I am reading the posts again and I can so relate to everyone's story. I have been working hard on focusing on me and my wants and needs. I feel regret for getting myself mixed up with an alcoholic. Its been a year and 3 months now and alcoholic bf has been sober for only 1 month in that time period. He knows about recovery but continues to drink and work. Yes, he has gone back to work now, its been 3 days of a 11 day work period (in camp). I do not expect he will manage the 11 days but he also is aware his work options are running out. He was fired from a camp due to drinking at the camp he was in. He is union in the trades and he received word from his union that he is banned for life from that camp. meaning he can never work for that company again. I am so happy with that news. This seemed to wake him up. He says his work options within the union is getting smaller due to his drinking. Good! Time will tell if he keeps this job. I am not concerned as I have my own income and I will be ok. I do not need his money to make it on my own. For that I am grateful. We do live together and today I am so happy he is not here. I feel free of drama and his negative thought process. I can focus on me better now. This past summer I went away for a week and half to be with family. He too went home to his hometown on the other side of the country, to be with family.  (His brother passed away). The first two days he drank and his immediate family got very upset with him. He did not attend the wake as he was getting drunk with his cousin. He attended the funeral though and he cried a bucket of tears he claims. I thought good and you also cried for all your guilt, shame and alcoholism. I did not go with him and encouraged him to stay for a month. He stayed only a week as his oldest son, where he was staying asked him to leave. The son said he felt uncomfortable having his parents together in the same house as him and his son. ( BF son had lost his wife and now bf ex wife (1), is living with her son and grandchild). BF claimed he was sober since the funeral and once arrived back to where we are living (other side of country) felt deep sadness. He has no immediate family where we are living but has another son 5 hours drive away and 2 other sons 24 hour drive away. He drank for 7 days straight, non stop. I came home on Saturday afternoon from my trip to find him not home and stumbled in later. Found out he was out with his ex-wife #3 and there was plans for them to meet up that evening.  She called him and the war began. I called her back and she told me the side of her story as to why they divorced but I was not able to get all the details as he was yelling at her in the background as I was trying to hear what she had to say. The conversation did not come to an end, but a hang up. She was still very angry about the end of the marriage. Then this past Monday, he went to a pub and a new woman drove him home. He claims nothing happened. Since then, I have been working hard on detaching and focusing on me only.    

1. His claims- I am to young for him. He is 54 and I am 49. People say he looks 60 years old.

2. He says we need to get legally marred as god will bless us. Told him on Sunday, while having dinner and he was sober I will not marry him as long as he is drinking so the conversation needs to stop.

3. I started to look at other men myself and flirting with them and just ignoring him.

4. I know this relationship is not working and will not work so long as he is using. I have given up all hope and just do not care anymore. In fact Friday night he and I went to the pub and a man took interest in me. He was drunk and became jealous, trying to cling to me and I tried to avoid him. It was the cat and mouse game for the evening. He admitted he was jealous. Good.

5. I can not tolerate when he is sober, he gets miserable. I am enjoying when he is drinking. I am free to do as I want and go where I want. ( I do anyways) but him being drunk makes it easier to not feel guilt (if that makes sense).

6. He says he wants to move him to his hometown across the country next summer, no matter what. Sell the house and go. He says he has had enough of where he is living. He has been here 15 years and misses his family. If his family can not tolerate him for more than a week, what does that say. I just say we will see what happens. We do not know what tomorrow brings. I said he needs to sober up and think clear and if its to be, move. I do not see myself going with him, or being with him much longer so it does not matter about next summer. This thinking reminds me of my ex-husband. We had moved from his hometown and moved elsewhere and during our marriage all he would do is complain about moving home. He has moved back and remarried, and now complains about how expensive everything is and how he is financially broke and why he can not see his daughter who is disabled (21 years old) and I am looking after. Due to his new wife, his immediate family have distanced themselves from him. What was reason for moving home...I have no understanding of that thinking. I believe you make the best of where home is for you     

7. I feel angry at myself for getting messed up with another alcoholic knowing he was an active drinker when I first met him. He even admitted he is an alcoholic yet, here I am. I stay because I grew up in an alcoholic home and every relationship has been alcoholic based. I know what I am in for. Its familiar. Its normal. I am addicted to the highs and lows and the insane challenge of trying to fix. I am sick myself!      

Today, I am free of his presence and I am grateful. I am working hard on just focusing on today and keeping my sanity and just take what the alcoholic says as lies, lies, lies and that he is very sick and mentally messed up. I am grateful to just get these thoughts out of my head of what he says and does out instead of trying to obsess over it and figure it out. I have to see the alcoholic as being mentally ill, someone that is not dealing with realty. I just have to think, what he says is not real.

Thanks for listening!