Confused!! welcome to the drama club the crazy making work shop and listen and learn to what the fellowship tells you in their stories.   One of the things I learned about me was that when I got into those "discussions" with my alcoholic/addict wife I was setting myself up for failure.  She was the most "itchy" sick person on the planet next to me and what I told her in sincerity was not taken that way.  She was taking it as if I was blaming and in defense she had to act in kind and so she did like you mentioned it came out for you.  It is crazy making and sick and I never won or found my way out of it for good reasons.  My sponsor taught me that I was getting a "fishing lesson" only I was the fish and what she was dangling before me was the bait.  I loved the bait because I saw it as a process for us to discuss and get closer together...NOT!!   She was giving me opportunity to oppose and her the opportunity to practice her own opposing.    I found out that other then gender and age she and I were alike and so I stopped taking the bait.  I would remind myself of what I was learning about the cunning, powerful and baffling nature of "OUR" disease and learned to ask clarifying questions just so I would get my motives right and my responses not blaming and personal.   I was teaching her QTIP will practicing it myself.   We are sick people as a mind set was important for me and for us because both she and I were deeply affected by the disease none less than the other.  I learned to walk on eggshells and that kept me from reacting and thinking  before I participated while asking for direction on how I should.  The disease will set you up...it did me...because each and every time I thought I saw the picture I got it wrong because I forgot the who, what, when, where and why of Alcoholism...our disease isn't so much a disease of 'BAD', it is a disease of "SICK" and you have to admit it really feels Sick all the time.

I learned how to ask my wife questions before, during and after the discussion and to ask the questions in non-threatening ways and I practiced, practiced, practiced that procedure cause it works.  The question "what have I done" is a set up question if he is not willing to listen with humility and understanding.  It's bait for an argument one of those "what about you" arguments and no body wins those.

Keep coming back ((((hugs))))