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Post Info TOPIC: True Confessions


Senior Member

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Date:
True Confessions


I have an active A 35 yr old daughter,who has a history of illegal drug use and currently abuses prescription drus when she "needs" them for anxiety or whatever. For the past few years, despite my telling her I do not want to hear about people's (her friends, people in the news, books or movies about, her own) drug/alcohol excesses nor do I want her to share about people's criminal activities, my daughter's conversation pretty much centers on those topics. She glories in telling me that she tells her friends "I tell my mom everything". When she gets onto any of those topics, I remind her and steer the conversation to another (what I consider normal) topic of conversation. Often, I remind that I don't want to hear about _____ so Im going to hang up (and I do), but the trouble is, hearing about her drunken scrapes, injuries, near assaults, etc are very upsetting to me. Some nights I have trouble sleeping after I have talked to her. Often times she texts horrible events that happen to her (or nearly happen) and when one is reading, one reads the words so the information is in my head before I can stop reading and delete. When I do hang up on her, she reminds me later that is something her abusive husband did to her and she is very angry at me for hanging up.. She will usually call back, unless she is really angry, then I wont hear from her for a while. She talks so fast sometimes and doesnt hear me trying to break in, that I hear things that I dont want to hear. When I try to get a word in edgewise, I must either (rudely repeat her name repeatedly, before she will stop talking. Apparently, she has no other interests to talk about (she doesnt work, has no hobbies, so just lies in bed and watches movies or TV, or hangs out in bars/restaurants with her friends).

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Senior Member

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Hi Ignutah. I'm kind of thinking it is just too bad that she does not like to be hung up on. You have established the boundary and she must be taught to respect it. Were it me, I think I would tell her at the very beginning of the conversation that you will not listen to her stories and will hang up immediately when she starts. Then do it. And if necessary, do it a lot. Don't give her another warning, just terminate the conversation.

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Senior Member

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Ig, it seems to me that when my son did that it was because his conscience was bothering him, and if he dumped all of it on me "getting it off his chest" he would feel better afterword. He used me as a dumping ground! He knew I would listen because I was his nice mother, but then afterwords I would tell him STOP, if you can't talk about anything else I will end the call. He figured out finally I didn't want to hear it. We teach them the difference between right and wrong and it DOES bother them that they are making the wrong choices. Even if I kept an open door and those were the only conversations I would get to hear I had to STOP him because I had to take care of myself, and like you said I couldnt sleep at night after those calls. 

"It works when I work it" linsc 



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Veteran Member

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I guess I'm thinking "abuse" is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.  One thing that's said in Alanon is to say what you mean what you say but don't say it mean. I agree that it's a good idea to let your wishes be known as soon as you answer the phone and keep the boundary of hanging up immediately.

Interesting your daughter compares you to her father and says you're abusive for hanging up on her.

I would have no problem telling her that she has every right to her feelings.  Then I might mention that forcing disturbing information on someone after they've made it clear to you that they don't want to hear about it might be considered abusive too and you have a right to protect yourself from that kind of abuse. 

Ignutah... honestly, I'm not saying this to make you feel better but it may feel even more worrisome if you believe what you hear from your daughter. It's been my experience that some things said by someone who is active A can just be said to get a rise out of the person they are talking with and the things aren't even true.  With that said, if these things haunt you afterwards, reading Alanon literature, saying the Serenity Prayer, calling someone in the program or posting here as you have might be helpful tools. 

I know this is hurtful behavior and I'm sorry it's being directed toward someone who loves her so dearly but she's active and you know she's not thinking rationally.  ((((hugs))))  TT



-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 27th of August 2015 06:52:29 PM

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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1661
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I get the sense that no matter what your wishes are, ie: not wanting to hear the
details of your daughters disturbing stories, that she does it anyway because she
knows you do not want it. Kind of a vicious cycle that an alcoholic puts those
close to them through and when you verbalize that you don't want to hear the
chaos/drama they point fingers and call you abusive, when it is actually them
that is abusive, very manipulating and typical. Detaching and not taking what
your daughter says to you, personally, I think would be the best way to handle
the situation. When my AH goes into his tirades, I excuse myself and leave,
which may work for you. Realizing that these confrontations are signals and
the behavior is abusive, I remove myself from the conversation.



