Al-Anon Family Group

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Post Info TOPIC: New to board- for my kids


Newbie

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New to board- for my kids


I am new to this board and going to my first meeting on Tuesday. I have been married to an alcoholic for 7 years. He has been sober for most of our marriage with two short relapses. This one was the worst and he left the house Sunday. We have 3 kids under the age of 6. If it wasn't for them I would never have him back.  His first relapse the kids were very young and only lasted a few weeks. He can stay sober 2-3 years. My kids are getting older and "hiding" him will get harder. He has only been drinking once if front of them and they had no clue (this was after I asked him to leave). To be honest the drinking doesn't bother me as much as the depression. He's not an angry drunk he just gets sad. He rarely drinks at home it's when he is traveling for work (which isn't good either). He's not fun to be around and I enjoy life. I feel like he is bringing me down- is that selfish? He's a great hands on dad and I know would never leave the kids. He even came over tonight to put the kids to bed.  He comes from an alcoholic family and I don't want my kids being raised the same.  I am just struggling with breaking up the family. Do I stay and risk this will happen again (its emotionally and physically draining) or do I leave and raise my kids in a stable environment. I will be fine either way....I just want to do what's best for them.

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1661
Date:

Luna, welcome to MIP and happy that you found us and shared with us

your concerns.  I can understand the anxiety you are experiencing, 

while you struggle with making decisions about whether to stay or

leave your marriage to AH.  You know best what your boundaries are

for yourself and your children.  I am very happy to hear you joined a

local Al-Anon face to face group!!  You will get the support you need

for yourself and children and if I were you I would go to at least 6 

meetings before I start to think about making a permanent decision.

Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic and fatal disease and can only be

arrested and never cured.  Al-Anon helps the families of those who

are affected by the disease.  You are very brave to have come forward.

this board has many members who can help with experience and 

wisdom.  You are not alone.



-- Edited by Debb on Monday 24th of August 2015 06:34:11 AM

__________________

 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
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Welcome Luna, thanks for having the courage and honesty to share your concerns. I can readily identify with your experience and feelings.

Alcoholism truly is a disease which presents with  many faces. Some drink every day, some binge drink, and others start out only drinking on the weekend. It is a progressive disease that we are powerless over.

Living with the insanity of the disease we develop many negative coping tools and need a program of recovery of our own. AA is a recovery program for the person who drinks and I'm glad to hear that you found an Al-Anon meeting because that is a gold mine of recovery for family members.

In Al-Anon I learned how to keep the focus on myself, stop reacting but to respond to situations in a healthy fashion, with restored, self-esteem and self-worth.

Breaking the isolation caused by living with the disease is extremely important. Meetings help to do that. It is here that I felt at home and supported like no place else. After attending meetings for a while, developing new constructive tools to live by, I was able to make healthy choices for my family and myself.  You will too.

Please keep coming back you're not alone



__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 963
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Welcome Luna, so sorry to hear you are struggling with such a difficult situation, especially since it involves your children. It takes courage to reach out for help, and I believe checking out AlAnon is the best resource for that.

When I reached out to AlAnon I had so many questions about what I should do, yet felt the desperation of having tried everything possible and yet things were not improving. I felt sad, lonely, resentful, and very afraid.

I started attending face to face (F2F) meetings and reading some of the daily readers that gave me a new perspective on my own actions and the situation overall. I was introduced to tools that helped me deal with my own feelings and behaviors in a way that reduced my stress dramatically in a short time. This helped me make better decisions when it was time for them to be made.

I am so glad you are reaching out, and hope you give a few meetings a try and keep stopping in here to the board. Hang in there, hearts and thoughts to you

__________________

Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 11569
Date:

Welcome to MIP Luna22. So glad you found us and the courage to share! So glad you have found a local F2F (face to face) meeting and have a plan to go.

This disease is powerful, cunning, baffling and progressive. It affects those who are alcoholics as well as those who love and/or live with them. It reaches well beyond the drinker, and affects so many aspects of living. The good news about decisions - you don't have to decide anything right now.

Getting local support and support here can help with that and all aspects of living. Al-Anon provides us with tools that help us set boundaries, detach with love and better understand how to move forward in spite of what the alcoholic(s) is doing or is not doing.

One of the first things I heard that stuck was the 3 Cs - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. These three concepts helped me to get enough courage to just live in the moment and be willing to learn and grow in this program.

So sorry that you find yourself where you are - know you are not alone. We're just a post away. Keep coming back and (((hugs))) to you and yours.

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

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Posts: 339
Date:

Luna,

Welcome and going to face to face meetings will really help. I can relate to what you are going through as I have two little boys under 6 and know all too well the struggle that you are going through right now. I did learn from Al Anon that they suggest that you take some time to think out your options and not make a decision too fast. Things could greatly improve with your husband and by the sounds of it he will not want to lose you or his kids. My AH also came from an alcoholic family as well as my father is also in recovery. Both of us did not want our kids growing up in this environment. I didn't make a decision right away and my AH thankfully got into a program, detoxed and has been sober for three months. I am just trying to live one day at a time which at times can be very hard but I realized just how sick I also was with living with this disease for so long. I hope your husband gets back into recovery. Don't forget to be good to yourself (I know easier said than done with little kids), take some time for yourself and try to make it to face to face meetings. Those meetings and this message board saved my sanity.

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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 242
Date:

Luna, whatever you do, al anon will give you the support you need. Just talking to others that understand really helps you to make a decision.

I guess, were it me in your position, I would weigh the benefits of a stable, loving, calm environment for your children verses the drama of living with an alcoholic. It is a progressive disease so, unless he is willing and ready to get help, he will only get worse. And if you read much on this site, you will find that children are very affected by living with an alcoholic parent.

Please continue to come to this site and muster the courage to go to face to face meetings. There are just so many wise and wonderful people who have walked your walk in their own lives.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1896
Date:

Hi Luna,

Welcome to MIP. Going to Al Anon meetings is one of the best things you can do. Your final statement was "do I leave and raise my kids in a stable environment?" Many of us have found that we are somehow attracted to alcoholics, and when we leave to find "something better" we find we are back in the same situation that we thought we were leaving. This is just one of the many reasons so many of us say that alcoholism is a crazy-making disease!

Going to Al Anon will help you get a better handle on yourself, and understand if this could happen to you, and have lots of other like-minded people as sounding boards for our thoughts, feelings, and decisions.

And keep coming back here, you will get the same kind of support!

Kenny

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Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 2
Date:

Thank you everyone for your replies and support. This time was bad and I can't imagine going through it again and especially when kids are older. I have been reading lots of posts and it breaks my heart that families can spend years in this cycle. I am looking forward to going to a meeting. I just started to tell family and friends and even talking out loud has helped. I just wish (as we all do) that I had a crystal ball.

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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 339
Date:

Yep I think most of us wish we had a crystal ball. I hope you find a meeting that you like. I found that telling people was a big load off of my back. This disease can be so isolating and once I started telling people what was going on I found so much love and support from friends and family. Hang in there and keep coming back to these boards. You will find many similar stories to yours.

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