The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hand it to daughter to answer. I have already spoken to him this week, already made arrangements and compromises so that she can spend fathers day with him next week and I'm quite sure we are all in agreement and satisfied with arrangements. I don't want or need to talk to him any further, and, my spidey-sense is telling me not to. So she answers the phone and I go and wash dishes and hope that he is just calling to talk to her anyway.I hear her laughing, chatting away and breathe a sigh of relief. He hasn't called to cause trouble, he really did just want to talk to our daughter. Yay!
Then daughter starts calling out to me. She tries to hand me the phone and I tell her, 'Put it on speaker, my hands are wet". So she holds the phone and her father announces to our loungeroom that he is planning their overseas trip for next year (the one he demanded I organise a passport for and promised would be during the summer holidays) and, it's to Fiji, next March, and daughter will have to miss a week of school.
I say "No, she can't miss any more school to take holidays with you; we've discussed this before. Sorry". Daughter is making begging motions, mouthing 'please mummy" to me. Great. He says 'look it's really hard to organise, my little one starts school next year too". I make vague sounds of sympathy ("mmm, yes it sounds difficult") ("but unfortunately our daughter worked hard to get into an advanced schooling program and taking time off isn't an option".) ("Bye").
So daughter is crushed and I feel such a surge of anger and sadness. How does he manage to win over and again? How did I suddenly become the bad guy AGAIN??? I am ready to throw some kind of tantrum internally but ask HP to hold my hand while I practice not reacting and next-right-thing it.
I tell daughter I am sorry, that I hope she will understand that she has missed a lot of school to go on vacations with her father, in fact she has already BEEN to Fiji (good grief I've never been overseas aside from New Zealand which really doesn't count lol) and that we've had to make sacrifices for her to attend the school of her choice and she can't just take a week off to go on a holiday that really, her father could and should plan for her holiday time. I also tell her I'll put Fiji in my list of places we might save for future holidays to.
She looks sad and angry and I decide she has every right to be sad and angry and it's not my place to try to convince her not to feel how she feels so I leave her be and go and make strawberry cannolis thinking, I don't know, that I can cram her full of sugary goodness to somehow take away the sting?
Anyway when I bring her the dessert she accepts it gratefully and seems to be over it already. I don't want to make her talk about what must be a sad topic for her but I do ask her, in spite of myself, if her dad is stressed out about his 5 year old beginning school next year as well and scheduling the holiday around it, why isn't he just making the holiday for school holiday time? It doesn't make sense.
Now here in Australia we have a 2 week break 3 times a year and then a 5 week break at Christmas. Not a big long break like those of you in America have. So that's why I mention school holidays on a very frequent basis; they are brief and often and there are frequent opportunities to get away with the kids during the year if you can afford it.
Anyway daughter says "Little brother's school is a private school. Their holidays begin the day mine end. So dad is booking the holiday for those school holidays".
Oh. I see. He doesn't want his 5 year old to miss school but he is happy for daughter to miss a week of high school. I say nothing else and neither does she; she isn't mad at me. The look on her face says it all; she knows. Poor kid.
The man still hasn't read her school report (from 2 months ago). I went to parent teacher interviews last night; she's doing great. He wouldn't know; he refuses to acknowledge her schooling at all. Jerk. What a very, very disappointing father he has turned out to be.
But we have holidays of our own on the horizon. So never mind.
Then my Grandmother calls. She knows I had a driving lesson today (I am still a very nervous driver and so have decided to take a few more lessons to get over the nerves. I think this is a positive thing to do). She asks if the instructor laughed at me and called me a wuss. Nice.
Then she tells me about her friend who is aged 65 and has just lost her job. I sympathise.She says that "she might not need the money but she enjoys working and she's very capable, it isn't fair". I agree with her. We talk some about jobs and I mention I wish I could find a part time job that fitted with daughter's school hours. She laughs this really mean laugh that i haven't heard for a while and says "Oh Melissa, when are you going to face the face that you are past it? You're too old my dear, it's over for you. Give up, you're never going to do anything". The tone is so nasty. Once again I don't react but suddenly need to get off the phone, sorry.
