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Post Info TOPIC: Curious disease... why do A's want a magic wand?


Senior Member

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Curious disease... why do A's want a magic wand?


As I learn more about this disease of mine and my AH I realize a pattern of thought and action.

 

He wants to take the path of least resistance, do the work 1/2 way and or half a**.  He wants HP to just show up in his life like a magic gene where he will then list off everything he wants (more than 3 wishes )  and Wa-La!  HP's job is to fix it for him!  He would love some kind of drive through window where he can order up what he wants.

Also as he practices his brand of Christianity, and changes churches every year or so - he doesn't want to walk the relationship out with his HP ODAT, read the word, 12 step literature etc.  NO - he wants a magical, rolling in the aisle "experience" (vs. relationship) and is currently gobbling up all the Supernatural Raising the Dead type books he can get his hands on....

 

Curious, very curious.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Omgosh Jenny I started laughing when I read your post only because I'm so guilty of this very thing. I do believe it's a two way street. Why would an addict who is constantly self medicating to get away from the emotional pain and physical as well want to actually do the work tip get better? Better question why don't I and I'm not self medicating maybe in denial however not drinking or drugging thank goodness!!!! Because it hurts and pain is a great motivator of change and who wants to change? Seriously change can suck I have to work through the 3 A's .. Awareness, acceptance and action .. I prefer avoidance, anxiety and arrogance .. Much easier as I do those things .. Now I kid I kid .. Lol. Change truly means accepting responsibility for myself .. So original question .. Why does an A look for the easy way? It's easier and is not a real commitment to change and that speaks to me as well .. Hugs!! Great topic!!!

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop



~*Service Worker*~

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I must confess that prior to alanon I also had a case of "Magical Thinking "-- It worked for a time and naturally that is why I used it. When I needed to accept reality and start being a grown up I am so pleased that HP lead me to Alanon

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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That is not an uncommon alcoholic set of behaviors. It results from alcoholism making them chronically unhappy while also protecting itself to the degree that a person looks for "feel good bandaids" rather than looking at the obvious sources of the problem..

The alcohol and themselves. I did that and dated people for years like that. It was always needing to move to a new area, get a new job, family...always either bemoaning the past or engaging in magical deluded "if only" thinking about the future.

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a4l


~*Service Worker*~

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I guess for some, they medicate. Alcohol,drugs,sex,religion. Escape routes...but,wherever i go, there i am. There's no escaping ones self.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Serenity, you hit my nail right on the head! And I love your alternative to the three As - avoidance, anxiety and arrogance - that is one of the things I have to constantly work on. You would think with so much work, I would get pretty good at it, but it is painful to change. so much easier to stay in a rut, I don't have to think about what I am doing, and I don't have to change any behaviors.

Kenny

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Senior Member

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I loved this post. My AH is 16 months sober and will still do whatever it takes to use the "easier, softer" way. At times he cracks me up, yet at other times I can see him working hard and the easier, softer way is a habit. He makes me laugh when he talks his talk, yet doesn't walk the walk and it feels so good to me that if he asks me I can say something otherwise I let it go. I don't think he has a feeling of magic genie in the way of his HP any longer, but body language and words he uses suggests he is tired, bored, restless, discontent etc. maintaining sobriety. I will sometimes seek out activities we can do together related to the recovery community and it seems to help him to get back into participating, now mind you I don't do that very often because I don't want to be accused of enabling and sometimes it more for me to suggest an event because others I know will be there....manipulative, maybe, but it gets him back to grounded thinking and eases my burden of listening to his whining. Problem solved.

Change is hard, but in the end it's so worth it.

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Linda

Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries

Matthew 6:34



~*Service Worker*~

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Jenny, ha! Path of least resistance indeed!

Take my wife's LOVE of the drive through. She loves it because you do not have to get out of your car. I HATE it because there are randomly placed yellow cement posts that you have got to NOT scrape your car on as you maneuver around ridiculously tight curves and turns. Then, you get to the ordering place, and some disembodied voice says something you can't really understand, and seems to demand an order without you having time to decide what you want. Then, there is the back and forth with all passengers in the car. (ok, the dogs are generally happy with what I order for them, even if it is the same each time...) Then, you are supposed to review your order on this outdoor screen with gunk splashes and cracks, and invariably, should you be able to read the screen, you find something wrong with the order, and then you have to try to explain... Assuming you get that worked out, you get to try not to scrap the side of your car on more randomly placed yellow cement posts and get close enough to the building to pay without dropping your change, but not so close that you take the side mirror off your car. Then, you have to determine which of a series of 2-5 windows you are supposed to stop at (next). And people behind you in line are impatient, and you finally get your order, and you have to open everything to make sure they didn't put onions and mustard on the dog's burgers. And then - where do you eat? In the car? dropping ketchup drenched pickles down your shirt? Or at home? By the time you get there, everything is cold anyway.

