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My A just tried touching my arm today and I cringe. My romantic feelings stopped 5-10 years ago, and I'm not sure they can come back. My A is still active and self-destructive so I am not even trying to feel romantic. I did make amends because I know this hurts my A, but it was years of drinking, lying, sneaking around, etc., that changed our marriage. I've made progress-I have forgiven the hurtful behavior. But beyond that, I have no idea what's to come. ODAT right? Don't want to feel guilty either. Thanks for listening, Lyne
Dear Lyne, I do so understand about the romantic feelings being lost as a result of living in the insanity of the disease. Rebuilding trust , developing a close connection , the warm feeling from that closeness , takes a great deal of time and is not easy journey.
Keeping an open mind on the subject , letting go and letting God allowed me to continue in my marriage with a limited romantic connection.
One day at a time of recovery for both of us, the walls started to come down and I could feel the warmth, and connection once again.
I would examine my motives as to what I wanted / expected from the relationship going forward,talk with your partner and be honest about your needs and wants and trust the process.
Continue to be very gentle with yourself as you are doing fine.
That's not so weird Lynn remembering my relationship with my alcoholic/addict wife. It ran the course from compassionate detachment to divorce a 3 year process with Al-Anon applied through out and when I was leaving to come back home I had a chance meeting with her and we were both surprised and embraced and kissed for the final time and I could tell that the love was there and it was mutual however we didn't have a reason to be married. It was a long mistake that we both corrected and then went on with our lives. Romance? I use to feel romance when I was hunting them and that ended when I got recovery. ((((hugs))))
My process was a 3 year thing, too, just like Jerry's. I am not much of a romantic but I understand the idea that someone turns you off and you just aren't interested in physical intimacy (for various reasons). Trust and connection and mutual respect are so important to all of us and if that is gone from the foundation of a marriage, it's really hard to get it back. I don't have the answers for you as we are all on our own path, but it's important to define what you want, what you need, what your boundaries are, and what you really want vs what you are actually getting in a relationship. Turn it and turn THEM over to HP and then do your best to let it go. Sending you lots of support. I can totally relate to where you are and I sympathize. It's not a pleasant place to be.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I guess one question is what keeps you in the relationship. Your A is still an active drinker and there's not much there for you, as I understand it. You're not getting the things a relationship should bring: reliability, trust, intimacy. A's are really having their primary relationship with alcohol; in my experience, we always come second, or third or fourth. I tried to live on crumbs for a long time. It was a horrible feeling. I mainly stayed out of fear, both fear of making a mistake by leaving (what if I regretted it?) and fear of being on my own. I found both were much less scary than the idea of them. Anyway, maybe the next challenge is to figure out what's keeping you in the relationship - ?
This is such a personal journey that there is no right answer. I knew my AH as a friend before we became more than that, and I still love him in many ways. We haven't slept in the same room for years, mostly because of snoring (him) and restless leg syndrome (me). He's been a good provider and I know he's a good person - he's just a sick person.
Should we still be married? Should we not be married? Who knows. We are though and we've been through a lot - good and bad. I take my vows very seriously, and trust my HP. I've never been faced with the strong 'push' that leaving is the answer, so I stay.
Our relationship is about much more than romance and intimacy. We are still friends, we have many assets together as well as 2 children + grand-children. I've been able to find my peace, serenity and grace in spite of this disease and have learned in my life that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.
So, for me, a relationship is about a ton more than just 'this' aspect. He is paying a hefty price for his disease in the form of heart disease, diabetes, and a few other medical concerns. I do believe and accept this as a disease and would not leave if intimacy 'left' with cancer or another so don't see that as the only reason for splitting now.
Again, each person has their own journey. My stage in life matters too - had I found this program when I was younger, I might have had a different path. As I've aged, what was important to me 'then' is a bit different than 'now'. I have aging parents, and my marriage/relationship allows me the ability to tend to their needs, travel as wanted/needed. I also have one grandchild and another on the way. So, I have the same flexibility for that limb of my family. I have skills and am employable, however, starting over doesn't appeal to me at all. I'm not fearful of it, I'm just too entrenched in other things to 'want' that now.
I live one day at a time, and face each day with the help of my HP. If my day includes an enjoyable meal or exchange with my spouse, that's a bonus. If it doesn't, that's OK too as I have a ton of program friends, and activities and hobbies. I would not trade where I am for anything, including the 'best man in the world' as I truly do not need that for my happiness and peace.
Great thread, made me think......a while ago, a program friend (who is male) asked me why I stay....my immediate answer without inhaling to think was - the money. That's no longer completely true as I know I can make it and do well on my own. Now, it is so I can be of service too. Service to him, to my marriage, to my parents, to my grandchildren and lastly to myself, as I committed myself to this man and this marriage and am not a quitter.
In 25+ years of marriage, intimacy has come and gone. I have watched my parents who are at 59+ years of marriage, and realize this. It's all about the commitment and not about what we get. I have to examine my motives often and always and applying that to my marriage is no different. Perhaps I've just grown lazy in my serenity and contentment with the program. Perhaps I too have 'lost that loving feeling'....I don't know but it's working for me, just for today, so no need to do anything different.
But - the money does matter. If we remain married until he passes (he's older than I), my retirement pension will be double what I will receive on my own. His retirement is privately funded and well above anything I could get with standard SS... I have friends who say I should go and a sponsor who respects and understands why I stay. My point - there is no right answer and there is nothing that says a misplaced 'loving feeling' won't return. The only one who know that is my HP, and he's not sharing the future with me - not yet....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
There are so many expectations in society about sex in relationships. Each their own story. I lost romantic feelings for my husband a few years ago and cringe at the thought of being with him, or indeed anyone at this time. He had no qualms about going elsewhere for his loving! I feel sad about the loss of feeling as I had a healthy sexuality when I met him, but over the years it has diminished - drinking, Internet porn, etc, etc. I feel for me that is something to reclaim through this process of recovery and healing for myself.
Have the same problem the last 2 yrs of ah's heavy drinking. Actually havnt been interested in sex since my hysterectomy 11 yrs ago. couldnt take hormone treatments etc because of my BARCA cancer genes and family history. I really feel very neutual toward ah. dont want to even kiss him etc Especially when he stinks of drink and body odor cause when he is binging,everthing else goes out the window. I dont know if id miss him except that after 25 yrs, he knows all about me..etc