Her friend at 65 is still employable but I at 39 am so old and "past it" that I should just give up? It's not even worth getting upset over, is it? It's just mean-ness for no reason.
Strangely when I sit down at my computer I have an email offering me some more delivery work. It's just stuffing junk mail into letterboxes. But it actually pays well; more than working in a shop or factory for example. I like the flexibility and I like being able to walk the dog and exercise while I earn. I have several of these walking delivery jobs now and to be honest as far as mindless work for a paycheque goes, it beats putting on an apron. This new job is something new and kind of cool though. It's on the waterfront; what a beautiful area to walk around...and it's actually a significant boost to my income.
So I have mixed feelings as I email back and forth with the supplier and negotiate the job. There's no prestige in it and my pride is hurting already but, its more money for easy work and that's a positive. And my study schedule is HUGE so flexible work is very desirable. So I guess it's literally a case of "One foot in front of the other" and, doing the next right thing.
And it'll be alright in the end, and if it's not alright, it's not the end. My mum says that; it comes from a movie I believe.
Thanks for listening, and hugs to all.
(((everyone)))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Ha, HP wins! Mom being mean, saying those things, then "randomly" a job offer comes along for something that fits you well. Well, whaddayaknow about that!
That's right Kenny I was just thinking this morning, I wish, oh I wish for some more easy work to pump up my income while I finish this degree.
I don't understand why my grandmother tries so hard to convince me that I am useless, disabled, a big sad loser and shouldn't try. But I've internalised it for many years and i's very draining and it needs to go.
Years ago when I was working as a cook I was promoted to kitchen manager with a big raise and I called to tell her thinking she'd be pleased for me and her words were 'Honestly Melissa why do you sound so pleased? You can train a monkey to cook". I must stop listening to this stuff.
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
((((MM)))))
Glad you are Working your Program for YOU... Sometimes I Find that So Hard, but Boy does it Help ;) I had a Family Member like that as well... Always Negative, Nothing was Good Enough, I was Always on the Down Side of Life, Never Made the "Right" Decision for My Life... And On & On & On... However it Pushed Me to Prove them Wrong for a Long Time.... NOW... Well...
When I Stopped Allowing them Input on My Life it was Amazing How Well My Life Became... And When I Would Hang Up in the Middle of their Ignorance & Rude Remarks, they Slowly started to get I would Not Tolerate it... Very Sad when its Someone we deeply care for, however it is Very Freeing to Know WE Don't have to live in that place... We can Hand them to HP And Keep Chuggin... And Be Grateful We are NOT Them!!! lol
You are Doing Great... Way to Stick to your Boundaries with EX, even if hearts were bruised at bit, and Good for you for Letting Go of the Ick spewed at ya... All those things Take Courage, So Pat yourself on the Back for a Job Well Done, and Go Enjoy that Water Front Job :)
Thanks Jozie
You know one thing this program has me doing is actually listening to the thoughts I have when I'm upset and wanting to react and one that keeps coming up with my Grandma is...by the time I make a success of myself she won't be here anymore....I'll never get to prove anything to her. In her eyes I'll be a loser forever.
Letting go of that requires a minimum 10 minute conversation with HP every time, lol.
But I MUST let it go because it doesn't serve anyone, and, at heart, I doubt she would want me to hate myself and feel miserable. She's just projecting her own stuff onto me. I CAN choose to not absorb it.
Thanks for your support and love, you guys always make me feel brighter, less afraid and somehow more connected to my HP
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
(((MsM.)) Thanks for sharing your process with your usual such honesty. I love how you handled each situation and would like o assure you that, for me, Life began at 40,( I started to really see reality aand live in it) and it got better at 50 and 60. You are doing fine and have started on a fantastic journey of growth and accomplishment.
As far as the "walking, delivery jobs -- just think you are getting paid and getting all that exercise and your dog is being walked in the process. Others haave to spend moey joining a gym to get the exercise and pay a dog wlker to walk their dog. Keep looking at your assets and your self esteem will grow. You are doing great.
