The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I decided to start this program I realized how isolated I had become and one of my goals was to develop friendships.I have a neighbor who I talked to occasionally,we started doing things together,going out to lunch,etc.Her son and daughter also work at the same place my daughter works at.She came over the other day and said my daughter was trying to get her son fired!She said my daughter went to the manager's and was going to file sexual harassment charges!She also said she went to talk to them about it.I talked to my daughter and her mouth literally dropped,she knows nothing about it.I talked to the manager's and they know nothing about it.I am baffled,confused,disappointed,etc.I do know she is very protective of her children and her son has been having problems doing his job.I have stopped all communication with her and have decided she is sick and I just need to back away from the situation,but I feel like if there is a crazy person around they will find me.I am upset with myself even though I didn't do anything wrong.Now I am very leery of taking another friendship risk.I guess it is best to stick with people who are working on recovery.
Oh Mary - so very, very sorry for your experience. Sometimes, we just have to realize and accept that we are powerless over people, places and things. No doubt there are missing facts in this equation, and no doubt she's in 'mama mode'....Good, Bad or indifferent, it is what it is - just do your thing and work your program.
I do tend to get closer to my program friends than outsiders. That doesn't mean they haven't let me down as 'some are sicker than others'. Keep reaching out and don't limit yourself because of one person. We have so many more choices with recovery! What a gift...
I once had a mother who was extremely upset and in terrible pain pound on my front door. She proceeded to scream at me (loudly) and blame me because she believed my son had given her son his 'first joint' which caused his issues. She ranted and ranted and ranted on my porch. When finally I was able to get a word in, I told her that I was sorry she was in so much pain, and for anything that my son had done to cause her pain. I then suggested she contact Al-Anon to learn a different way to cope, and kindly shut the door. I will admit that I did watch from another room to make sure she actually left.
Her reaction towards me was clearly based on despair and pain. I could not take away her pain, nor could I defend my child as I had no facts. All that I knew to do was to acknowledge and show empathy. I did not ask my son about it as I knew he would probably be dishonest. I instead did tell him about it, and explained how destructive this disease is beyond those who are active. He rolled his eyes at me, but a seed was planted then.
I've learned that even the best children lie to parents, especially when they feel backed into a corner and don't want to disappoint. It is what it is and you own none of it. Do your thing and let go of the rest...
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This is an unfortunate experience Mary I love how you handled it and did not simply jump to conclusions.
There are many people who need alanon and the best I can do is stick wih my program, place principles above personalities, stay in my own hula hoop and when I connect with a new person, keep detached, focused on myself and learn to live and let lifve Then I am not destroyed by the insanity.
First sign of insanity I can use my tools to address it or walk away.
I'm so sorry that a potential friendship has been spoiled by nasty rumour and completely understand how that makes you want to raise your guard and even doubt your judgement. But who knows, your judgement of your neighbour maybe sound and it could be the son who is telling stories - perfectly natural for a mother to support their child but very sad.
Either way it sounds to me as if you handled it very well indeed and I hope that you will soon recognise all the fabulously right things you did like identifying isolation, doing something about it, checking the facts when rumours came up, and you stepped away from crazy making behaviour. That's a full house of good thinking IMHO!
I think you handled yourself beautifully. Time will reveal the truth to her eventually if she wants to see or believe it. Its a bitter pill to swallow when our kids lie to us but they do. Letting other people into our lives is always a risk, some disappoint and betray but from each experience I learn something.
Thanks to everyone, I was on my way home from class today and she stopped me,I just talked to her,and I listened.She was very upset and crying.She said she didn't want to lose a friend.She thinks another neighbor loosened the lug nuts on her car last night,I believe she is deeply troubled and definitely needs help,I actually felt sorry for her as I really think she believes these things.I am thinking she has some kind of personality disorder.Although I believe she needs counseling,and possibly medication, that isn't my decision.I guess I am thinking when someone realizes they need help,they will try to get it.Yes, it is a lot of change for me,as I no longer feel it is my job to fix everything.
I agree with Betty - you did fantastic. Keep working it, you wear it well!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
" I no longer feel it is my job to fix everything. " That's a great feeling M. You tried and it didn't work out best let your HP have it and she how HP does. Leave the lug nuts alone!! (((hugs)))