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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



~*Service Worker*~

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I have two sons who did/do this.....I did set a specific boundary and I do end the conversation and/or leave the room. When they suggest I am rude or wrong to take action, I just remind them that as their mother, I don't want to hear this and/or don't need to hear this.

It's not my business what they think of me when I am enforcing my boundaries. So long as my motives are self-supporting/self-protection, it's not my issue any longer.

I don't think mine are feeling guilty - I think they do it for shock value, almost as a ha-ha-ha-ha - you can't change/control/do anything about it....

I didn't realize other's kids did this too - makes me go 'hummmmmmmmm'.....A conversation with my sponsor might help shed light on this - we shall see what she has to say about it!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Sounds like she has a borderline personality disorder and zero concept of boundaries. Not only would i keep up with alanon, but read up on Borderline personality also.

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Senior Member

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One of the most confusing relationships I've ever been entangled with is the one that says "I hate you. Don't leave me." over and over again in a wide array of verbiage.

Every time the "don't leave me" hook was baited - I would bite. Each time the "I hate you" message was clear, I would crumble.

Not so anymore! Now I have the tools of Alanon.

I'm sorry your child is doing / going through this, but so glad that you've found the "life preserver" to this kind of emotional insanity. She can find hers in time as well with her own counseling and her own program.

For now remember to put that oxygen mask on yourself, even before your own child. Because you must be awake and healthy to make good decisions if the plane decides to take a turn.

Hugs, good thoughts and many prayers to you.



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I've got new tools, and I'm running with them!



Senior Member

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Posts: 282
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OK, so as everyone here probably expected, one day after I got lambasted with vicious verbal attacks by AD, the next day AD is a totally different person, texting and speaking somewhat "normally". However, I am working on setting clear boundaries FOR MYSELF to protect myself (like the analogy another poster made re: if you sit under a tree with a pigeon above you, it is likely you will get birdshit in your hair...because pigeons do what pigeons do). I have decided we typically do better with texts, as the phone conversations make her lack of lucidity more apparent. If the texts I receive are ones I want to respond to, I will. If her texts indicate she wants to dump on me, I won't reply, and my finger will hit the "reject" button when she does a follow up call and I will turn my phone off.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I always thought my son was sober when he texted me. He was good at it. Come to find out he just wasn't quite passed out yet..lol I had to stop the back and forth with the texting because it never did any good. What did good was me not responding at all and letting him get anxious and worried because mom wasn't there. When we let go and give them back their problems is when they will do something about it good or bad. My son's was prison but that is a good thing because he was never going to get sober on his own.

((( hugs )))



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 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 


Senior Member

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Posts: 282
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Yes, you are so right. Today I was running errands and then spending some time with a girlfriend who is in town briefly. My phone started buzzing with the texts (boohoo, she was supposed to meet her boygriend yeaterday to get her rent money, he came to pick her up but she had fallen asleep and SLEPT 16 HOURS through til this morning, never awkening to his repeated knocks on her door or phone cals and now she has no money and hes pissed etc etc etc). I did not reply to those texts, just hit reject when her followup phone call came and then turned my phone off and when I got home turned all my landlines to silent. BOUNDARIES for me!

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~*Service Worker*~

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I like your boundaries, Ignutah, wishing you the peace you deserve.

__________________

 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



Senior Member

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Posts: 203
Date:

Yay!! for healthy boundaries and not biting when the hook is baited! biggrin

I like that by sticking to text messages only - you have something objective to read, review and revisit if necessary. There is no need to respond immediately like there would be in a telephone conversation. Great idea!

But most of all I love that you are focused on taking care of you.

((hugs to you))

 



-- Edited by LedfootJenny on Tuesday 1st of September 2015 10:08:46 PM

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I've got new tools, and I'm running with them!



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3026
Date:

So funny they would pass out asleep and not get done what is needed but then calls MOM to get them out of it. Maybe next time they will take responsibility to make the rent. Wrong choices have consequences that only they can correct if they so choose.

I would always want to correct the problem because my poor poor ADULT child might get hurt, die or something terrible will happen.

No more on my part

I let go, let HP with love and understanding...



__________________

 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 
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