The material presented
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level.
I realized today that I need to spit out the damn Kool-Aid I'm drinking. I have this idea in my head that just because our marriage didn't work out doesn't mean we won't be great "co-parents" together. My ex buys it (more like sells it) too, and hands me the sunny looking pamphlet about what a great team we'll be. I want to believe it and I want it to be true. But it's bulls***, and I need to let go of whatever ideas I have about "co-parenting" and accept the fact that my situation will be severely lacking in the teamwork and cooperation department. Because without that acceptance I'm going to keep losing my serenity and trying to control her like I did today.
I just wrote a long paragraph of details that nobody really needs to know, and deleted it. The cliff's notes: At lunch today (face to face was a mistake) she claimed entitlement to a blank check of my time and resources when her life becomes too hard to hold up her end of the custody agreement. She did this while crying and firmly in the victim role, and felt undeniable. I declined. She called me unkind things and accused me of not wanting my kids around. I asked her to pass the soy sauce.
Here's where I lost it though. She can think or say whatever she wants about me. QTIP. But she's taking the kids with her to visit sick grandma and I'm cool with re-arranging the custody schedule for now. But when I raised concerns about disrupting their routine she looked at me with big victim eyes and said "But I need them right now. They cheer me up." Cue program implosion. The great and powerful OZ hijacked my voice as I tried to be her HP, and lectured how it's the KIDS that need the PARENTS and not the other way around, and blah blah blah. And voila. There I am engaged in drama with my ex A, right where she wants me to be. It happens.
But I came away with something else. My instinct to protect my kids comes from a good place, but maybe it's not my place to protect them from every danger I perceive they're in with their mother. They'll need to learn how to cope with her crazy a** too someday, and my protection might get in the way of that. Food for thought. ESH welcome, as is sleep. Goodnight all.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 26th of August 2015 06:07:11 AM
LLM, so glad you shared your ESH with your us. It is very hard to deal with the alcoholic when it comes to protecting the children, I can totally understand how you feel. I can also understand that you are not happy with yourself because you feel that you allowed yourself to be sucked into her chaos. I would detachment from the unreasonable demands and statements my AH makes, by listening, then either making a reasonable statement back, that what was said is not possible, or discontinue the topic to a later time or date. I would avoid all confrontation and lecturing, because it only fuels the chaos/drama and it makes me feel bad about myself as well. It is a learning process ... small steps .... you are not alone!!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Hi LLM-- great Cliff notes-- I did get the picture and understand the situation. It appears that you are an excellent parent and do try to compromise and coparent in a cooperative fashion. Examining your motives,it is clear that ypu are considering the welfare of the children above all else and in this co parenting projectit is important that you each are able to talk things over and reason things out, objectively.
It appears that this is another expectation that must be let go of. It looks as if this last incident helped you to see the reality of your coparenting endeavor and although you reacted in a negative fashion for time-- the real benefit of this incident is that you can learn from what went on, change your attitude toward the situation, knowing that this is a difficult undertaking and you are only responsible for your own actions and behavior. Placing principles above personalities, I believe you will be able to come up with a alternate plan B and C that will enable you to deal effectively with future crisis.
She is responsible adult and should be able to call in babysitters at times. We are indeed powerless over others so that if we don't approve of someones attitude or plans we can express our concern and then" with tools" let it go. I do hope that some guidelines have been established so that you have a frame work to work in.
Keep taking care of yourself, examine your motives, and remember that by your staying in your own hula hoop, your children will be very fortunate to have you as a single parent and advocate..
Thanks guys, and apologies for the language hotrod. Perhaps crazy a** wasn't the most loving way to refer to my ex ;)
I'm not sure we made much progress. She spent most of the lunch trying to control my response to her requests and she felt anything less than my full cooperation with her meant I'm a bad human being. This didn't bother me. But she claimed she felt entitled to take the kids out of state if she felt justified, with or without my permission, and if I wanted to see them I could drive the 5 hours and go get them. This bothers me very much. This is NOT what our separation agreement outlines. How do you deal with someone who feels they have the right to violate a custody agreement at will? Plan B may involve a call to the police and a lawyer. It might be time to seek legal advice to see what my options are if she does decide to go this route. I'm not looking for a fight, but I'm also not going to avoid one if the situation calls for it.
The plan B I came up with was changing the custody schedule to allow her more flexibility and me a schedule I can work with. I agreed to change it for one month while she arranges for care for her mom.
Good work LLM Thinking it over is a good tool. It sounds as if your alternate solution might be workable. A lawyer could confirm this.
Positive thoughts on the way.
LLM - so very, very sorry that 'lunch' turned into a chaotic drama fest. I can so relate, which is why I am always on guard.....not the best way to live, but helps me go into each situation with all my tools + my toolbox. In my life, the only time my qualifiers ask for direct contact/time is when they want/need something. It's predictable and it's only through many, many times of being cornered have I gotten smart enough to prepare spiritually.
My best suggestion is be as prepared as possible - know that if lunch or coffee or ??? is requested, it's about getting something from you. It's taken me some time, but my boundaries are drawn, shared and outlined reasonably well. So, sticking with facts and focusing on my boundaries, it's easier to decline/not participate/not react. If the request is reasonable and I am willing to tweak a boundary, I communicate that it's a OTO - One Time Only.
I have not had to share children and can tell you that is one of many reasons I stayed put. If you have an agreement in place, and you have concerns, certainly you should speak to a lawyer. I am sure one or more would consult with you and make recommendations. I am not sure which state you are in, but in mine, there are also family resources available through the county. Lastly, I do know friends who've gone through the challenge of sharing children and custodial battles, and they always pass along - document, document, document. If you anticipate any court battles in the future, write down what is happening now so you are speaking with facts for the court.
I'll keep you all in my prayers - it's never easy to deal with one in active disease. It's even harder when children are involved. They are lucky to have you working hard to protect them...keep doing what you are - you are doing just fine!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
- I did get the picture and understand the situation. It appears that you are an excellent parent and do try to compromise and coparent in a cooperative fashion. Examining your motives,it is clear that ypu are considering the welfare of the children above all else and in this co parenting projectit is important that you each are able to talk things over and reason things out, objectively.