The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I joined this group to try to get other people's perspective on my situation. I was married to an alcoholic for almost 10 years. I truly love him more than anything, and we had 3 kids together. I divorced after his drinking became progressive and he started to become verbally violent. The past 6 years, I went on to remarry someone else while my ex continued on a downward spiral. In September of last year, he did 60 days in rehab. He relapsed, then went to rehab another 30 days. He stayed sober for several months, the longest in the 15 years I've known him. We began talking, and seeing eachother occasionally. I decided to get a divorce from my current husband because it wasn't fair to either of us to stay in a relationship when I am still in love with my ex. My ex and I started talking seriously about having a future together. Two weeks before he was to turn himself into prison for a DUI, he relapsed again. He has been in prison since June 30, and therefore been sober. In total, he's been sober over 8 months out of the last 10. He is set for possible parole Sept 21, and I am strongly considering trying to start a new life with him. I've experienced him "try" to get sober before throughout the years, but this time is definitely different. He has worked hard at his steps, and has started leading a bible study in his unit. He's talked openly with me about specific things he needs to change, to make amends with, goals, and the self doubt that plagues him that he's trying to overcome. I love this man with all my heart and want a life with him. But I don't want to be naive and think he's recovered and everything will work out fine. Any thoughts, advice, etc regarding my situation would be greatly appreciated.
BBB, welcome to MIP! Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I did not hear you say that at anytime you sought help for yourself, by that I mean have you ever belonged to an Al-Anon face to face group? I think you would be benefit greatly, because sometimes we become as sick as the alcoholic and Al-anon is for those of us who have or who are living with an individual suffering from the disease. Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic and sometimes fatal disease, there is no cure for it, it can only be arrested. We who live with an alcoholic can not manipulate, control, cause or cure that person in order to make them stop drinking. I believe if you have doubts about starting a life again with your XAH, then you know that when in doubt, you should do nothing. Please continue to come back and let us know how you are doing and please do get involved with a local Al-Anon face to face group, because alot of the answer you seek you will find and discover. {{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
bebe Welcome to Miracles in Progress Thanks for you honesty and clarity I know that you are aware that alcoholism is chronic, progressive incurable disease which can be arrested and never cured. It is great that your ex is attending meetings, working the steps and using the tools.
I would like to suggest that you too search out a recovery group and attend. Alanon has face to face meeting in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. The Alanon program is for family members who live or have lived with the disease of alcoholism. It is a fantastic program that offers many powerful tools to help families of alcoholic cope with every day decisions and actions
We do not give advise here or in alanon but provide healthy tools for everyone to use so as to reach their own decision of what is right for them
As you know there are no guarantees in life - AA boasts many who achieve powerful recovery but many fail . Attending alanon will help you to reach a decision that is right for you.
Keep coming back
Glad you are here! The wonderful people on this forum and my local Al-Anon group have really helped me try to put my life back after my divorce almost 2 yrs ago. I have been dating an alcoholic for almost 1 1/2 yrs now. Although I truly love him I now realize that even though he has been sober 30 yrs that there is so much more to being recovered than just sobriety. He says he attended AA for 10yrs but I have been caught up in his own 'insane' world of depression and roller coaster moods. He could be great, wonderful and loving one weekend then low down depressed the next and sucking me into that cycle.
It's really tough when you love someone so you have to make your own decision as I did mine. It just hit me one day that the way he acted was effecting me too much and I lost control of my actions and thoughts so I knew I needed to find help somewhere. I had to focus and recover my own serenity and peace in my life. My local Al-Anon group is a great place to talk and listen to other's stories of ones that really understand how I am feeling and have dealt with this behavior a lot longer than I have.
I hope you come back here whenever you need to 'talk' and try and find a local Al-Anon meeting.
BBB - I too welcome you to MIP. The best that you can/could do for you would be to work on you so that you can make the best decision for you, your life and your future. Attending Al-Anon meetings will help you have great support as you move forward - no matter what you decide. Embracing the concepts, steps, slogans and literature will give you more information about this disease and how it affects everyone who loves or lives with one afflicted.
Life doesn't give us any guarantees or a crystal ball to know what tomorrow brings. All we can do is work to become the best version of ourselves, and then make decisions that align with what we want/need from this life.
So very glad you posted and found your courage to share! Keep coming back - we're just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome and I am glad you have found us. If you read around on this site you will find many threads and experience of recovery. Finding a meeting and beginning your own recovery (which we all need when we've been around the insanity of alcoholism) is invaluable.
For an alcoholic, recovery is challenging. It is good that your A (alcoholic) has stuck with it for the past ten months despite relapses. Of course he is not out the woods yet, and wouldn't be even if he hadn't relapsed. The first year is typically very rough, as the person has to learn how to live a balanced life without alcohol, which is something they have very little experience of in adult life. The second year can also be rough. Often they have to concentrate on their recovery so hard that their loved ones get little or no attention. And they don't have the skills yet for a good relationship anyway. So the initial period of being with someone in recovery is quite difficult. That is why AA and most recovery groups suggest that recovering alcoholics don't start (or resume from not being in them) any romantic relationship for the first year. The other person won't get much of a relationship, and in addition the tension and emotions can lead to relapse for the drinker.
