Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

JukuVee · Veteran Member

I think he's cheating

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome and glad you are here .. Your post says you think he's cheating sound more as if you are clear he is .. I hope you will attend some face 2 face meetings in your area so you can hind some clarity and healing. This kind of thing is very painful. There is healing here .. Just keep coming back. Hugs s ;)

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

{{JKV}}, Serenity is correct, that you would benefit greatly if you join
a local face to face Al-anon group, because you will get the support
you need to deal with the anxieties you are facing now. You will
see, as you progress through the steps, prayers, slogans and
meditations that you will develop the clarity, peace and sanity
you need to cope with the disease of alcoholism and how it is
affecting your life and what part you play in the alcoholic's chaos/
drama.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings
Please continue to come back and let us know how you are doing.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Juvee))) Alcoholism is a dreadful 3 fold disease that affects every aspect of the alcoholic's way of living . Drinking is simply the outward manifestation of the inward disease and disharmony.
I am sorry that you have encountered this difficult breach in your relationship and do urge you to search out alanon meetings and attend.

Living with the disease is too much for most of us and we need the understanding ad support of others who understand as few other can.
Alnon tools helped me to rebuild my self esteem andn self worth while feeling supported in the process.
Keep coming back. You are not alone.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

JukuVee -

So very sorry for your pain over this. As better suggests, this disease is so powerful and progressive. I too suggest that you find local Al-Anon meetings so you can find support from others who have like experiences in dealing with this disease.

Untreated alcoholism knows no boundaries. Untreated alcoholics can and will justify and defend any and all illogical actions/decisions/choices. Expecting a logical discussion during active alcoholism is a sure fire way to gain more resentments, in my experience. Working on you and your choices, actions and reactions will give you the strength and tools you need to thrive and find peace again.

Again, you are not alone and so sorry for what you're going through. I too urge you to keep coming back and if F2F meetings aren't part of your plan, perhaps attending meetings here would help in the interim. You can find the schedule and a link to the meeting room at the top left.

(((Hugs)))

JukuVee · Veteran Member

I have been attending f2f meetings and I have been just trying to work on what I need to work on. I do appreciate the support I've gotten here too. Last night he wanted to talk and told me that I was right and that he never should have brought her here and apologized but still refused to admit that anything else has been going on and though I have no actual proof, I don't have very much hope that he's been faithful to me as he claims and since I no longer feel like I can trust him I told him that there was nothing he could say to change my mind about wanting him to move out and we agreed to try and make it amicable. We also decided to still try and play music together because we do have a good act together and have gigs. I hope I can handle it because it is my livelihood and with him gone I'm going to need to figure out how to get more income. I might even have to rent out a room in my house. I am auditioning for a new band tonight too so hopefully I will have gigs coming up that DON'T include him in the near future. Thanks to everyone who responded.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Juku.
Back awhiles ago I was really worried about my A finding some girl. The thought of him hitting the bars and finding some messed up girl to take my place really hurt.
And then somewhere along the way I stopped feeling hurt by the idea and instead I felt grateful that I was no longer the messed up girl that would want to be with that messed up guy.

When you talked about bringing a girl home to his tool shed in the yard of the home he shares with his wife, that's all that I could think of. I could imagine the scenario you described in vivid detail, and all I could think was "I'm glad I'm not the girl who wants to be with the guy who lives in the toolshed anymore". There was a time when I would have fallen in love with the poor misunderstood musician who had to live in a shed. UGH!!!!

I also have noted that my A has tried on several occasions to try to imply he is cheating with someone in order to inflame my jealousy and "win me back". I did wonder if that wasn't what he might have been attempting by pretending to try not to wake you. It seems pretty nonsensical doesn't it?
Regardless of what he is doing, you are doing a great thing for yourself by coming here and going to f2f meetings. Good for you, girl.

(((Juku)))

-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 26th of August 2015 01:12:51 PM

Fairlee · Senior Member

Juku, I am sorry for what you are having to deal with right now. It doesn't matter how much we think we might be able to handle such a thing, or how angry we are, it is still heartbreaking.

Much of how you described your A's drinking sounds so familiar. It is just sheer madness. One day they realize they have a problem, the next day the problem isn't that bad, then two days later it is full-blown awful again. The denial is so very strong.

Hugs to you. I'm so glad you have a F2F group to support you :) your strength And resolve is inspiring!

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Your plan sounds lovely and I hope your 'interview' with the new band goes awesome for you!

Prayers and positive thoughts headed your way for the next few steps of your journey. Know that if you keep working this program, all will be OK. It will be painful and you will grieve but you will be OK.

(((Hugs)))

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I love your plan as well and hope that you get into a new band.
Keep coming back to let us know how you are doing!!

JukuVee · Veteran Member

Update: the band I auditioned for last night wants me and they are pretty good. I can definitely see potential there and they're playing jazz! I have missed singing jazz so much. I've sort of turned into more of a rock and roll singer because my a partner of 22 years is a rocker and we've been doing this thing for a while now. Don't get me wrong I love rock 'n' roll, but my first love has always been Jazz so it's kinda exciting. I cried all morning yesterday but I'm determined not to do that today. I just want to put all the craziness and drama behind me. These guys I played with last night seemed so normal. They were all older guys married with grown up kids. There was no pot smoking or drinking at the rehearsal. What a breath of fresh air!
I'm going to try and find a meeting tonight just so I don't have to be home with him around. I still don't really know how to actually get him to move his ass out of the house. He has once again started on a bunch of the projects that he hasn't finished. I think he's stalling. My BFF thinks that I should give him a written eviction notice but I'm afraid if I do that it will affect his mood adversely. Right now were actually getting along. It's weird. I'm afraid that he thinks that as long as he's working on shit that I want done, that I won't actually make him leave. I do however keep trying to make it clear to him that I have not changed my mind, and that I'm not going to. Not sure what else I can do to facilitate his actual departure. If anyone has any ideas please feel free

-- Edited by JukuVee on Thursday 27th of August 2015 11:30:20 AM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Aww congrats!!! Good for you!! You will know when the timing is right to talk to him I agree with both you and your bff he IS going to need an end date and he might be a jerk about it. I only encourage you to stick to your side of the street .. Mean what you say .. say what you mean and don't say it mean. Only you are going to know when the timing is right.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Good New J I am happy for you

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

So happy about the new band position, so much promise for you!

If I were you, I would get involved with a local al-anon group

and start your step work. Let time take care of the rest.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

JukuVee -

Super news - so glad that it went well for you. How cool is it that they do your preferred music too?

I look at things like this as HP driven/gifts. So happy for you - congratulations!

I agree with Debb - self-care will be a great bonus for what's going on in your life. Taking care of you, attending meetings and working the steps is a lovely tie into a new opportunity!

(((Hugs)))

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so happy for you this was a great share and missmeliss "I love that we are both not the girl in the toolshed anymore" ... I do have to say that was so uplifting

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Memories...light the corners of my mind....I read your post J and remember being there and doing that and then ran up in front of a C2C snippet that I hold dear on a daily basis whenever I am feeling fearful and vacillating on making changes. "Courage is fear that has said it's prayers". Don't you just love that truth? Now when I am feeling fearful I commit it to prayer and follow thru anyway. At last nights home group one of our more recent members was speaking about fear of accepting a Higher Power and asked me how I handle mine with my HP. I told her that I use to have the hardest time with accepting a Higher Power until my sponsor told me "Act as if" and do it anyway and today when I wake up in the morning the first thoughts and conversation is with my HP, "Place me where you want me...Tell me what to do" and then I follow thru. Be afraid and do it anyway. (((((hugs))))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene