The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, this is my first time posting--I only found this forum two days ago after a Google search. I wasn't sure if I should post a comment on a similar board or make a new post. A lot of the other threads helped me, but I want to share my own...story? I need help. I'm 26, and my partner has been sober 3 and a half months. I didn't realize when we started dating that he had a drinking problem, but I learned quickly enough. Kind of made a lot of pieces fall into place when I realized--a lot of things in retrospect started to make sense. Now, addiction runs in his family (both parents), and his twin brother suffers from excessive drinking, too. My partner has a habit of breaking up with me when he drinks. Since he was sober, that went away mostly. We live together, and this past Sunday he came home and told me that he's going to have a drink, either tomorrow, next week, next year, at some point and that if I can't handle it, let's just end it now. I can't be with him if he drinks, and I had previously expressed that. He gets mean, belligerent, etc. He was even kind enough to offer to pack up my things for me this past Sunday (please read that with a sarcastic tone). I caved. Told him I wouldn't leave him if he drank, and he admitted to feeling like he had manipulated me. I don't know. Since then, I've been living with the addict version of him. The distant, cold, doesn't love me version. I don't know if it makes sense, but it's like a different person almost and I'm recognizing his presence. Like I see that it's not the core him. He hasn't had a drink, yet, but its the addict that's prevailing in his head. He's putting up a fight an getting stronger. I was devastated, obviously, when he said he was going to drink (yes, he hasn't, but I was devastated to see the addict back). And more than that, I'm losing my security. I was home, making myself a snack, feeling like I'm at my home, which I was, and an hour later I'm being told I have help to pack up my things. I'm still living there, I don't want to move. It's been brushed under the rug. But it's still in my mind. It's in my mind he's going to drink. It's in my mind that I can be thrown out on a whim on a day I don't see it coming. I dont know what to do. Leave. Stay. Self preservation tells me to start looking for a place. Sensibility tells me leave now. Then there's the fact I love him that doesn't want to give up or move out. The part that knows he's sick. That I shouldn't police him by saying if you drink, I leave. But at what point do I stop becoming a side thought? But he's sick. He opened the door, but he hasn't fallen off the wagon yet. The first year is a doozy. It's harder for him, I know, and needs my love. But what about my needs a bit? At least the basic need of secyrity? Of a home? I can't talk about it. I try to talk here and there and resolve, but he is the type of man that can't handle that on the best of days, and in this case, I don't want to make his recovery and current struggle focused on me. But I don't know. I need something. I need help.
I am sorry for what you are going through. You mentioned his recovery, but what is he doing for recovery as in my experience someone who is working a program of recovery is not going around threatening their partner that they are going to drink, like it or leave. That being said I understand that you love him, but if love helped and saved an alcoholic then none of us would be here. I have an AD and I do not think there is a greater love then the love a parent feels for their child but that has not stopped or helped her and I hurt myself terribly in the process of trying to fix her. Learning to detach and focus on myself and my own recovery is what has helped. We have two online meetings here per day, at 9 am and 9 pm EST. You are not alone in your struggles. There is many many caring people here whom have been through similar situations. Take care of you.
Unfortunately it doesn't sound like your partner is taking his recovery seriously. Setting boundaries is good but you also have to be willing to follow through on them. It doesn't sound like you are there yet, i.e. leaving him if he drinks. If it makes you feel better, you could go look at other places so you have a plan b in place. That may give you some more comfort in this situation. Face to face meetings have also helped me a ton, you could do a search and see if there are any in your area. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is such a hard situation and one that many of us are in. Sending you a ton of love and support at this difficult time.
Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and found your courage to post. Alcoholism is a powerful and progressive disease. It affects the drinker and is never cured, only arrested. It also affects those who live with and/or love an alcoholic. It's considered a family disease and it reaches well beyond the one who consumes, and permeates all aspects of life - mental, physical, spiritual and emotional.
AA is for recovering Alcoholics. Al-Anon is for family and friends of the alcoholic. While there is no cure for the disease, many find peace and serenity through the 12 Step program(s). I strongly encourage you to find a local Al-Anon meeting and attend if possible. You will quickly find that you are not alone and those who are there will support you and listen, just as we do here, and relate in ways that those who don't live with this can not.
Al-Anon helps us to learn to love ourselves and learn how to understand the disease, which helps us better act and react around the situations presented. We learn how to set boundaries and how to detach with love, so we can not only survive but thrive no matter what the other is or is not doing.
So very sorry for what you are going through - know that you are not alone and we're all just a post away! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Funny how we automatically assume its harder for them, battling alcohol. Lose that thought, thinking of you isn't selfish, nor are you disaffected by the addiction of a loved one, just in a different way. Sobriety is more than abstinence, which I think you sense by some of your words. Feeling like you could get kicked out of your home is sure to be crazy making, waiting for that axe to drop, teaches one two things: Negative projection, and anxiety. Not to mention the power dynamic going on. These traits we learn as partners,children,siblings, they get worse. Keep coming back to alanon, glad you're here.
