The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. (Thomas Merton: No Man Is an Island)
Pure and simply, L.O.VE. means no manipulation, "live and let live", to place those we love in the hands of their HP. I would not want to push or control my loved ones or friends to change or to try and mold them into someone who would be more to my liking. The alcoholic in my life or anyone for that matter in my life, that maybe suffering, will always have my support, if they want it, but only if they want it. Keep the attention on yourself and care for your own evolution and know in your heart that those in your life are being watched out for by their own lifes destiny.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Hi Debb, Thanks for this topic I must say that I thought I knew how to LOVE "unconditionally", when I entered into my marriage and for many years after, as I attempted to cope with the insanity of alcoholism.
This unconditional love for the alcoholic nearly destroyed me because I developed negative coping tools to enable me to continue.I must add that all of this was because my partner was evolving in a down hill fashion and dragging me down with him.These tools included making myself invisible and living in pretend and denial, with tons of anger, resentment, self-pity and fear floating about inside and no self esteem.
Entering Al-Anon, I was told that I must learn to LOVE MYSELF unconditionally, before I can truly LOVE another and that I can not abandon myself, in order to take care of someone else.
The true LOVE I can offer is to I LOVE MYSELF, validating my needs and feelings, and then sharing that love, compassion, empathy, and understanding with my partner. That was a tall order, and one I did not even understand how to do.
My sponsor gave me the tools---, asset and gratitude lists daily, program-- steps, sharing,-- all helped to restore my self-esteem and self-worth and one day, I found myself, serene, and feeling confident and comfortable being myself and being an imperfect human being.
I now see because of this I can love others unconditionally.
Thank you for sharing this morning, Debb and others; this acronym holds tremendous power. I have focusing on this area lately and thinking about the difference between my intention and the results I get.
As I reflected, I saw that I often felt moved to do something to ease the pain or fear for what others were experiencing. Unfortunately, my methods typically involved jumping in to analyze the problem and then taking the lead in "solving" and monitoring progress. This had the effect of leaving me with a feeling of pride and satisfaction of "helping" someone I truly cared about. Ultimately, however, this left the helpee feeling that I did not have confidence that they could handle it, discouraged when they were not making the progress that I expected, and did not result in achieving the goal I thought they wanted.
AlAnon guided me to a new approach with those who were struggling: drop the judging, expectations, and "fixing", and show them love and that you care, but also belief that they have the strength and intelligence to work it out with their HP. Less stress on me, much less stress for them, and a better outcome in the long term.
L.O.V.E. is a great reminder of that lesson, I had not heard that before. Always something new to learn about and try incorporating in my life...thank you so much
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
I too appreciate your share this AM Debb! What a great and powerful message.
I still have a ton to learn on LOVE....I too want to jump in and fix at times and have to consciously step back, remind myself they have their own HP and allow others to evolve and follow their own path. For so many years, I truly thought I knew the best way, the fastest way, the cheapest way, etc. Only through this program have I learned that there are many paths to the same destination and even more paths to a different one.
It is still hard to detach at times, especially when I am worried. But, even my best intentions are shallow and unloving if I interrupt another's growth and journey.
Lovely acronym - thanks for your service and ESH!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I need to use this acronym especially with my AD. I have always been the type of person to jump in, fix, advise, monitor and then be frustrated when the outcome is not to my liking. I swear somedays I need to tie myself up and duct tape my mouth to control myself from jumping on the crazy train with her. It is fed by my worry, but if I focus on the slogans, live in the present moment it is manageable most days. Thank you so much for sharing that.