By the way in NYC we have many "Dog walking companies" who simply walk peoples dogs 2 or 3 times a day @ $15 a walk while the owners work-- Sounds like a money maker --Maybe that is a business you can jump into.
Yes, I had the same grandma. She rebuked me for taking a job that a man should have to support his family. I'm serious. I too had to let it go. I too couldn't waste time wondering about her motivation. Why wasn't she happy for me, and lacking that why didn't "she say nothing if she couldn't say something nice"?
We go on to have a good life. I know that 10 minute conversation with HP to let go. They turned out to be good investments of 10 minutes each time.
So good to hear your program in process! I applaud the way you handled the Ex-AH situation as well as with your G-Ma. You're doing a fantastic job and love what you titled this - one foot in front of the other....so profoundly simple but so very true.
You're working a great program, you've got a flexible job that works with your daughter's schooling, you're able to take your dog along and your going to school. That all appears to me to be life-changing efforts for a variety of reasons like Betty mentioned (making money while walking the dog + exercising)!
I agree that 40 was a great decade and 50 is going well for me too. I no longer look outside me for happiness; that was the biggest change as I've aged. I'm trusting Betty on 60 - not there yet, but will say I no longer fear aging. I think I will remain forever young at heart and that makes all the difference. My maturing with this program hasn't caught up with my age, and I'm perfectly fine with that.
Keep doing what you are doing and be proud of you! It's looking great from my view and you are truly a Miracle in Process!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you beautiful people.
You know I woke this morning and something funny occurred and I picked up my phone ready to text about it to my grandmother. And then I thought no, why would I do that? Why try to make her laugh after she's made me feel completely worthless? (Or tried to). Why engage in any way?
So I came here and read everyone's beautiful replies and made up my mind to go to a meeting and that's just exactly the kind of love and validation I REALLY need so thank you all very much
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
One foot in front of the other - like a donkey lured by the carrot on the stick - I so get the feeling Mel! I work 4-5 different jobs and now that I've worked said jobs for more than a little while (5 years) I have decided that I LIKE the nomadic work style so much better than I would like a "same stuff, different day" type of job. I even turned down a great job because I knew it wasn't for me. I like the variations in my work day.
I notice that there are several in my life that I control how my interaction is with because I know through experience how the interactions will go. (same stuff different day?)
I've even found myself singing the song from Santa Claus is Coming to Town - put one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking out the door! One foot in front of the other is about the same as One day at a time and do the next right thing. One step at a time is how we crawl out of where we don't want to be!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
LMH that really cheered me, reading that. you know what? I like my nomadic work life too. I've always worked several diverse jobs at a time and I've always liked it just exactly that way. I wonder why there is such a feeling that one has failed unless one goes to the same place every day and does the same thing?
It's interesting.
Another member here emailed me with a very, very amusing and true observation about my grandmother which gave me an entirely new perspective, and really took all of the sting out of the whole situation and made it something I could almost laugh at.
When I first found al-anon I fancied that I had found a long lost island filled with a long lost tribe of "my people" and it's still that way. I drift away and start to feel all of the hurts and self abuse and expectations and mostly the constant shame, and then I start to imagine no-one would like me back in al-anon anyway and I resist rejoining meetings, daily work and the board...I don't know why...it just happens from time to time and I begin to think myself unwelcome and ill-fitted and then I take a step back in and lo and behold it's like finding that island all over again. With all of you lovely people marching up the beach towards me with floral necklaces and coconut juice
I just love you guys to pieces, really I do.
Sigh exAH texted me this evening asking if I can please call the school and 'ask permission for daughter to take a week off next year for the holiday", or he will. Now the school doesn't give permission on these things, I said no because i am her primary carer, the person who pays for and supports her education and every SINGLE time he books a holiday he has her miss a week of school. It's blatant disregard for her education and Ive decided now she is in high school it must come to an end. So whether he calls the school or not its irrelevant, I said no and that's the end of it and why must he push and push and push and push? Jerk. Better put his name in the freezer again!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