Speaking of the path of least resistance... we live in a house on a hill. 2 flights of starts up from the top of the driveway to the front door. My wife decided that, rather than go to the trouble of carrying the recyclables down, she would throw them. That way, when I got to the bottom of the stairs with the trash, I could just find the bags of recyclables in the lawn and transfer them to the recycle bin. One of those bags, the bag with glass in it, landed smack in the middle of my car's windshield and majorly cracked it. Now, my wife, who is this time 70+ days sober, decided that it was important for her to pay to replace the windshield, which I gladly agreed with. Her plan: selling her baseball cards on ebay. If she sells each card for an average price of 45 cents, a mere 680 sold cards should do the trick. She mentioned today that she is not going to charge for shipping or handling. A stamp costs 49 cents. shipping envelopes that will prevent the cards from being bent will also cost something. So...

But on a more serious note, I think that before Alanon, I was relying on the Three A's - avoidance, anxiety, and arrogance. I will just go ahead and avoid the power bill, worry about the power being turned off, and think that I can somehow "fix" things if I just try harder. The more steps toward a more balanced life I take, the more incredulous I am that I didn't see how much harder it was to take the path of seemingly least resistance. Thank goodness I have three better A's now: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.

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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu



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Pinkchip - thank you.  That explaination really helps me.  I am remaining mostly and lovingly detached ;) But the pattern is one I've seen constantly and just kept scratching my head about it.  One doctor suggested he had ADD and couldn't help moving from job to job, half a** hobby to another and so on. 

Whatever the root cause I am going to keep my eyes on HP and my own a** on my side of the street!

I appreciate the insight!



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Serenity - I love the 3 A's - THANK YOU!

I'm so grateful for this program, and for all of you and your responses.

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I have not had as much experience with Alcoholism as I have only been dating my A boyfriend for 1 1/2 yrs. He has been sober for 30 years but I know still struggles with day to day living and being happy.

I think not just for an A but for anyone we all want the 'path of least resistance' or life the easy way. Before I started Alanon f2f about 3 mos ago I was looking for answers everywhere else besides trusting my HP. I got a divorce 2 years ago and have thought "Well if I could find another job I would be happier, or if I moved or found some friends or met new people", etc. Any excuse, anything would make my life better. The hard thing was I finally had to learn I had to work on myself and continually do that daily so I can be satisfied at my job or whatever I am doing. And it is working.

No it is not easy at all and I struggle with many things. My attitude mainly. I prayed for work, had extra work yesterday and am feeling bad and having to rest today. lol

My A still seems like he has this kind of behavior. He was in AA for 10 years but that was about 15 yrs ago so he can really 'talk the talk' but I can't understand why he is so depressed. I had to stop giving him my advice on what to do about it for my own sanity. He is only going to do what he wants to and I can't be sucked into his negative way of thinking. I am the only thing I can control. I have to tell myself that constantly.

Glad you are here! Hope it all gets better

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I also have to remind myself of one my favorite 'sayings'.

"What screws us up most in life is the vision in our head of how it is supposed to be"

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~*Service Worker*~

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I like the 3 As too

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Maire rua


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Skorpi That is the insanity of the disease...I will be shaking my head over the picture you paint of this event for a while and I may share it at some time or another if you don't mind.  Magic wand...baseball cards vs a smashed windshield...OH God!! 

Jenny the waiting on magic is usual in the disease because if the solutions don't come you can always BLAME the fairy.  Alcoholics blame for ever because their egos are so fragile and they only like that part of finger pointing that they do.  Reading many upon many shares here on the board it is easy to recognize.  I learned a great response to getting blamed which if used openly, honestly and said in a clear voice worked well for me when my qualifiers were trying to blame me for stuff that wasn't my responsibility.  I was amazed that saying clearing "that's not true" or "that's a lie" or You're wrong" and then quitting the conversation worked soooo well.   Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) wink



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~*Service Worker*~

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That's fine with me, Jerry. Thank goodness it is almost the first, and I can arrange to have the windshield replaced soon! I am going to remember the "that's not true" response. I certainly could use it!

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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu

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