isn't, how to walk away from an argument...etc. It was probably good he told you he was talking to that ex because if it was something totally shady, he would have hid it. BUT...the reason he gave was stupid as he can't stay sober himself very well so he is about the LAST person that should be giving anyone advice about that. Anyhow...

Enjoy your trip. You aren't living together. Relax. Try and work on walking away from arguments and the way you guys communicate vs. not communicating when you clearly aren't communicating well. Don't freak out to quickly. You can also admit when you are wrong without going to such extremes and thinking you screwed up everything and committed some horrible act. I bet your relationship with him will improve a lot if you both just learn to say "sorry" and be quiet for a while after these disagreements.

I also recognize much depends on him working his program and staying sober, but that is out of your control so keep working on you.

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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 144
Date:

Thank you everyone for your advise. I am learning but your right I do freak out. It ended up being an awesome weekend and he was really good! We are tying to get along and for the most part it is working. I don't trust him but I'm doing my program he is doing his and my daughter is getting to benefit from it. Thank u again for calming me down!

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