Another thing you know is that when your A tries to quit drinking, he relapses. So he doesn't technically have ten months of recovery. He's only had a few months, and since June 30 he hasn't been "in recovery," he's been sober because he has not other choice. He hasn't been working his recovery hard, as I understand it, with daily meetings and with practicing the skills of recovery in the real world.
What I wish someone had told me up front, before I continued my long journey with my alcoholic, is that only 15-25% of those who enter recovery achieve longterm sobriety. Now, there are so many alcoholics that that still means thousands, maybe millions of people. But I thought that somehow he'd flip and switch and be sober and that would be it and our great life would start. I kept waiting for that switch to flip. My A went into recovery many times, even doing rehab once after a DUI. But he never stayed sober. I think the longest was around ten or eleven months. He went to AA, he got a sponsor, and all that, but every time he relapsed. It is years later and he is still drinking. When I realized how low the odds were, after years of pain and hoping, I separated.
The good news is that you have time. If he's going to achieve longterm sobriety, it will become clear. If he's not, it will become clear. You don't have to guess in advance. You can hold off and wait and protect yourself and see what happens. You already know the misery of an alcoholic relationship. So you know to steer clear if he's not going to stay sober. I wish I had waited and seen whether the recovery would stick before plunging into a life with my A. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
Take your time! Go to alanon. I strongly suggest do not move in or remarry til he has at LEAST one solid year sober in the community after release. He needs to learn to be a sober grown up on his own without sucking in an enabler intentionally or unintentionally. If you totally merge together/back together too quick, it will stunt his growth in recovery and deny him greater autonomy. If he pushes you towards that, it's likely from a needy early recovery place and not how a healthy person with good recovery would be able to commit, or in this case, recommit.
In the meanwhile, go to alanon and work on you. Alanon will help you to take care of yourself and not pin all your happiness and serenity on another person who clearly has plenty of issues of their own still. Also, I'm curious if you've ever been single long? You described going from this guy, straight to another, then back to this guy. Do you feel complete on your own? What's the rush here? I don't know that much about you from the limited info in your post, but I suggest learning about codependency. Codependent no more by Melody Beattie is a good book that helped me.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 24th of August 2015 08:59:06 PM
Thank you for all the feedback. To address some things mentioned, yes I have been single before - I was for 3 years between my first and second husband. Also, yes I have attended Al Anon before, but only a few times several years ago. More recently, I've done Celebrate Recovery as well as reading a good bit of Al Anon material and listening to speaker videos. I am quite aware of the traps of loving an alcoholic, therefore my hesitation and uncertainty in pursuing remarriage. My children are 15, 12, and 10. And they very much want a life with their dad again. So I have alot to think about.
Hi bebe and welcome to MIP! You're telling part of my story as well. I cannot stress enough being active in your own Alanon program. When hubby and I are both working our own programs it makes our relationship so much better. We can talk 'program' to each other and it helps a lot in our communication and understanding. The spiritual aspect is a very good thing. It's all about learning unconditional love and treating others in that way. And treating ourselves that way! There's nothing wrong with loving an alcoholic. Even non-A's have issues. It's how we each deal with those issues and behaviors. Learning to do so in a healthy manner. Keep coming back! It's a great life with Al-Anon!
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Aloha Beth it seems to me that your mind is made up and you have moved toward your decision. Understand that consciously or unconsciously the consequences are ours, yours and his. My story is similar to yours and my decisions also. When I found out that I was addicted to the alcoholic/addict as she was to her chemicals and then came to believe it life for me became the daily effort of saying no to the addiction (mine) and moving on with help to a sounder way of life. Before I came home to Hawaii I had an unplanned accidential meeting with my exwife alcoholic addict and I realized that I did love her what was different was that I had no reason to be married to her. I had learned a lot and applied it to my live outside of the disease and the relationship. Alcoholism is a four fold disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. If any one of those four levels is being affected the outcomes can be tragic. How did I learn? In the face to face rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups is how I learned and literally got taken apart and reput back together by the fellowship. I am still a steady member of the family groups since 1979 and have much confidence in my life. Stick around and read and listen and practice, practice, practice. The life you have is a gift from God...what you do with it is your gift in return. ((((hugs))))
None of what has happened to you has been by accident. You played a part in it and you get to own the outcomes.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 28th of August 2015 10:33:23 PM
Hi and welcome .. If I read your post correctly your XRH has 6 months and nothing consistently. I'm on my phone app if I have missed something I apologize now. My kids are 11 and 16 both would string me up by my toes if I started talking to their dad again. There is to much water under the bridge. That's my experience with my X at this point. What I love about alanon I don't have to make any life changing decisions today. My XAH would have to (not be married to someone else lol) have at least 2 years of sobriety and literally follow through on every single thing he said. I need actions not words. A very good book is Getting Them Sober vol 4 it's about reconciling or not. Don't let the title fool you it's alanon talk through and through. I agree doesn't matter what the kids want out boils down to what you want and nothing says you have to decide today. Let time take time if the relationship is meant to be it will be .. I went to recovery center to speak about alanon with my home group and something that was said once by the monitor was can you love and respect your addict enough to let them be in their disease? If your X is struggling then can you be ok knowing in 1, 2, 3, 5, 10 years of nothing has changed sobriety is never guaranteed .. That's a cold hard fact. It's day by day. Hugs keep coming back. S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
